Is being sweet not attractive to men?

[Batya33]

I think when the motivation for being sweet is approval and therefore the person acts overly apologetic or says yes to avoid issues or confrontation, or is not assertive (in a sweet way), that's not sweet as much as it is insecure and passive -which can be dull and kind of fake. We all want to be around kind, thoughtful, caring people but only when those people are confident and have boundaries so that there is also mutual respect. Most people I know (myself included) find being challenged and kept on their toes- fun and interesting. That should be done in a kind way- not with sarcasm or game playing -but it keeps things interesting. Even my toddler loves the games where we chase him or hide toys and make him work to find them -and he also loves to be cuddled and pampered. So do most people!

[ut804]

ahh I have this same problem and wanted to start a thread like this!

 

I am considered to very very "nice" and "sweet" yet I SWEAR guys like girls who are *****es. I am NOT a doormat however and i DO speak up for myself if I feel a guy isn't treating me right.

 

I am guessing guys think "sweet" girls are boring and like drama? thats what it seems.

 

I am hoping to meet a guy who will like my niceness! seriously, if a guy likes drama then he must be unhealthy.

 

my ex had a lot of crazy ex-girlfriends. when we got together, he said I was sweeter, nicer, and prettier than all of his ex's. yet he dumped me. I am starting to think there is something wrong with this guy, like maybe he is used to drama and crazy girls and then he found me boring?

thats so messed up though!!!

[SapphireNoir10]

Some wise poster said to me theres a difference between being nice and sweet and being a push over. As in guys respect someone whose nice when it counts but can also stand their ground and put up boundaries.

 

My ex said he dumped a girl for being too nice and being a 'care bear' and I was sweet and nice to him too. Some guys are just douches though lol.

 

We just need to mmet the right guys!

[im sandra dee]

thanks for all the feedback

 

I just want to point out that I may be nice and sweet but I'm no pushover or doormat.... no way... that won't get me any respect and to be respected is what I'm looking for.......

[Fudgie]

Yep you sound fine. Just find a guy who will appreciate you.

[jimmajam]

If I had to guess a lot of guys think sweet girls are boring. They want a girl who is going to be the top of her social group, not take any crap yadda yadda. Some guys find that attractive. As you can see though a lot of guys like sweet girls. I know I do.

[Juiced85]

As a guy, for me at the beginning it's all about the "thrill of the hunt". If you make yourself too available, are too agreeable, or give us what we want too early on, it will become boring and cause us to back off. Dont just agree to see us every time we want to see you, dont agree to go to every place we want to go to and dont always respond the second we message you.

 

It sounds silly, but it's true. As the relationship progresses and we get to become closer, then let that side come out and it will be fine.

[BriarRose]

As a guy, for me at the beginning it's all about the "thrill of the hunt". If you make yourself too available, are too agreeable, or give us what we want too early on, it will become boring and cause us to back off. Dont just agree to see us every time we want to see you, dont agree to go to every place we want to go to and dont always respond the second we message you.

 

It sounds silly, but it's true. As the relationship progresses and we get to become closer, then let that side come out and it will be fine.

 

YES!!!!! Well, I'm not a guy, but this seems to have been the case my whole life with men. I fall for them and want to be with them, and they lose interest. When I am not available (usually because I am just not that interested), they call constantly and want to see me.

[Fudgie]

There's a definite difference in being sweet and being too available. Plus different guys like different things.

 

When I like someone, it shows. With my boyfriend, I've made myself available for him, done nice things, etc. Maybe I made myself "too available" by some guys' standards (but who cares about them, I'm not dating them lol) but not to my boyfriend...he loves it. He makes himself available to me. We are welcome to each other any time and it works for us.

 

I think some guys may like it when you manipulate them into thinking you're "playing hard to get" but there ARE men out there who just want someone genuine and they want to feel loved, as you want to feel loved. I think playing games is stupid, if I want to see a guy, then I go see him. I'm not going to sit on my hands at home and not see him because I feel I need to "send a message".

 

Nah...I'm myself and I have fared well. I believe others can too.

[Batya33]

It comes down to whether the sweetness is genuine or comes from insecurity (which then is usually not genuine but mostly as a way to seek approval -not for the purpose of being thoughtful)

[Juiced85]

If a guy is that into you and welcomes all those gestures right away, chances of that relationship lasting for a long time are slim. It's not about being somebody you're not, its about making things interesting. If you never have a girls night out, or you never hang out with your friends and are always ready to see us when we have time, it will come accross like you have issues and thats why nobody else is spending time with you.

 

It's not a game, at all, it's life. If you start dating somebody and you give them everything they want right away, they will become bored of you eventually.

 

Think about it this way... Why do we work? So we can pay bills and buy ourselves the nicer things in life, right? Well, what if you never had to pay bills and everything you ever wanted could be yours at the snap of your fingertips? Would you still continue to go to work even though it bored you? Probably not.

[Fudgie]

Considering my boyfriend and I are approaching our 2 year anniversary...I'd say we're doing fine. We haven't had any issue. Our relationship is very loving and interesting without either one of us needing to manipulate one another. Mind you though, he's 58. And nope, I don't really go out. I have friends I could go out with but I choose not to. A guy who thinks I have "issues" because I prefer to spend time doing other things at home (I have many hobbies) isn't the sort of guy I'd want to be with anyway.

