What is necessary for succesful LDR?

[SmilingKatty]

I am thinking of "getting myself into" a LDR (we got to know each other abroad and now, after three months of relationship, we have to go back to our countries).

I am quite worried about the future and I would like to ask people, who has experience with LDR, to advise me a little bit...

 

Can I make such a decision based only on three months of knowing each other?

Does it make sense to try LDR even though we haven´t made any plans for living together eventually? (I think we are just in the middle of deciding what we want from life and thinking about our goals, so any plans for a future together will have to wait quite a long time...)

Is it necessary to make such plans first or is it OK to just make them up along the way?

Is it worth trying, if even now I am very anxious about it?

 

so far I have come up with an idea, that we could try out LDR for a month or two and than have a very open talk about the situation (if we are happy about how it is and if it is worth continuing...).

[cutiepie0308]

Im in an LDR right now. Have been for quite some time. In my opinion different things are going to work for different couples and there is no norm. Although communication is definitley key. You both have to be willing to put in the time. For me and my bf, we communicate every day, several times a day by way of phone, text and email. We web chat once in a while, send pictures, cards in the mail, even little gifts in the mail. I didnt want to waste my time in an LDR that was going nowhere, so we both sat down and talked about what we ultimately want out of doing this. Basically, before I embarked on an LDR I pretty much knew one of us would eventually be moving. That is a personal choice though, and like I said, depending on where you both are in life, that may or may not be a necessary talk.

 

1. But to answer your question ( I was you) yes, if you think this guy is special and you see a future then you definitley can make this decision, even only after 3 months.

 

2. Its ok to get into an LDR without making plans to live together, but that issue should def be resolved sooner rather than later. Basically what Im saying is, dont let that issue dangle for years.

 

3. Yes it is worth trying, especially if you feel hes different from the rest!

[howinvoluntary]

I was recently in a LDR for two years. I only knew her for about six months, and we were only together for two of those months before we both moved far away from one another. It recently ended at the same time as the distance ended actually, as there was just too much pressure for her to come live with me and start anew.

 

Even though it recently ended, I don't regret it. Even when apart I still enjoyed myself more so than not. I just wouldn't do something like that again. I guess I would let how strongly you feel dictate where you go from here. I really really loved the girl, and if we didn't pursue the relationship it probably would have taken me a year or so to be in a position to pursue something else regardless.

 

So if you feel the same way that I did, there is little stopping your feelings from pursuing it. Just know that it can be difficult to balance your relationship and your life, as they might be two separate entities for the near future.

 

In Regards to your questions:

 

Can I make such a decision based only on three months of knowing each other?

 

It depends on what took place in the first three months really. Just realize that no matter what took place, those three months are going to be your future impression of the person as long as the distance between the two of you is present. Very little can change that impression while apart, and it can create a fantasy. It can make your time together seem perfect, and put a lot of pressure on either one of you when it is not perfect. But it also means that it is extremely difficult to let go if that is what you decide is necessary after not being able to endure the circumstances.

 

Does it make sense to try LDR even though we haven´t made any plans for living together eventually? (I think we are just in the middle of deciding what we want from life and thinking about our goals, so any plans for a future together will have to wait quite a long time...) Is it necessary to make such plans first or is it OK to just make them up along the way?

 

The way you put it, it seems like that going forward with no reconnection plan is the only way. In my relationship we didn't have a plan to reunite until almost a year of distance, and even then the plan wasn't very concrete until six months before she came here. If you try to create those plans now, I'm inclined to think it will actually have less of a chance of working. Both of you need to figure out how best to make it work after further developing the relationship.

 

so far I have come up with an idea, that we could try out LDR for a month or two and than have a very open talk about the situation (if we are happy about how it is and if it is worth continuing...).

 

This isn't a bad plan. I think if nothing else it will alleviate pressure. It will be better understood by either of you if it isn't working for you a month or two down the line. But I would still assess how you feel now, as it is still easier to pull out now if you have too many doubts. It gets harder when the only reason for breaking up is because of the circumstance. Just try to balance how you feel and how willing you are to go forward with the distance, as it will certainly get hard at times. I wish you the best.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm in a 4,000 mile LDR, I in the states, he in the UK. Yes, you can go into a LDR with only three months to to on. My fiance and I met online and started and have always been in a LDR. If you feel its right go for it.

