No longer want to get back together with Ex

[30yrold]

A little over two months after the break up, I no longer desire to reconcile with my ex. I realize I have some work to do on me, and it is going to take a little time before I am ready for anyone.

 

I was the dumper because she lied to me, but in retrospect and after talking with her post break up, I realize that I pushed her to run from me. I'm not excusing the lying, but I know see my own mistakes in the relationship.

 

Right now I am in a strange place. I have come to see that I had some demons from the past regarding my mom that had been holding me back. I had a long talk with my mom the other night, and felt completely exhausted after the conversation. Then strangely, I woke up the next morning and felt better about my break up, and my mom. I didn't feel so crushed with emotion, and things were suddenly manageable.

 

Things I learned about me in my last relationship (too late to fix in time, of course):

 

Telling someone you love them is not the same as showing it. I had never been a stereotypical male who doesn't express emotion, but somehow I became that in the last few years. Early on in our relationship before I told me ex I loved her, she said I was hard to read and she felt like I was a robot programmed to do nice things, but it was hard for her to FEEL my affection. We wound up laughing it off as her over reacting and PMSing. It still bothered her from time to time throughout our relationship, particularly at the end. She was afraid to bring it up again because the first time she did, I was unwilling to look at myself. That is going to change. No, that is changing.

 

I am too prideful. I have such a supreme confidence in my intelligence and analytical skills that I push my ideas on others, and belittle theirs. This is the most disturbing part of my new self awareness. I learned that to help people is not to protect them from making bad decisions, but to hold their hand so if they fall I can catch them. This is going to be the most difficult change for me. I will have to learn to let others make mistakes, without getting upset about it, and just realize that everyone has a right to their own path in life. Sometimes the best decision is not the "right" decision, or even if it is, it may not be time yet.

 

When I don't feel good about my body, I go into a shell and shut people out. I was starting to get heavier than I was comfortable with. I was ashamed for my ex to see me naked sometimes, even when I KNEW that it didn't bother her. In fact, she seemed to like my belly, and her hand would often find its way there. Because of my shame, my sex drive diminished, and I was also very private about changing or showering. She felt like I was pushing her away and didn't understand why. Dumb. I should have just told her what was going on in my head, and most likely she would have reassured me and I would have been over it.

 

As of now, my ex and I have been communicating fairly regularly with me contacting her 60-70% of the time. She is dating someone and is very happy with him right now. She is able to date him without the pressures she and I had in our relationship because she has her own place now (she was living with me, and it was too fast, especially with her kids). Her brother now babysits for her frequently so she can have time alone with her new bf, which she and I rarely had. He makes her feel special and she deserves that.

 

She has also FINALLY realized that the ex before me is a toxic person who abused her and will abuse the children if he hasn't already. We fought about this so many times, and I would be so upset that she would try to maintain a friendship with that jerk. If I would have just supported her and given her time, she would have come to the same conclusion on her own, and now she has. When she told me that she should have listened to me a long time ago, I simply said "That doesn't matter now. All that matters is that you separate you and the boys from him to better your own lives." WOW! I was proud of myself for not being the least bit bitter, and kept any kind of "I told you so" statements from entering my mind. Good job me!

 

I'm not completely over her, but I am in a position where I know it is best for both of us to not be together. I want her to be happy, and right now, she is.

 

What I would like to do is provide her with a friendship that is genuine. She has few if any friends since her last ex before me was controlling and kept her in his house with their kids all day for three years and never allowed her to socialize. She has told me after we broke up during some heart felt conversations, that she feels like men only like her because of what she can provide (sex, attraction, etc.). I want to show her that she is worth so much more than that by giving her my friendship without expectation or intimacy. I want her to know that she has more to offer than her exterior.

