long distance boyfriend wants to see other people

[rjortega]

My boyfriend just broke up with me a few days ago. It was a three year long distance relationship. We were eachothers first in everything. He said he still loves me, but now he says he wants to experience other things and fix his life. He wants to see other people. He also said that he was unhappy with his life and taking it out on me and that he did not want to do that. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said no. Should I believe him. I trust him and love him very much.

 

He also said that maybe in the future when I come home from college we could see what happens. That is two years from now and I am afraid he will fall in love with someone else. Please tell me. Does he love me? Does he really mean it when he says there is still a chance for us somewhere down the line?

[nina]

Rosemary,

 

You probably feel as stunned and as numb as I do. I am in exactly the same situation. I went up last weekend to see my boyfriend as he had started to mention another woman's name a lot and I arrived there on Friday morning (even cancelled two classes so I could take the overnight train). He dropped the bombshell on Friday afternoon. He wanted to go out with other women. He didn't feel the same about me as he used to. We've known each other for just over a year. It think it's normal for a relationship to go through stages - after the initial stage, things settle down a little and become calmer. The problem is I am his first real girlfriend. I can understand his reason for wanting to see other women. Maybe he would appreciate what we have more. He felt bad about this situation. He didn't want to go behind my back and be unfaithful so he wanted to break things off.

 

I want him to come back... but I also have a sneaking suspicion that maybe.. if this other woman (who is very sweet - I've met her - she cooked dinner for us last Saturday and we went out together with a group of other people to the cinema!) if this other woman got bored with him (which I suspect she will in about 2-6 months) he might just decide to pick up with me again because he wanted someone - anyone.

 

I've read a lot on another British magazine website about break-ups and the men there are telling each other to cut all ties. Not to contact the ex at all. make a clean break.

 

on the other hand, I have read a couple of posts here and read a bit in one of John Gray's book that sometimes a break-up can strengthen a relationship - simply because both appreciate what they nearly lost.

 

Then again.. one has to really think hard what one is so upset about? Is it because you won't see him again? Or is it because you miss being in a relationship? Having someone to look forward to and share things with? If it's because of that then you could have that with other people. The thing is.. like you.. I think Michael and I went extremely well together. Although he is younger than me, he is sometimes maturer than me. He was really great.

 

I feel so numb now I don't know what to do. Slowly the numbness is wearing off and I feel close to tears very often.

 

I hope he will contact me in a few weeks' or months' time and I really don't know what to do if he doesn't.

 

Keep me posted as to how you are doing. Maybe we could support each other?

 

All the best

Tina

[dave_1966]

My heart really goes out to you on this one, I'm probably a little older than you but it still hurts. Check out my story on link removed

Well, you say you trust him and love him very much, but he's already broken your trust by coming out with this. The next thing will be the "let's be friends" routine. I know this is a really harsh thing to say but you now have to adopt the attitude that he's seeing someone else and prepare yourself accordingly. My long distance ex of three years started on this track (and I'm not suggesting that our situations are identical, though they sound similar) and things rapidly went downhill from there. It turned out that she was going with someone else, I know this because she called last week to tell me she loves me and is missing me, but in the same breath she tells me that she's been sleeping for a month with a builder that she met in the bar where she works. She hasn't any feelings for him and keeps thinking of me all the time but doesn't know if it could ever work out between us again. Flattering, uh?

 

So, if i was you, I'd make myself very busy socially. Go out to bars with your friends and live it up. Put some real effort in to it. Don't call this guy UNDER ANY circumstances. I'd even go so far as to put him through a dose of his own medicine, don't accept any calls from him and if he's still frantically calling in, say, a month accept the call and give him an ultimatum and say are we an item? If he says no, then don't waste your breath on him again. If he says yes, make him work for it. Easier said than done sometimes though.

 

Be strong, and look after your health and No.1 for the time being.

[Olivia]

Hi guys!

I´ve been in a long-distance relationship for 1 year but I think we broke up via email a couple of hours ago - I´m not sure if we are still going to work things out and I don´t know if we should. He would only try to make me ultimatums, pushing me to take the decision, and he ask me what I want, but I can only say I want to be happy, I´m not sure how we can do it. This is the second time we break up because he insists on going out with his ex-girlfriend (who is after him but of course he can´t see that), and the first time our relationship came out stronger - but it was never my intention to bluff, although it did occur to me I might get good results out of it. I do believe he´s faithful to me but this girl has really been a bitch to him and the fact that he has forgiven her and allowed her back into his life makes me respect him less. She keeps calling him and before I put a stop to it she even asked him to spend the night at his place when it was convenient for her (she lives 80 km away from him). He likes her company but it´s also like he feels sorry for her and flattered that she still fancies him or loves him or whatever she tells him. Since we broke up in November he has seen her much less for my sake, and when he does he hides it from me because he knows it hurts me and I kind of asked him. I couldn´t stand it, everytime they went out (I really don´t think it´s normal to drive 80 km just to catch a movie with an ex) I just cried all day, had insomnia and nightmares. Do you find this normal? I don´t want him to hide things from me either, that´s not the kind of relationship I would like to have.

This isn´t the only problem we have, our relationship is stressful by nature because we live in different countries, speak different languages and have no short-term plans to live together because he has a young son - another thing which is hard for me to accept, especially because he thinks I have to deal with his ex-wife and her parents in a day-to-day basis. She even still had the key to his flat some months ago, and would still have it if it weren´t for me - she was a bitch to him too. Believe me, I´m not just thrashing my boyfriend´s exs. They both had affairs and lied to him for a period. Why do I have to go through this? I love him and he loves me and that should help solve any problem but it´s not that simple.

Nevertheless, I do think the right thing to do right after a break-up is to break all ties.

Take care all of you, and good luck! Feel free to write if you want to.

Olivia