 

And yes, manipulating people into thinking you're busy when you're not and really want to be with them is a game. It's played often and I don't like it, but hey, that's me. You are welcome to play it if you want but I have had no problem finding men who are like me and don't want to play it.

 

And yes, I'd still go to work. I like working. I do it out of a sense of wanting to be productive and wanting to help people, not just for th money.

[Juiced85]

Youre 21, dating a 58 year old...

Sure it will last, sure he will be sweet to you, look at the situation.

 

Sorry, but what you wrote speaks for itself, however, if youre happy, more power to you.

[Fudgie]

Yes, I'm extremely happy with him. We are like any other couple on here.

 

I just mentioned his age because I feel that he's done "playing games" and just wants a life companion, as do I. He was dated women in the past who did what you have described and he felt that he was being manipulated and it was lame, because when they were with him, they would be really happy and then would go "cold" on him for a while.

 

If you think he's happy with me because of the sex, you're wrong. He can't do it so we don't have any at the moment. But I immensely enjoy his company and I know he likes mine. We are really compatible, and that's why we will last.

 

Your posts just affirm to me why I don't like to date men my own age, (assuming your birth year is 1985, from your screenname)...all these games and such. Sure older men may do it, but not all do. Totally not my thing. There are ways to spice up a relationship without manipulating anyone and that's what I do.

[Juiced85]

Name a few ways in which you spice up your current relationship.

[Fudgie]

Well, YOU may not consider them "spicing up things" but my boyfriend does. He and I do lots of things for each other.

 

-lingerie (surprise ones)

-flowers

-we always do hobbies together

-going out for dinner/walk when it wasn't planned

-we write each other love letters

-he surprises me with my favourite foods

-I quietly do chores for him and when he goes to do them, he sees that they are done.

 

Now that I think about it, I guess we don't really need to "spice things up". I feel very satisfied with him on all levels, never bored at all. We have loads to talk about (when I am away at school, we talk for about 1-2 hours each night...and we've been dating for a long time) and we always manage to make each other laugh. For me, being in a relationship is all about having that connection and having that support, companionship. That's what I love about him.

 

I guess I just don't need that manipulation or push/pull to make me interested in someone and keep my interest. Maybe others do, like you. That's fine, by all means, find a girl who will do that. But not everyone is like you, male or female, and there are some who would rather have that stable relationship with both people being genuine and not needing to play games.

 

Our relationship already feels like what I would marriage feels like. I find that very comforting and exciting in thought, to know that you can spend your life with someone and share your days with them. Maybe that's boring to you. But for me and my boyfriend, it is not. He was married for 14 years to a woman who got very bored with him (he did all these things for her) and they split and he was sad. But now he has me. I just know that there are people out there like us and the hard part is finding them!

[BriarRose]

Fudgie, I wish I had a bf like yours.

[Fudgie]

BriarRose, if he exists, then there are others like him. Not identical of course, but he has that trait, and I know that there are more out there who have the same one. Maybe not OODLES AND OODLES of men but they exist.

 

I really hope you find someone special who will love you for you. I think you will. I know of another couple (the girl is older than me though and her boyfriend is...well, younger than my boyfriend, lol) and they are the SAME way. No games. Their relationship is very similar to others. I also know of MANY older couples who are the same way and they have been together for years. Many of them had sweet courtships and just got together and got married.

 

I think we have to do enough to make people like us: wash ourselves, watch our humor, not be embarassing/awkward, try to be "cool", etc. But I wouldn't feel right telling a guy "oh no I'm sorry, I'm going out to a BAR tonight" (which I don't do anyways) and then stay at home and miss his company. We could be spending time together. Granted, I'm not spending time with my guy 24/7 and that's natural...we both have work and other things to do. But I could never push a guy away when that is not what I want to do.

[Juiced85]

Fudgie, you are missing the point of what I said. I never said pretend to be busy, it's just more fun when you actually are.

I'm not even sure why I am trying to carry on this debate since you are so set in thinking you have it figured out.

[Fudgie]

No, I get what you're saying. For me, it's pretending to be busy, because I don't frequent bars or other places.

 

I just am telling people, if you don't feel like playing "hard to get", then don't. it's NOT a necessity to get guys to like you. Maybe some guys (like you) like that. Fine, then go date women who want to play hard to get. But not every guy is that way. And some girls may want to be open with their feelings and I see no reason why they should "hide" them to play along with a game.

 

I most definitely have it figured out for me, yes. That's a fact.

[Lonewing]

There are a number of people who go to work because they really do LOVE their work. They love it so much they bring it home, they spend every waking hour plotting out their next ad campaign, or their next product line, or their next store, or even just their next days work. You see these people sometimes, the 85 year oldbus driver, for instance, who could have retired ages ago, and yet, keeps on driving the bus instead.

 

Work is FUN if you learn to enjoy it.

[LightbulbSun]

I don't know a guy who doesn't like a sweet woman. But we also want someone who's confident in herself. Passivity in men OR women is not attractive.

[BriarRose]

I don't know a guy who doesn't like a sweet woman. But we also want someone who's confident in herself. Passivity in men OR women is not attractive.

 

I agree. Let's not confuse sweetness with passivity or lack of backbone. But OP stated she is not a pushover. I think she just means sweet as in gentle and kind.