Confused: The Plot Thickens..What does He Want From Me??!!

[Just Me85]

Hi Guys,

 

This weekend I finally plucked up the strength to tell the man I have been seeing for a year that I need some space. He had told me he can never have a relationship, and he wants things to carry on as they have been for the past year, and he would be happy for that to carry on forever.

 

He explained that he is committed to me as in he doesn't want to play the field, and I am special. But he still refused to say we are in a relationship, opting to say he can't do relationships. He then admitted we are more than just friends. (Confusing huh?)

 

He said he never wants to get married. He has a bit of a thing against women, he thinks we are all going to break his heart and he says this is his way of staying in control.

 

Anyway! All this aside, I decided to tell him to "do one" and told him I deserve more acknowledgement. I told him he is a frightened boy and I need space. He agreed tp give me this saying "I'll wait for you, the ball's in your court".

 

I left it two days and he called and he was really upset. He said he can't do this and he misses me and he said sorry for calling but he can't stop thinking about me. I talked to him for a while but kept it fairly light and he said that now he thinks he needs a bit of space/time to "reflect on all of this" before he meets me again. He had said on the phone he would like to see me next week.

 

He seemed so glad that I picked up the phone, and now its been 3 days NC. I don't want to chase him anymore. I'm just confused as to why he hasn't been in touch as we are extremely close and spoke every single day until I pulled away and said I needed space.

 

Have I scared him? Has he scared himself? Is he trying to wean himself off of me?

 

I just don't understand this strange unusual behaviour!

[shessofly]

you've done nothing wrong. he was already scared and unwilling to commit. his heart was never fully invested in the relationship. unless that is the way you want to carry on, you've done the right thing. don't sell yourself short if marriage and children are something you want to have in the future. he may not be the guy.

[Batya33]

I think you're playing games with yourself - do you really need "space" since you know the answer -meaning, you want a relationship and he doesn't, for whatever reason. If the purpose of the space is to test if he will chase you that's also a game. Why not tell him to contact you only if he changes his mind and if you are still interested and available you wlll consider it.

[shessofly]

you've been posting about this guy for awhile and nothing has changed. what is it you are confused about? you need to stick to your guns and quick backing down.

[WockaWocka]

I agreed with the first post ("you've done nothing wrong..") and was surprised by the second two posts accusing you of playing games with yourself. So I looked up oner of your earlier threads about him ( ) and he does sound quite insecure and not ready for a relationship. Especially given the above where he says he doesn't want to call it a relationship or bf/gf. He's in severe denial and can't get over having been hurt. And in the previous thread the way he makes you feel bad about your past is a jerk move. For better or worse, who you are today is shaped by your past.

 

So I'd say the best favor you can do yourself is to move on. As much as you like him, he's simply not capable of the kind of relationship you want (he even says so himself!). Batya's suggestion of telling him to get in touch only if he changes his mind sounds like the best approach to me.

 

 

Good luck.

[DN]

I decided to tell him to "do one"

What does this mean?

[dancingcolors]

Hi. My ex was the same way. We were together for 2 years. He REFUSED to say he was my boyfriend, or that we were in a relationship. He would come to my house and stay with me for 4 days straight, every second being together. He would come to my house and crawl in my bed. We would share most intimate secrets, and were passionate lovers. He said we were dating, but couldn't say we were loyal. It was 2 years of mixed messages, and the most amazing time together. All my friends said to end it, and I was falling madly in love with him, and very uspset that he wouldn't say he was my boyfriend. It was ridiculas. He was more like my part time husband. I would try to end it, and he would show up with flowers. It was an awful mess, and i didn't have the strength to end it.

 

You know what happened? Finally he dumped me without telling me, for a woman at work, and never contacted me ever again. I saw him a year later. he was still with her, and said yes, he was her boyfriend, and told her that. that was so hurtful. but I don't really know how secure she really feels, because he tried to introduce us, and SHE ran away.

 

I would NEVER go out with a man again, that I was so involved with for so long, who wouldn't say he was really with me. My guy blamed hurts of the past etc. That is bull. Get over it, and treat someone right.

 

And you know, he really meant it when he said he wasn't my boyfriend, and we weren't in a relationship, because of how he ended it. He never wanted to make a committment, so he could feel justified in walking out if he wanted to, and he did.