I HATE when they hook your heart again...after you're beginning to heal.

[LarsWB]

I've been feeling better as time moves along, most of each day, since starting NC a month or month -1/2 ago....after wife of 16 yrs I was madly in love with - just left one day while I was at work in the beginning of June. Thrust me into single parent role (left kids with me) and destroyed my heart...or at least I thought so at the time. Been using all the healing tools, and doing a good job of it so far I think. I use strict NC and I let HER initiate contact when it comes to the kids. Since starting NC there's been very little of that, and the healing has progressed leaps and bounds.

 

Couple of days ago, after not talking to her for weeks, I get an email out of the blue about our son and one of his Facebook friends. I don't use FB anymore. She starts the email off with a nice greeting to me, something I haven't seen in a long time, and ends with a smiley face. I haven't seen that in a long time either, and I know her well enough to know she wouldn't do that if she wasn't thinking fondly of me or missed me...emails from her in the past, especially when I was needy, begging, and a doormat trying to get her to return - were very bland, quick, and emotionless. Now that I'm stronger and not available for her, they've changed.

 

End of the email, she puts "I hope you are well" and signs her name with a 'pet' name I had for her. MAN did that ever hook my f-ing heart again. I'm back to weeks ago it seems. I replied with an upbeat, funny, silly email about our son, very short, and ended with 'take care'...nothing more.

Since that email, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her...I mean, I married her for a reason...and I've been with her for 16 years. I was trying to get over her, and was doing great - but now I miss her again. I don't NEED her, but I MISS so much about her. I try SO HARD every day to NOT miss her, not think about her...and this STUPID little thing managed to pierce me like this....I can't believe a woman has such power when it comes to my heart.

 

Was she needing an ego stroke? Probably. I didn't give it to her. Months ago I would have written back with love love and more love. Now I know better! I'm stronger and healed WAY beyond what I thought I would be at this point.

She might be missing me, I don't know...but until she TELLS me that - I'm still moving forward.

Thanks for listening!

[snoopydog]

Honestly I don't want to get your hopes up but I think there is a decent chance at some stage you could reconcile. 16 years is so much history. However it may be dependant on you changing yourself in some way, perhaps bettering your career, and also, a reconciliation could still be years away.

 

In the meantime keep moving forward. You never know what or who is around the corner.

[floridagirlal]

First, what were her reasons for leaving? Did you have any idea that there were problems in the relationship? Why would she leave in such a sneaky way?

 

I realize that you love her (as anyone would after 16 years together) but why would you allow her to manipulate you with a sweet email? She's probably testing the waters to see if you'll still run back to her begging her to come back. Doesn't that make you a little angry? Are you mad at all that she didn't give you enough courtesy or respect or have enough guts to talk to you to your face?

[floridagirlal]

I just went back and read through your other posts and I know your story a little better now.

 

I'm curious still...Do you actually want her back or are you focused more on moving forward? Either way, I applaud you for staying strong. No matter what happens, you must continue to be your own independent, strong person that is not looking for another person to fulfill them. We all WANT another person to be a part of our lives but we must not make another person RESPONSIBLE for that happiness. I'm guilty of this but try to be better everyday! Once you know that you can be fulfilled by yourself, you will be able to invite your wife or another woman into your life to share with them.

[Intruder]

Hi Lars, this would be a good post to put in the big thread where John, Lost, SurfJon and a few others may have some thoughts. Those guys helped me weed through alot of crap like that.

 

Hang tough.

 

Mike

[Hell_On_Heels]

Hi Lars,

Been following your posts here. I have a lot of admiration for you and how you are handling this. I imagine it really was a huge stab to the heart to see her sign off with your pet name for her. I'm sorry for that.

 

I wanted to say that I'm not sure denying your natural emotions is a good thing. Of course you miss her, who wouldn't? Of course you think about her. I'm not convinced that healing is caused by a refusal to think about them, love them, or miss them. To me, it's more about admitting those feelings, and alloting time frames to process them. Maybe yours is a hour before bed every night, or only full moon Thursdays, I don't know. (grin). We do have to move forward with our lives, but this is a process. It's not so abrupt.

