I don't know where to start...

[2kids]

but here it goes and it probably won't make sense.

 

I am tired. Tired of not being happy with who I am because I don't know for sure who I am anymore. I am not who I was a year or 10 or 20 years ago. I know people change, but I don't know ME. When I try to look from the outside, I want to slap my own self.

 

My first recollection of abuse was when I was about 4 years old. This was back in 1976 and I was 4 years old. I just had some shot and that was when they were still done in the butt. My dad intentionally pinched me right where the shot was. I only know it was intentional because he laughed as I cried. He was a drunk. Bills didn't get paid...blah blah blah. I think it was about a year later when we left. Me, my 2 brothers, a sister, my pregnant mother. I will never forget the night. My sister and I were sitting at the top of the stairs and watched as my dad wrapped a telephone cord around my mom. I knew it wasn't right, and I didn't know if she was going to die. Between that night and the last time I ever saw my dad when I was 12, I maybe saw him 25 times. I am now 38 years old. I don't miss him and if I passed him on the street I wouldn't know him.

 

My mom...well that is a woman that is complex. I knew she loved me but the first time I remember her telling me that she loved me was when I graduated high school. And I remember thinking when I heard that "I have never heard that before". I vowed to tell my kids everyday that I love them, so much that they would get sick of it.

 

I will have to continue another day, I feel like I am about to have an anxiety attack. Why do I feel this way?

[2kids]

I woke up this morning completely irritated. I don't remember having any dreams, but something was there in my subconcious. I feel very alone today. My biggest peeve happened last night, I was lied to. I am running in a circle and can't seem to get out of it. I am really going to break down and cry. I feel crazy. I hate life right now.

[metrogirl]

I'm sorry 2kids. I know I have those days as well, where I wake up absolutely irritated with the world and not even sure why. Keep journaling, it really helps.

 

I hope you find some comfort today. Big hugs.