Having major trouble letting go! Someone kick me!

[Hoss]

Please feel free to provide me with any comments or kicks in the head. Sorry, this is long.

 

We had been together for 4 years, and friends for 6. Almost two months ago, she came to me stating that she need some time alone. She said that she loved me with all her heart (friendship and romantically) and that I was the best thing that ever happened to her, but she needed some time apart and that I needed to move on with my life. She said that she felt that she was holding me back, and that was also holding her back.

 

When she referred to holding me back, she is referring to our age difference and children. She is 13 years older than I am. Also, has been married twice before (both very harmful to her self esteem) but has no children. She has infertility issues in addition to concerns of child birth/motherhood post 40 years of age. She has voiced concern in the past that if we did stay together that in the future she would be concerned that I could have anamosity towards her because I did not become a father. I tried to explain to her that was my decision. Her argument back was that I would not make that decision with her in the picture because I was comfortable with her and we love each other. Although it is tough it is honorable.

 

So, back to the break up. Although she stated we need time apart for me to go on with my life, she did still want to remain friends. Maybe friends with benefits. I told her I did not know if I could be friends with benies, so we would have to talk about that more. The problem was that she did not want to talk about anything after our intial conversation becasue it was too painful. She said lets just see what happens.

 

Here is where the problems start. She wants space, does not want to communicate, but still comes over to my house. For a recent gift she promised to paint my living room. This had not been completed prior to our "Talk" but she felt that she had to do it because she said she would and it was a gift. So, she started coming over to paint. I thought she wanted space?!?! This was extremely hard for me. I longed to see her, but it was so painful. When she was over, I would try to be quiet, but I would always start talking about us. I had the right to remain silent, just not the ability. Anyway, it would always end up in a argument. She would say that there was nothing to talk about and that she was the one losing and that I would thank her in the future. The thing is, it took her over a month to paint the room! A couple hours here, there. Also, she would never take her stuff from my house. I was always told I'll get it later. For someone wanting space, it sure looked like to me she couldn't let go either. It was tearing me up.

 

Also, I forgot a big piece of the pie. We work at the same company and I have to see her every stinking day.

 

During the marathon painting session there were always questions of what each other was doing. She would quiz me of all my activities. I would answer because, I did not want her to think I was the type of guy that would just run off and screw around. She would always ask if girl that works at the pub I frequent was still hitting on me in a jealous tone. In response to her questions, I would ask the same. I would always get vague activities and she would state that we are supposed to give each other space but she was not seeing anyone and did not have plans to. Not fare in my opinion.

 

I am not proud of this at all, but it left me wondering and I had to know. I checked up on her a few times. One of those times she was coming out of a restaurant from having dinner with her family and she was with this guy. I know this guy, he is a total dirt ball (drugs, etc.). Anyway, I saw this and I lost it. I confronted her right there in front of them both, and of course she was very angry and would not speak. This is where I need a kick in the head. The next day at work, she came to me very angry. She said that she was hurt that I would think she would be with someone like that and that I did not trust her. I told her that I was lost because she would always ask what I was doing and she would be vague when I asked her. She did admit that she did do that and it was not fare. I asked her is she was seeing this guys and she said that he was there becasue her family was considering renting some lake houses from him for a weekend in the summer. She could be telling the truth, but I am torturring myself with all possibilities. She has always found bad boys attractive.

 

I had heard rumors a few months ago about her being seen with this guy. But I did not put any weight into it becasue she was with me and in a factory setting there are rumors everywhere, most being untrue. She told me about the rumor herself soon after I heard it myself. She had told when we first started dating that this same guy would hit on her at work and had sent her flowers a few times before I was around. She had politely asked him to stop. There are always rumors about her, but there are rumors about all the attractive women in a factory environment. There was rumors that I was doing a admin. asst. because I went to lunch with her a few times over a couple of months. I was helping her with a college project.

 

My whole problem is, I DO NOT KNOW FOR SURE. It is driving me crazy. Although she is right about the potential future issues in our relationship and ending it might be the best thing, I love her with all my heart. It is so hard to hear that she love me but she has to let me go. But she is not letting go either. Is she screwing around and saying she has to let me go as an excuse to not tell me the truth. Is the rumor true? Where has my confidence gone? AAAHHHGGG!

 

Yesterday was terrible. It was my BDay and she always made a huge deal about my BDay. She took the day off of work and left me a card on my desk with a note that she could not see me on my birthday because it would be to hard for her. She did leave me a voice mail late last night to wish me a happy birthday and to ask how my doctor's appointment went. I called her back and got her voice mail and said thanks and I would have to explain the doctor's appointment (complications from a recent motorcycle wreck, I have all the luck lately!). I have not heard back from her. I am trying really hard not to call her.

 

I am at my folks lake cottage for the weekend, so I thought that would help. The problem is that she is in all my thoughts because we had planned to be here together this weekend several months ago. So I cannot stop wondering where she is and what she is doing.

 

I am a freaking mess. I am so frustrated with myself because I am usually in control of my feelings and usually an anchor when my friends have similar issues. I feel so lost.

