Need an Opinion

[2kids]

I have been thinking about this all day and would like opinions. If a person has been deceptive, is it unreasonable for the people she or he has been deceptive towards to check behind them to try to regain trust? Should that person be transparent?

[Celadon]

So you're asking if, for example, a person has a gambling problem that they hid but it was discovered, whether the person should now open up his/her finances so that others can know there's no deception still going on?

 

Theoretically, that seems like it would help restore trust. However, that willingness has to come from the deceiver. If it's forced upon him/her, that person will not truly be transparent.

[catfeeder]

You might need to get more specific to find helpful answers. Policing someone can actually make them more determined and better at being sneaky.

[RedDress]

I think that you are looking at this backwards...

 

I think it's crazy-making behaviour to be constantly checking behind someone to see if they are deceiving you again. I think it's MUCH more healthy to make a decision. Either you accept the reason they deceived you as being a valid, exceptional circumstance and DECIDE to trust them - or you don't.

 

Trust is a decision.

 

If you are having difficulties making the decision to trust, perhaps it's because you know in your heart that it's a bad decision. No amount of policing and stressing will change that.

[catfeeder]

I think that you are looking at this backwards...

 

I think it's crazy-making behaviour to be constantly checking behind someone to see if they are deceiving you again. I think it's MUCH more healthy to make a decision. Either you accept the reason they deceived you as being a valid, exceptional circumstance and DECIDE to trust them - or you don't.

 

Trust is a decision.

 

If you are having difficulties making the decision to trust, perhaps it's because you know in your heart that it's a bad decision. No amount of policing and stressing will change that.

 

I agree. I'd make this less about 'them' and more about me. Do I believe that a life of holding a tight stomach full of worry as I turn into a constant detective is a good enough future for me?

[ForumGuy]

I have been thinking about this all day and would like opinions. If a person has been deceptive, is it unreasonable for the people she or he has been deceptive towards to check behind them to try to regain trust? Should that person be transparent?

You either check up on them. omit them from your life, or live with the deception. The question might be: Are you also being deceptive in checking behind them without them knowing it? They will view it that way if they find out. I think if they are promising to change, you wouldn't have to be transparent, because they would be eager to show you they have changed.

[BellaStranger]

I think that you are looking at this backwards...

 

I think it's crazy-making behaviour to be constantly checking behind someone to see if they are deceiving you again. I think it's MUCH more healthy to make a decision. Either you accept the reason they deceived you as being a valid, exceptional circumstance and DECIDE to trust them - or you don't.

 

Trust is a decision.

 

If you are having difficulties making the decision to trust, perhaps it's because you know in your heart that it's a bad decision. No amount of policing and stressing will change that.

 

Perfect answer!

[2kids]

Ok that helps quite a bit. Here is the situation...he cheated (not in his eyes though), I found out by his behavior - he cheated before and his behavior was just like it was the previous time. Then I stumbled on a couple things that were my proof of him lying. The lies continued and I kept digging...you name it I did the checking!!! Now I am not proud of it by any means, but how do I let go of the obsession of snooping? As far as the knot in my stomach when I think about it, it gets tighter. I have never cared if he read my email, texts, etc. Even when I reread something, I think it is boring! He does go through my phone but tells me he doesn't (I know because I leave it the same all the time and he doesn't leave it how he found it). Hmmm...I think I need to not care and then maybe he will come clean. The relationship is most likely over but we have kids and I need to know how to handle it if he is being deceptive in that respect. Thanks for the perspectives, they make a lot of sense.