Opinions please: is rekindling REALLY possible?

[SadStar]

I know that there are varieties of different cases, but I would like to know if any of you have ever rekindled with former lovers (i.e: ex)? More specifically, is it actually possible for the ex's feelings to come back when he/she has said "My feelings changed", or "I don't love you anymore", or somewhere along those lines. Any examples perhaps?

[lady00]

deleted.

[kantore]

Move on man, it is possible, but it is not worth it. Leave then past in the past, and use it as a lesson learned. I just went through it and I can tell you that it was so not worth it. The fact is that we do love and care for each other, but it is too little too late, the trust is gone already. So my advice is leave it be, you are better than that, and they do not deserve your time, not even when you are thinking about them in your head. They have given you the greatest gift, to learn to love someone else. Let it be!!!

[fantasia2004]

Remember why you wanted to rekindle with that person and not because you are lonely or suffering from withdrawal.

[Satch]

It gets annoying when people reply saying "just move on", or "get over it".

The people who say this may well be able to switch of their feelings. But most people cannot.

 

If life were only this simple. I have recently been dumped by my gf. A terribly unpleasant experience, as I did not see it coming. She told me that she did not love me anymore, but didn't know why. That there was nothing in particular that changed her feelings.

 

I'm living in hope that one day my ex will regret her decision, and realise that she still does have feelings for me. I'm trying to work on the notion that it is possible that she will do this, but not probable.

 

I have read many things recently, and I believe it is possible for an ex to find their feelings again. I may take time, and even when they do, it may be too late as you may have moved on.

 

But I don't believe that you should give up all hope if you are not ready to. This is exactly where I am currently at. (approx 1 month since break up)

[SadStar]

I agree with you Satch. Well, those who say "just move on" are simply stronger than us. We do not have the liberty of being that strong, and that's why it hurts, I guess. That's also why people like Blase Harris (author of How to Win Back Your Lover) come to rescue. I realise it's been 2 months since we broke up, and honestly I never really know what happened, since I don't think I did anything wrong.

It's comforting to hear that it's possible for feelings to come back, although each of us may never know whether or not we'll get our exes back. Only time will tell, unfortunately....

[Kittengirl]

It is definitely possible for feelings to return, it all depends on wether you are prepared to lay your heart on the line a second time. I was dumped by my ex for someone he met at work. His reasons for dumping me didn't mention anyone else I found out by snooping.He told me his feelings had changed, that the spark had gone and he didn't think he would ever get it back. Hey presto after 2 months of NC his feelings miraclously returned and he expected to pick up where he left off. I wonder if this other woman turned out to be less than he hoped and he just wanted me on stand by or if his feelings had truly returned. It was too late for us as I have found someone else who is all I ever wanted, but I can't help wondering what his true motives were. He is a malipulating compulsive liar so I tend to think he was hoping for a safety net with me but it kinda backfired on him.

[zpivat]

Well, when I asked if reconciliation is possible for the future, the answer was "I don't know. We'll see. Who knows?"

Sounds confusing? I think it is

[Kittengirl]

But that wasn't a 'no' so I think if there is doubt then there is hope. Good Luck.

[hunterboyhun]

the point here IS the whole trust issue. they may come back but what are you going to feel even if they do, initially you might be grateful to see them again but will it be long before you get to wondering if they could change so suddenly like that once what guarantee is there that they won't a second time, afterall they've already proved that they're able to put their feelings for you aside. sadly the answer is there is no guarantee, you can't ask for one and they won't be able to give one... it would just be another act of faith on your part but always in the back of your head you'd be wondering (or would you... i don't know.... this is what i'm turning over in my head these days) would this person hurt me again?

 

it might manifest in little ways. for instance you might not take their hand so readily when they go to hold yours, you might not be all there in the moment when kissing them, or when they say loving things to you you might question the truth or reliability of those words in your head. that's not the relationship you had before the breakup.

 

i really don't mean to put a depressing spin on it, honestly, i personally am

dying here, and would love to see her back, see her back as the person i remember - the person i fell in love with. but i'm wondering more and more these days (1 month after breakup and attempted NC with a few lapses) what she could possibly say that would give me back that trust.

 

here's a question... do we 'dive off the cliff', make that leap of faith for them and just trust again, risk the heartache almost as proof of our love for them OR do we look out for ourselves and think twice about the possibility of being a doormat for the second time?

 

love to all.

[Satch]

You raise some good points Hunterboyhun.

 

I'm 6 weeks out from my gf dumping me for little reason other than she fell out of love with me but doesn't know why.

 

I would take her back in a heartbeat, and I am feeling the same pain as you. It really, really hurts.

 

It would be really hard to trust the return of your ex. Every little sign from her like going quiet on you or not being receptive to something would probably do your head in for a while. All things that I am thinking about if I was ever to get another chance. But I am too deeply in love with her at the moment to even consider saying no. Sad I know.

