Am I an outcast?

[guitarman]

Ok, generally, I am not exactly a Sad person. If I ever had a major depression, it was a phase that was long gone with my teenager years. But I don't deny any repercussions that results from that.

 

I don't know if it is me or the people around me. i just feel that i can't relate to people around me. I'm talking especially about my workplace, when generally I could almost find no one else who shares the same interests, who laughs at the same things, who share the same perspective and values in life. I tried to blend in to their lifestyle and conversations whenever possible, but I don't wish to lose myself and living up to other people's expectations. But it seems that in the general culture of my workplace, I am the only one who is trying to relate to people. And I feel really uncomfortable sometimes.

 

So what exactly is wrong here? Is it because I am not trying hard enough to reach out to people? Or is it because the general behaviour of people in my country is not as socially receptive? (I'm from Singapore BTW)

 

At least when I hang out with friends outside, I get to choose who to be with according to interests, perspective and Values. But i can't do that at work. And I know i need to maintain a good working relationship with my colleges. If so, how do I define a working relationship. We can't go about working like Cyborgs can we?

 

 

Glenn Fong

[Celadon]

Guitarman, can you give some more info about the culture of your workplace? What do they talk about? When do they socialize?

 

I think I understand what you mean. At my workplace, many people talk about subjects I'm not interested in, or I have little knowledge of. There's only so many questions I'm willing to ask about those subjects.

 

But I've found that some people are willing to talk about their lives, what they were up to over the weekend, that kind of stuff. From there, a friendship starts to build. Try to find common interests, even the mundane ones, like where you shop for groceries and what you think of that market. I hope this helps some.

[guitarman]

I guess coming from an Asian country .... people are commonly more conservative and less willing to share about personal opinions and their lifestyle. If they bear opinions different from others ... they most probably keep it to themselves rather than sharing it out.

 

Generally, my colleges are typical of the Asian Culture. They would joke about work, something they see, something they are reminded of. Or they will complain about work and routine. It's not that I dont like to joke ... i do .... but we just don't share the same frequency for humour .... you get what i mean?

 

I like to talk about life ... about my plans ... about my opinions on issues and people .... about values and what I did for the weekend. I like SCUBA, Wine, Fine Dining, Jazz, Bossa, Guitars, investments, stocks etc. I can hardly find anyone of the same interest but it's fine ... coz as long as the recipient is open minded ... he would either contribute about a topic he is familiar about or he would learn more about the topic that was discussed by asking questions.

 

But i feel as if i was the only one or few who does that. And it's very stifling when there are cliques around that does not want to be interrupted. And people go by speculation .... they interpret actions without confronting issues. ya get what I mean?

 

The general interests are in Cars, Comics, Cartoons, PC gaming, Play station, Bikes, etc. Which I find it cool for where their passion lies.

 

Is there a way you thiink I should communicate better? Or do I need a Paradigm shift? Maybe there's a way to make people feel more confortable being with me?

[talo]

Hi Glenn,

 

I don't know if it is me or the people around me.

 

If there is a problem, it is always where the problem is.

 

i just feel that i can't relate to people around me.

 

You are relating whether you feel you are or not.

 

I'm talking especially about my workplace, when generally I could almost find no one else who shares the same interests, who laughs at the same things, who share the same perspective and values in life.

 

Your way of relating may be called 'different'. This is quite acceptable and has consequences as do all ways of relating. The consequence of being different is that you may often be/feel alone (an outcast). Noone is really alone, you have merely defined yourself as different. If you do not define yourself, you are neither different nor the same.

 

I tried to blend in to their lifestyle and conversations whenever possible, but I don't wish to lose myself and living up to other people's expectations.

 

You mean you have an idea that you will lose your own ideas by adopting other's ideas? Is this your idea or an other's idea? Are ideas actually owned? What about seeing ideas as merely ideas - ie, points of view, ways of looking, perspectives...

 

But it seems that in the general culture of my workplace, I am the only one who is trying to relate to people. And I feel really uncomfortable sometimes.

 

In relating there are uncomfortable times and comfortable times. The comfortable times are when your ideas about yourself are not threatened; the uncomfortable times are when they are. It is possible to view both uncomfortable and comfortable ideas as ideas that do not belong to anyone.

 

Not intending to make you uncomfortable,

[guitarman]

Thanks for your reply .... I like the part when you mentioned that there is no such thing as an ownership to an idea. It makes alot of sense. And about being "different" is just how I percieve myself .... and I actually shouldn't not have tried so hard to blend in .... because I already have ..

Thanks!

