i ran into him at a party last night....

[neelie]

I was recently going out with someone for six months. Although we really had a lot of fun together I started to pick on him for every little thing, like calling me too late or making plans with his friends without telling me first. We started spending less time together because of his traveling for work and the arguing just got worse. I was unhappy all the time because I never saw but when I did see him I wasn't very nice to him. I told him several times that I didn't think things were working out between us but he always wanted to work things out. Then I blew up at him on the street over a comment his sister made and left him standing on the corner while I drove off in a cab. Later that day over the phone, he said he couldn't handle the fighting anymore, that I had walked out on him too many times and that he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. Although we have stayed in contact over email and a bit over the phone, I haven't seen him since. I didn't take this well at all even though I had been telling him I wasn't happy. I became depressed and lost almost eight pounds. It's been a month since we broke up and I've done a lot of thinking. I now know where my anger was coming from and why I'm still so sad. Years ago, I got pregnant and my boyfriend at the time insisted on an abortion even though I wasn't really sure. THen he left me for someone else shortly thereafter and I was left to deal on my own. I've never really gotten over the anger I feel towards the ex and perhaps anger at myself for being treated so badly. In my relationships since then I find myself lashing out at people that I care about for fear of getting hurt again. Even though I really want to be with them, I find myself acting like I don't care or push them away by being negative. But I really care about this last person and want to make it work. Should I tell him my "baggage" and why it cause me to act so unloving towards him? I think it might scare him off-what guy wants to deal with baggage like this? Is it too late to get him back? Please help...

[WishMistress]

I am sorry about what happened to you in your past..that is sad. I think that you could tell him if you wanted to share that part of you, but not if you are going to use it to get him back. You can not MAKE someone love you or come back to you. They either want to be with you or they don't. Here is something that I have learned over the past little while...if they fly away and they return to you it was meant to be..if they don't..then love the part of them that you enjoyed. Peace and Happiness to you

[neelie]

thanks for your kind words. I definitely don't want to manipulate him into feeling sorry for me, but to just understand that my anger or hurt wasn't really directed at him. I feel like I never really opened up to him during our relationship. I've kind of just come to terms with this myself and it has been eye opening for me in understanding why I act the way I do.

[WishMistress]

I know it is sometimes hard, and you are not really mad at the person you are with. It is a long journey to understand yourself, and you are doing a great job with a difficult situation! It is a great step that you realise that you have something in your past that intrudes into your present some people never understand that. Peace and Happiness to you!

[kipster]

Should I tell him my "baggage" and why it cause me to act so unloving towards him? I think it might scare him off-what guy wants to deal with baggage like this? Is it too late to get him back? Please help...

 

neelie, from a man's perspective that's some information I would want to know. Us guys can deal with a woman who blows up if we know WHY she's doing it. Its a whole other can of worms when she acts in a manner that doesn't have either internal or external justification. For instance, if my EX cut off our relationship because she was abused at one time by say an EX BF, I could then have some rationale to explain the behavior and at least understand why its happening. Of course that's something that she has to deal with accordingly by getting the proper help, but when I know about it then we can work on solving the problem. But if she just blows up and I don't know why she's doing it and she doesn't tell me, then its like WTF? Maybe this isn't for me. Plus and understanding man would see how emotionally taxing an abortion can be...I've had ex's who've had them (not with me but with their Ex's) and that's something I could understand and has 'emotional baggage' as you mentioned. But now that you know what the problem is get help so that it doesn't re-occur..talk about it with a specialist and keep the ex abreast of it. I think what you'll find if he loves you as I believe he does, he might be more supportive now that there's justification for your behavior. I can't guarantee it though, but I know if I were him it would be alot easier to stomach, unless of course the woman had an abortion with my baby and didn't tell me about it...that could be a MAJOR point of contention and probably a deal breaker...but that's not your case...

 

Kip

[maharito]

Well...

 

I considered how I would react to being told such a thing... (Now, I consider myself a man who has no need for modesty--only caution in not wanting to scare ~other folks~ with my open acts... But I'm also a bit of a prude...)

 

That information...would scare me. Like, put me immediately to the point of considering whether the commitment was worth it. Really.

 

There's a reason people don't want to reveal their baggage too soon. Folks hope that they can get personally attached to one another before introducing such facts of life that make them 'take the next step'--whether it be toward being consistently available and on the other person's side...or living together...or more!