 

I know that if I do get a second chance, I will want to talk to her and make sure she wants me back for the right reasons. I'd also insist on professional help in the form of relationship counselling. The trust would have to be rebuilt.

 

But this is all but a dream to me at the moment...

[hunterboyhun]

thanks satch, actually i kinda recognise your name from some other posts i've read and i remember thinking your situation sounded similar to mine (heh though don't they all here) but i can't remember exactly why i made a point of noting your name.

 

here's a thing.

 

after much thinking and going through the whole 5 stages of grieving a number of times what some people have said on these threads has made me realise something

 

i'm 30 my gf is 20 (i know, age gap, what did i expect right?) and her main reason for the breakup is to just be wild and have fun, enjoy being 20 - basically sow her wild oats so that it doesn't come up as a regret of things she didn't do when she is older. I can see the sense in that, it's fair, in a way i am even kind of pleased because it shows that she has considered a point in the future where she will settle down (and settle down with someone) and she is preparing to be at the right point in her life when that time comes. So I get that. I would hate for her to get to a point down the track having tried to settle with me only to feel that something had been missed out in her life. Maybe she has even forseen that possibility with us in particular and is trying to preempt that.

 

However none of that makes this any easier. I know that at least in the early days she had a little crush on some other guy. I know she's been doing uncharacteristic things, being wild and there are so many reasons i don't like it. I know there's no way i can come off not sounding selfish here but here goes... despite the logical reasons for what she is doing, despite the positive and strengthening effect it could have on our relationship in the long term (assuming we get back together) i can't help but:

1. notice her absense in my life at almost every point in the day (especially at night and in morning) 2. wish that i could be sharing these new fun times with her 3. worry that i won't recognise her if she came back - you know, because there would be so many times and things we hadn't shared 4. worry if she'd be changed or i'd be changed by then 5. wonder about the whole trust thing and whether this damage to the relationship is irreparable (because she did/is hurt/ing me, she made a decision to do this in a way that she knew would hurt me, she was so abrupt and sudden in her decision) 6. be afraid that it will just keep going and we never get back, her oat sowing finished she finds someone else.

 

so there you go, i guess i just wanted to vent, i know i should have faith in her and see that what she is doing is not only fair and cool and normal but possibly the best thing she could ever do for us BUT it is so damn hard, i miss her and get crazy memories haunting me all the time of mad stuff we did together. and i guess most of all i am afraid that i will never see her again, the person i fell in love with.

 

despite this doorstop of a post i hate sounding like a 'whiney b1tch' (swingers) but something about missing someone you care so much about does this to you.

 

thanks for listening.

[Satch]

Mate, this is uncanny.

 

I was 30 when I met my gf, and she was 20. I am now 33 and she is 23 next month. We had such a great time together over the last 2.5 years. Best years of my life.

 

She turned around to me 6 weeks ago and said she no longer loved me, but did not know why. She felt as if she had grown apart from me, despite the fact that we did almost everything together. I suppose she was my shadow at times...

 

I too am taking this very hard. She was more mature than 23, and I do not feel like a 33 year old, meaning that we met each other at a closer point mental age wise.

 

Everything I have and see reminds me of her. Her strands of hair are all over my apartment, and it drives me insane everytime I find one. I cannot stop thinking about her, and it is affecting my work. I still have trouble sleeping at night (mornings and nights are my hardest time too).

 

It is almost unbearable at times. I feel that my ex is really confused, and once she untangles this confusion, she might find me in the middle. I can only hope.

 

PM me at some stage, and let me know your email address. I'd me interested to compare notes further.

 

Take care.

[cruuk]

Wow, I have to keep an eye on this thread. The similarities to my situation are staggering.

 

Same exact kind of thing, except were only 3 years apart. Other than that our whole 3 year relationship shes beenn in university and never been able to let loose. Now school just ended and our whole relationship turned on its ear.

 

I feel the exact same things you guys do.. Im glad she wants to have fun for a while, i want her to be able to experience life. At the same time it hurts not to share those experiences with her, and I wonder every day if she will even want little old me when some of this passes.

 

I definitely wan't to keep hearing about your progress.

[a_little_sparrow]

hunterboyhum,

 

One thing you talk about is this fear of trusting your ex if she comes back. I think you're right. All of us, or most of us, would jump the Pacific Ocean right now if our ex came back, but then there's always the insecurity that's there. Some of the things I've read on this site have shown me that IF there's another chance at the relationship, it has to be done thinking of it as something new. It's not going to fall immediately into the position it was three weeks or two weeks before the breakup, just because it can't. Trust needs to be built, and familiarity. You two will need to get to know each other again. Of course, there is a leg up on this as it's already been proven there's a bond between the two people, it just has to be restyled to meet the new relationship.

 

This is one of the main reasons I feel nc is good, and why the healing during nc is so important. The old relationship needs to be put away and laid to rest. Not forgotten, only understood as a wonderful time that happened. And, yes, learned from as well. Everyone here has something they can learn from the old relationship. It's not ALL the ex's fault there was a breakup, usually there's something that we did along the way that helped to make their decision just a little easier.