 

I will continue to work on me, and to get over her. When I am strong enough and ready, I will pursue a meaningful friendship with her. For now, I need to focus on doing good things for myself, and just keep in LC with her so she doesn't feel like I abandoned her. We have both agreed that there is a bond between us that is to special to give up. However, I do realize that my presence may cause problems between her and her new boyfriend, so if I sense any of that I will take a step back so as not to interfere.

 

The last few days have been so taxing emotionally on me, but I am making REAL, SOLID, and noticeable progress. I have also lost 25 pounds, and just this morning an attractive woman smiled at me and said "hi." That felt tremendous! My confidence is slowly returning, and although some days might not be as good as today I can see a trend of healing.

[guynextdoor]

Its good to see you are making some changes in your life and also your outlook on life. Congrats on the weight loss!

[AmericanHuney]

I have such a supreme confidence in my intelligence and analytical skills that I push my ideas on others, and belittle theirs.

 

I think the fact that you acknowledge these things is so mature and wise of you! You seem to be doing so well already! I'm happy that you are seeing you don't need someone to make you happy Don't lose too much weight! Some women like that husky look, wink wink lol

[30yrold]

I think the fact that you acknowledge these things is so mature and wise of you! You seem to be doing so well already! I'm happy that you are seeing you don't need someone to make you happy Don't lose too much weight! Some women like that husky look, wink wink lol[/b]

 

Oh, I know that is true, BUT, I will confidently say that a thin man who loves himself and his own body is ten times sexier than a husky man who is ashamed of his body! And besides, I am lifting weights which enhances my already naturally muscular physique stand out, wink wink

 

Besides, there is always time to plump up later, it's not like I hate eating or anything!

[AmericanHuney]

Oh, I know that is true, BUT, I will confidently say that a thin man who loves himself and his own body is ten times sexier than a husky man who is ashamed of his body! And besides, I am lifting weights which enhances my already naturally muscular physique stand out, wink wink

 

Besides, there is always time to plump up later, it's not like I hate eating or anything!

 

 

LOL that is so funny and so true! I know I love a man with a good appetite but that's becuase I love to cook (i think it's fun but don't ever really have an apettite these days or anyone to cook for)! It's nice to have a balance in being active and not afraid to eat a burrito or something later. An humor is a plus! You should keep that humor, it will work tons on women, I know there is nothing I love more than a man who can make me laugh by just being himself

[30yrold]

LOL that is so funny and so true! I know I love a man with a good appetite but that's becuase I love to cook (i think it's fun but don't ever really have an apettite these days or anyone to cook for)! It's nice to have a balance in being active and not afraid to eat a burrito or something later. An humor is a plus! You should keep that humor, it will work tons on women, I know there is nothing I love more than a man who can make me laugh by just being himself

 

I lost myself for a while, and I am on a journey to rediscover who I am. Humor is part of my nature and it feels good to let it out! I responded to your eating thread, maybe it will help, maybe not. Either way, you will make it and return to normal habits. Sometimes it just takes time to let nature take its course.

[Jocolly]

Congratulations, it takes real courage and a lot of effort to see our own faults and take steps to remedy them. Your post was really inspiring xxx

[BlackBirdy]

Great post! I'm glad you're sounding upbeat and optimistic; the next girl you meet and sweep off her feet is one LUCKY gal!

[30yrold]

Congratulations, it takes real courage and a lot of effort to see our own faults and take steps to remedy them. Your post was really inspiring xxx

 

I'm so happy to have been able to share.

 

I must always work on humility above all I think. Confidence is an important trait, but pride is almost always damaging.

[30yrold]

Great post! I'm glad you're sounding upbeat and optimistic; the next girl you meet and sweep off her feet is one LUCKY gal!

