freaking out

guess it depends on how much you love them, and how much you ever loved them. If its the real deal, no amount of pain, drama and suffering is going to stop you wanting them back in your life. You have to realise the distinction between wanting to go back and starting afresh. I dont want to go back - I am not the same person anymore and dont want to be that idiot that let the best thing he ever had slip though his fingers. I want to start a new relationship, one that will be so much stronger and real than before, having faced all our problems and overcome them.

She will sleep with him - I have told her how important sex is to me, how I see it as very emotional, not physical. But she doesnt see it as a big deal - not compared to the cuddling, kissing and intamacy she has already shared with him. So the damage in that respect is already done for me, and it hurts like hell. Living together for that long as frineds was odd - it was very grey as to wether we were together or not. She jumped on me only 3 months ago - I dont see how she can do that if it was just friends.... I basically have to leave her to do what she wants now and try to deal with the loss and get on with things. She wont stop seeing him, even though she has no idea if its ever going to be serious or if it will last or stack up against our history. She says its just something she has to do. She is just riding the wave of a new infatuation and that can be a powerful thing and override any deeper feelings of love for me. She says she loves me (but is not in love with me. But by the same token doesnt know if she may be underneath it all or can be again one day), has no idea what the future holds and refuses to put out the little light of hope for us to be together again one day. So that just leaves me alone, dealing with the loss and nurturing my hope. Just have to wait it out now, try to be her friend and hope this relationship (with someone she says she has nothing in common with, has friends she has nothing in common with, is not someone she ever thought she could be with and only seems to be seeing out of a desire to see what happens and to explore herself) wont last. A sucky situation all round, but one that I will just have to live with. How bad is it when you love someone so much, you are able to let them be with someone else if thats what they want? Just dealing with it one day at a time and finding stuff to do to try to build some sort of life for myself away from her. She wont want to come back to a pathetic dribbling mess clinging on to her! Its bloody ridiculous - I have to let go if I'm ever to get her back.

Broke up with the love of my life 3 years ago, though we still lived together for much of that. We tried to be friends, though my heart really wasnt in it. Tried for a long time to convince myself I wasnt in love with her, and succeeded for a while. unfortunately she believed me and moved on (I think) . She has now started a new relationship and I lost it. I now know she is the one, and I have always loved her - trying to deny it only made it stronger. I told her all this and how much she means to me and what I need and hoping like hell that she still loves me. It was all a bit much and she wanted to get away from me for a while, as I had a major emotional breakdown and she has to deal with the fact that I really want her back and always loved her when she thought we just best friends. But she wont stop the new man to stop and assess her feelings. She tells me she may still love me, but she doesnt know yet and refuses to tell me that there is no hope. I know she has slept in his bed 5 times, and they have not had sex yet. Dont know why - maybe its because she is scared to make that step and lose me? I do know the day she does, is the day when it will be really hard for me to go back - or at least its going to take a long time to forgive her. How can she think that seeing this new guy will help her sort her feelings for me out!!??? If she has any love for me, she would step away from us both for while and think about it.We started NC for as long as she wants 3 days ago, and she went to him that night - am freaking out about what may have happened - hopefully she realised that she cant lose me.

I guess I havent asked any questions here, but any comments people may have as to wether I am on the right path and if there is any hope would help!! What I really need are some tools for dealing with the present, and for working towards the future I know is right.

