Steps that really work to win back their heart!

[bumshkin]

Perhaps some of you have read my previous post (Can someone tell me where my ex is?) as it was only a few days ago but since then I have done some serious research on behaviour and winning the heart of someone you love.

 

Firstly, the no contact rule does work because I have tried it in the past and was successful, however, it is not forever. If you do decide to break the no contact rule, you must make sure that it is after a sufficient amount of time (I recommend 1-2 months).

 

Secondly, when you do break contact DO NOT BRING UP THE PAST!!! If you are going to talk to them, DONT talk about your feelings or the failed relationship because it will seem threatening to them and you will scare them away. I know people are always saying you should be honest about how you feel but at this crucial time when you first break the no contact rule you can't let them know what you are feeling. Instead you must be confident about yourself and where things are in your life and make sure you sound calm and happy.

 

Most importantly, if you want to break the no contact rule and decide to call your ex, when you call first ask them how things are and ask them if they would like to meet for coffee in the next week. DONT hesitate to ask them to meet with you. You must be confident and you MUST ask. If they seem hesitant, assure them that it's not a threat, you just want to go for coffee and see how they are. For example you call:

You: Hey how's it going?

Ex: HI! Im good how are you? who is this?

You: It's . I haven't heard from you in a while.

Ex: Yeah, I been really busy.

You: So how are you anyways?

Ex: Im pretty good, can't complain.

You: That's awesome! What have you been up to lately?

Ex : starts taking about things they've done.

You: Wow, sounds like you are really busy. Hey I was wondering if you would like to meet up for coffee sometime next week?

 

(It's important that you ask with lots of CONFIDENCE)

 

At this point they will either say "yes" or "no" depending on how they are feeling at them time. If they say yes set up the time and place (that you have already planned).

 

 

EX: No, I don't think it's good idea right now.

 

if they say no: say something like this very calmly and jokingly and be encouraging.

 

You: Don't be silly. It's just coffee, and I wont bite you, I promise! (Laugh a little)

 

If they still have feelings for you, they will agree.

 

The big date is approaching and your feeling a bit nervous but just relax! You are going to impress your ex with the happier, confident you that you were when they first met you.

 

So when you meet up for coffee, go looking your best, as if you are going to impress them for the first time. Put on your most genuine smile, a nice outfit and be confident about yourself. And DONT bring up the past or talk about the failed realtionship no matter what. ** IMPORTANT**If they bring it up, just let them know that you understand their reason for leaving you and you have moved on and it has given you the chance to be happier. Whatever you do, DONT tell them how sad you were and dont tell them that you miss them or that you love them or anything like that because it will seem threatening to them. Instead, ask neutral questions, like how their life is and things they have been doing to keep busy, etc. Encourage your ex to do all the talking, it will make them feel good around you!

 

Also, if they ask you questions about how you felt when they left, let them know you were upset for a little while but you realised that you could be happy no matter what and moved on. Emphasize the fact that you are happy with the break-up and that your life is great!!! (YOU MUST DO THIS EVEN IF IT GOES AGAINST WHAT YOU BELIEVE - you will understand why this is so important later on). If they ask about your dating life be honest. If you have dated, smile about it and say that you have met some nice people that you can see yourself having a relationship with. When your ex here's this automatically they will remember all the great things about you that made them want you in the first place (and now that they are seeing you face to face after a long time they may feel slightly jealous - which is healthy if they still have feelings for you).

 

If you haven't dated don't say it was because you were waiting for them to come back. Very confidently, tell them you've just been so busy in your own life to have a relationship and in fact, the break-up helped you improve your life and you are glad that it happened. Again, they will feel good because they will see that you respected their decision to leave you and they will also see that you are happy, and it will make them want you that much more. Most importantly, you MUST remain happy and confident at all times, even if your ex does bring up the past. Once they see that you are indifferent to what happened they will see that you aren't a threat to them anymore. (BONUS POINTS FOR YOU!!)

 

Make this first "date" with your ex short and sweet. This way once they begin to feel comfortable around you again all of a sudden it will be time to say goodbye. It might be tempting to stay longer, but the longer you stay, the less they will anticipate seeing you again, which is what you are working towards. Whatever you do when you are saying good-bye DO NOT ask for another date. This will come later.

 

Ok, now you are feeling good, and you are thinking about your ex alot and you want to call them, but you must apply the no contact rule again. No matter how tempting it is to call them right away you must remain distant. If you dont, then everything you have been working towards this far will be lost.

 

Wait at least a week before you call them again to set up another date. If they call you first, it's a good sign, but keep the conversation short. Let them talk for a bit, but YOU have to be the one to end the phone call. Tell them that you are getting ready to go out with some friends or that you are going on a date and you will call them later, but don't set a time! Just say you will call later.