 

Thank you for the compliment Blackbirdy, although I'm not sure if I deserve so much credit quite yet

 

My ex called me last night, and we talked for over an hour. She sounded very sick, and I know it's because she has been going out a lot and partying with her new bf. I just said she sounded sick, and to take care of herself (being non-judgemental and not pushy). She brought up some things about the break up, and was angry over some things. I replied calmly, and took the blame for things I had done. I didn't ask her any questions, just answered hers. Once she calmed down, I shared a little bit about the conversation with my mom, and some of my self discoveries. She seemed skeptical, which is understandable. I told her that I was going to work on me and then show her what a great friend truly is. She said she didn't have a problem with that, and was very happy hearing about my mom and I working on things. It felt really good for me to be able to be accountable for my actions in our relationship. I was in complete control of my emotions the whole time, and that also felt terrific. I let her vent, and there was no argument.

 

She then asked me how she would ever trust me again because I had (shamefully) pried into her email and facebook accounts after we broke up. I said that was up to her, and that I couldn't change the past, but I could be better in the future. We also talked a little bit about how she had looked in my phone while we were together because she thought I was cheating on her, which I wasn't.

 

I offered to bring over some water and meds since she was quite sick, but she declined. I wished her a good evening, and that we would talk soon, and thanks for calling.

 

There was no emotional set back after talking with her. In fact, I felt better than I had prior to the conversation even though she was angry and had doubts about trusting me. I know I am well on my way to becoming the man I envision myself being.

 

I just can't let that man slip away unnoticed over time, and then have a traumatizing event cause me to re-evaluate. This is an every day job, for the rest of my life!

[AmericanHuney]

I lost myself for a while, and I am on a journey to rediscover who I am. Humor is part of my nature and it feels good to let it out! I responded to your eating thread, maybe it will help, maybe not. Either way, you will make it and return to normal habits. Sometimes it just takes time to let nature take its course.

 

No need to rediscover who you are, what you're going through right now and how you are handeling it is just another part of who you are if you think about it. It's just this side of you doesn't have to come out as often, is how I think of it. When my breakup happened it was tough of course but the way I handeled it was a part of who I already was and had been. Then it was just a matter of moving from my sad mode back to my everyday mode. You definitley need to keep that humor going because laughing and making others laugh is such a strong healer!!! and women love that!

 

Thanks for the advice on my post I appreciate it!

 

There was no emotional set back after talking with her. In fact, I felt better than I had prior to the conversation even though she was angry and had doubts about trusting me. I know I am well on my way to becoming the man I envision myself being.

 

I'm glad this didn't set you back, but don't ever let anyone make you feel less than what you are. We all make mistakes and you looking at her FB page is really not a deal breaker (she obviously has no idea how much worse it could have actually done) and her looking in your phone makes her just as guilty. I say be who you are and you will be just fine. If she wants to rehash everything then that's her issue, you've already said sorry and have learned from your mistake so now it just seems like she wants to hear the apology over and over which is lame to me. What's done is done, the past is the past.

[30yrold]

Hi Huney,

Thank you for your comments To be completely upfront, I did lose myself a bit. What I mean is that over time I have developed some emotional barriers with people in my life. At my core, I am extremely sensitive and emotional, but I put up shields. I am working to break down those shields so I can be who I really am.

 

The things she brought up were never talked about before, so it wasn't re-hashing. She needed some answers just like I did (that's why I went snooping). I thought I would find something that would explain what had happened between us, but I really didn't and that forced me to look at myself. Which is exactly what needed to happen.

 

She is struggling financially because she is now completely self sufficient, which she has never been in the past. I asked the company I work for if they needed anyone, and the answer was an emphatic yes. I told my boss about my ex (I think I am ready to start calling her my friend), and my boss was certain that they could hire her with my reference. I sent a text to my former gf (sounds better than ex haha!) and she was very interested. Since she has no internet access, I printed out the 20 page application and met her at SBucks to help her fill it out. This job would almost double her pay, and give her much needed breathing room. I felt great about being able to help her get a "real" job finally. I hope it works out and will update as I can.

 

We had a really nice time laughing and talking together while working on the application tonight. Her bf did call, which was somewhat awkward for me, but I didn't show it. I think she is at a point in her life where if she can get this job and start making some decent money to take care of herself and her boys, she will have everything she needs to have a happy existence. I want that very badly for her.