 

Good job on responding lightly to her, and not addressing what she said. You're right. If she wants to reconcile, she will let you know. I don't know if she needed an ego stroke, or if she genuinely misses you, too. When I left my husband of 13 years, I missed him so much. My reasons for leaving were different. He knew what they were, and knew I had no choice. But we talked on the phone a LOT, and were very open about how we missed each other. He did reach a point where he couldn't take that any more, and had to stop the loving parts of our conversation. We still talked for hours every week about the kids, friends, family, our lives, etc. It cut me to the core that we couldn't be openly loving any more, but he was right to cut that off. Neither of us would've healed if we'd kept at it. We didn't need it anyway - we never doubted our love for each other.

 

I'm not sure why I wrote that. (wry grin). You're doing a good job with your NC or LC. I hope you are able to cry this out, and feel better in a day or two.

[Carus]

I'm not convinced that healing is caused by a refusal to think about them, love them, or miss them. To me, it's more about admitting those feelings, and alloting time frames to process them. Maybe yours is a hour before bed every night, or only full moon Thursdays, I don't know. (grin). We do have to move forward with our lives, but this is a process. It's not so abrupt.

Another good quote from the great Hell_On_Heels*....For a lady in pain she sure has a head on her shoulders ((Heels))

I totally agree....Healing a leg or arm is a process and must be done properly otherwise you run the risk of it coming back to bite you later in cold weather etc...Same goes for the heart*

 

I've followed you from the start too Brother Lars* and I too commend you for your strength through such a hellish event*

 

Now listen, my ex jumped straight from me to another guy and they are still together to this day....But for MONTHS I got little tidbits like that....

 

My mistake (or learning curve I guess) was that I was always there for her, comforting her in the false hopes that she really was missing me and about to do the 180*.....Boy was I wrong!! Like I said, they are still together....last I heard anyway....

 

What she is doing is known in the psyche world as 'Triangulating'......In times of doubt and solace she will turn to you. Once she has her fix she will just run off to continue the fun times of her honeymoon stage with the new idio...er...guy....

 

And yes, it hooks the heart and rips it open again every friggin time....

 

As the others have said, she MAY be starting to crack as 16 years is a lifetime of history not easily brushed aside nor forgotten....

 

I know you would dearly love to have her back and have your family back to how things were before the train ran off the rails into the bush, but stay strong a little while longer mate...The wisest words in your post are these:

She might be missing me, I don't know...but until she TELLS me that - I'm still moving forward.

I'm so glad to hear you say that because my ex reached over and re-lit that candle of False Hopes over and over and dragged me under the bus for wayyyy longer than was nessecary....Until finally I was able to accept she wasnt coming back and get the hell outta there....

 

Sending You Strength Buddy* We're all here for you...that's one thing she does not have*

 

Ever Forward

K2* 8)

[Intruder]

The more I think about this, and alot of the stories people tell me, it's only natural the WAS reaches out at some point, especially with the holidays coming up. They walk away from us, and at some point, no matter what fantasy they live in, they have to think about the past at some point.

 

I'm in a easier position, my wife hasn't even attempted to contact me, and she probably never will, but play it cool and see what happens.

 

Funny thing is, I still think of my wife as a caring, beautiful person, and that's not who she is anymore (not to me anyway), and it sounds like you may feel a little of the same.

 

Best of luck.

 

Mike

[Hell_On_Heels]

(((((((( Kalgan )))))))) Thank you. That made me feel good.

[LarsWB]

Thanks everyone for your replies...it does help to come here and post, to talk and get it out. My energy this weekend is just in the weirdest place imaginable. I've been SO strong lately but today I'm a mess. All of your words are comforting and helpful.

Hanging in there, like I have been for a long time...I guess I wasn't ready for a setback. I'll work through it. What's different about this time is that I DIDN'T email, txt or call her....I didn't write her a 3 page letter. I've held it together, and that's progress! I'm nowhere near healed yet but getting there.

