sweety74 Posted October 17, 2010 Share Posted October 17, 2010 Hi everyone ME AGAIN, For those who have read my earlier posts, husband and I have decided to divorce due to a history of not being completely happy with different aspects of each other's personalities, arguements, and his temper tantrums topped off by a doosie three weeks ago when it got physical - he gave me a shake, I grabbed him and shook him twice as forcefully as he did me, he nearly reacted by throwing me accross the bed but stopped himself. We said last time we made up after a break up that we were giving it one more shot. If problems arose again that was it. I don't like violence, he feels bad for being violent and feels he must leave to sort himself out - he can't do it while he is with me, he needs to get right out of the situation. I was hoping he might get counselling and try to work things out without the need for a divorce but he does not want that, he wants to get right away. So he is moving to a city 7 hrs away, my stepson and our son will have to fly/train to visit him and he will come back here when he can to see them. We have tried to be pleasant to each other while we have to live in the same house, for our sake and the kids - after all we don't hate each other. A while ago he told me he was struggling with feelings of wanting to "get close" to me, even though he made it clear he did not want to reconcile. I told him that he was being insulting and if he thought anything would happen sexually while we were still living together and still going ahead with the divorce, he could think again. Today was the day we decided to tell our five year old son about the break up. I didn't think I could hold myself together, so we arranged for my husband to tell our son, and for me to be there afterwards to make sure he understood what was happening and talk over any questions with him. Our son took it very well but afterwards my husband came to me in tears, and I held him and comforted him. To be honest I needed the hug to as telling our son was very hard, although he took it surprisingly well. My husband and I talked about how it was weird that on the days we were each feeling very upset about the break up, the person that we wanted to go to for comfort, was each other. Things have gotten worse for my husband, his son, my stepson, who was going to go with him to the new place, has decided he will go back to his mother's instead. The living situation up there is not the best, while he was there for his scheduled fortnightly visit, he was bailed up by three young thugs who took his cellphone off him and nearly took his expensive BMX bike as well. So my husband was upset again when he came home, now realising he has mucked things up for his son as well, who was doing so much better at school and keeping out of trouble as best he could, while he was here with us. Now realising he will be moving to a new place on his own - although he will be going to live with his brother and sister-in-law The look on his face is one of absolute misery. Nothing is working out. I think he is realising he has lost everything. I feel for him. I guess it is just one of the "bad days", I know we will have good and bad days. He hasn't been outwardly upset and emotional during the whole three weeks since we agreed to split, he did tell me that he has been going out to the garage and having a cry now and then, but today, its clearly showing in his face and he's having tears in front of me. Im feeling bad for him, and a little bit guilty? Link to comment
Lonewing Posted October 17, 2010 Share Posted October 17, 2010 So maybe you can ask him again to go get help for his anger management issues? Yes, he's the one who did wrong, and it's high time he addressed those violent tendencies... Maybe this 'whole world melting' will help him get the help he needs to recover. Oh eyah - and happiness - it comes from within. If you are not happy with yourself, there is nothing another person can do to make you happy. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 17, 2010 Share Posted October 17, 2010 Why don't the two of you consider this a separation rather than heading straight for the divorce card? You'll each get the time and space to learn what living without the other will be like, and then you can negotiate from there whether counseling or divorce would be the right move. Link to comment
sweety74 Posted October 17, 2010 Author Share Posted October 17, 2010 Thats what Im hoping for catfeeder, a bit of time apart and maybe we can sort things out once we both have clear heads. However Im also realistic and aware that once he moves away he may meet someone else or may prefer being on his own, and so might I, so Im viewing it as a permanent seperation, Im going to get on with my life as though it is, if by chance we make it back to each other in future then who knows? We're currently stuck in a position of being overwhelmed by our emotions and residual feelings for each other (at times, other days we are both quite happy to move on), and wanting to hold the other person when we see them. We can't stay in this limbo and must move forward one way or the other - either continue with the split, or try to see if their is a way back to getting our marriage together. He moves out in 3 weeks and I think that will be good and give us time to think about what we really want. Link to comment
catfeeder Posted October 17, 2010 Share Posted October 17, 2010 Thats what Im hoping for catfeeder, a bit of time apart and maybe we can sort things out once we both have clear heads. However Im also realistic and aware that once he moves away he may meet someone else or may prefer being on his own, and so might I, so Im viewing it as a permanent seperation, Im going to get on with my life as though it is, if by chance we make it back to each other in future then who knows? Have you made him aware that you're willing to view this as a trial separation rather than an all-or-nothing deal? If so, how did he respond, and if not, there's no time like the present. Link to comment
sweety74 Posted October 17, 2010 Author Share Posted October 17, 2010 Yes I did mention that I did have hopes we might work it out over time, he didn't really respond to this - on the other hand Ive also let him know that Ive been researching the divorce process. Hes recently told me that I can keep my wedding and engagement rings and do whatever I want with them so its sounds pretty final on his part. Yet he mentioned to me again today he is struggling with his feelings towards me but mainly the sexual urges and having to take lots of cold showers... Ive made it clear Im not doing break up sex. I don't mind the ocasional cuddle when things get rough for both of us but that's as far as I will go. He is home today and currently packing up his things in the garage and asking me about what I would like to keep etc... Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 sweety, This doesn't have to be the end. This can be the catalyst for huge change for both of you. Some people have to hit rock bottom before they do anything real to help themselves. Your husband may be that type of person. ((HUGS)) Lost Link to comment
sweety74 Posted October 23, 2010 Author Share Posted October 23, 2010 Thanks lost and hurt, I think that he will need to go ahead with the move to work out what he really wants. At present he is finishing the painting of our house so we can get it on the market, and he is all set to move out next weekend. We have had another long talk today, but mainly around arrangements for our son. He has been going out in the evenings so that he doesn't have to be around me, he says its hard as he wants to be close to me all the time - wants to be intimate - but he doesn't want to get back together at all. So he's getting a definate NO from me with regard to any closeness post break-up: I can't believe he would even THINK I would agree to it!!!!! I have had a couple of days where everything has been getting on top of me, from keeping my emotions under control all day at work (not many people at work know what has happened), to trying to figure out how I will manage financially and also to be able to give my son everything he needs, on my own. I have been quite short with my ex husband and just wanting to be left alone. Today is a bit better where we are able to talk and have a bit of a joke with one another, and I am feeling surprisingly calm and positive about what is coming up. I wonder if I will have a complete meltdown once he is actually gone? Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 Yes you will as the reality of it all will set in and acceptance will hit you. You will be okay though. You will feel better one minute and like crap the next and as time goes by and acceptance of what is real set in more and more the better hours will get longer and the bad times will get shorter. When it happended to me I wished for 15 minutes of peace for my mind. I read your other post and this one with him wanting to have sex. To him that is all there is left to be close to you. Is it selfish of him? Yes it is. Do you still want to be intimate with him? I believe you do but it is a very dangerous thing because your heart is very fragile right now. One last night of passion is always tempting but it can weaken your resolve. It is your choice in the end. If you want to be intimate with him it must be because you want to, not because he does and you don't want to hurt his feelings. Best wishes and ((HUGS)) to the little one Lost Link to comment
sweety74 Posted October 25, 2010 Author Share Posted October 25, 2010 Thanks lostandhurt your posts are very reassuring, and make a lot of sense, very helpful so thanks for taking the time to follow and reply. Link to comment
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