 

We hugged for a minute or two when we were leaving, and she called when she got home to thank me again for helping her. I don't know what the future holds, but I am so hopeful for her right now. She deserves some peace and a feeling of accomplishment.

 

I now feel like it is really over between us, and I am ok with that. I still hurt a bit, and miss her, but I think that being friends is going to be great for us. Acceptance is a tough pill, but I am drinking as much water as I can to get that sucker down

[30yrold]

Oh! I forgot to add that I started this new job post break up as a second job. Tonight while talking my former gf asked what made me want to do this job. I asked what she meant. She said she was shocked I was doing something in the medical field. I explained it was related to my coursework in psychology (working with developmentally disabled kids). She then wondered how I had gotten into the job. I just smiled and said, "Hey, I know people!" We talked about something else for a bit and then she again brought up the origin of the job. She asked if I had taken the job to impress a girl. I laughed so hard! I replied that I took the job to help kids, and that I wasn't the type to live my life to impress others, which she knows. Then she asked again, how I had heard of the job. With a big smile, I just said "Wouldn't you like to know!" I'm sure she thinks that some girl got me the job, and I just let her mind wander. Truthfully a guy in one of my courses told me about it, and I told him to give them my number if they needed anyone. Love it!

[AmericanHuney]

hi!

 

I completely understand that you feel you put up some emotional barriers, but if you think about it....who doesn't do that? It's also known as a defense mechanism, seriously natural. Sure, you may not have needed them and it could have caused fights, but give yourself some credit. I'm sure those sheilds developed over time and from a prior experience but you know what when someone loves you they stick around to help you with those sheilds, they don't quit. I'm not saying she's a bad person, what I'm saying is you're not a bad person just because you had walls up. So don't be so hard on yourself, decisions are made and you have made one and that's that you want to work on it. Good for you! That doesn't mean you're not being true to yourself it just means your true character is careful and perhaps a little too careful at times, so you work on it. End of the day though, still the same person. I mean we are who we are

 

I think it's pretty genuine of you to help her out the way you did (btw, i hate the word ex too! i prefer old boyfriend myself. Ex just sounds weird. Doesn't mean I want to be friends with them though lol). But remember she has to do the work, youve given her the steps but now it's time to show her she can be capable. If you help to much you are sending signals that they are incapable, it all needs to come from within someone when they want to get it together. I think you are very nice to help her out, but now let her take the drivers seat not just for her but for her kids so she can be the example.

 

Just be careful with the friends thing, it could be too soon for that. But I'm sure you will be. To be honest you don't have to accept anything anymore, it is what it is already. It's more of a matter of knowing you did a fine job in the end and that should give you peace to keep on in your life journey without regrets. I know for me the only thing I lost in my last relationship was intolerance, I tolerated way too much and it was only when I was out of the situation that I saw how much i gave him the benefit of the doubt. So I promised myself that intolerance needed to be present just as much as tolerance in the next go round.

 

No regrets just open seas and sails set away from the past. It's an experience, one that you can take with you but not dwell on. It only takes one smile, just one person to show you everything happened for a reason and trust me it really is just that one person that can show you that it all makes so much sense now. Just ONE! So glad you're ok with things and feeling better, remember if you have impacted their life in some small way, even the tinyest then you did your job well and you can smile on that.

[AmericanHuney]

Wow! your former girlfriend sounds really intrested in this...perhaps a little too insecure about it if you ask me. what the heck, let her mind wonder it doesn't hurt anything and frankly it none of her business anyway. You live your life, you DON'T have to answer to anyone so what's wrong with neither confirming or denying. I guarantee she's going to one day love telling you this and that and then try to with hold something only to burst it out later (women always do this, kind of annoying really). She may even try rubbing some things in your face occasionally but one thing men don't understand is women HATE not knowing this and desire mystery. If they are not in control they flip.