Thanks again, all of you.

floridagirlal, her leaving was strange....this time last year, she practically hated me....I realized I was losing her, and I didn't want to lose her, so I started changing my behavior, my life, mind body spirit and soul...everything about me...I went back to the person she met 16 years ago in every way shape and form. It had an amazing affect...she opened back up to me, we started getting along better than we had in probably 10 years...it was incredible. At one point in May, she said 'I love you' to me...unprompted. That blew my mind because I never thought I'd hear it again and hadn't heard it in a long time. I realized then that I had sort of 'rediscovered' her...I was back in love with her. We started getting closer and things were looking good...and then the beginning of June, I came home from work and she was gone. That very morning we had coffee, laughed, and talked like we did most mornings. She gave me a wonderful hug that morning as I left for work...and a kiss. That's what hurts so much....if she had left me a year earlier, or 6 months earlier...or hated me that day she DID leave, I don't know....maybe I'd feel different....but her actions for the months up till that day told me that she loved me. There was no doubt in my mind that our relationship was healing - the blow of her leaving is incredible because I had opened up to her so much in the months up until that day. I had NEVER been so open and vulnerable, in my entire life. Even her own family doesn't know why she left. She lives in a room at her Father's house. Has been there for 4 months.

I was lucky in a way - I changed everything about me and those changes stuck, even now after she's gone. There's a lot more to the story, but I hate even talking about it because it's the past..it's not real. I can't change it. I've spent months going over it and over it and can't do that anymore. I have to be strong and live right now, today, because I have a son living with me who depends on me. Yeah, she left the kids too.

I wish to god and universe that I didn't love her so much...but I do and if this didn't change it I don't know if anything ever will. I was never the kind of person to fall in love, but I did...once. To her.

Good day all...

[VinnieMarlboro]

Hey Lars

 

You're doing good mate, stay strong - that's the best advice I(and we all) can give.

 

It seems as though you've had your 2nd chance, like me, and for her it didn't work. I'm good for a while and then slip back into pittsville where I dip back into negative feelings.

 

Little things remind me of her everyday. I have to rise above that and continue on. By no means is this easy and I am far from successful at it.

We seem to be on a similar timeframe here - 15 yrs together and 4 months on from 2nd go.

 

I have dealt with or come to terms with my future with out her, but it still hurts and I still miss her. We had our best interaction for months the other day, which finished with a genuine smile from her, then I even got a laugh later on in a phonecall. I have broken a 40 day LC. Still getting rejected on doing anything with me. She has moved on (I think) she has a new guy(still wont admit it tho).

 

I dont know about you Lars, but when we separated, it took 2 years to get myself in a position to start getting better. Man it was a hard and tough 2 years and it only finished with an ultimatium to her. Once I received her reply it was full steam ahead, all the pressure on me was released and i started to become a person I really liked again - until the phone call to get back together. I stopped doing what I was doing and went back to the person I was before. Now my objective is to find that person again - how to do that - well........

 

I wish to god and universe that I didn't love her so much...but I do and if this didn't change it I don't know if anything ever will. I was never the kind of person to fall in love, but I did...once. To her.

 

That rings so true to me aswell.

I believe you have to think logically about this. My Ex lied about numerous things - so I try and focus on that(even tho stupid me will forgive her for it - Doh!!!!) but the day will come when I wont forgive her for it. I also think of being her doormat - if she doesnt want to be with me - then dont be. I'm not going to pander to all of her needs whilst none of mine are going to be met - that aint love my friend. My ex's parents have a dreadful relationship. Her mother is very domineering( poor Dad - the nicest bloke you will ever meet) has been henpecked to a state of existence and that's all. He has no life of his own as it is completley controlled by her. That's where i do not want to be - regardless of who I am with.

A story was related to me at work the other day - it was a adult telling the story of when their father died and what the mother said - it was along the lines of -' I dont think I will miss him much as over time we grew apart and we didnt really know each other anyway' ie - it was a marriage for convience in the end where neither party was happy - is that how we want to end up?

 

I can see this coming accross as anti women - I do realise that this can go both ways where the male dominates the female in the same way.

 

I know, from reading stories here, and being close myself, that you will find your inner self and inner happiness. Once you achieve this you may well look back and say how much you did love her, but this is really the best thing that has ever happened to you. Relationships fail for a reason - Time will give you the ability to reflect and see that it was not right for you.

 

It is hard to hear this, I too had 15 years which now seems wasted, but i have 3 of the best kids, my health, my friends and the most important thing - myself!

