Olivia

My boyfriend IS single!!! I mean we both were until we started our relationship. And of course I don´t have to tell you I can´t choose who to love. What I can choose is not to accept people who disrespect me, whoever they are. By the way, I don´t expect my boyfriend to socialize with my ex. But you have a different opinion, no problem.

My boyfriedn´s ex-wife isn´t a part of his family. She could be if she had respected him and if she was able to respect his new partner. Since this isn´t the case, I don´t have to have her in my life.

is give her (and yourself) some time. Pushing her won´t make things any easier, it might driver away. If you are meant to be together, you will in the end. Olivia

I´ve been together with my foreign boyfriend for 15 months, but we try to see each other every 2 months. The Internet helps a lot! The first 9 months were the hardest, now I can deal with the distance quite well. You just have to learn to be happy with what you have, enjoy the good stuff, keep yourself busy and go out with friends, and if possible make plans for the future. I confess my situation is a bit complicated, I have no short-term plans, maybe we won´t live together for the next 10 years, but as Ally McBeal said, "the alternative is too unthinkable", and what can I do? I am happy right now. If things change in the future, if I´m too unhappy without him and have no perspective of being with him, I may have to choose to be alone. All the best! Olivia

Hi, I´m asking for some support because I´ve been thinking too much about this subject and it´s making me unhappy. I have been together with my boyfriend for 15 months in a long-distance relationship (different countries, different language). The first 9 months were very hard, but now I am happy and can deal with the distance. He has been married and has a small child, and he divorced the kid´s mother because she was having an affair. She is still living with her lover from that time. Fortunately I don´t see her much because my boyfriend visits me more than I do him, but when I do she isn´t always nice to me, and my boyfriend agrees that she´s not a nice person. In the beginning he said his only concern was that she was a good mother for the kid and that we wouldn´t socialize with her. The problem is he is very easy-going and kind, and I´m afraid he´s changing his mind. He always tried to get along with because of the child, and I agree with that, but it´s very hard for me to listen to him on the phone with her or see him treating her like a friend, telling her about his and our life, like he forgot the things she did to him. And lately it seems they´re even closer. I´m afraid to raise the subject because he always has the excuse of the child´s welfare, but I wish he had more self-respect and also protected me more from his past life. He can´t understand my point of view. I´m afraid we´ll just argue and that he´ll make me an ultimatum and we´ll break up. We get along so well and are such good friends! But we are very different in some points. Nevertheless, I have decided I have to talk to him about this because I´m losing sleep and feel like I have a ball in my stomach. I just have to be careful with what I say - but I should tell him how I feel, and ask him if he has changed his mind. Last year we went away on a weekend with two other couples with his child and their children and later I learned that she had been invited too, and for him it would be ok! I don´t want those people in our life! I hate it when he asks me "Do you accept that I have a child or not?" - of course I don´t like it one bit, and I can´t understand how such an intelligent man decided to have a child he wasn´t sure he wanted with someone who didn´t make him happy, but this is a stupid question because I don´t have a choice. About the mother, who was dishonest to him and seems to be jealous of me (so he says too), there are limits. I feel like I have to live according to his arrangements with his ex. What do you think? Am I being immature, refusing to accept things that for me are humiliating? Olivia

Those people don´t respect others and don´t deserve your respect and your time.

I really think he should have been honest from the first. I wouldn´t trust him either after a betrayal like that. I know it´s hard, but you should keep your self-respect and look for someone who´ll respect you too. You love him now, or you´re in love with him since after all he turned out to be someone different from who you loved, but in the long run you´ll probably feel better if you stand up for yourself. Take care. Olivia

Hi Nicole! I know it´s easy for me to talk, but if you feel so unhappy about this you owe yourself to do something. After all, you´re the most important person in the world and you have to try to be happy. Tell him what you feel, at least you´ll have some kind of reaction from him. The worst thing that can happen is that he tells you he isn´t interested (which, from what his family said, he won´t) and maybe your friendship will get awkward for a while, but in that case it would be best for you not to see him for some time anyway, so you can get over him. Be brave, you´ll feel a lot better. You don´t need to be crying all the time. Take care. Olivia

Hi Burkarg! I can only tell you what I know works for me and what I hear from my friends. I only started masturbating at 21, I had tried before but didn´t feel anything (a friend of mine who´s 29 has started trying recently and can´t feel pleasure either, I guess it´s different from a person to another). It was a boyfriend who kind of taught me how to do it (doing it himself). So it might help if your friend has had sex before, if she knows what she likes in bed. But I also know girls who masturbated when they were still virgins. Knowing your body, loving it, learning what gives you pleasure is wonderful and very good for your sex life. For me, it doesn´t have to do with penetration, and I could never do it in the shower. Sometimes I use baby oil for lubricant and I just stimulate my clitoris with my finger. Tell your friend to read some erotic stories I hope this helps. Olivia

Sometimes I tell a guy about some problem I have that upsets me and I can do nothing about and he says "don´t think about it". I wish I could, but it´s not that easy for me. I think too much, I get stressed, I lose sleep. You know women have a tendency to worry a lot, and I spend most of my time alone (working) so I have lots of time to think. But I´m a cheerful person, I don´t usually mope around. So I was wondering if you guys had some hints for me. Please tell me how you do it. It´s maybe also some handicap of mine because I don´t forgive easily, I can´t forget bad things people do to me and I just want to write them off, which in some cases is difficult. I can´t pretend and I´m sorry because I would have a lot to gain if I could be socially cynical like most people. But that would be a whole different post. How do I stop thinking about things I can´t change? I seem to carry a lot of dead weight and every time something new happens all the old luggage regarding that subject comes back and haunts me for days and nights. Am I crazy? Thanks for listening. Olivia