 

There is always the chance that you found the kind of guy who considers the importance of having ~just one~ person who's trustworthy, friendly, sincere, enjoyable, etc. above the importance of meeting a few (constantly evolving and changing) personal interests. Then, his decision to commit will be true.

 

But in either case...you have to fight the urge to reveal yourself so much (it's a challenge for me sometimes too!) No matter how secure a guy is with his own feelings and situation, there's always figuring the lady into the picture..........

 

And don't forget WishMistress's message: becoming more secure with yourself! Even if you understand the situation pretty well by now, controlling your feelings might show a positive thing or two to the guy too...or could have a number of nice effects on your relationship. Hopefully, when you do bring up this matter, it won't become an issue of fear...or of dependence on 'the one person who never hurt you' (even good people can hurt without trying!)

 

#1 rule of thumb: If it's something you'd only share with your best friend...then make sure he's your best friend for every reason first! If it's more public, then don't hide it from him any differently than you would others. A love interest is a person too...why treat them so differently unless they truly deserve it?

 

I wish you the best in any choice ya make!

[neelie]

thanks lil sparrow...you seem to be a more sensitive guy. I hesitated to tell him at first because he made some comment about not wanting to know about past relationships when I broached the subject early on in the relationship. So I clammed up, not sure if I could trust him with my innermost secrets and probably started to push him away subconsciously. the night we broke up , i said through tears, that "he didn't know what i had been through the last few years"...his response was that it was n't his responsibility. Perhaps he though I was trying to manipulate him?? Unfortunatley later on via email, he tells me that he didn't feel close to me anymore, and that I don't really "talk" to him...so was getting a lot of mixed messages from him. now i'm not sure what to do...don't want to scare him or make it seem like i'm using my past as an excuse, i totally own up to it. thought?

[Francis]

I think you should tell him everything about your past. Personally, I don't believe in concealing and being secretive. I believe that people have the right to know exactly who they are dealing with, they have the right to make a free and informed choice.

 

I am sure he will appreciate if you explain everything to him the same way you told us. He will be happy to know he did not do anything wrong and he will probably appreciate you a lot for being honest.

 

However, it is not certain whether he will be willing to get back in the relationship and this you will have to accept with honour and strength, not try to coerce him by crying or sex.

 

If he wants to get back together with you and you experience difficulties controlling your temper, then you should assist to an anger management program.

 

Good luck!

[wigton]

thanks maharito

 

yes that's precisely why i didn't want to tell him...it might have scared him off and made it seem as if i was being too dependent on him.

 

update, ran into him at a party last night and at first he walked into the other room...i don't think he thought i would be there even though he had plenty of friends and relatives there that could have called him and told him that i was there. well, we talked a bit, nothing heavy-he came up to me several times, i didn't seek him out. gave me a hug when he left...what do i do now?

[magic-hat]

hey neelie, i just wanted to give you input, myself being a guy. he probably does really still love you, but you need to be much more honest with him now if things come back together. It seems like a huge step forward in the relationship now that you realize what you put him through, most women never see the other side of the issue. If I was him, I would want the relationship to have some closure, even if you weren't going to get back together. If I was the male in your relationship, I would want you to meet me in person and really tell me how you feel, pretty much exactly what you posted. If he listens it probably means he's still willing to give you a chance.. if he doesn't listen to you he's not worth the trouble even if you are still in love with him.

[wigton]

Hi

Would really appreciate any more opinions on this. I'm going batty wondering if any what I should do...or should I just wait and NC?

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey wigton,

 

I think you just need to wait. I know there's a lot that you want to communicate to him, but you need to wait for him to give a signal to you that he's ready to listen.

 

I think a more pertinent question you should be asking yourself is how you're going to handle the situation in future relationships. Granted, if your ex agrees to coffee with you, I think it would be a good time to mention your past. But think about the advice you gave over on the "strategy..." thread. You should do it NOT expecting your ex to change his mind. You should do it mainly to clear the air between the two of you, and then it gives him something to think about.

 

But how are you going to handle this if the next guy you date ISN'T your ex. Do you think it would be best to tell him? Or wait until you start to notice old behavior patterns returning. It's a tough question to answer, but I think a good one in helping you to move past your current state (thinking only in terms of your ex) to one where you would have a fresh perspective no matter the outcome of your situation.