27, never had a girlfriend, now can't even go out...

[sandbox]

Hi! This is my first post so you'll have to bear with me I 'm afraid…

 

From reading a lot of posts my situation is very similar to others' but maybe slightly different.

 

I'm 27 and have never had a girlfriend or any kind of relationship with a girl at all. I'm not bad looking but I've always been shy; I don't really have that many male friends either.

 

I can talk to girls though. In my job there are maybe half a dozen girls, all of whom I find attractive and I can chat with all of them. I got on really well with one girl a few years younger than me. I helped her out with some computer stuff; we talked a lot via SMS; I even went out with her once but it turns out she didn't like me that much and just didn't know how to turn me down. Things got so bad that she ended up leaving her job. I was in love with her (I think); it hurt like hell and still does.

 

The girls at work all think I'm a 'nice guy' but that just seems kind of lame to me. I try and be nice to everyone but I think a good relationship would be based on more than me being 'nice'.

 

Outside of work though I just cannot talk to girls. If I met someone new I wouldn't ever dream of just walking up to her and introducing myself or making a complement. Why would she want to talk to me? Sure, the girls I know all think I'm 'nice' but a stranger doesn't know me.

 

So, like a lot of men it seems, I just do not know where to start in finding a girlfriend. And it really, really sucks. Sometimes it seems like everyone on the planet has someone and I'm the only single person out there. I get very depressed and I know I'm not alone in thinking that a life lived alone has little meaning.

 

But here's the twist. I'm now recovering from knee surgery that is keeping me more or less housebound. I haven't been able to work or go out much in two months. Only one of my friends has come round to see me and only a couple more have even phoned. So right now I'm just sitting at home all day alone with my thoughts. As a Christian I couldn't kill myself but that doesn't mean I don't want to and it doesn't mean that I don't hate my life.

 

I know it's a confidence thing but it seems that there's a manual called 'Relationships' and that I'm missing a page or two.

 

Well, I've rambled on a bit so thanks if you've read this far.

[butterflykiss04]

You sound like you are going through alot in your life that has affected your confidence and self-esteem you need to find your worth before you start dating because if you view yourself the way you do right now people are gonna step all over know that you are a great man and if your beautifull on the inside it will show on the outside and god makes no mistakes you will find in time someone who will love you and wont see your disabilities but your great abilities love and care! God bless take care and dont loose faith!

 

[Tinkerbell]

Hey there, and welcome to eNotalone!

You're certainly right about one thing: There are quite a few people out there with, more or less, the same problem as you. Mind you, it's not something that cannot be solved, so don't lose hope just yet!

Lets start off with the approaching process...It's really all in the attitude, a woman is less likely to chat it up with a stranger who's giving her the creeps as he's drooling over every female in the room, she wants to feel as if she was the one you wanted to talk to, and not just to get into her pants, either.

Why would she want to talk to me? Sure, the girls I know all think I'm 'nice' but a stranger doesn't know me.

If her first impression of you is a generally kind human being, why wouldn't she want to talk to you? The least she could do is give you a few minutes of her time to see if there's any immediate chemistry, and if a woman isn't willing to give you this than she's obviously not worth your time. You're right about another thing, confidence does have a lot to do with it. If you go into a bar expecting to be rejected, chances are that's exactly what will happen.

As for being confined to your home, have you tried an online dating site? Perhaps you're rather skeptical about the idea, but a great deal of people are meeting one another online, and I have heard of great relationships that have started off this way. You may as well give it a try, afterall, you have nothing to lose!

I hope I've helped,

~Tink

[CarterJonas]

don't be so hard on yourself.

 

There are a lot of single guys your age (me included) and females out there.

 

It is just a matter of getting out and meeting them. Remember that you can meet people at places away from the pub/club scene. For example at the gym, at a night class...online dating even. Meeting people through friends/family is another good way.

 

Remember that not everybody will fancy you, as you will not fancy every girl. This is part and parcel of the dating game.

 

Whatever you do though don't give up, your special one could just be around the corner!

[Beec]

Dating relies on a set of skills. If you are missing one of thsoe skills, then you are going to have problems dating. But it also requires certain attitudes. I think you should probably work on the skills first then learn about the attitudes.

 

First skill to work on: conversation, just plain old conversation. There are lots of books out there on how to be a better conversationalist, but it's tough to beat Dale Carnegie's classic: How to Win Friends and Influence People. Try it or try some others.