Hi guys! I´ve been in a long-distance relationship for 1 year but I think we broke up via email a couple of hours ago - I´m not sure if we are still going to work things out and I don´t know if we should. He would only try to make me ultimatums, pushing me to take the decision, and he ask me what I want, but I can only say I want to be happy, I´m not sure how we can do it. This is the second time we break up because he insists on going out with his ex-girlfriend (who is after him but of course he can´t see that), and the first time our relationship came out stronger - but it was never my intention to bluff, although it did occur to me I might get good results out of it. I do believe he´s faithful to me but this girl has really been a bitch to him and the fact that he has forgiven her and allowed her back into his life makes me respect him less. She keeps calling him and before I put a stop to it she even asked him to spend the night at his place when it was convenient for her (she lives 80 km away from him). He likes her company but it´s also like he feels sorry for her and flattered that she still fancies him or loves him or whatever she tells him. Since we broke up in November he has seen her much less for my sake, and when he does he hides it from me because he knows it hurts me and I kind of asked him. I couldn´t stand it, everytime they went out (I really don´t think it´s normal to drive 80 km just to catch a movie with an ex) I just cried all day, had insomnia and nightmares. Do you find this normal? I don´t want him to hide things from me either, that´s not the kind of relationship I would like to have. This isn´t the only problem we have, our relationship is stressful by nature because we live in different countries, speak different languages and have no short-term plans to live together because he has a young son - another thing which is hard for me to accept, especially because he thinks I have to deal with his ex-wife and her parents in a day-to-day basis. She even still had the key to his flat some months ago, and would still have it if it weren´t for me - she was a bitch to him too. Believe me, I´m not just thrashing my boyfriend´s exs. They both had affairs and lied to him for a period. Why do I have to go through this? I love him and he loves me and that should help solve any problem but it´s not that simple. Nevertheless, I do think the right thing to do right after a break-up is to break all ties. Take care all of you, and good luck! Feel free to write if you want to. Olivia

Well really, what have you got to lose? Especially if you think he loves you too. But if you don´t want to expose yourself to a possible rejection you could make a move without pouring your heart out all at once. See how it feels being with him again. And if he doesn´t love you back, it might be good to know so you could try to forget him and move on, or accept that you´re just friends. Nevertheless, don´t forget that sometimes it´s easy to think you still love someone you were involved with, especially if you feel lonely. Good luck! Olivia

I know exactly how you feel, although I have more female friends because I studied literature and just a few guys choose that course. I think that you if you love each other that much you should make an effort to make each other happy while respecting your own and each other´s individuality. About this issue, don´t exhaust it in discussions because it will make your boyfriend even more sensitive to it. Introduce him to your guy friends so he can see for himself there´s nothing to feel insecure about, but also try to find those 2 in 10 girls who are trustworthy because women can be very good friends too. Take care.

My boyfriend and I have a long-distance relationship because we live in different countries, and we´ve been together for 1 year so we´ve already dealt with the normal issues that arise in this kind of relationship. I still have my insecurities and little obsessions sometimes but I don´t bother him much anymore, and I´ve learned to enjoy what we have, which is the best we´ve ever known. I live alone and work at home, which doesn´t help because I have lots of time to think about every little thing and turn it into a problem, plus I´m extremely sensitive and maybe a bit complicated, like many women. What I´m struggling with now is the fact that my boyfriend is divorced and has a 3 year old child. I thought I didn´t mind at first, but of course I never saw the kid much, we usually spend the little time we have together on "honeymoons" somewhere in Europe, but our relationship gradually got more serious and my love for him grew so much that I want it to be perfect. I never asked him to leave his kid, but he thought about moving to my country at first and later felt guilty so he kept pointing out that the child was more important than me (even in romantic moments) and that I was the one who had to move to his country. The thing is, I think our relationship is great right now and I´m afraid I wouldn´t adapt aborad, especially because he insists that I see his ex-wife and her parents all the time, and treat them like friends, and I can´t do that. I can see them occasionally, although they´re not even particularly nice to me. But I almost feel angry at the kid, who did nothing wrong. If I told my boyfriend everything I feel he would be very disappointed and would probably leave me. We´ve discussed this subject but it´s like we´re both banging on a brick wall. He wants me to go with him pick up his kid at his ex-parents-in-law and I see no need for that. It´s already SO hard for me to think that another woman has a child with my boyfriend and that she will always be in his life, why do I have to take her and her family into my life? I think about this a lot, and I know he expects me to change my mind, but I just want to be with him, not his past. This is tearing me apart. Olivia

Hello Nuno! I have a long-distance relationship too but we´re "only" 2000 km apart. We´ve been together for 11 months now and we both believe we have found "the one". We´ve had some issues, our culture and education is very different in some points and sometimes we argue about those things, but at least we can talk about it, and communication is one of the most important things in a relationship. However, since this kind of relationship is already straining, sometimes it´s better to talk to a friend and avoid stressing out our partner. It is very difficult at times, especially for me because I live alone and work at home, so I feel lonely sometimes, but please don´t despair. It is important to have some common goals, talk about the future, but try enjoy what you have, plan your next holiday together, and don´t stay home when she´s not here; go out with friends, find new interests. This way, you´ll keep busy and you´ll have more things to tell her. You can´t place your happiness on her alone, you have to be happy for yourself first. And don´t obsess about the bad things, focus on the good points! All the best. Olivia