Does she still have feelings for him? Please Read

[soporcogitavi]

Please read all of the details.

 

First thing, I know that I have some insecurity issues, and im really trying hard to fix them. I have come to this site for support. I don’t know if the way I feel is a result of insecurity or if its my gut, or maybe im going crazy because I love this girl so much. Im not a jealous or insecure person by nature but it seems these problems have surfaced recently.

 

Im with the most amazing women I could ever possibly imagine being with, we have been together 9 months and are now engaged and I couldn’t be happier. My fiance is very attractive, and she has a past (which made her the person she is today). She dated a few guys for a little bit, anywhere in the couple weeks to a couple months range before we met, she was single for a year.

 

One of my concerns are regarding one of these guys in particular, they dated for a month or two, and slept together probably once a week at least. The way I understand things ended is that, A) She wasn’t ready for a boyfriend, B) He Moved back to his state for work, C) He was an outdoorsy guy not really her type (she said she couldn’t see herself being with someone that wants to ski and hike every weekend). He invited her to come visit his state for a couple weeks and she decided not to go (this was before we met), the last time they spoke was in january. They are friends on facebook. According to her and I believe her they do not talk or message, I have noticed a few times that she checks out his profile, or some of his pics, or women he becomes friends with. Recently 3-4 times in 1 week. I know she has checked his profile other times as well. He is very good looking guy ( I have to admit). I don’t understand the need to have him as a friend on facebook.

 

She told me she was never emotionally invested with any of these guys ( I personally dont see how thats possible because she slept with them) but I trust her on this.

 

I know she dated a couple of guys after him and those obviously never panned out.

 

I just wonder is she still interested in him, and if he never left would she still be with him.

 

I have confronted her about checking his profile, she got a little defensive at first and told me I was insecure and then she told me it’s just facebook, and she's curious and just clicks and that’s it, but she obviously she had to be thinking of him to go to his profile form her friends list. When I brought this up, she has told me she doesn’t wish he was here, or she doesn’t miss him or anything like that. I don’t want to pry too much into her past relationships without her thinking im extremely insecure.

 

She is extremely caring and attentive towards me, always telling me how im the perfect guy, she could not imagine herself being with someone else, that I’m great, how much she loves me. We live together now and she calls me everyday from work.

 

Honestly I love her so much, I just don’t want to feel like she was with me because he left or whatever, or that she settled for me because im a good guy.

 

Maybe this sounds crazy to all of you but I’m trying desperately to get to the root of my insecurity and solve this, for my sake and the sake of my relationship, as I hate feeling how I feel right now. I know she would never cheat on me and I do trust her. I have no reason not to trust her. Ijust dont know where these feelings are coming from. Maybe I have the problem?

 

What are your thoughts, please don’t judge me too much.

[SpottiOtti]

Hello again,

 

I'm sorry to hear that you are still having troubles with this.

 

You know that you have insecurity issues. What steps do you think would be feasible for you to take to start fixing those?

 

I just wonder is she still interested in him, and if he never left would she still be with him.

 

From what you wrote, I do not get that impression. I do remember telling you in your last thread about this something along the same lines though, and evidently hearing it does nothing to ease the anxiety. Don't get me wrong: I'm going through something similar, and I am not judging you. But yes, I think it is your problem, and it's something you are going to have to fix if you are going to have a successful marriage. I've been doing a workbook called "Mind over mood" - too soon to tell, but so far it's been helping a bit. Maybe you should start reading up on this topic. Or can you talk to a counselor about this?

[Staple]

I don't think you're crazy. She's checking her profile. Women remember can cheat so easily. If it was a guy checking some girl's profile I would say worry less because it would depend on the girl saying yes.

 

But in this case all your fiance has to do is say "I want you" and the guy will have sex with her. IMO, she is hiding something from you--she is not cheating--I think she is hiding the fact that she wants to cheat.

 

You need to find out why she wants to cheat. Something is wrong with your relationship.

[floridagirlal]

I don't think you're crazy. She's checking her profile. Women remember can cheat so easily. If it was a guy checking some girl's profile I would say worry less because it would depend on the girl saying yes.

 

But in this case all your fiance has to do is say "I want you" and the guy will have sex with her. IMO, she is hiding something from you--she is not cheating--I think she is hiding the fact that she wants to cheat.

 

You need to find out why she wants to cheat. Something is wrong with your relationship.

 

I think it's unfair to say that she wants to cheat. I am friends with several of my old boyfriends and I check out their page from time to time and I have absolutely NO interest in being with them and I especially wouldn't ruin my relationship now for them.