 

Because you are the one ending the conversation, you will be in control of what happens next, and that will be when you call them for the second date. If they have called you, wait a few days before you call them back. Have a plan in mind of what you would like to do on your second date that you think you and your ex would enjoy doing (nothing too romantic, or fancy, maybe go rollerblading or go check out an event in the city or something) Somewhere, where it is a neutral setting, where you wont be alone together. When you call, set the date up for a week in advance, that way it will give both of you time to anticipate seeing each other again and when you do get together it will be that much more special.

 

When you go out together the second time, keep it simple like the first date. Dont bring up the past or even hint that you want to get back together, unless they bring it up. And if they do bring it up, tell them you have thought about the possibility of having a relationship but you don't want to jump into things to quickly. Keep this mindset until you really feel comfortable asking them if they have thought about it too.

Again, keep this date short and sweet as well, even if you are having lots of fun together. The same anticipation principle applies as above.

 

Lastly, once you feel that you have gone on enough dates together to bring up the possibility of getting back together, don't be shy. Say that things have been going really good, and you have enjoyed the time you have spent together and ask them if they have also. If they say yes they have been having fun, then take it as your opportunity to ask for a new relationship. But make it clear that you want to take things slow, like you have been so far and you would like to see where things could go. Most likely, because you have been so confident and because you have been having fun together on your past few dates, your ex is unlikely to say no. And if they do say that they would rather not, tell them that you are glad that you spent time together and you had alot of fun and you understand if they dont want to be involved again. And let things be. Apply the no contact rule again, it will give them a chance to think about it and sooner or later, because you left things on such good terms, they will call you and they will in most cases have changed their mind. For one thing, because when you tell them that you understand they will see that you respect their decision, and in turn they will respect you.

 

I have a whole lot more advice to give, but let me know how this strategy works for some of you. Good Luck!

[Satch]

I get a bit stuck on the bit where you say to tell your ex that "the break up helped you to improve your life and you are glad that it happened".

 

Isn't this akin to shooting yourself in the foot. Wouldn't it be better to say that you understand their reasons for the break up and leave it at that. By saying that you are glad that it happened, aren't you pouring cold water over any flame that they might still have for you?

 

Comments?

[kate111]

you don't say you were gad but you apply an optimistic attitude that shows you can make the best of any situation.

 

you say that it was good in a way because it made you realise that you can be happy no matter what.

[fantasia2004]

I get a bit stuck on the bit where you say to tell your ex that "the break up helped you to improve your life and you are glad that it happened".

 

Isn't this akin to shooting yourself in the foot. Wouldn't it be better to say that you understand their reasons for the break up and leave it at that. By saying that you are glad that it happened, aren't you pouring cold water over any flame that they might still have for you?

 

Comments?

 

 

I don't thtink so I think it makes them thinktwice about their decision.

 

It is like you are trying to psyche them out withourt really trying. Make them feel important but also give them a chance to question the decision.

[kate111]

Bumshkin,

 

Just curious, is this your own self made strategy for luring the ex back or was this course of action influenced by certain commercial sites that we are not allowed to talk about on this forum (according to the forum rules)?

 

I've always been curious about what those sites say but have never had enough cashola to find out.

[MrMikeWikowski]

Wow, If those are the rules, then I completely blew my chance out of the water.

 

At the same time, if you are broken hearted or hurt, and your confidence is hurting, then it is not really goning to work to fake it - eventurally you have to heal. So, eventually I imagine your ex will see through you. just my two cents.

 

Mike

[ggm]

This is encouraging. After 2 yrs b.f. very quickly broke it off, I was crushed. I did not see this coming. The past 3 weeks I have spent "should I call, should I not call". I have called 3 times, he has called twice. This past weekend we meet to deal with a couple of business situations we needed to finalize. That is all that was keeping us in contact. I will now go NC. Due to his work schedule, I will not be able to contact him until end of October or early November. That will give 3-4 months NC. I will then follow your advice to the letter. Wish me luck!!

[dikaia880]

Thats great advice, but everyone should remember every relationship is so dynamic, with some many different things going on that the advice, should be taken as more of an outline...

 

Good luck to everyone!

[tere]

as the information seems similar to a book I bought, I will add to complement

 

>Most importantly, if you want to break the no contact rule and decide to >call your ex, when you call first ask them how things are and ask them if >they would like to meet for coffee in the next week.

 

If you call them and they are not there, do not call more than twice per day... cause it may seem as desperate attempt from your part.

If your objective is to set a meeting, start with fun conversation to make them feel you're non threatening, but wait until a peak moment where you are most confortable... then don't hesitate.

 

>The big date is approaching and your feeling a bit nervous but just

>relax! You are going to impress your ex with the happier, confident you

>that you were when they first met you.

 

It is important that outside thinking about them do things to improve yourself, go out have fun with friends because that will give you a different outlook of being relaxed and independent.

 

**

 

Now a question...

 

>Wait at least a week before you call them again to set up another date.

 

how can we keep dating being fun?

[kate111]

I imagine that this method would probably work on me if I dumped someone!

 

Anyone had any luck with them yet?

[rich46]

I just wanted to bump this one back up to the top!

[oldman]