 

You don't have to have everuthing planned out in Tue beginning. Just as long as the two of you are on the same page at least with marriage and kids (to have or not to have) you can plan the rest as the relationship progresses. I will say you need to have the talk of if either of you would be willing to move to be with the other. Very important to find out before you go in if someone won't move. you don't have to set a date but just KNOWING you or the other person is willing to move will ease stress.

 

With that in mind, try to set an end date for the relationship, be it year or two. LDRs that stretch forever with no light at the end of the tunnel tend to have more arguments and dissolve. Like I said, no specific date really but at least a year timeline will give you something to look forward to.

 

LDRs can be rewarding and worth it if done with the right person. They can increase your communication skills, your trust levels, and your independence outside the relationship. They aren't for the faint of heart of though and require dedication.

 

The most important thing though is communication. You have to have awesome communication skills in order to survive.

[SmilingKatty]

IAlthough communication is definitley key. You both have to be willing to put in the time. For me and my bf, we communicate every day, several times a day by way of phone, text and email. We web chat once in a while, send pictures, cards in the mail, even little gifts in the mail.

 

communication is one of the things I am worried about - I love to spend time with him and I know, that he wishes to be in my company, but we are both prety quiet people, so we aren´t used to a long talks (we like to do things together, like cooking, going for a walk and so on). And as I see it, LDR is mostly about long talks... ?

 

I didnt want to waste my time in an LDR that was going nowhere, so we both sat down and talked about what we ultimately want out of doing this. Basically, before I embarked on an LDR I pretty much knew one of us would eventually be moving. That is a personal choice though, and like I said, depending on where you both are in life, that may or may not be a necessary talk.

this is another problem I worry about - as it is now I don´t want to move because of him (I had some bad experiences concerning making important and life changing decisions based on a feeling of love, so now I am very sceptical and don´t want to move away from my friends, who could help me in case something goes wrong...). And I think, that it is not fair to want him to move, when I am not willing to do the same...

 

 

1. But to answer your question ( I was you) yes, if you think this guy is special and you see a future then you definitley can make this decision, even only after 3 months.

...

3. Yes it is worth trying, especially if you feel hes different from the rest!

 

I know he is different - he is the first person I have ever been with, that I can imagine having family and home with... But I am worried about the time between now and that future (which is still at least 5 years ahead...)

 

I guess I would let how strongly you feel dictate where you go from here. I really really loved the girl, and if we didn't pursue the relationship it probably would have taken me a year or so to be in a position to pursue something else regardless.

 

So if you feel the same way that I did, there is little stopping your feelings from pursuing it.

...

This isn't a bad plan. I think if nothing else it will alleviate pressure. It will be better understood by either of you if it isn't working for you a month or two down the line. But I would still assess how you feel now, as it is still easier to pull out now if you have too many doubts. It gets harder when the only reason for breaking up is because of the circumstance. Just try to balance how you feel and how willing you are to go forward with the distance, as it will certainly get hard at times. I wish you the best.

 

Thank you This is actually another reason I am worried - I have probably subconsciously didn´t let myself to do any "crazy" kind of falling in love (I knew from the beginning, that we will have to part in the future).

I love him and want to be with him and I think, that even stronger feelings can come very soon. On the other hand I just don´t know, if all the problems which will be caused by LDR will not be too much for me...

 

 

 

With that in mind, try to set an end date for the relationship, be it year or two. LDRs that stretch forever with no light at the end of the tunnel tend to have more arguments and dissolve. Like I said, no specific date really but at least a year timeline will give you something to look forward to.

 

LDRs can be rewarding and worth it if done with the right person. They can increase your communication skills, your trust levels, and your independence outside the relationship. They aren't for the faint of heart of though and require dedication.

 

The most important thing though is communication. You have to have awesome communication skills in order to survive.

 

Thank you for the advice - setting the date seems a really clever idea!

