Everything Comes Full Circle

[LemonCheesecak]

Where do I start?

 

I reckon it's been long past a year since I was last here. Things had been picking up and I found that reading other people's stories was just holding me back so I disappeared. Entirely selfish I know, and it makes me feel all the worse for coming back now when I'm in need, although I expect I'll be unknown to nearly everyone here now.

 

So when I last left I was in a long distance relationship, that for that very reason didn't work out in the end, I was in better shape than I had ever been, I was starting to really get excited about my studies and future career and closer to my family and friends than ever before. I estimate the peak of this happiness to be around August 09-November 09.

 

Soon after Christmas things started to turn again. I found my relationship struggling due to the barrier of distance and inevitably broke up. It was tough, but I managed to get through it, continued my studies and found myself doing pretty well in my final exams for that year. Me and 3 friends decided to celebrate the end of another academic year by spending four days trekking accross a part of the country. It was a physically demanding but rewarding experience. Of course, something had to taint it. On the last day I received a phonecall telling my my dog, of 14 years, had been put down. A week later my grandmother, perhaps my biggest fan in life and someone who has been there for me during my greatest financial struggles fell into ill health and passed away soon after.

 

And so began a summer of soul destroying work, just to be able to afford another year at University. I worked long hours, long weeks, saw very few of my friends and far too many faces I'd rather have never seen again. It dragged on and on, things were tense and emotional at home and I begged September to come as quick as it could. Then one night in August I was assaulted, and arrested while defending myself.

 

I moved into an amazing new place at the end of September with my oldest friend and things started to pick up again. At the behest of my friends I took a foray into online dating and even had a couple of dates. Nothing came of them, but it was nice to be meeting new people and getting back into the swing of things. For once I was actually confident and on top of my studies.

 

This was all until about 2 weeks ago. Out of nowhere, all my enthusiasm, ambition and drive just dropped. I was making excuses to never leave my room, barely even making it out of bed most days. My workload was mounting and I refused to acknowledge it. My finances were erratic and as soon as I was at a comfortable level I'd spend it all on frivolous things to make myself feel better. Then out of the blue I managed to arrange a dinner date with a girl that intrigued me. It went fantastically, to say the least. We managed to hit it off and even arranged a second date on that night. What followed was a couple of days of chatting, getting to know each other a bit better. The night before the date I got a drunken phonecall asking if she could come round. Now, I should point out that this city can be pretty rough around 3am and it was snowing, so I agreed and was a complete gentleman. I made sure she had something to eat and drink and then we went to sleep. We spent the next day together while I made sure she survived her hangover. We agreed to reschedule our intended date. That was Sunday.

 

Now what followed was a couple of days where I could sense something was wrong. I didn't hear back and I didn't push it. I made the mistake of bringing it up today in jest, only to be told I 'laid it on too heavy' and have her tell me that she doesn't want another date right now.

 

Now, I understand that I should have said no to her coming over that night. I know at the least I shouldn't have spent the following day with her. And I also know that I can't be too upset by someone I've only had one real date with but that is not why I am here. To be told it's MY fault and that there is something wrong with ME has just sent me to my lowest point in memory. I realise in writing this I've not explicitly asked for any advice, but right now it was more a cathartic thing that I just needed to do.

 

If I had one question though, it would be this: How do you find the spark that motivates you to even wake up in the morning when you've tried and watched it all fall down again? Who do you talk to when friends and family tell you the same things they always have and go back to their seemingly more fulfilling lives?

[thespecial1]

For your question i would say self motivation is my spark once iv'e reach the point of utter despair i simply tell my self it ultimately comes down to me and my well being and i will never let anyone ruin my life i have a passion and as long as i live i will let it burn, my passion to better my self gets me going

[LemonCheesecak]

Thanks for the reply.

 

The problem is I've been down this road before, and I was really proud of everything I achieved. I'm talking about a total turnaround of my life. But I'm terrified because out of nowhere it all seems to have disappeared and more.

 

I don't know what my motivation is any more, or my passion. Everything that comes easily to others seems like a constant fight for me.

[thespecial1]

what can probably help is to smile when you wake up just smile because you have lived another day try setting small goals that can be easily achieved to help get your motivation going and build a fighting mentality just say i wont sulk any more i'm going to concur my dreams those usually help me it is hard to start self motivating but i believe you will get there

[90_hour_sleep]

Thanks for the reply.