 

I say if you're going to be friends don't let her know too much about your life, i mean let her do all the talking and you can just maintain vauge answers like "my weekend was good, being in better shape has really brought some fun people around....", "I have some things going on tonight, gotta get back to a few people on differing plans though...", "the new job is actually a blast, making a difference and laughter around the clock..", staying vauge is fun and of course she'll always ask what you mean and want to know more and you can always us the whole, "I dont know" and act oblivious. She doesn't need to know everything about you anymore, remember she's a friend now.

[30yrold]

Hi Huney,

Yes, I agree with your statements. After I laid in bed and started thinking last night, I came to the conclusion that after helping her with this job I need to pull back a little bit. It has been somewhat difficult for me, although not as difficult as I had thought. Being over her will help me be a much better friend, and we will be able to talk about EVERYTHING without having to hold back for fear of hurting each other's feelings.

 

I also realized that I am being way too available for her, and even took some fluids and meds to her yesterday during the day since she is quite ill. That is something her mom or boyfriend should be doing, not me!

 

She was a little too interested in my motives with the job. She moved on very quickly without giving herself much time at all to heal after our break up. She started talking to her new bf a couple of weeks after our break up, and dating soon after. I know that she was/is not over me yet and has just transfered some of the feelings she had for me right to him after putting a wall between us to protect herself. It's easy to think or feel that you are over someone when you are in another's arms.

 

However, I think it's important to keep in mind that I was the dumpER in this situation, and the reason why she started to push me away was because she didn't feel I loved her, among other smaller things. That's why all of the advice for most people in this forum about NC, acting nonchalant, etc. may not be applicable here. I do think that being a shiny, outgoing, charismatic man is the best thing for me, regardless of contact with her or not.

 

I am just taking things one day at a time and will make decisions based on how I feel. However, I do think that some time away from contact with her after helping her out with the job and showing her that I am making progress (and also look super hot) might give her a chance to miss me a little bit, and that's never a bad thing.

[AmericanHuney]

I seriously support your decision to pull back, becuase you're right it is not your responsibility to take care of her anymore and she could use it to make her new bf mad and hate you and create drama, which you really don't need the headache. Plus, her moving on so fast after the split is really not a good thing and not fair to her new bf. It shows she can't be alone and presents herself as a incapable person (which means not independent). Some people are independent financially but not emotionally, and visa versa but she sort of sounds like she's not independent in either department. Either way, that is not your problem and although you mean well you do need to pull back a little.

 

Besides majority of rebounds don't work out, for the mere fact that they didn't start out with the correct intentions. Once things get serious and start to settle in that person realizes "oh wow, this is actually happening" and they usually freak and split. If not like that it's a subconcious effect.

 

Either way if you were the dumper, you still realized your mistakes and wanted to improve for you and her but she should take some of the responsibility in improving herself too and not just leave it up to you. One things for sure, people always remember their ex's (or old bf's/gf's), even the ones they wish like mad they could forget. So you won't ever be forgotten and when she does think of you, she'll wonder what you're doing and how you are it's natural. Especially becuase you are being so giving in all of this.

 

One day at a time, that's all you can do. In the end, things always will workout with or without the old lover.

[30yrold]

She and I did talk about her independence a little bit. I think she has some grandiose idea that people just strike out in the world and succeed. In some rare cases that may be true, but most of the time, people have good role models, education, family support, etc.

 

She is too afraid to face her own feelings on her own right now, and that is why she hops from man to man. Incidentally, her mother did the same thing, and my former gf was deadset against it because she didn't want to be dependent on a man her whole life, like her mom. Getting her own place was a good step, but it is just a physical independence, not emotional or mental, which is what independence is really about.

[30yrold]

After more reflection (do I ever stop?!) I have decided that stepping back is the way to go. I am STILL her emotional support and helping her much more than I should. I am helping her get on her feet and talking about things with her when the new bf gets to take her out and have fun and sleep with her. She needs to get EVERYTHING from him if he is right for her. She also needs to learn independence on her own, without my help, or else it isn't really independence is it??