[sadchick83]

Lars,

 

I always enjoyed readling your posts. They are all so logical and "to the point." You should be proud of yourself for handling your situation. Most of us have just broken up with a girl/boyfriend. You actually have a wife and kids to consider.

It is so true, as soon as you do full NC, regardless of the tenure of the relationship, the other person completely changes their tune when the first exchanges of communication occur. It happened to me as well.

 

I would not tell you what to do as you are a guru of this sort of thing, but I am curious as to what you will do? How will you display yourself?

[LarsWB]

Vinnie - man, you are a godsend when I need one the most...not kidding. Everything you say to me resonates like you wouldn't believe, and I thank you for it - an eternity of gratitude to you, my friend.

sadchick - thanks for you kind words...and I'm not sure what I will do at this point. Thinking about the future is difficult, for now, so I just don't. I work constantly on keeping myself in the 'now'...in the moment...luckily plenty of reading about Buddhism and such over the years is helping! I guess at this point, I just 'live'...take care of my son... and do all the things I'm doing. Art, weight lifting, hiking, etc. and like Vinnie said - try to keep my head up. I've discovered that I'm waiting for her to make the next move I suppose, whether it be divorce, talking to me about 'us', or doing nothing at all and letting time pass......I mean - I live in our house, I have the convertible Saab, I have my son here...my daughter is in college - but her room is here so she comes to visit, and my son and I go visit her...my wife is too far away to do that without flying...I ended up with everything, which is NOT how I expected it to turn out. So I just live.

My immediate goals are just to make it through the holidays....after that, don't know. I date some, but I'm so paralyzed emotionally....I guess that'll heal with time. My female friends are sweet to me, but I feel like an empty shell most of the time...can't feel anything....yet, anyways.

I do wish you all the best - nobody should have to feel this kind of pain...but it happens. I'm glad I can help people and that people are there when I need to vent! Please be good to yourselves.

[Intruder]

Fight the good fight, I often wonder what my reponse would be if my wife showed any interest in even talking to me.

 

It's not going to happen, but in a way, I just wish that she would show something that she wanted to come home.

[VinnieMarlboro]

Hey Lars

 

I think you should sound her out. I know this goes against all advice here on the forum, but I believe you(and me) are in different situations to most here. You have a long history with this lady. Have a plan of what you want to ask her, do it in a very non threatening way, keep calm(extremely important - do not let it get out of control and into a slanging match - keep your composure and be preapred for the worst answers) and in person if you can. Ask her questions pertaining to her feelings and how she feels now. Dont argue with her, just accept what she has to say. I dont know the circumstances of why she left(you prob dont either). Is this just a break or a break up - there's a massive difference there and for me, if I realised this, it would of saved an enormous amount of pain and suffering for the 5 people I care about the most.

 

My ex has said the 2nd go gave her the closure she needed and the divorce papers are supposed to give me closure. However, I still feel like I have unfinished business. The pull of my family is so strong and this is what I can not overcome, but somehow I must. All logical thinking suggests I should just walk away but my heart just will not give up. Sometimes I wish I was a heartless bastard and say 'to hell with this'.

 

I also believe you should focus on your future. One day you will be happy. It gives you something to strive for rather than living the moment which is clouded in pain and suffering - you have look forward to something. Time will eventually heal your wounded heart and you will love again. This is all about making you a better person. I hate to use one of her quotes but 'baby steps' are the way to go.

Short term future goals - mowing the lawn, walking everyday, cleaning the bathroom etc - do them without question and accomplish something, and look at it that way - you have accomplished something. Take the Nike slogan to a new level - Just do it!

Medium term - holiday with the kids, build a pergola, birdhouse, go see the falcons etc plan it with the kids. Reward yourself and them with something you all like.

Long term - buy a house(she's in the family home and this really is years away for me), overseas holiday, new car(if you can bear to trade the Saab in) - it doesnt even matter if you achieve these - along as you are shooting for something.

 

As a couple you had a life plan - it is no different now for yourself. The best part now is you have 100% control.

 

God and the Universe. I'm not a very spiritual individual, logic rules my world. I did read in great post here the other day about believing in something that is not tangible. Keeping the faith, whatever that may be for you. The universe will look after those who look after themselves - good things happen to good people. something good is coming your way Lars - believe that.

