No longer want to get back together with Ex

[AmericanHuney]

ha! I wish I was there to High Five You! That is so Awesome! I don't think it was rude at all, it was truthful and you needed to say that, I mean she depends on you for support waaayyy too much. haha I'm so proud of you! Of course she called, she is curious about you!!!! You rock, I'm so happy for you, this calls for a 'victory dance'! lol

[AmericanHuney]

And now I get the guilt trip text: "Sorry for calling the friend that was helping me get this job, my bad."

Reply: "I understand. Things are different now though. I just think that since you give him all the good stuff like going out, romance, etc., that he should also give you support when you need it. I'm off for a hike, good luck

 

Oh and there she goes with the typical Guild Trip blah blah. She should do something that's not predictable, love your response btw! Another 'victory dance'! lol

 

Geez, she sounds like a headache when she's upset, I don't like pouty women.

[30yrold]

Thanks Huney. Her response to me last text was "Ya ok, I see...have fun and drink plenty of water." I think it is sinking in that there are boundaries that I won't breech while she is dating someone. I could tell from her voice and her actions she is staring to miss me quite a bit. We used to talk about everything, and I would usually comfort or reassure her. She now knows that I am not available for that.

 

I'm on my way out to a friend's birthday celebration in my new clothes, looking quite swanky if I may say so. I am also meeting a girl at the brewery where the celebration is being help. It is kind of a date, but very casual since there will be others in our party. I think tonight will be grand, and I am ready to shine!

[The_Seeker]

I just finished reading your thread! You're an inspiration!

 

LOL You're definitely giving me ideas what to do on the 19th and what to say to my ex if he ever decides to reconcile.

 

Btw, AmericanHuney, you're always giving good advices!

[30yrold]

well dammit. yesterday was grand and I had a nice time at the bday party, BUT...today I am working alone and thinking of her. I know what I said yesterday hurt her, and i feel guilty. I know it was the right thing to say. I can also imagine her delicate face filled with sadness, and that is not easy for me. I know the road ahead is long, and I miss her dearly.

[30yrold]

Well tonight she has sent me two text messages about our upcoming class. The first was to ask if I wanted to carpool, the second was asking what the address was. I have ignored them so far, and will continue to tonight. I think tomorrow morning I will reply by saying that I am not home, and the address is on my computer. I am sure she is wondering what the hell I am up to tonight (I know she is with her new BF since they have been spending weekends together), and when I reply tomorrow, I know she will wonder * * * I have been up to.

[AmericanHuney]

Well tonight she has sent me two text messages about our upcoming class. The first was to ask if I wanted to carpool, the second was asking what the address was. I have ignored them so far, and will continue to tonight. I think tomorrow morning I will reply by saying that I am not home, and the address is on my computer. I am sure she is wondering what the hell I am up to tonight (I know she is with her new BF since they have been spending weekends together), and when I reply tomorrow, I know she will wonder * * * I have been up to.

 

I think you're not doing anything wrong here, you are actually doing her a favor and helping her to be independent (if anything independent from you) which will only help her in the long run. If you continue to hold her hand on everything, she'll never be able to take care of herself and she'll always rely on you. You have to understand and so does she, your relationship with her is over and she needs to start taking care of herself and maybe even make some friends. She's relying on you way too much in my opinion and needs to go to her bf when she has an issue, personally I think he must not be a good guy if she still runs to you for stuff and she's making that obvious by still relying on you. Don't feel bummed about anything, you've helped her apply for a job! That's more than most people ever do.

[30yrold]

That is exactly my thought. If he wasn't in the picture, things would be completely different. But I won't be available to her as an emotional blanky while he gets to gets to go out and party with her and then phuck her. Sorry, I'm not that guy.

 

As far as he is concerned, I don't know much about him and don't want to. I don't think he is a bad person, but I KNOW how insightful and supportive I can be so I can't blame her for turning my way. She just needs to see that all of those things from me are not available any longer.

 

I think he is foolish for jumping into a relationship with someone so soon after her break up, so he must either be inexperienced or desperate. He also knows that she is in contact with me regularly. If I was with someone who was fresh from a break up, and was still in contact with the ex, I would step back without question.

 

Today kind of sucked, as I went to visit a close friend who has lung cancer. He is down to 100lbs now and is a skeleton. Emotionally, I am feeling very strained with the break up, my friend dying, and my break down with my mom. I am trying to take good care of myself and am eating much better now. However, nights are the worst for me.

 

I have trouble staying asleep and will wake up every hour or two, sometimes sweaty and breathing hard as if scared. I will also wake up in the morning, and reach out for someone who isn't there. That's no fun.

 

One day at a time, and keep my chin up.

[AmericanHuney]

To be honest, if she doesn't see you're a good guy for doing all that you've done for her this far after all you two have been through, then it's probably the best idea for her to live without you for a while at least. She has to grow into her own and do things without the help of another.

 

And I agree with the fact that if I started dating a guy who had contact with his ex still that would bother me and I wouldn't be exclusive with him, maybe just friends if that. I like to date people who are strong and can move on from the past, not dwell and carry it out.

