Learning what it's like to be single

[pitifulmess]

I have been in long term relationships for the entirety of my adult life--3 years with #1 and 4 with #2.

 

I broke up with my first boyfriend and we are still the best of friends, but it is complicated. He has never stopped loving me and long periods of normalcy are occasionally interrupted by his professions of love (except now that he is in a relationship, his third since our breakup but the only one to keep his full attention). He also works for my father and is a regular figure in my life.

 

The point of this post is my second break up that "just" (gosh, the time has crept so slowly) broke up with me in August. We were in a long distance relationship, he in California and I in Tennessee. We, too, still talk all of the time--and now I am the one still in love. I thought he was completely disinterested until he talked about getting back together two weeks ago, but he changed his mind about that. He originally broke up with me because of the distance and his second thoughts were squashed by the same thing, even though I applied exclusively to California law schools just before he broke up with me.

 

I am having trouble healing because the only deeply emotional, meaningful friendships I have had in the last 7 years are with these two men. The last thing I wanted was to be one of those girls who could never not be in a relationship, but I created that for myself by never experiencing it. I have plenty of friends--and some that would consider me a "best" friend--but I am their outlet and they are never mine. I will listen to their problems for hours and when they politely ask me about myself in response I can see their eyes glaze over with disinterest before I get through a single thought.

 

These two guys are the greatest people I have ever known and I love them with all of my heart...a dependency that I am sure cannot be healthy, as kind and tolerant as they are. Ex #2 spent an hour comforting me on the phone after he broke up with me, and then Ex #1 spent 2 hours comforting me after that. They are truly saintly. I talk to them both 2-3 times a week and they both are going to help me move to California. It is a strange situation indeed.

 

The only thing keeping me sane is having them, but is completely cutting ties with Ex#2 the better thing to do? I think he will try to get back together when I move to California, but I don't know if I can let my pride be deflated anymore. If someone dumps you because it's inconvenient, they don't deserve you when it's convenient, right?

 

How do I start...well, living the single life? My friends think of it as "let's go out dancing and you should make out with any guy that you have a remote interest in!" which isn't for me. I find my girlfriends to be fun but selfish and emotionally draining. I also find building new relationships (romantic and not) to be exhausting, but I know the only way to feel less lonely and dependent on the boys is to do so...the problem is I literally do not know how to do it. My friends invite me out all of the time, and I try to keep my acceptance and rejection of invitations pretty even--but I still find most social situations draining and would prefer to sit at home, watching movies or listening to music with a good friend (and, you guessed it, that's usually Ex#1).

 

I just want to be happy and have friendships as true as I have with my exes. I just want to wake up in the morning and be excited about something other than possibly getting a text from Ex#2--in fact, it'd be nice to just glance at the text indifferently before returning to whatever I was doing on my own, as he is obviously more than capable of doing.

 

I just want to be as independent and self confident as I always thought I was.

[Oneironaut]

I could have written all this.

 

I'm in your same position, including the LD relationship, lol...I haven't learned yet how to be single, either. I'm quite miserable, I want to be in a relationship very badly. Which is sad, because like you, I used to be independent and self-confident. Not sure what happened, either. 8(

 

The single life is not about dancing and dating for me, either. I'd rather stay home and do something quiet and companionable.

 

Hm, are you sure you aren't me? 8P

 

LOL..that being said, I wish I had some advice for you, but I'm still trying to figure the whole mess out, myself. All I can say is that, with time (3 months out of a 1.5 year LD relationship that was incredibly intense and even volatile), you will find yourself focusing on other things. It's finally starting to happen for me.

 

Slowly but surely, I'm starting to find myself thinking more and more about what I want in Mr. Right...while less and less about Mr. Wrong, the one who dumped me but keeps me hanging on. But, I'm also making the -conscious- choice to think about him less, and I think that's important. We have control over our own thoughts...so we can choose to lie in bed and lament about what we've lost, or, we can lie in bed and think about what we want to happen for us.

 

It's taken me 3 months, but I'm choosing the latter. No, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still lying there, alone and chilly, but it gives me SOME measure of hope for the future.

 

I know this doesn't help much, but, there are people out here who understand your situation, because we're living it. ^,^;

[lia86]

My friends think of it as "let's go out dancing and you should make out with any guy that you have a remote interest in!"

 

I know this is of absolutely NO help to you, but I'd love it if I had one, JUST ONE single friend that liked to do this. My social life consists of movies, game nights and coffee dates. Just ONCE I want to put on some slinky clothes, dance my A*S off and make out with some hot, random, good-dancing, young guy.

[Daisy11]

I know how you feel. I too have been in a relationship pretty much my entire "dating life". It started with my H.S. honey at 15 with whom I dated for 4 years, then I moved on to a man I met in college for a 3 year relationship and just recently #3, my ex-fiance` who I was with for an additional 3 years. I decided that maybe my relationships didn't work out because I was never single for a long amount of time and that maybe I need some time to just be "me" and to learn how to live independantly.

 

Sure, great idea on the surface but no easy feat. I've been going through long stages of being lonely and fighting depression... however I did purchase and read the book "Single" by Judy Ford and I highly recommend it to any "newly single" individual! The way Judy writes about being single and about all of the positive aspects to being one was so helpful and eye opening for me. Give it a try!