 

Second thing is how to communicate, both saying things and understanding what others are saying without talking. Body language. I watched fireworks on July 4th with some friends including a woman I'd met once before. Shortly after we arrived, our sholders bumped and she did not move. Big signal, but one I might have not understood as fully some years ago. While I did not make a real move, I knew I could have. This Friday, I went out with another woman and walked with her to her home. While walking our hands kept touching and touching, and our shoulders bumped occasionally. We both were trying to make it happen, but she also kept holding her purse in the hand nearest me. Multiple signals, good signalls with our contact, a keep it slow signal with her purse acting as a shield. Knowing how to interpret body language is key. Read up on it.

 

There are a bunch more skills one should know. Knowing how to meet and mingle, how to flirt, how to plan and manage a date (where do you go on a first date, why, when, a second date), knowing how much and when to have contact between dates, and a number of others.

 

Work on the first two adn then ask if you have any questions. Send me a pm if you'd like and I'll try to advise you on the others.

[sandbox]

Thank you for your replies, there's certainly a lot of advice there for me to think about!

 

I'm sure God does not make mistakes. What's hard to believe is that if God didn't make a mistake with me then maybe I am meant to be alone? I just don't know…

 

It does seem to be a confidence thing. The problem is un-learning the negative habits of 27 (more or less) years. As I look around I realise that I don't fancy everyone and that not everyone will fancy me but I can't ever remember meeting anyone and thinking they might fancy me. Perhaps that's a skill that needs to be learnt? Again, I just don't know…

 

'How to Win Friends and Influence People', reminds me of a Jerry Lewis film! But while I'm stuck inside I guess it's definitely worth a try.

 

To be honest the idea of online dating scares the crap out of me. I wouldn't know where to start! However, I do know a few people who met online, so something else worth a try maybe?

 

I know we must get lots of people on these forums who have negative attitudes that must seem unintelligible. It's just that I've had these feelings for so long now that it feels normal for me to be alone and unhappy at being alone. I'm sorry to say that I honestly do not believe that there is someone special out there for me.

 

Irrational maybe but until I can start to feel some hope then nothing else will fall in to place.

 

Again, thank you for taking to time to read and think about my problems. Your thoughts are all much appreciated.

[jakebarnes]

Hey Sandbox,

I was about to submit what I have written to you,

but it somehow disappeared...

I will put it into few words for the moment.

I am in quite a similar situation. It is really tough.

On this site, there are many guys around 20 who

are also in this wicked game. But they are are still

twenty. I am far from disregarding their problems,

these were our problems 7 years ago, so we know them

quite well- but we are seven years older and still

punished with it, so it s even harder. And I hesitate

to post at their topics, what should I tell them? That

I can offer nothing but blood, sweat and tears?

That they might face seven more lean years?

What would I have given for knowing a site like this when I

was 20!

Back to you, sandbox.

I think you have still good reasons to be

optimistic. It s not too late at all.

Let's talk about all this, if you 'd like to.

(Must quit now just for a moment )

[Beec]

"How to Win Friends and Influence People" is where I would start, but by no means is that where I would stop. That would be like playing baseball and only learning to catch. You need to learn the whole game. Work on each skill, then when you get your game to a certain level, go back and work on the same skills again and again.

 

Don't be scared of the on-line stuff, but work on your game first.

 

After reading the first book, I would read one or two on body language. Then I'd read one of two on mingling and flirting. Flirting books are tough, because the reiterate all the same stuff that the body language books and conversational books do, but repetition is the key to education.

 

I'd also think about reassessing every part of your game, and maybe a woman at work would help you, like the one who turned you down after the first date.

 

Finally, I'd also think about just how interesting a person you are? The biggest skill in conversation is listening, but sooner or later you need to pick up the ball and run with it. The more interests you have, the more things you know about, the more things you can talk about. And you can also be evaluating the person you are listening to to know which part of your knowledge bank to tap into when you need to grab the ball and run with it. The woman I went out with Friday knows nothing about golf, so why would I bring it up to bore her. She knows and likes music and cooking, so we can talk about them, since I know about both too. She knows gardening, but I have a brown thumb, so I should not talk to much about that except to ask her questions, and I need to get off the topic fast. Your interests will help you at first, then you shoudl learn about hers.

[Francis]

Hey, if you can actually talk to girls, you've solved already 50% of the problem! Just invite them to the movies or else. Go out for lunch with other guys and the girls and try to find out whether one of them likes you the right way (eye contact, more communication with you, laughs at your jokes). It is good to establish a friendship with many girls first and then make a good choice. It is not enough that A girl likes you, you must like her too, her values and personality.

 

When you choose one of them, just invite her to the movies or arrange to have lunch with her often...

 

Good luck!

[Lily04]

Hey,

 

Please don't view the last 27 years as being 'negative' because you've never had a girlfriend. So many people seem to place relationships as the #1 thing in life, but it's not. There's a lot of other things in life to enjoy, as well. And you're still so young..please don't even consider suicide because of this..there's always the potential for change, and if you work hard enough, you'll see it.

