damn that cuddle hormone

[im sandra dee]

Last night I told this man that I've being seeing that having sex with him so early on has made me develop some feelings for him and that I want to be friends with him but I have to slow things down when it comes to sex.

 

He responded by saying no problem, he understands and still plans on coming over for dinner one night as we had originally planned prior to this latest development.

 

I think that I've met a good man this time and I really hope we stay friends.

 

But I have to say.... damn that cuddle hormone oxytocin! For days I've been on cloud nine and now I'm starting to experience the feelings that I usually experience the day after my crush is over. Blah.

 

I did the best I could in this situation. I almost didn't tell him and thought about continuing the sexual relationship. But I know what happens when I do that sort of thing, I put pressure on myself to make a man fall in love with me which I know is impossible to do.

 

At least this way the pressure is off and he knows why I can't have sex with him and I'm not playing any games and it's my intent to keep his friendship.

 

I know that I really have no control over what he says or what he does or what he wants or what he feels, but I have 100% control over my thoughts and my behaviour and so I made a choice to preserve the positives that I've experienced with this man even if that's all there is. Wow, I feel so mature right now

 

I just needed to let this out. I'm glad that I can come here and not be judged.

[Fudgie]

Was just about to say, oxytocin is strong stuff. If there's a love potion it would be oxytocin.

 

I'm glad the Guy was understanding.

[im sandra dee]

Was just about to say, oxytocin is strong stuff. If there's a love potion it would be oxytocin.

 

I'm glad the Guy was understanding.

 

You're absolutely right!! Oxytocin is powerful and I've been feeling like I'm in love with this man who I hardly know at all. I've known him less than two weeks!!! OMG

 

I know it's not love, it can't be and even if it were, it terrifies me... I am not ready for love... sex is one thing and I may have given him by body but I won't give my heart so easily because it can be broken... no, I'd prefer to be realistic and hopeful for friendship.

[Batya33]

Why just friendship -why not date, kiss.cuddle, be affectionate and romantic and just wait to have intercourse? That way at least he might consider not looking as hard for women who want to go on dates with him (not for sex I mean dating).

[im sandra dee]

Why just friendship -why not date, kiss.cuddle, be affectionate and romantic and just wait to have intercourse? That way at least he might consider not looking as hard for women who want to go on dates with him (not for sex I mean dating).

 

Thank you Batya, that makes sense!

 

I'll think about it and see if that's what I want. To be honest, I'm confused right now and need a little time to sort through my feelings. Being friends with him at this point is the only thing that I am 100% sure of.

 

When I saw him last night, I told him about my little crush and he said something to me that really stuck in my mind but it's neither here nor there. He is a divorced man and has been divorced for nine years. He had been married for twelve years. Last night he told me that for twelve years while he was married, he never laughed with his wife and they weren't happy. He is happy now. And he told me that he doesn't want that again i.e. to get married. At that point, I had mixed feelings and a few different themes were running through my mind. On the one hand, if I want to get married (and I don't know if I do) then we won't be on the same page. On the other hand, just hearing him mention his previous marriage, I asked myself why is he talking about marriage? I didn't bring it up and it scared me a bit that he did even if to say he doesn't want to re-marry. I guess that I'm not prepared to have conversations like that and would rather keep things simple. Friendship would be simple.

 

At least if we're friends, then there's the option of developing into something more and dating, but I'd rather that he takes the lead. But I totally see your point and I'm going to talk to him about this when I see him if I see him. We're supposed to have dinner together in a couple of days. Maybe by then, I'll have sorted through my feelings and decided what, if anything, I want to say to him on the subject. Past mistakes have taught me not to rush into saying things that I can't take back without giving some thought to the situation.

 

As for his looking for other women to date, he's on the site where we met and there's nothing to stop him from dating other women if he's dating me and I don't know him well enough to decide if I want to be exclusive with him at this point.

[Batya33]

Yes but if you're just friends (and what is simple about friendship -to me a good friend takes lots of time and effort and being self-aware, a good listener - it's worth it of course) then he won't want to see you on date nights because that will be for the ladies who want to date him. And I guess then you'll be fine with him talking about who he's dating ,asking you for a woman's perception of how it's going -does that sound comfortable -because that is what friends do,right? It also gives him the impression that to you dating and sex are the same -so that if/when you're ready to start dating him he'll assume that means you're ready for intercourse. I'd be concerned if I were him about your extreme reaction - I get attached through sex therefore we can't date-or he'll assume it's a gentle way of telling him he just doesn't do it for you.