Well, its been a couple of weeks now, and we are beginning a week of NC. I moved out last Friday into a new house. We spent the day together yesterday, getting the last bits organised for my new house, and she helped me again setting up, and cleaning up. She was very firm with me that she didnt want to discuss us or the new boyfriend, and I only lost it a little bit once! But she did hug me and give me a kiss and generally let me know that really does care about me. I did lose it big time when she went out with him friday night and didnt come home like she said she was going to. But she said she got sick from something they ate and his house was closest. But she never liked to be around even me when she was ill and always said she needed her own bathroom, so it bothers me that she feels so comfortable with this guy that she could be that vulnerable around him... When I popped around on saturday morning to get things, like she knew I was going to, and found her bed empty, it hurt a whole lot!!! But she is struggling herself, and really needs this week to look at herself which I havnt let her do lately. She knows in huge detail how I feel about her, and I have tried to explain far too much about what I think I did to her and myself these last 3 years and how in my heart i never let go. She will need to absorb this and see how she feels about it. She also really needs me to be together in myself and happy with me. This is goin to be REALLY HARD knowing she is with someone else, but I hope I can deal with it and continue tobe her friend. But I suspect that if she stays with this guy for more than a few months, I am going to have leave her be completely (but I will never stop loving her, and I will always be here for when she comes home) for my own sanity, which scares the hell out of me! But I also see quite clearly why she needs to continue that relationship to see where it goes and what it can teach her about herself and how she feels about me. She cant just drop her life that she has building in my absense because I had a sudden awakening and want everything back overnight!! I do feel for this guy, and I hope he doesnt get hurt too badly when she comes back to me - he is a bit of an innocent bystander. But I know if I was him I would back off and let her sort herself out first, if only to avoid hurt myself. But then again, its not his call, its hers. But I do owe him a lot - he was the kick that woke me up. Got a new flatmate last night (a girl about the same age as the ex and with the same name - I'm sure Freude would have a field day with that one! It will be weird calling the flatmate my loves name, but hopefully it will stop my heart crunching every time I hear or think the name...), so at least I will have someone in the house which will hopefully mitigate the all consuming loneliness I am feeling. So now do deal with this week. It will be REALLY hard to not contact her, and to be waiting for her call or email to see how I am. I so hope she gains something from the space - she needs it and I hope she finds the first little spark remainingof our love and she decides to nurture it. It wont take a week to fix, but I hope the first little step can be made.

Any advice would be welcome on how to cope with her going out with someone else, and if I am being completely dillusional in hoping to have her again. I guess rebuilding the friendship and learning about her again (have realised I havnt known what she has been really feeling and wanting from life for a long time) is the first step.