 

To OP: You need to remember that she was attracted to you initially because you have some great qualities. Try not to compare yourself to her past boyfriends because it will only eat you up inside. I'm sure that her past boyfriends have had some great qualities too but you need to focus on YOUR relationship with HER...not HER relationship with THEM. If she wants to leave you, then she'll leave, and there is no amount of worry that could stop that. Be positive. Think about your future with her.

[JazzTheme]

She told me she was never emotionally invested with any of these guys ( I personally dont see how thats possible because she slept with them) but I trust her on this.

 

She's telling you what she thinks you want to hear. I don't know if she cares for them now, but she did once, and I would question why she wouldn't admit that.

[soporcogitavi]

She's telling you what she thinks you want to hear. I don't know if she cares for them now, but she did once, and I would question why she wouldn't admit that.

 

What do you suggest I do, and what does that mean?

[JazzTheme]

What do you suggest I do, and what does that mean?

 

It means that she's probably not an open person. She doesn't like to let other people know what she's thinking, even a person who's close to her.

 

From what you said in the first post, I don't think this is a sign of something more. It's just who she is. If she's calling you everyday and just browsing at her ex's profile, no more than that, then I don't think she plans on cheating. What you could do, if you're worried, is do more things together that will bond the two of you, things that will make her think of you. For now, don't bring up her exes; just remind her through your actions that you want to be with her.

[soporcogitavi]

Another thing I dont understand is why is there a need for her to even be friends with him on facebook? I wont ask her to take him off, but shouldnt she?

[Snny]

Another thing I dont understand is why is there a need for her to even be friends with him on facebook? I wont ask her to take him off, but shouldnt she?

Sorry to be blunt here... but what is the point of this question? It's very subjective that you're not going to get a direct answer from everyone. Your answer lies within your relationship boundaries that you and your fiancee have established and how secure you feel about the relationship with the girl you are marrying.

 

If you are already having doubts, you need to back off on the idea of marriage, especially since you've only known this girl for 9 months. My personal opinion from my own experiences... you don't fully someone for 9 months to make that level of commitment. This facebook issue now has brought a concern of where you and her stand based on her choice of looking at an online profile. You don't want her to visit her ex's page, but what's going to stop her? Is she the type of person who is going to listen to your concerns or is she going to listen and reason herself out of "blame" (the way she will view it if you bring it up)?

[geekgirl4]

I can see this escalating into a control issue. IMO, I think you're going to cross the line one day with thinking like this:

 

"Another thing I dont understand is why is there a need for her to even be friends with him on facebook? I wont ask her to take him off, but shouldnt she?"

 

This is your insecurity and not her problem. I would understand if she was sending flirty messages or calling him often but all she is doing is checking on what his life is up to. She's with you now, understand this.

 

My word of advice, let this go and work on your insecurities. What about when she gets a new male friend? Or what if she strikes up a very long conversation with a male friend? Are you going to get jealous and insecure then? She barely dated this guy so try not to worry so much.

[Staple]

Dude seriously do not listen to these people, if you ignore this, a few months from now you are going to be in the infidelity forum. You have to nip this in the bud. Find out WHY she is checking him out. Ask her what's wrong. I'm sorry but there is no reason for her to sit down checking out her ex's profile especially behind your back.

[Freya788]

Just because she looks at his facebook page doesn't mean she still has feelings for him. She could be doing it to reassure herself that she made the right decision accepting your proposal. After all, marriage is a huge huge step in anyone's life. Now take it from me, I've had a bit of ex issues here. My boyfriend who I love dearly and has been with for almost four years now has an ex girlfriend...I know he feels nothing for her because when we first started dating when she would call and text him begging him back he would simply hand it to me to "deal with"..I think I told her that I would put her on life support if she called again..and we didn't hear anything from her for years..until he and I separated for a couple of months...when we decided to give our relationship another try because we had been through much more crap than most couples...she was texting him like crazy! He would ignore her calls and her texts but she just wouldn't let up!! She would ask him for advice on this guy and he would laugh and tell me that this guy was doing the same thing he did to her when they were "dating". She thought they were dating he was sixteen and just wanted a reliable "booty call". I'm his first real serious relationship...anyway..she called him one night and he was drunk so he picked up the phone without paying attention. I sat next to him and listened to their entire conversation...the first thing she asked was if I was asleep...I could hear in her voice that she was flirting with him..trying to get him to realize that he was missing out..sure enough I got the last laugh on that b**ch because he's back to ignoring her after he realized what happened that night and whatever...so as you can see from my experience..if a girl still has feelings for an ex..she'll try to get him back. The fact that she's just checking out his facebook page..I think your free and clear. After all she has YOUR ring on her finger, not HIS.