 

My advice would be: First, work on yourself & your interests and at the same time, learn to become a better conversationalist. The last point was a goal for me as well..Personally, I love challenges & learning to be more open with people I viewed as a game rather than some nerve-wrecking obstacle. And to be honest, I'm not perfect, but I'm not shy anymore (still quiet sometimes, yes..but not shy.)

 

I think it's also a great deal about meeting people you are compatible with. I find when I 'click' with someone it's very easy to talk about things; however, when there's chemistry missing, it's just a strain and then I become quiet & it's hard for me to keep up a conversation. That's why, for me in any case, it's important to become friends first & have common interests, personalities, etc. If you think about it, it makes sense - aren't you more open & talkative around your friends than strangers? Just view meeting girls with the intention of being friends first..I find that a lot easier.

 

Also, learning to read body signals is a great suggestion. I used to be *horrible* but after reading a few helpful websites, and just being more observant myself, I feel less confused about things..and how to approach people. Type in something like 'reading body language' on link removed & that may help as well..or this website may have tips as well. Maintaining eye contact is a biggie, and not too difficult if you're talking to an interesting person anyways.

 

Lastly, appreciate the type of person you are. If you're an intelligent, sorta shy guy who doesn't really like the bar/club scene, don't force yourself to go there & likely be disappointed. Join some interest groups/clubs, go to company functions, do things that are interesting to YOU. There, you'll meet people who you'll likely find interesting as well. I think this is why internet dating can be so successful - you contact people who already have the same interests, and a similar personality (you gather) so it's easier to maintain conversation. I'm not saying the people at bars aren't compatible with you, but if you're a quiet physicist, for ex. you probably won't be attracted to the extroverted party girl that typically enjoys surface talk & drinks..so don't try hitting on those type of girls.

 

Hope that helps..and don't give up! You'll meet someone eventually. I know someone who's getting married next month & he's 30..just met his finance last year as well. You never know when you'll meet someone, and you can't force love. It will happen, just be open to new experiences & people, and you're bound to find it!

 

Take care..

 

sparrow

[wlfpack81]

Online sites don't work. Tried a few of them and got no responses and I'm not about to pay another $20 a month just to get ignored digitally when I can walk around in real life and get ignored for damn free. A rating of 5.5 on link removed tells me all I need to know about my unattractiveness.

[Caldus]

Yeah I would suggest link removed, link removed, or link removed.

[wlfpack81]

Rating sites are stupid. You need to visit sites aimed towards more maturity, such as link removed or link removed. Don't join sites like hotornot or facethejury because all it's about is looks and it's full of 16 year olds. These other two sites are more aimed toward people 25-40 years old (I know this b/c I do outdoor advertising for link removed). These sites are for more mature individuals.

 

Doesn't matter how old someone gets, looks are important and since I don't have them why waste damn money joining a dating site. I'd rather buy alcohol like I did tonite. And may I say Yager + Guinness sure tastes great.

[Beec]

 

Doesn't matter how old someone gets, looks are important and since I don't have them why waste damn money joining a dating site. I'd rather buy alcohol like I did tonite. And may I say Yager + Guinness sure tastes great.

 

Looks are not everything. Attitude and personality account for a lot too.

[wlfpack81]

Listen Beec unless you can read minds and know someone's personality w/o even speakign to them it's the looks taht are going to get that guy to come accross the crowded dance floor/class/atrium etc. to talk to that girl and vice versa.

[Beec]

Well, you can do that if you know body langauge, how to read it and send it.

[wlfpack81]

Yeah I would suggest link removed, link removed, or link removed.

 

Like a fool I took the advice of some of you and joined up for 3months with link removed. Of course then I realized I was a fool since there probably aren't many pickings from out here in Oklahoma aka Middle of Nowhere. For one not many blacks out here and secondly since the midwest tends to be conservative/republican there probably aren't many white girls who'll take a chance at dating outside their race. So either way I'm probably screwed. What a waste of my $45.

[Carnatic]

wlfpack start your own topic.

 

Case in point.

I know loads of guys who aren't really that good looking. But I was jealous of them, because I thought they were good looking as they seemed to be quite successful with the women. It's only now that I realise that many of them aren't as good looking as me and what made women see these guys as good looking was their confidence, they all either believed they were good looking, or simply didn't care. Girls can see confidence in a guy from accross the room just as easily as they can see good looks.

[madhornet]

Self esteem takes time to build up again when you've been treated badly and/or knocked back plenty of times. I should know as it's happened to me over and over again. Trouble is it makes me more wary and gradually less trusting each time it happens which obviously comes accross with my body language and behaviour.