 

But we need to learn to let go of that past if we expect to have a bright future. Yes, I hope that my bright future includes my ex, I hope that so intensely at times it hurts. But I need to be prepared for her not coming back as well. I need to disentangle myself from the desperate kind of hope and love that wants things to snap back to that previous time. It's not going to happen. If things do happen again, it needs to be a fresh start where both of us are learning to trust and get along with each other. Where things even have that new glow to them, though the newness will have the slight touch of the familiar because of the love that was there.

 

I guess what I'm saying, and it's advice I need to take to heart as much as anyone, is that no contact/healing time needs to be spent improving ourselves for ANY future relationship, not just the one with the ex. If it's with that person then it's great, but it's not the only reason we're trying to improve ourselves.

[freaking out]

Is there anyone here that can actually offer a sucsess story? We all hope or know in our hearts is possible one day with time, but an actual story of it happening would help!!!

[a_little_sparrow]

freaking out,

 

I've often had the same question, as it's all just so discouraging. Here's one of the posts that came up just recently:

 

link removed

 

And then there's the ex boyfriend/girlfriend forum that may have some more "success stories." Generally though it seems that there may be any number of other ex's that get together, but the people are having so much fun with the ex they decide not to come here to let us know they got back.

 

Or they just moved on.

[zpivat]

When my ex broke up with me, she said something like "Why is destiny so cruel???"

I mean...gimme a break, she was THE ONE who broke up with me, so I was the one who's supposed to say that!!! Destiny was NOT cruel to her. SHE decided the breakup and she thought destiny was cruel?? What on earth?!?! How strange?!?!?

 

Anyways...nice story, sparrow. Wish we all could have such a nice ending....

[jmh1216]

If it happens, I'll be sure to come back here and let you all know.

[DrNick]

Going out with someone in their early 20's, especially when you're in your late 20's/early 30's, will always be difficult, because during your early 20's you just want to have fun, not settle down. So while the initial stage of the relationship is all fun and games, once the initial excitement wears off, you realise that you both want very different things.

 

On the original thread, I think that there are a lot of success stories, but whether you will succeed depends a lot on why there was a break up to begin. If it is because the relationship has gone stale, because you're both taking each other for granted, then I think it can be fixed. If it's a trust issue (ie. you cheated/lied), then it can sometimes be fixed, as long as the person who cheated/lied is prepared to own up to their mistake, and the other person is mature enough to forgive them. It calls for a lot of humility on both sides. If it's basic incompatibility (ie. you both want different things in life) then you should really question why you want the other person back. I think a lot of people who break up and come on this site fall under the "incompatibility" heading, so of course, we're not going to see a lot of happy reunions. Just my 2 cents

[k33]

As a girl going through the same thing. Separated, nc, contact, going well, not sure what is going on, do I want him, do I not want him... UGH!I have to say it is super nice for me to see a bunch of guys that feel this way about their girl. Gives me hope!

 

I have to agreed with Dr. Nick. But I also agree with the guys. I would do anything to get him back. I miss him so much at morning/at night when something funny happens in my life, when something tragic happens, when a song we both like comes on the radio, when I need a hug, etc. (I miss the nooky too... I won't lie to you all)

 

I guess we all have to play it cool and see what happens. I want the relationship to change. I want it to be stronger... I dont' want to fall back in the same pattterns, because I will be back on this board in two months going "what happened?" But I also know I can't do it alone, he has to want to be with me too. That's the hardedst part.

 

I'm rambling and I have had a couple of glasses of wine....Like you do.

[angelsgal]

fear of trusting your ex if she comes back. I think you're right. All of us, or most of us, would jump the Pacific Ocean right now if our ex came back, but then there's always the insecurity that's there. Some of the things I've read on this site have shown me that IF there's another chance at the relationship, it has to be done thinking of it as something new. It's not going to fall immediately into the position it was three weeks or two weeks before the breakup, just because it can't. Trust needs to be built.

 

Excellent points, Sparrow!

 

I've been doing a lot of reading on the "getting back together" boards since meeting with my ex-BF for the first time after 4 weeks of NC and one of the thoughts that I'm wrestling with is if he does want to get back together, what is going to stop him from breaking my heart again? He will have to work hard at regaining my trust and as much as I still love him, it would be easier to just move on to a new relationship.....less work too! But you have to determine if you love them enough to work at building a new relationship with them and know in your heart, mind, body, and soul that THEY are willing to work at it too. All the effort cannot come from one person.....otherwise, you'll just be going through another breakup all over again.

[zpivat]

Well, unlike others who broke up because of issues they have, it happened to me because of her aunt's opposition. Things were fine with us until the aunt interrupted *SIGH* and from that, one thing led to another, like a chain reaction, and now it LOOKS LIKE as if we had issues between us, which we didn't *grrrr*