 

I'm sorry to hear of your friend, and you seem to be going through a lot right now. Which is all the reason why to be distant from her right now. Becuase youre not going to make clear decisions on such an emotional state and it seems right now you need to take some time for yourself and figure this out on your own because you can get through this and you will. The beginning is always the worst and when you go through life trials single it can be even more depressing but I know I'd rather be single than with someone who is controlling, codependent, verbally abusive, self absorbed, etc. (not to say your ex is any of these things, but many ex's can be). I guess I'd rather be single, than with any of the above.

 

It seems when break ups happen everyone starts to notice the bad things more, but you can't do that. You have to know that life is tough but you will get through it. You really don't have a choice if you think about it becuase the days will still come and end and the routine will start all over again. So take hold of it and make what you want out of it.

[30yrold]

Hi Huney,

Thanks for the kind words again. My mindset right now is that I have responsibilities that I need to take care of that are more important than thinking about her and her welfare. She is struggling very badly financially right now. We have a family line for our cell phones and she has not paid her portion in over a month, and I know her student loans, and other bills are also unpaid. I stuck by her through so much, and yes, I was closed off emotionally because of the circumstances and my own walls, but you would think that she would have stood by me too after everything we went through together. This is why I can't help her anymore, because she pushed me away when I stood steady at her side.

 

I know she is going to fail, and won't be able to pay her own way, even with this new job. The math just doesn't compute. She wanted independence and to prove to herself that she can do it on her own, but she can't. It's very sad for her, but she had an opportunity with me to work through things as a team. I sold a lot of my stuff to keep us comfortable when we were together, and to provide for her kids since she didn't want to claim child support.

 

I do miss her friendship very much. We used to talk about a lot, and it was such a relief to have someone to come home to and talk with. I think I just miss being close with someone, not necessarily her, after all that has transpired.

 

The irony in the situation is that my friend who is dying right now has left me as his heir, and in the next year or so ( I will have two houses and plenty of assets. While I DO NOT relish the idea of losing my friend, the reality is that he has done a great thing for me that will allow me to not ever have to worry about finances as long as I am smart.

 

Essentially, all of the problems that she and I had have disappeared or will disappear in the near future. All that remains are the hurt that we caused each other, which is a larger barrier than anything else.

 

I just feel incredibly alone. The friend that is sick right now had been a rock for me for the last decade. We have supported each other through thick and thin. His mother passed about eight years ago, and even though he is forty years my senior, I always made time to check in on him and visit. He has seen me go through many break ups, and has always been there to help me when I was weak.

 

My mother has shown that even though I reached out to her and brought up our past, she is not really willing to see me differently, or to work on a better relationship. I invited her along to go visit my friend thinking it would be a way for her to see part of my life, and for us to be able to bond on the two hour drive. Things went ok, and we talked about a few things briefly during the drive. Then when we got back into town, she asked me to fill up her gas tank. I was so shocked that I just did it quietly. After everything, she was concerned about a tank of gas. Now mind you, I am struggling in college (again), and she owns three houses, two timeshares, and two late model BMWs. That really stung me. The fact that she couldn't let $40 slide for the comfort of her only child hurt me deeply. But what to do about a mother? NC? I don't even know where to begin.

 

I am doing my best to stay grounded, and also to work through my feelings so they are not pushed back in my mind, left to form walls. I have to say though, it is a sonuvabich trying to be your own anchor with nothing to chain to emotionally.

 

I think it is good for me to get out and date, but at the same time, I am also not sure I am ready to be sincere with someone. I certainly don't want to hurt anyone, as I have done more than my share of that in the past.

[30yrold]

Got another girl's contact info today. My confidence is at about 80% right now, and growing daily. That feels terrific!

 

Tomorrow I meet my former gf to carpool to our training class. I am really comfortable and happy to be able to see her. I don't feel sad or needy at all. I think I have accepted things as they are, and am able to move forward with my life.

 

 

[30yrold]

Training class went well. On the ride to the class my former gf told me she and her rebound had broken up. I told her I was sorry to hear that since she was happy with him. I guess the guy told her he loved her on their second date and was clingy/controlling.

 

I changed the subject and we just chatted. After class we had tea at starbucks and had a good conversation. We talked about my dog (whom she is very fond of). I told her how he is feeling much better after his bout with valley fever and must have looked very proud of him. She said that it was great to see me talk about him with a sparkle in my eye again, and that it looked and sounded like the old me.

 

I think some time alone for her will be a good thing, and after a while maybe a good friendship can form between us. She needs to be independent and sort out all of the recent events in her own head, and has finally realized that she can't just run into another's arms and everything will just melt away.

 

I think this will be my last post here for a long time since I don't want her back anymore.

 

Although I am healing, I am doing much much better, and life is beginning to take shape again.

[bungalo]

Not to be a smart ass or anything..why did you post this in the Getting Back Together Forum and not the Healing Forum????