[Gilgamesh]

Sounds familiar to me, I should give these kind of breakups a name, the "Martyr Breakup".

 

Lets see, here are some I have heard:

 

"I'm no good for you, you will find someone better", "I know I will hurt you, and I love you too much" "I am doing this for your own good, I don't deserve someone as wonderful as you"

 

Well, you get the picture. the reason she stays in touch? in case she changes her mind. she has you on pause. why did she leave you? very likely for the reasons you suspect.

 

So what do you do now? you could just give up on her and move along, you could discuss it with her and probably get into an argument, or you could just play along, and see where she takes it. The way she wants it, is, that if it don't go well, she can just say she wants back, and thats that, if it goes well, then she just stops showing up as much.

 

I am not saying she is cheating, I just do not believe she is a martyr and will give up a great relationship for no reason, there is something going on.

 

Let me ask you this, if it turns out she cheated on you, and she wants you back, will you still want her? I mean it really boils down to that doesn't it?

If you cannot accept this, then move on. if you can, then play along or discuss it.

[Hoss]

Gilgamesh-

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

My mind tells me exactly what you said, but I can't get my heart to listen. I am an engineer by trade, so it is hard not to think that every problem does not have an answer. I need to get to where I can accept not having an answer.

 

As for if I could take her back. I am not sure right now, I need to think about that more when I am not so upset and can really think. If she was just hanging out with this guy and was honest about it, maybe. If it is more, no.

 

Again, I am not certain what is going on with this guy. It could be exactly what she said, but I have too many doubts. One thing that really concerns me is that this guy is really bad news. Confirmed to be tied into drugs, etc. I am concerned that if she is getting in with this guy, she does not realize the dangers. But I can't control that.

 

Thanks again.

[justtwicethen]

Hoss,

 

 

I don't want to write the reply I have to give, on this forum. But please contact me if possible (only if you are really ready...). As I believe I have the answer.

 

best wishes

 

email removed

[Mun]

I think she loves you as much as you love her. It seems to me that you are right and she IS having trouble letting you go. She doesn't want to.

 

Why she broke up with you? Well from the looks of things she really believes she is doing it for your benefit, when actually what would benefit you would be to STAY WITH HER... right? How many times have you told her this? She sounds very insecure, as if she needs constant and firm reassurance. The age is an issue but I think the children thing is the biggest issue. She loves you so much she would sacrifice her happiness to give you what she thinks you want ( a family).

 

I think you should tell her one more time that SHE is your family and that no matter how many children you could have with someone else it would never take HER place in your life. After that---leave her alone. Let her think about what you said and see what happens.

[das420]

I hope it all works out for you man. I am going through the same type deal. My ex needed space, but she still contacts me regularly. She won't come get all of her stuff, just a little at a time. SPACE huh.

 

I know exactly what you are going through as far as your mind wandering. I do this all the time and I can't help it. Its the image of your girl with some dude that is sickening. That's all I see when I don't hear from her.

 

The only thing I do is try to not mention the relationship (very hard to do!!) when you are near her. I feel like we are on pause just as another poster has said. My best advice would be to give it a month or 2 and then have a heart to heart with her. Hope it works out for the best. Hold your head high brother!

[Hoss]

Thanks for all the replys. It was a really rough weekend because everywhere I went I had to hear, "Where's ...?"

 

I am trying to give her space and allow myself to heal.

 

I am sure I will have more posts as I will probably crash and burn at time.

 

Thanks Again,

Hoss

[Hoss]

Just getting back to work from a long weekend. As I stated before I work with my ex, her office is two offices down from mine.

 

Any advice on how not to look like either:

 

1) I am pissed, or

2) someone just shot my dog.

 

This seeing each other every day at work really sucks. Specially when she asks how I am doing.

 

Thanks,

Hoss

[Hoss]

Ok, I am starting to think it is really fishy. The guy she supposedly met with her family for dinner to discuss cabin rentals has been stopping by her office that last two days to say "Hi!". I happened to be walking by one time. She probably read my face because she came straight to my office when he left.

 

She said, it is not what I think. There is nothing going on between them and she can't stop him from coming to her office because he always has a work related reason. She said that he is a dirt ball and is just trying to get in her pants like he has for years. She also said since I made a scene a few weeks ago, he is probably trying to get under my skin. I do have to admit he would be the type to do that. This guy is a total waste of skin.

 

We are supposed to be having no contact, but she has called me twice now to convince me that nothing is going on with this guy and that she does love me but needs some time. It is driving me nuts. I want to believe her, but it just looks so fishy. My gut tells me that something is up. She may not be doing the guy, but she is either going out with him or making him believe he has a chance. Plus, I guess it does not really matter if she is seeing this guy. I just need to accept that we are done and move on, but it is almost like she won't let me.

 

It hurts bad enough to give up the person you love with your whole heart. But it sucks even worse when you think she is hanging out with a total dirt bag! I am not saying I am perfect, but I am freaking a prince compared to this POS.

 

Does anybody have a pill that you can take for this hurt?