[im sandra dee]

Hmmm, well I never told him that I don't want to date him because that thought hadn't entered my mind. I'll be sure to be clear about what I want when I talk to him. I am absolutely interested in friendship -- I can handle it At this point, I'd be interested in dating him without having sex. Bring it on, lol. I like having sex with him and I told him that. I'm open to having sex with him again if he develops some feelings for me. I didn't tell him that. I want an emotional connection, I won't force it on him or on myself but I'm open to it if it happens naturally. I didn't tell him that either.

 

Batya, again you're right on the money! I think that telling him that I'm interested in dating is definitely a good idea and of course, waiting to have intercourse! Thanks again for helping me sort through some of this stuff.

[Batya33]

I would be more specific than "develop feelings" -think about the actions you would want him to take to show how he feels -do you want him to stop looking to date other people? See you as a potential marriage partner or long term partner? (I understand he says he does not want to remarry). Or maybe you want to know that he plans to see you a few times a week -more often than now. If he simply says "I am developing feelings for you"that might be true and they could change the next day- but if he shows consistent caring/loving actions over a period of time that's less likely to change and will make you feel a lot more comfortable than "I think I am falling for you" without actions to back that up.

[im sandra dee]

I would be more specific than "develop feelings" -think about the actions you would want him to take to show how he feels -do you want him to stop looking to date other people? See you as a potential marriage partner or long term partner? (I understand he says he does not want to remarry). Or maybe you want to know that he plans to see you a few times a week -more often than now. If he simply says "I am developing feelings for you"that might be true and they could change the next day- but if he shows consistent caring/loving actions over a period of time that's less likely to change and will make you feel a lot more comfortable than "I think I am falling for you" without actions to back that up.

 

Thanks for the input. I think that if he and I were to date without having sex, that would give me a chance to evaluate him as a potential partner.

 

By the way, I've deleted my account from the online dating website because I want to focus on this one guy and see where it goes. I know that's not what some dating experts recommend but after I developed feelings I have a sincere interest in getting to know him and not about to juggle men or keep looking for someone better. I think that no one is perfect and I don't want to be comparing him to another guy. I want to evaluate him as a potential partner and see if he's a good fit for me.

[Batya33]

It sounds like you're willing to take the risk of foregoing opportunities to meet other single guys who could be good matches. When I wasn't yet exclusive with someone I tried never to close off any other options of meeting people and focused on having an open mind since I wanted to get married and knew as I got older that the opportunities would be fewer to meet people. But, sure, it sounds like you know the risks. Of course he is not closing off his options so it will be one sided on your part.

[im sandra dee]

It sounds like you're willing to take the risk of foregoing opportunities to meet other single guys who could be good matches. When I wasn't yet exclusive with someone I tried never to close off any other options of meeting people and focused on having an open mind since I wanted to get married and knew as I got older that the opportunities would be fewer to meet people. But, sure, it sounds like you know the risks. Of course he is not closing off his options so it will be one sided on your part.

 

I'm willing to take the risk but I'm setting a time limit on it. If our relationship doesn't progress further within a specified time, then most likely it never will.

 

Besides he has no idea that I'm not meeting other men or seeing other men. I don't have to be on that site to contact other men that I've chatted with on there.

 

Last week he and I had made plans to get together on Wednesday night. The night before that I had developed a cold so on Wednesday morning I contacted him giving him a heads up that I may need to postpone because I didn't want him catching my cold. He was understanding and said he'd call me later in the day. I didn't hear from him for several hours so I decided to go to my mother's house to have some of her homemade chicken soup because I had a cold. Anyway, when I returned home I discovered that he had called while I was out and left me a message. I played back his message several times because I noticed that his voice sounded kind of shaky compared to another message he had left me a previous day. I couldn't help but analyze why his voice was shaky. Perhaps he was wondering why I wasn't home when we had plans to get together and I had told him that I had a cold. I returned his call and got his voice mail. I left him a message explaining that I had been out having soup at my mom's and that I'm home now so he could call me. About ten minutes later he called me back and his voice wasn't shaky anymore. I can't help but wonder if he was a wee bit jealous that I might have dumped him for another guy. I knew that cancelling our plans that night would have been a risky decision on my part so early on and I didn't want him thinking there may be other guys. That's part of the reason that I wanted off that site so it's not right there in his face. You know, I found myself logging on just to check when he was last logged on which wasn't a productive use of the site. So I decided, that was it. I deleted my account. I can go back later if things don't work out with him.