 

Basically, it's not always just a case of saying 'you've got some self-esteem issues' and to sort it out just like that. It takes time to regain self confidence and brave meeting girls and getting to know them again. I have got to the point where I don't care if girls don't like who I am (except for the point at the end of this paragraph) and they start ignoring me, playing games with me or whatever because that way I won't get hurt each time and have to start the confidence rebuilding again. If anything starts to develop further with a girl that is the time I can start opening up gradually and hopefully something more will develop - but there is always that nagging feeling that never having had a girlfriend at nearly 28 years of age will put them off if I am ever asked the question of how experienced I am from a dating/sex point of view.

 

I know everyone has occasional doubts about these things (or they should do!) but should I be more trusting and open early on or is it better to stick with my gut instincts with every situation?

[Beec]

I think you want to make sure you are striking the right balance in terms of how open you are with a woman. If she is really open, then you can be more open. If she is very private, don't tell her all your thoughts. And try to only be open in those areas she is comfortable with, so if she is private about sex or her family, follow suit.

 

Trust is built in a relationship a little at a time. ONe of the couple make sthemself a little vulnerable, and the other show they can be trusted. And that goes back and forth.

[redface]

Everything you said sandbox is exactly how i am ,except im 26 ,i too have thought about killing myself but i know i would never do it as im scared of the unknown.

 

I dont believe that there's a heaven where well all meet after we die ,and i think this is what keeps me from suicide,my life aint great,but there are worser things in life than not having a girlfriend,its loney i know and it can get depressing seeing couples together and thinking youll never meet anybody who will fall in love with you.

 

If you are like me then you probably don't go to nightclubs and can't dance as you feel everyone is watching you,and the fear that a girl will ask you to dance and you'll have to turn her down casue you just cant do it or even worse you try to dance and she sees show bad you are and starts to laugh and just walks away.

 

Im trying to force myself to start going to nightclubs as this is probably the best place to meet a girl but it ain't going to be easy.

 

The worst thing about being shy is the pressure i feel to keep a conversation going and my mind just goes totally blank.

[joe45]

anyboyd can be good looking-wear some nice ltohes, wear gel,cut ur hair....all that b*** and maybe extremes plastic surgery.

i use to wear glasses, messy hair.... now contacts, gel or cap.... and newwer clothes. appearance u can change

 

Rating sites are stupid. You need to visit sites aimed towards more maturity, such as link removed or link removed. Don't join sites like hotornot or facethejury because all it's about is looks and it's full of 16 year olds. These other two sites are more aimed toward people 25-40 years old (I know this b/c I do outdoor advertising for link removed). These sites are for more mature individuals.

 

Doesn't matter how old someone gets, looks are important and since I don't have them why waste damn money joining a dating site. I'd rather buy alcohol like I did tonite. And may I say Yager + Guinness sure tastes great.

[Carnatic]

agree totally with joe. And another thing, looks aren't as important as confidence once you get past about 19.

[Caldus]

And just because you think you look ugly does not mean that everyone else will think the same way. I happen to have a much more boyish look but I take advantage of it as some girls love it.

[Ceema-k]

Hi sandbox,

 

I just read your post today and most every word you wrote could have come out of my own mouth.

 

I too am 27 and have been "relationship-free" my whole life with one exception when I was 23 and had a short-term fling which I do no look back on proudly at all.

 

In the course of being perpetually single, I have come to grips with many things. I realize that I have forever missed on the boat on young love, of being 19, 20, and early-twenties and experiencing the joys of care-free dating. At the same time I realize my own personal growth, starting off as a debilitatingly shy teenager, onward as a still very shy college student and up to now as an adult, when I can finally look people in the eyes when I speak to them and actually make new friends beyond the ones I made back in highschool.

 

What I'm getting at here is that I have been playing a "catch-up" for the past few years, not only in the realm of dating and relationships, but in almost every other aspect of life. I am the ultimate late-bloomer, or so I like to think of myself. And it's a frustrating process... every time I think I am up to speed on things, something doesn't go my way and I have to question again how things work.

 

Probably the thing that keeps me positive is that I can't change my past and I can't let my history hang over me like a cloud when I am trying progress beyond the small little place that used to be the only world I knew.. And I'm just talking about finding a girlfriend... just someone who I think is right for me. All this lofty language, just to achieve something that millions of people seem to do effortlessly.

 

I'm sorry if I hijacked your thread with my own story... just saying, well, you are definitely not alone. And I myself take some tiny solace in knowing that I too am not the only 'singleton' trying to make ends meet.

 

Good luck and keep on truckin'!

C.