Isnt it strange how the opinions of strangers can help? Anyway, here is my sorry little tale. 8 years ago, I met the love of my life at university. We had both just come out of a period of depression, and we gave each other great strength and happiness for about 3 years. I really miss those times, being happy with ourselves and each other, living together. We traveled around Europe for 6 months together and had the most amazing time. But when we got home and got another house together, starting looking for work etc, I started to get it into my head that I was missing something, and pushed her away. In hindsight, it was my depression that came back, and the glass bubble that goes up around you when youre depressed had blocked her out. She tried to get in for well over a year, but had to give up for own sake. Nearly 3 years ago now, she said we should break up and I agreed. We continued to live together for another year, and then I got a job in the country. Rather than be on her own, she came with me, and we agreed to live as friends in separate rooms. But I had my "new" life, starting going out without her, took up smoking again and thought this was what I had missed out on and really starting treating her like crap as she didn't want to be a part of that (don't blame her – I was acting like a s**thead) and she left to stay with my grandmother for nearly a year (they were always great friends – my family continues to this day to be more of a family to her then hers!) I continued my stupid ways, but we still talked at least several times a week. I once kissed a girl a year ago, and it felt so wrong and I really regretted it – felt like cheating but I didn't know why at the time. Haven't looked at anyone else since. She started seeing someone about 10 months ago, just because he was there basically and she was affection starved (she is a very cuddly person and I was too stupid to see it or want to give that to her). It didn't last, but it made me SO jealous. I knew it was wrong to feel jealous and she just thought it was me not wanting her to be with someone else but not wanting her myself. In hindsight, I should have realized then, but was too scared to admit to myself that I loved her and wanted her. I went away interstate for 4 months, had a crap time and talked to her very often. God, how I missed her then. I came back and moved in with her again as I had nowhere to stay, and shared her bed for 7 months, but as "friends". We made love a couple of times, but I had to convince her it was as friends, even though I knew in my heart I didn't think of it like that. Now she has a new boyfriend of a month, and I lost it. All my love for her that I now know has been building up unexpressed for 3 years has hit me at once. I have seen that I have been depressed for 3 years, and I let it come between us. She tried to get in, but couldn't and moved on. I have had a nervous breakdown, and am seeing counseling to try to resolve things a little. I am now moving house, starting again, trying to get her back, trying to cope with the image of seeing them kiss (he was there when I came home early from work one day, and like an idiot I watched out the window as she saw him off - she did apologise for that though) and trying to rebuild my life. She has told me she loves me ( and I know she does), and has spent this week helping me set up my new house, and making sure I'm OK. She will always be around as a friend at least, and I am grateful for that. I will try to cope with friends for now, but I know in my heart that I will always be wanting her back. She has never said that there is no chance of her coming back, but she wants to continue this new relationship, even to just see where it goes. She has said even if this guy wasn't around, she wouldn't come back yet as I have to heal from my depression and she needs me to be happy in myself first – fair enough I guess, but I would be so happy if she came back!!!!! She is a stubborn minded type, who would not admit the glimmers of hope I think I may have seen this week we had together to herself, let alone me! She will continue that relationship due to it being the "right" thing to do even if she is having doubts - she will want to explore that relationship on its own merits, and wont let me come into the equation, and will treat me the same. Wish I could separate things like that..... But new guy is waiting in the wings (he is been very understanding, knows what its like to go through a hard breakup, understands why she is concerned about me and wants to help me in this hard time and misses her etc, but isn't seeing me as a threat - ARGGHHH I want to kill him - cant he be jealous like a normal person and not be smug in the knowledge that she wants to go out with him, and not me!!!!??) I hope and pray there is a hope, and I think there is, but it will be in time, and after she has decided this new guy is not what she wants –a decision she will make without any thought of me (at least that's the theory – I hope missing me makes some impact on it!!) I am so happy to have her in my heart, and to know that she will always be in life, and I know she will always be my best friend. I just want a chance to make up for the last 3 missed years and make her happy for the rest of her life.

Is there anyone here that can actually offer a sucsess story? We all hope or know in our hearts is possible one day with time, but an actual story of it happening would help!!!

I will not believe that she has gone forever. She has told me herself that doesnt know what she wants, from me or him. I WILL show her the man she fell in love with and with time I WILL let her see that what we had is not worth giving up on, even after all this time. I know its still there. She took a long time to open herself to me and let me know her innermost feelings, and it was a big step for her and I abused that. I believe that if she was able to do that, it wouldnt have gone away forever.

I had a wonderful relationship with the love of my life, but 3 years ago for some stupid reason I got it into my head that I was missing something and pushed her away to look for it. It hurt her terribly and she eventually fell out of love with me over time. We have always remained very close and see each other all the time, and I convinced myself I was OK with friends. She unfortunately believed my delusion and pushed her love away as self preservation. And now she is seeing a new guy. This has killed me, and I now realise that I was extremly stupid and I cant stand knowing she has stopped loving me and its all my fault. I need to believe she hid her love for me from herself and she can find it again, and I hope this new guy will help her realise that. I am handling it badly, and am going to seek counsling at her request. I almost turned into a stalker, but I know if I love her and want her to be around, she must be free to make her own desicion and have her space. I know she cannot look at her love for objectivly with me like this, so I will rebuild my life and hope this new boyfriend only shows her that she does love me. She has promised me that she does love me (we have 8 years of closeness - that doesnt go away in a hurry) and will remain open to regaining her love for me. But she will not stop seeing this new guy of 1 month in order to give it a chance, which hurts me a lot. I just have to hope and pray and wait and show her I am the man she fell in love with.