 

Glenn

[Celadon]

Talo, I like your thoughts very much. If I understand you right, you're saying that a person is who a person is. And the consequences are simply what they are. We act, we have our thoughts and ideas, and they may or may not fit with those around us, but that's no reason to change who we are. This really speaks to me.

 

Glenn, it sounds to me like you're a deeper thinker than your co-workers. Or at least, you're willing to share more than they are. Could you adjust your expectations of them, perhaps? Maybe you've been hoping for their acceptance, when, as talo pointed out, you already have it. Now the work is to simply be who you are and let them accept and get to know you.

 

My hurdle, which you may or may not share, is simply to have humor about it and not take it personally. If I say something that falls flat because nobody understands it, it helps to be self-deprecating or make a small joke about the awkward silence.

 

Anyone else have thoughts? Thanks.

[talo]

Thanks for your reply .... I like the part when you mentioned that there is no such thing as an ownership to an idea. It makes alot of sense. And about being "different" is just how I percieve myself .... and I actually shouldn't not have tried so hard to blend in .... because I already have ..

Thanks!

 

Looks like you got the idea Glenn. And please don't hold on to it, it's only an idea.

 

 

Talo, I like your thoughts very much.

 

Thank you K8tie. They are not my thoughts, they are just thoughts.

 

If I understand you right, you're saying that a person is who a person is.

 

You have an idea of what a person is?

 

And the consequences are simply what they are.

 

Yes, having ideas has consequences.

 

We act, we have our thoughts and ideas, and they may or may not fit with those around us, but that's no reason to change who we are.

 

A person is thoughts and ideas, and each person is an individual set of thoughts and ideas. Sometimes some thoughts/ideas do not fit with others. The consequence of this can be a clash of ideas.

 

Having "no reason to change who we are" is having or holding on to an idea of who we are. Sometimes holding onto ideas prolongs clashes.

 

This really speaks to me.

 

This is me speaking to me.

 

Thank you K8tie for speaking to me,

[Celadon]

A person is thoughts and ideas, and each person is an individual set of thoughts and ideas. Sometimes some thoughts/ideas do not fit with others. The consequence of this can be a clash of ideas.

 

Having "no reason to change who we are" is having or holding on to an idea of who we are. Sometimes holding onto ideas prolongs clashes.

 

Ah, but there is nothing wrong with clashes. They are inevitable. Only when one person insists the other adopt the same idea does the clash become unproductive.

[talo]

Thank you for your reply K8tie.

 

...there is nothing wrong with clashes.

 

There is neither anything wrong nor right with clashes (of ideas). There may simply not be enough space.

 

Ideas appear to clash when there is an idea of two ideas occupying the same space. This appearance may not be apparent if space is expanded. This expansion may be seen as expansion in physical, mental, or virtual space.

 

They are inevitable.

 

Not with/in enough space.

 

Only when one person insists the other adopt the same idea does the clash become unproductive.

 

(It could be said that only when the other does not adopt that idea that the clash becomes unproductive ).

 

The idea that (clashes of) ideas are productive/unproductive is the idea of production. What is produced by idea is idea. The idea of space is to make room for production of idea.

 

In the make up room,

 

[Celadon]

No need to be in the make up room, talo. I find your thoughts -- or the ideas you present, since they are not yours -- to be rather zen in nature. Care to comment on that?

[talo]

No need to be in the make up room, talo.

 

Are you giving me permission to go outside K8tie . Trouble is, even the notion of outside is made up.

 

I find your thoughts -- or the ideas you present, since they are not yours....

 

Isn't language funny. Even the presenting is not mine. This attributing of events to subjects (eg, people) is merely a convention of language. The subject of "it rains" is conventionally seen as different to "you sing" or "I run".

 

.....to be rather zen in nature. Care to comment on that?

 

I recall being in a forum where it was asked what 'zen' meant. Almost everyone who responded gave a different meaning. What do you mean when you use the word? I do not have a meaning for it, it means nothing to me.

 

If zen means nothing, then zenning something could mean making something into nothing. This is generally the opposite of what appears to be usually going on, ie making nothing into something

 

The usual remedy for this is the offering of advice. This, in effect, may well add-to-the-vice of already held opinion/idea/thought/belief, or merely replace one held idea or set of ideas with another. All this may well add to confusion.

 

The idea of advice is to fix or solve the problem, but, dependent on the point of view, it often compounds it or 'fixes it in solution'; ie it particularizes, prolongs and magnifies it.

 

What interests me is finding a way of looking at problems so that they vanish, or there isn't one. In other words, dis-solving it, or seeing 'the problem' 'in solution', thus maintaining fluidity.

 

Thus, getting back to zen, nothing or no thing,