what to do when they just fade away...

[abnyc]

second time around , he ended it last year, came back after 9 months.

things were great all summer -- then he fell into a deep depression about being out of work and some family issues. he's very low right now for real reasons. in any case about a month ago he stopped seeing me often and texts got fewer and fewer. I gave it a week and confronted him on what was going on, he said he wasn't sociallizing at all with anyone and just wanted to be left alone at home. so i gave him space. he texted/emailed with a bit more frequency but stopped asking me out to do things.

 

i wrote him an email last week stating that i needed some answer in when we would see each other again, i said i wanted to be there for him but he wasn't letting me in. He did not respond to that email -- but sent me another 5 days later to say that he had lost his phone and needed my number again. he's emailed a few times since then to just talk about random stuff but has not brought up us or meeting up.

 

are we broken up? what is going on? i'm so confused. I started NC today just because i dont know what else to do. should i wait out his depression? (i know from friends in the area that he has not been out at all, he is telling the truth about that).

[b0yer]

Thats a tough situation. You should try and initiate to get him out of the house and do something. Ask him to go over an watch a movie or something? If he says no, then I would wait it out and go NC.

[SapphireNoir10]

Hes obviously retreated into his own world, doesnt sound like he wants to end it, but doesnt sound like he wants to be with you either. I think Nc is a good plan.

[Oneironaut]

I would be very, very concerned about him. Withdrawing from society to that degree isn't emotionally healthy, and is a pretty clear sign of serious depression. I would leave him alone, but perhaps continue talking to his friends who can keep an eye on him.

[Pontius]

If you care about him you'll keep trying. As a man who has spent the past five years in a deep and deeper depression, it's the people who make the effort who make the difference. I'm not always available but I do know the people who tried, even when they couldn't possibly empathize.

[abitbroken]

He has given you a very clear answer with his reluctant contact and has told you that he doesn't want to socialize or isn't socializing. You seem to feel that it is your right to help him out. But he doesn't want help. He wants to be alone. I think that this may just be his pattern and if you are satisfied waiting around for someone who may disappear for months at a time, that is your perogative, but I would move on. I dealt with someone like that once and ultimately decided that I refuse to let him drag me down or make me feel unworthy. Right now, he can't promise you when he will see you again because I bet he doesn't feel he can deliver. He can't be what you need him to be for you right now.

 

I do not doubt that it helps when people make an effort like Pontius says, but you do need to decide what your expectations are for a relationship and it doesn't mean that you have to stay on hold to be a girlfriend whether he comes around next week or in a year. If this is not what you want in a boyfriend and a potential life partner, then stop the merry go round. You can still be his friend if you really wish because that is really what you are now. But it doesn't sound healthy for you to be more. There ARE people who get depressed and I am not saying depressed people can't be in relationships but there are depressed people who verbalize it and let people in, and there are people who withdraw. It is not up to you to solve his problems and it seems to trouble you that you aren't right in there with him. I think him ending it and being gone for 9 months before speaks a lot.

 

I learned that if someone you love is going through problems then support them, but if you aren't compatible and things have been off and on, the relationship for whatever reason just isn't a go. And also, the support that he needs might not what you want to give in a relationship and that is not fair to you. He may just be someone who is emotionally unavaibale and you may have to accept that

[lia86]

If you care about him you'll keep trying. As a man who has spent the past five years in a deep and deeper depression, it's the people who make the effort who make the difference. I'm not always available but I do know the people who tried, even when they couldn't possibly empathize.

 

Wow, I completely disagree with this. He's not a victim. It sucks that he's depressed, but you have to think about your own needs too. And having someone just shut off from you like that doesn't sound very fair. It's actually quite childish, selfish and inconsiderate. It's one thing to be depressed, but he's not even COMMUNICATING with you. That's where I'd draw the line, but that's just me.

[Pontius]

Wow, I completely disagree with this. He's not a victim. It sucks that he's depressed, but you have to think about your own needs too. And having someone just shut off from you like that doesn't sound very fair. It's actually quite childish, selfish and inconsiderate. It's one thing to be depressed, but he's not even COMMUNICATING with you. That's where I'd draw the line, but that's just me.

 

He is not a victim? You obviously don't know the first thing about depression. To call the symptoms of depression, "childish, selfish, and inconsiderate" shows a complete inability on your part to empathize with with someone who is unable to function as a normal person might. Pray for yourself that your mind doesn't one day start playing tricks on you, because if your "friends" share your attitude, you are going to be an awfully lonely person.

[lia86]

Victim or not it is unfair for abnyc to be treated like this. Depression sucks, I get it. I'm sure sexual predators, physical abusers, cheaters and alcoholics suffer too, but that doesn't mean the people who are with them have to sit around and be treated like s**t because of it.

 

You can't just lower your self-esteem by accepting unfair treatment from someone just because they are suffering from something that "isn't their fault."

[somegirl30]

Sounds like he needs professional help. Have you suggested that to him? It's hard to go, but he wouldn't regret it in the long run...

[abnyc]

yes i have suggested that, as well as other members of his family. we haven't had contact for 3 days now, as one of the posters said above, its not fair to me to be treated (ignored) like this for this amount of time. if he cared about me on any level he would make time for me, even if it was a cup of coffee or coming over to watch a movie. he has real issues but he sees the world oppositely.

[Pontius]

Victim or not it is unfair for abnyc to be treated like this. Depression sucks, I get it. I'm sure sexual predators, physical abusers, cheaters and alcoholics suffer too, but that doesn't mean the people who are with them have to sit around and be treated like s**t because of it.

 

You can't just lower your self-esteem by accepting unfair treatment from someone just because they are suffering from something that "isn't their fault."