 

Tonight I after class I am going to treat myself to some new clothes for my new body. I am also going to find a date for the weekend and go out and have fun with someone new. I already have four girls phone numbers that I can call, and I am sure one of them will gladly accept.

 

I am not going to contact her this weekend, and if she contacts me, I will tell her I am backing away for both of our sake, in a nice way. If she doesn't contact me, I will wait a week, and tell her about backing away. She needs time away from me to figure herself out, and to get a clear picture of what/who she wants.

[30yrold]

I spent $500 on new clothes tonight, damn that felt good. Especially when the jeans were size 31, which I haven't worn since 2006. I am going to have a GREAT weekend

[AmericanHuney]

Size 31! that's so great! Good for you! Geez, now you're giving me ideas for my weekend lol

I'm so happy you are looking forwad to your new self and the weekend ahead WITHOUT her. And having four girls phone numbers already is a huge confidence boost! You see, there are more fish in the sea (that doesn't mean you have to like them, just means you are seeing what's out there). And you are Right about the whole how you help her with a lot while her bf gets all the fun, so not a good thing. You are on the right track to letting go and pulling back, becuase she is not your concern anymore. And her idea about how some people "strike out" is dead wrong! You have to work for what you want and if you blame everything on everyone then really you should just be blaming yourself. Ugh I don't like lazy people, it's VERY unattractive!

 

I feel bad for guys who get girls stuck on them for everything, money, career moves, emotional support, hanging out, etc. I mean the poor guys don't get a break and then the girl defines herself by him. It's no wonder some guys have to be jerks to girls when they break up, girls get too codependent sometimes. Anyway, I think you're doing a great job and there's nothing more attractive than a man who lives his life and ENJOYS it. No dwelling on the past, just looking at the future. Ex's are History so there's really no need to even waste time on past efforts or emotions. Today is not the same as it was before and tomorrow won't be the same as today so enjoy your life and let go of things that bring you down

[BlackBirdy]

You sound so much like me at times, heheh...

 

so optimistic, so many good things happening, and even ur ex knows you're such a wonderful person. Well it truly is her loss, even if you were the dumpER and all, she had a part to play in it, too. It's good to see someone so positive here after going through some emotional crap from all kinds of sources.

 

Keep it up! You have a great attitude that's motivating me to keep my chin up and to have a smile on my face no matter what. Because life is so awesome right now I'm the fittest I've been in years, I have wonderful friends and family, and my whole life ahead of me - the world's my oyster!! And it is for you, too!

[30yrold]

She called this morning to tell me she talked to the lady for the new job, and was faxing in her application. I said "Great, that's good news!" It seemed like she wanted to talk some more, but I said I would get in touch when I was able to schedule the training class. She seemed a bit put off, but oh well!

[30yrold]

Aaaaaand she just called AGAIN to tell me she has an appointment with a potential client tonight for the new job, but she can't find anyone to take her shift or to cover for her at her old job. She hasn't called me in weeks, and now suddenly twice in a day. Text messages are one thing, but calling? Then after she got done saying what she had to say, she asked what was going on with me. I said I was getting ready to leave to go do some stuff. She thanked me for letting her pout. I was a little bit pissed off honestly, so I just replied calmly "I don't mean to sound rude, but you should be getting emotional support from your boyfriend, not me." She was quite taken aback, I could tell. Her voice got very small, and she said I was right, and sorry, see you later.

 

I feel a bit like an ass, but at the same time, she needs to realize that she can't have my wonderful insights for free.

[30yrold]

And now I get the guilt trip text: "Sorry for calling the friend that was helping me get this job, my bad."

Reply: "I understand. Things are different now though. I just think that since you give him all the good stuff like going out, romance, etc., that he should also give you support when you need it. I'm off for a hike, good luck