Unfortunately, as I have already written, I am quite worried because of the communication skills missing a little bit...

 

BTW - congratulation on your success - I cannot imagine, how difficult it had to be...

[Cognitive_Canine]

You have to set a date. Without the "goal', LDR's can feel endless and like you'll never truly be together. It doesn't even need to be a specific date just something along the lines of 'Spring 2012 I will move to your country!". Make sure you establish that you both want the end result (marriage or whatever and one eventually living in the other's country).

 

Also, 3 months is enough time to know each other before entering an LDR. My boyfriend and I knew each other for a little before then and we were in 4 year long relationship. In 2 weeks, I'll be moving to his town and we can finally be together =).

 

LDR's are extremely hard, but if you can make it through them, nothing else can stand in your way.

[SmilingKatty]

You have to set a date. Without the "goal', LDR's can feel endless and like you'll never truly be together. It doesn't even need to be a specific date just something along the lines of 'Spring 2012 I will move to your country!". Make sure you establish that you both want the end result (marriage or whatever and one eventually living in the other's country).

 

Also, 3 months is enough time to know each other before entering an LDR. My boyfriend and I knew each other for a little before then and we were in 4 year long relationship. In 2 weeks, I'll be moving to his town and we can finally be together =).

 

LDR's are extremely hard, but if you can make it through them, nothing else can stand in your way.

 

Thank you for advice. But even the deadline is difficult - we are both students and we are not sure, when we will be finished... (he may finish this year or after another two and I am not sure about myself either...)

 

congratulations to your moving

[Cognitive_Canine]

Thank you for advice. But even the deadline is difficult - we are both students and we are not sure, when we will be finished... (he may finish this year or after another two and I am not sure about myself either...)

 

congratulations to your moving

 

I would talk to him about your academic goals. Figure out how many semesters are left at which institutions (and possible post grad work). Will you have summers off to visit each other? How often could you possibly visit each other?

 

Even if you weren't about to enter an LDR, it's really nice to have all of your goals and deadlines set out in front of you.

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree with CC. You guys need to at least figure out how much longer school is, that can be your general deadline to work too. As for communication skills, mine were horrible when my fiance and I got together. All you can do is work on them. Always talk, talk about if something bothers you (its easy for resentment to brew in a LDR if problems are left unspoken), never hang up during an argument, etc. Mostly you just have to be very open with each other on how you feel and where you stand.

[SmilingKatty]

Thank you. We will try to work out the "deadline" before commiting to the LDR...

About communication - we don´t talk much, but we are quite open with each other regarding our feelings - at least when I compare it to my previous relationships...

[OptomisticGirl]

It isn't so much how much you talk, but how you communicate your needs/feelings. There will be times you don't get to talk often (you do lead lives) but as long as the quality of your talks don't survive you will be fine.

[thejigsup]

I think you miss too many of the little things with a LDR; whispered jokes in bed, that squeeze of the hand when you need it most, that smile when you walk in the door, the holidays always spent together that start traditions with the two of you, and of course, sex. I guess is you are willing to put all of that on the back burner for someone, it could work. I wouldn't do it for anyone, but then, everyone is not me.

[OptomisticGirl]

^webcams help, lol

You do miss out on a lot, but if you have that end date to look forward to, it helps because you know one day you will get it.

[SmilingKatty]

That was exactly what I thought at the beginning of the relationship (that I will not take it too seriously and than be able to let go easily). But I have realized, how wonderful my guy is and I don´t want to lose him... I don´t think I will ever meet anyone who would love me so much and whom I could have a family with...

 

But as you said - the time of the LDR is going to be very difficult.

The other option I am thinking about, is just letting him go and maybe try to get in contact after few years, when I am more sure of what exactly I want out of my life and maybe willing to move to him...

I just don´t know how is this going to end...

[Fudgie]

I'm in an LDR since I'm in college in another state but it's not 4k miles, only about 340 miles or so.

 

You don't have to stay in CONSTANT contact but good communication is essential. You also need to trust each other. Insecurity and trust can kill a LDR so don't let that happen.

[SmilingKatty]

Thank you . I think I trust him, I have much bigger doubts about myself...