 

Patience, Patience and more Patience. This is the key to alot of our problems here. I have a theory on people based on the moon landing. Those born before it, seem to have an abundance of patience, those born after it, want everything right now and thus have no patience. The world has changed and we are all looking for a quick fix these days - regardless of what it is. This where we need to learn from our elders and master the art of patience. We all want to fully recover from emtional distress right now and why not it hurts. But it takes time - we have to be patient. If we could view our emotional hurt as a physical wound, it would be far easier to come to terms with the time frame required to mend this infliction.

 

And to sadchick - please add your input - you have 35 years of experince on which to base your opinions on - they are most welcome.

[sadchick83]

MEEEE???? WHAAT? I almost jumped when I saw this last sentence!!

 

You know what I did today? Had an $85 dollar tennis lesson (robbery I know, but it was as good a s*E*X). I also bought 3 books:

 

Women Who Think Too Much

The Power of Now

&

The Law of Attraction.

 

Women who think too much, I think, can also apply to men. My best friend's boyfriend is wired exactly like me. This book describes me to a T. I have just started reading them, but WWTTM & The Power of Now, both highlight that people who spent too much time fretting about the past (problems etc) are sabotaging their future happiness.

 

Vinnie, you give great advice about making short medium and long term goals. Thinking too much cases loads of problems. Setting up some goals is a great distraction. People who over think take much longer to get over death, natural disasters, and break ups. I am an overthinker and I'm going to try to get better. There are exercises one can do.

 

Hey, what do I know. My ex in the last week of our relationship: yelled at me, called me a retard because I kindly asked him to close his car door (of my car), after giving him an Ipad for his birthday yelled: "TAKE IT BACK AND NEVeR COOK ME A MEAL AGAIN"

Then left our house for 3 days of a long weekend.

 

WHen he returned, he found I had changed the locks.

 

So what do I know????

[VinnieMarlboro]

Where are you up to sadchick - I re read some of your posts, but can you fill us in on whats been happening lately? It seems like he was just using you. Maybe let him go and figure out what he wants and get back in contact with you, but be prepared as his behaviour towards you does not sound like it was of someone in love with you.

 

I also re read this post. we've sort of got of track.

 

Its really about the control that the ex has over you. The signals she is sending you. I'm sticking with the patience.

Be patient and be strong. I know this is a contradiction, but I would still sound her out. Dont pressure her into getting back together - that's not the objective right now, it is more of a finding out where she is and where you stand with her. This will help you in finding closure. You then can ignore all the smiley faces, pet names etc.

 

I've broken my NC with her, and I know where I stand(no smiley faces or pet names here). This is helping me to let her go. I still feel she has not let me go fully and wants to keep me as an option - this option from my perspective is about to expire. I've turned a corner and am beginning to regain control of myself. My attitude is changing to the - If you dont want to be with me, then dont. Its her choice, she is a smart, intellligent, educated lady - she's made her choice and she can live with that. I can not control what she is doing, saying, let alone thinking. I can only control me.

 

I'm not chasing anymore, done it for almost 3 years and still got zip - I've had enough. If she wants me then she can summon the courage to contact me. The hardest thing for me was being myself when I'm in contact with her - the control she had over me was suffocating. I tried to please her, now its going to be please myself. If she likes it, great - if she dont, so be it. Viva La Nonchalance!

 

I still think, Lars you and me, are in a similar postion. What if she did ring for reconcillation - what would you do?

 

I was asked at work today that very question. My reply ' I really dont think I would take her back now'. I still love her deeply, miss her terribly - I just dont think I could do it.

[sadchick83]

Vinnie,

 

Thank you so much for asking about me. I haven't posted to much lately because my Dad is really sick- sort of took place 2 weeks after the breakup. Then I had to purchase his house, to bail him out financially, so I've had a hard/emotional week.

 

I guess with my ex, you can look at it in different ways. He was living with me --sometimes paying his share of the rent /food, for a while he was not paying enough, however, he hand built me a closet that would have cost me $10k, so he made up for it in the end....it just took a while.

 

I guess from my posts he does look like a user. He was better the year before he started his own business. He had it really good with me. I cook daily, made his lunch, dinner, massaged him at night as he came home exhausted and sore. We loved travel- went to Hawaii, Arizona, camping, played golf, tennis, really got into eating healthy.