The problem is I've been down this road before, and I was really proud of everything I achieved. I'm talking about a total turnaround of my life. But I'm terrified because out of nowhere it all seems to have disappeared and more. I don't know what my motivation is any more, or my passion. Everything that comes easily to others seems like a constant fight for me.

 

seems like one of those natural cycles in life. when things are good...we roll. when things aren't so good...sometimes we stumble and fall...and are forced to re-evaluate. ups...downs...highs...lows. sometimes it comes down to a period of regeneration...where we need to slow down...take a step back. it's hard when you've been rolling along nicely though. the natural tendency seems to be to keep plodding along...ignoring as best we can what our bodies are telling us. i think this is what leads to illness. i've noticed that in my own life at least. when i don't stop...i sink deeper. everything around me is screaming...succeed...create...accomplish. it's so draining to keep up the facade sometimes...when all i want to do is curl up and sleep...rest.

 

i think it comes down to self-awareness. notice when the energy levels are dropping...and learning to accept that there are natural periods where you won't be meeting your expectations. also a good reminder that nothing stays the same. even though most of us end up finding a little niche that we'd like to sink into...a place of comfort and stability...that we slowly become terrified of venturing away from. i know for me...i tend to get far too comfortable...and then i begin to notice that i'm no longer open to things that seem likely to threaten that comfort. that's when my body pipes up...gives me that little kick to remind me that too much comfort can be detrimental to my well-being.

 

sometimes the cycles last for a few days...or a few weeks. my last 'down' cycle lasted nearly three years. sometimes you really just gotta give yourself a break. give yourself permission to stop. be curious about where you're going. seems that the end of each cycle brings with it something new and exciting. there's always that to look forward to i suppose. the cycles always end. constant flux.

 

for me...the title of your thread says it all.......

[halfie]

We'll you've done it before and I suppose that you are asking the wrong question.

You see I'm sure that you know that no bit of happyness last's forever, as do sparks of motivation.

I see depression and negativity and I relate it to realisim. I think people tend to see more clearly when they are down because they realize that they wern't all that, that of witch they made themselves out to be. And the people around you who seem to be leading fulfilling lives will encounter the same realization time and time again.

Balance, is the key, to not aim for perfection and happyness. To embrace and accept the downs and the things we don't want. It's then you see the negativity as nothing more than to lean and become stronger from.

 

What get's me by is thinking about people who aren't as fourtunate because it seems that you have a lot going for you, a lot more than I have anyway so I wish you good luck with you're troubles and in time, things will get better, and if not, a lot better.

[paradiselost]

Just remember that what comes easy to others is appearance - EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE has some sort of turmoil but whilst to you its a lot to other insignficant and others collossal depeniding on your experiences.

 

The older I grow the more I realise sadly that you can only depend on yourself, you can never really trust anyone because sometimes its hard to trust yourself.

 

What you can do is always adjust your path - the very moment you feel you are walking on dangerous ground, change your path - always seek the smoothest road for you even if it is the road less travelled.

 

Always have hope and always put hope in who created you - if He put you here, and is putting you through this, then its in His hands to sort this out too.

 

When you need to vent come here - I know some people say it hinders recovery but it depends which part of the board you read - writing is so therapeutic, especialyl writing to people who will read and reply out of choice.

 

PL

[LemonCheesecak]

Thanks everyone.

 

A good night's sleep does a world of good. By all means, I'm still feeling pretty rotten but reading back I can see I was on a bit of a whine there. The thing is, I'm pretty sure I know this won't last but I don't want to come back to this position every so often. My University career is a demanding one and every time I find myself here its a setback that I cannot afford. I owe it to myself and everyone who has ever supported me to make something of myself. I suppose I can never truly stop the cycle but I want the next time I'm here to be insignificant, a mere blip. Is that at all possible?

 

Thanks halfie, I know I have a lot going for me, I'm sorry you feel you're not the same. I have had a relatively fortunate life to date. A problem is that I've surrounded myself with people even more fortunate than myself. It could be jealousy but I see it as frustration. I have friends who travelling the world, finding lucrative employment and enjoyable social lives. I've had to work incredibly hard to get to where I am today but that seems to the the peak. It's like I've hit a wall in every aspect of my life.

 

Ultimately I've decided to take a day off today. I'll start again early tomorrow and take things from there. I'm just trying to find that glimmer of something that I want from myself right now.