Ex's, Moaning and guilt

[blargh2000]

Well this is my first real relationship, we've been going out for 4 months, although we had rocky times on and off during the start.

 

Because I'm pretty new to relationships I just wanted to get some advice on the situation and if anyone has any learning resources or books to reccomend I'd be grateful, as I'd really like a good healthy relationship.

 

First hurdle to me was the ex bf, she doesn't have many friends and stills sees him as a friend, hanging out etc. I had a real problem with this and it was a big problem for me to accept, I was quite jealous and possesive, (telling her well its me or him etc). Now, I've basically stopped caring and just accepted that she can do what she likes, I know he probably has feelings for her but I really can't be bothered with the drama or bs and just say yeah its fine when she goes to visit him. Is this normal?

 

The latest problem I've encountered is her general mood. I feel like that I'm her source of entertainment and always have to be the one to cheer her up. She also wants to see me all the time and do stuff together and I'm feeling fatigued and drained. I felt really guilty wanting for (and asking) for time by myself and time with my friends, but on the other hand I selfishly wanted time alone. I feel suffocated?

 

Am I bad for feeling this way? I really dont want to hurt her, but I cant see her changing anytime soon and the whole being the source of entertainment act is getting old. She will complain about anything and everything and text me when something is wrong and complains how her day is rubbish. Im getting a bit down about it all

[nutbrownhare]

I guess one of the root problems here is that she doesn't have many friends; if she did she wouldn't be so dependent on you as the source of good things in her life, and probably wouldn't need to see her ex. I'm confused when you say that she wants to see you all the time, though, and then say that she also visits her ex. If there's nothing untoward going on, then surely this gives you a bit of a break?

 

There's nothing wrong with needing space in your relationship, both to spend with friends and on your own, and you need to be as firm about this as you are about spending time together, or you WILL feel suffocated and it won't do your relationship any good. Also, if she's going through a bit of a bad patch and wants your support, you will find it easier to do this if you're recharging your batteries by enjoying time out with friends.

 

As regards cheering her up - are you sure that's what she wants? It could just be that she needs someone to listen to her with a sympathetic ear, and not actually do anything about it. You might talk to her about this, because you may be draining yourself unnecessarily. Alternatively, you may be feeling down because you're absorbing her negativity and spending time with other people will help you to stop doing this.

 

As regards books - I have my reservations about the following book, but you might find it helpful: John Gray's Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

 

Good luck!

[blargh2000]

When I told her I wanted space, she would go see him, I actually said she should go visit because I know she hasn't got any other friends and I wanted space (pretty amazing that I actually wanted her to go see him after how I felt about it before ha! ironic). She cried when I eventaully said I wanted to do my own thing, although she was welcome to stay at mine, I didn't want to hang out in front of the TV.

 

Her negativity is really getting me down, maybe I'm immature but I just want someone indepedent and happy with themselves, I really don't want to be giving support 80% of the time. Things are pretty * * * * in her life, and I have given alot of sympathy and support during some times, but now it feels like everythings a negative thing with her, I've noticed she moans ALOT about the little things (ive got a headache, this journey is too long when we go places etc) throughout the day. I know you can feel crappy sometimes but I really feel like its way too much moaning for a normal person

[nutbrownhare]

maybe I'm immature but I just want someone indepedent and happy with themselves, I really don't want to be giving support 80% of the time.

 

I've noticed she moans ALOT about the little things (ive got a headache, this journey is too long when we go places etc) throughout the day. I know you can feel crappy sometimes but I really feel like its way too much moaning for a normal person

 

Wanting someone who's fine just the way they are - independent and feeling happy with themselves - is healthy, and in no way immature. You could try talking to her about how you feel about her negativity - it could be that she's unaware of it, or is going through a temporary bad patch - but this may not make any difference.

 

Has she always been like this, or has something changed?

[blargh2000]

She's always been like this, at first I thought she was going through a bad patch but I've got a horrible feeling this is her actual personality aaah! Things are bad for her at the moment in her family life and were when she got together with me.

 

I just came out of a depression/anxiety episode about 6 months ago and am feeling really happy and good, but this stuff is not helping, anytime she mentions something thats wrong now (the little things) I just roll my eyes inside and think oh grow up ffs.

[nutbrownhare]

If you're recently out of a depression/anxiety episode, you will be particularly vulnerable to being pulled back down again. Reading between the lines of your posts, you seem to want to be free of the relationship but don't feel entitled to end it, for fear of hurting her.

 

If this is the case, think about the following:

 

- Her feelings and negativity are HER responsibility, not yours.

- So is her family situation, and her response to it.

- The longer you stay in the relationship, the more attached she is likely to get and the more you will hurt her if you leave.

- The longer you stay in the relationship, the less likely she is to look for alternative sources of support and the more draining she is likely to become.

 

I am not at all telling you what you should do - you'll decide that in your own way, and in your own time - but I don't think that ending the relationship is something you should feel guilty about.

[blargh2000]

Well an update on this, we've know split. It was her decision because after 2 weeks of me being a bit distant and rude at times she felt I wasn't giving her what she wanted, which I wasn't if Im honest. Funny thing it hurts so bad, definitely my first heartbreak and now i have spiralled into depression again arggggh! I have though decided to move on and started NC, but all those fears of 'she was the one' or 'Ill never find someone to share love with again' enters my mind, definitely really horrible feeling.