 

I guess the posts are for complaining...you don't her to much of the upside of things...

 

Anyway, after he was a * * * * * , I changed the locks. I would like to entertain a reconciliation, but I dont know if I have the patience like you guys...how do you guys do it??

 

Vinnie, you and Lars are warriors at this game. Any suggestions for an overthinking chick? We are in light contact. He somewhat agreed to consider a reconciliation. He even suggested to wait..he said he would be celibate, just to maintain our friendship until he gets his S*hI*t in order.

 

I know he recently went through all his savings, and is just starting to build back up financially.

 

IS this true:

 

"Men have 2 basic needs neither of them, no matter what they say is sex. They need love and they need work. If a woman could know one fact about men and work, it should be that work is the most seductive mistress most men will ever have."

 

- Dr Joyce Brothers

[woodst0ck]

Hi Lars,

 

Your post struck a particular chord with me as I'm in a somewhat similar position to yourself. My Ex walked out after 21 years together and it was pretty much out of the blue. The big exception to your case is that my wife was with someone else 5 days later. I will never forget that night she said she was going and just walked out and the pain was nothing like I could ever have imagined. That was almost nine months ago. I've moved on as best as I can and like you, am now much more like the person I was so many years ago... although I'd like to think a lot wiser

 

Now I find myself much stronger and I also that I no longer need her.... but I still miss her, like crazy. I still feel like my heart has has been ripped out of my chest as I don't seem to have much in the way of emotions but I suppose it's a self protection thing. Although I never initialize contact, she still contacts me on a weekly basis and although she always asks how I'm doing, I never reply with any personal information as the second part of her mails always want me to do something for her (usually to do with one of her websites). I don't know whether I'm dealing with her in the right way but at least I'm no longer a victim. I wish I had some answers for you but I at least wanted you to know there are others going through it as well.

 

ps. If you do find any answers, please let me know and I'll do the same

[VinnieMarlboro]

IS this true:

 

"Men have 2 basic needs neither of them, no matter what they say is sex. They need love and they need work. If a woman could know one fact about men and work, it should be that work is the most seductive mistress most men will ever have."

 

Yeah tend to agree with that. I find reading the posts here an awful lot of realationships break down when the male is not working. I too for a period of time(3 months) before the break up was unemployed. I had my own business, sold it, then sat back for a while(was the stay at home dad). It drove me insane not working. We lived in a small town (I'm a ex chef now) and I didnt really need to work - she earnt enough to keep us a float. I then got a job so we could borrow more to move. Thats when things really went downhill as we never seen each other, she was working days and I was working nights. She got lonely.... I guess you can see where this is heading! She slowly stopped having feelings(withdrew) from me and in a way I sensed it and became insecure - the rest they say is history.

 

For a man his work is a large part of who he is. This is where I have changed. I used to be so proud I was a chef - worked in some top notch joints, and it was impressive to all, but to those around me - my family, as they were the ones who sacrificed themselves to allow me to do it. It was a tough, non compromising profession. Sometimes 80 hours a week in the kitchen - not much time nor energy left to expend on the family. I reckon the number of 40+ yo chefs who still had a family was less than 2%. I can really only remember 4 who were still married. I worked in numerous places with alot of people. I now just work behind a bar, straight shifts, 30-40 hours a week, no stress. I'm not even a supervisor - all bar 1 of the supers are 10 years younger than me - but hey- I dont care! I have a chance now to live a life. This really hurts with my family as never before have I had as much time and energy to spend with and on them. I felt a duty of care to be in the kitchen, which far outweighed the duty of care to my family - thus here I am.

 

Also love and sex are 2 different things to me - I cant just go out and pick up and have sex. I NEED that emotional attachment. I think this is where men differ nowadays and this is part of the changing world in which we live, as it seems now that more and more women are doing this. It is becoming more socially acceptable for women to do this as the stigma of being called a * * * * is not what it once was. They are recognising their sexual needs, having them fulfilled without having to be in a relationship. This is a very general statement and by no means do I mean to offend anyone here. It is still each to their own.

 

Back to you - that's good of him. Just get on with your life and if he joins you so be it, if not you will be in a much better place anyway. This may be the wake up call he needed. But let him do it by himself - he needs that. Dont push him into anything and let him seek out help for himself.