 

No one has to do anything , but sometimes the world is a better place when the able can have compassion for the unable. You call it unfair treatment while at the same you don't realize how unfair it is to expect normal behavior from the abnormal mind. It's a glaring contradiction in your rationale. Like I said before, if she cares about him she will make a compassionate effort. If she doesn't, she won't.

[Ms Darcy]

Victim or not it is unfair for abnyc to be treated like this. Depression sucks, I get it. I'm sure sexual predators, physical abusers, cheaters and alcoholics suffer too, but that doesn't mean the people who are with them have to sit around and be treated like s**t because of it.

 

You can't just lower your self-esteem by accepting unfair treatment from someone just because they are suffering from something that "isn't their fault."

 

I agree. Abby, you are sacrificing your self-worth by hoping supporting him will improve the relationship. He is not in a place where he can participate in a healthy relationship. At some point, you need to consider your own mental health. I would suggest telling him that a relationship won't work out and that you hope he gets professional help. Then you need to work on your own healing.

 

Women often get guilted into staying in soul-crushing, unhealthy relationships instead of taking care of their own emotional and relational health. Down the line, you can be friends with him and help him. But trying to stay his gf is clearly not something that is even happening.

[Pontius]

I agree. Abby, you are sacrificing your self-worth by hoping supporting him will improve the relationship. He is not in a place where he can participate in a healthy relationship. At some point, you need to consider your own mental health. I would suggest telling him that a relationship won't work out and that you hope he gets professional help. Then you need to work on your own healing.

 

Women often get guilted into staying in soul-crushing, unhealthy relationships instead of taking care of their own emotional and relational health. Down the line, you can be friends with him and help him. But trying to stay his gf is clearly not something that is even happening.

 

 

How many times have I read on these forums that one shouldn't derive their sense of self-worth from their relationships? But now suppose that they do as you are implying they must . Why so often do I read from you that NO ONE is required to stay in a relationship, when basically you are now admitting that one's sense of self worth is to be expectedly reliant on the relationships they choose to pursue? It's a fascinating hole in your logic that says it's okay to deprive another of their sense of self worth(leaving relationships), while at the same time admitting that one's own sense of self worth is somehow more important when contemplating their participation in an existing relationship. Oh, you may forgive the hole that exists in your logic because it's never a requirement that we ought to follow the Golden Rule, but the hole that is in your logic is where the Golden Rule gets misplaced.

[Ms Darcy]

This is really hard to respond to because so many of the statements are incorrect.

 

You said I so often say that no one is required to stay in a relationship. I do not often say that ... so that is incorrect. I think you are confusing your posters.

 

You also said "you are now admitting that one's sense of self worth is to be expectedly reliant on the relationships they choose to pursue." You misread what I wrote because I did not say one's self worth is reliant on relationships. It seems like you didn't understand the phrasing of the sentence, so I will try to rephrase to help you hear my meaning.

 

When you are in an unhealthy relationship with someone who is unhappy and treating you poorly, you are unhappy, sad, upset, disappointed. So, trying to have a healthy relationship with someone who is unhealthy makes you feel bad. And when you try to have a healthy relationship with someone who is unhealthy, you START to tie your self worth to the relationship. THAT is unhealthy. So ... you say, well this depressed person is ignoring me so I'm going to try harder to support him. When he rejects you, YOU feel like you are a bad person.

 

So instead of being two happy people moving forward together in a healthy relationship, you have one person moving backwards and who is dragging you backwards in an unhealthy relationship. When someone pulls you backwards despite your best efforts, it hurts your self-esteem and self-worth. On the other hand, the nature of a healthy relationship is that two independent people are coming together. This means they are happy within themselves and the relationship is another bonus.

 

There is no hole in the logic. But it is difficult to understand when you don't make a distinction between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one.

 

This might be a little too complex here. Do people understand it? Should I rephrase?

[abnyc]

so i finnaly had enough the other day when he texted me from his cousins wedding about how much fun it was. if he could get out and go to this he could meet up with me. I sent him about an hour ago a text that said "i wanted to help you and be there for you, but it seems that its over for us". what did i get in return? He completely evaded what i wrote and responded about how he was staying for a few days w his sister because one of her kids was sick and she needed help. * * * ? he didn't even address us at all and changed the subject. after all of this. i really need some insight and support and ANSWERS. is he pretending our realtionship never happened?

[lisa19191]

It sounds like he is depressed but you have to realize he had to go to his cousins wedding even if he is dealing with alot of things. He should of taken you to the wedding as his date. Most men that are depressed don't want their girlfriends to see them in a state of weakness. It is easier for them to not go out with you and just commute through email. Also he probably had to get himself together before he went to that wedding. I would think long and hard if you want to be in a realtionship with a man who closes the door when things get tough. Your suppose to lean on each other during tough time which should happen but some men deal with problems in their life by trying to shut you out. I would take some space tell him you both need space and want to be friends. If he doesn't love himself right now he can't love you thats a major fact in depression. Just be his friend and try to get him to get help thats the only way he will feel better. The not responding is becuase he can't deal with anymore emotions in his life and doesn't know what is the best solution for the both of you.

[Ms Darcy]

so i finnaly had enough the other day when he texted me from his cousins wedding about how much fun it was. if he could get out and go to this he could meet up with me. I sent him about an hour ago a text that said "i wanted to help you and be there for you, but it seems that its over for us". what did i get in return? He completely evaded what i wrote and responded about how he was staying for a few days w his sister because one of her kids was sick and she needed help. * * * ? he didn't even address us at all and changed the subject. after all of this. i really need some insight and support and ANSWERS. is he pretending our realtionship never happened?

 

Wow, yeah, it does sound like he's trying to ignore you. I'm sorry.