[im sandra dee]

It sounds like you're willing to take the risk of foregoing opportunities to meet other single guys who could be good matches. When I wasn't yet exclusive with someone I tried never to close off any other options of meeting people and focused on having an open mind since I wanted to get married and knew as I got older that the opportunities would be fewer to meet people. But, sure, it sounds like you know the risks. Of course he is not closing off his options so it will be one sided on your part.

 

Batya, you made another good point that I thought about and reconsidered. I recreated my profile on the dating website. I'm not going to wait and see what happens with this one guy. We just aren't at that point.

 

The last couple of times that I talked to him on the phone, sex really seems to be on his mind. His daily text messages to me are sweet and never say a thing about sex yet on the phone he seems different. I am confused and having a little trouble reconciling who he really is. The sweet guy or the guy you can't stop thinking about sex. Only time will tell what his intentions are towards me. In the meantime I'm at least open to chatting with other interesting men. Thanks again for helping me to sort through some of this stuff.

[im sandra dee]

I forgot to say that when I hear him talking about sex on the phone it reminds me of a man from my past who used to do that and it annoys me because I'm not a piece of meat. Perhaps this is the first red flag I'm seeing re: new guy. Or maybe I'm unfairly comparing the two. I dunno. It's confusing. Good thing to slow down things when it comes to sex.

[im sandra dee]

And there is another thing about new guy that I've been thinking might be an issue for me. I mentioned that he is divorced. Well he has two children and his youngest, 14, stays with him on the weekend. If he is going to spend Friday nights and Saturday nights with his son every week then who am I supposed to go out with? I'm flexible to a point -- I certainly haven't demanded his time but I don't want crumbs, you know. It's not fair.

[Batya33]

And there is another thing about new guy that I've been thinking might be an issue for me. I mentioned that he is divorced. Well he has two children and his youngest' date=' 14, stays with him on the weekend. If he is going to spend Friday nights and Saturday nights with his son every week then who am I supposed to go out with? I'm flexible to a point -- I certainly haven't demanded his time but I don't want crumbs, you know. It's not fair.[/quote']

 

If you want to date this man you have to accept that his son comes first and should. You can see him Sunday night or during the week. It's not "crumbs" because we're talking about his child - a teenager whose parents are not together - he gets the cake because he deserves it far more than a woman his dad is dating.

[im sandra dee]

If you want to date this man you have to accept that his son comes first and should. You can see him Sunday night or during the week. It's not "crumbs" because we're talking about his child - a teenager whose parents are not together - he gets the cake because he deserves it far more than a woman his dad is dating.

 

You're right. I know that and I even said that myself that his son comes first. But I had a selfish moment I guess a little earlier. Last weekend was a test for me to see if I was ok with this. New guy sent me a text on Friday night and one on Saturday night, both nights when he was spending time with his son. And I felt ok with it. I didn't have an issue then. But I couldn't help but wonder down the road what Friday and Saturday nights would be like for me if he were to be my partner. Like would I meet his son and be included in their time together? I dunno. These are the things that I have to figure out for myself.

[Batya33]

If he has his son's best interests at heart he won't let you get involved with his son or let his son get attached to you unless you two are very serious and talking very long term. If you are focused on what kind of social life you will have on weekend nights to this extent a single dad with joint custody might not be the guy for you.

[im sandra dee]

If he has his son's best interests at heart he won't let you get involved with his son or let his son get attached to you unless you two are very serious and talking very long term. If you are focused on what kind of social life you will have on weekend nights to this extent a single dad with joint custody might not be the guy for you.

 

Well I'll just take things one day at a time for now and see how things go with him. Some of this stuff is new territory for me. My relationship with him whether at a casual or serious stage will help me determine what is or isn't in my comfort zone. He's sweet and makes me laugh, so I'm gonna focus on those two things for now. I haven't laughed this much in a long long time.