 

As for being a warrior - far far from it. Was just thinking the other day how un-manly I have been throughout this ordeal. I have no choice but to get up and go to work everyday - cause no one is going to help me! I go through stages, just like Lars and everyone else. I have been getting stronger - but still no where near where I want to be. As I said before, I have turned a corner, today(another lie last night helped me). I have been unable to put her out of my thought processes. I did do this a few months ago until our much maligned recon. I'm still in pain, but know there is a way out - I'm trying to focus on what got me out of it before -but it still takes time and patience. The key is not to beat yourself up - forget your mistakes, we all make them. Dont worry what the ex thinks, its what you think that matters. Stay true to yourself and be honest with yourself. We all perceive ourselves to be perfect - you aint! find things you are not happy about with yourself and work on them and I dont mean your top spin backhand(lol). You will find your Nirvana(as I like to call it - I think the buddist's stole that 1 from me) true inner peace and happiness - and you'll be very surprised at what does come your way.

 

Lars redefined himself before, so have I. We have that it common aswell. It can and will happen. Here's a quote - being an over thinker think about this -

'Change will only occur - when the pain you are experiencing outweighs the pain to change'

 

I have posted that before. Be intrested to hear your thoughts on that 1.

[sadchick83]

Thank you for your analysis Vinnie,

 

Yes my guy has just started hi own construction company, go rid of his partner earlier in the year for stealing. He is working 7 days a week 12 hours a day. He prices jobs too low, that ends up with little to no profit.

 

When we had dinner/sleepover last Saturday he did say he wanted to try again. So, I can wait for a while. I was very supportive of his work when we were living together, but now that we are not. It is hard to rekindle something. He also needs like 10 hours of sleep a night!

 

Its hard to wait...I mean I am not waiting per say, but until he makes a profit, I think his self esteem will be down. I was like your ex Vinnie, I paid for almost everything. I dont really care about money. I just work and make it...I was becoming resentful at the end because not only was I paying, he was becoming increasingly grumpy.

 

Regarding :

 

'Change will only occur - when the pain you are experiencing outweighs the pain to change'

 

Hmmm...interesting quote. Generally I am not one to find myself in pain. I am a planner by nature, and ex military Officer. I excelled in the combat arms because unlike the men, I had no issues with criticism, and changed accordingly, I changed before there was a crisis...at least most of the time.

 

What's your specialty dish Vinnie?

[VinnieMarlboro]

Yes my guy has just started hi own construction company, go rid of his partner earlier in the year for stealing. He is working 7 days a week 12 hours a day. He prices jobs too low, that ends up with little to no profit.

That isnt going to get him anywhere. He needs to learn its a business and it needs to make a profit. I'd probably tell him that. Stop quoting to low, if he gets the job he ges it, if not, find another.

 

My ex didnt pay for everything. I had money from the sale of the business. I worked and put her through Uni so one day we could have a better family life. She's a school teacher now. So we followed her career after it took off as it was in the best interests of our family. She now still has it (and a great wage)and I'm back to basically minimum wages, unless I go back into the kitchen, which I dont want to do. Burnt out - I really have lost the desire/passion to cook professionally.

 

I do a great Carbonara and my sauces were something special!

 

The pain quote is essentially for those who are experiencing pain from their heartache. I view it like this - basically it is up to you to change your way of thinking(moving on). This will only happen when you have had enough of the way you are feeling about the BU. Only you can change the way you feel. If you are not prepared to change, then you will sit there in the misery of the BU for far to long. You have to find the motivation to change, then act accordingly.

 

Got to go to work, have a lovely day.

[sadchick83]

[quote=VinnieMarlboro;4482896

 

I do a great Carbonara and my sauces were something special!

 

The pain quote is essentially for those who are experiencing pain from their heartache. I view it like this - basically it is up to you to change your way of thinking(moving on). This will only happen when you have had enough of the way you are feeling about the BU. Only you can change the way you feel. If you are not prepared to change, then you will sit there in the misery of the BU for far to long. You have to find the motivation to change, then act accordingly.

 

.

 

I love carbonara!!!

I love this quote now too...I get it! Im sick of being sad. I hope I keep feeling better!