it Never pays to be a nice guy

[Max101]

Time and again happens again..woman comes along, kinda attracted to me.., tell me how she was hurt by dihonest guys in the past and how she look for sincere honest guy. and being a sincere honest nice guy, I let her know my true character..and my genuine interest to know her with possibility of dating. then she stops responding to me. I am just being used again and again for their reassurance.

being a nice guy it is hard to work on mulitle girls at the same time, but seems like that is the only way to go..being loyal to one only puts me in weak position..I am sick and hopless because of it..

any thoughts?

[kali171]

I disagree because I am a girl who seeks out nice guys. They generally tend to respect women more and believe me that women do appreciate that. Dating can become frustrating at times, and many people try it out to find that they don't mesh. Don't let those few experiences burn you out. In the end nice guys find nice girls who treat them well in return and the not-so-nice guys often end up with girls who don't treat them so nicely.

[Pyralis]

Hey,

 

I know how it feels to be overlooked for being the "nice guy." I too believe in the "nice guys finish last" phenomenon. I'm sure that you'll eventually meet a girl that will come to her senses and realize that you're the one for her. In the meantime take a moment to link removed. It was posted in another thread but I think it would definitely apply here. This article helped me to feel much better about myself, hopefully it'll do the same for you.

 

There are nice girls out there who like nice guys, believe me. I've recently met a wonderful person through this site and we've been messaging and emailing each other for the past few days now. We live too far apart to meet in person, but she has reassured me that there are women out there that really do like "nice guys." They do exist, so don't give up.

[brokenpogostick]

as a woman, i agree with you guys...it's like a chick goes to a "nice guy" gets reassurance on being with a "bad guy" or at least a guy that's not right for her & goes on about her business until she needs you again. it's a viscious cycle and i'm very sorry for you guys.

 

but, these same women will get tired of being treated like a door mat sooner or later & perhaps they'll fall right into your arms.

[Meow18]

Actually it does pay to be nice. Would you rather have the girls who have no respect for themselves? Thats the kind of girl who goes after the bad boy in the first place. They don't mind being treated horribly, just as long as a hot guy likes them. Thats so wrong & I'll admit, I used to be one of them. I did learn though. I learned that I was better than that & I deserved a nice guy. You nice guys are so much better than the jerky guys. Just be yourself & you will get what you deserve one day.

[Princess777]

I think a lot of the "nice guys" are just looking in the wrong places for a "nice girl". You have to think about matching the surroundings with the individual before you can expect to find them. Just expand your horizons a little.

[brokenpogostick]

you're totally right now that i think about it Maggie and that's really sad. i think i'm just pulling myself out of that slump myself. i think back on all my guy friends that i've had that i went crying to after some jerk did something horrible to me and how at ease they made me feel, nurtured me until i felt better, and then - poof - off i went with some other jerk that hurt me...

 

it is about self-respect & not about image

 

rock on nice guys!

[Caldus]

Where should nice guys like us look?

[mahlina]

I agree with the ladies. One more thing: try being honest in a relationship. Don't take it for granted. Don't mistreat the ones that you love, because one day, they'll get sick and tired of it, and leave. That's when things are too late. When one partner finally opens up to how they truly feel for their partners, the other one walks out the door, because they feel taken for granted.

 

I doubt that this is the case for you guys, since you guys are nice guys. Just wanted to let you know, because I see this happening in lots of relationships: where the good guy 'distances' himself away from his woman, because he's scared to get hurt again. The woman sticks around and supports the guy. In the end, both partners are heartbroken, because by the time that partner finally realizes the other person's integrity, it's too late. So try to have:

1. Trust

2. Honesty

3. Support

4. Communication

...always, all throughout the relationship. That way, you'll be sure to attract the 'right' lady, by putting in forth effort. Otherwise, some women get tired of being mistreated. They feel as though the ones that they love, are the bad guys, who aren't putting enough effort. thereforeeee, that's where I see the nice guys mistake 'being nice' as a bad thing, when in fact, it's a good thing. It's just about breaking down those walls, and communicating honestly and openly. Often times, miscommunication also prevents partners from trusting each other. Because:

1.) One partner jumps from conclusions about one assmption.

2.) They don't resolve problems by communicating effectively.

3.) That's where things tumble down from there, when they start making false assumptions of being a good guys as something portrayed as being weak.

(Which is not the case. Here's a quote: "Compassion is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength." It takes a stronger guy to be a good guy. It takes a weaker guy to be a bad guy.) So much props to you Good Guys! =D> You guys are the 'Real Men.' Not the bad boys. In the end, no one will want the bad boys. Women will learn, and avoid them like the plague.

 

The best thing to do is to: Be you. Be honest. And things will fall into it's place. It's not that girls like bad guys. We dump the bad boys. We keep the good guys. Why do relationships have to be so complicated? It doesn't. It's just about being open, honest, and treating each other with the respect that both partners deserve. We just have to be ourselves, and trust that things will work out from there. Good LucK to all of you Nice Guys out there. I am sure that you will find someone who will appreciate you for who you are. Don't give up hope. Hang in there. -Mahlina

 

P.S.-Re-Edit- One more thing- I know some women who are all about the bad guys. If a woman rejects a good guy for being good, then be glad that you're not with her. I know some women who say, "Oh! He was too nice. I don't want him." If this is the case, then be glad that you're not with that type of girl. Personally, the ladies who I knew, who mistreatd 'good guys', were 'selfish.' The only thing they ever thought about, was themselves! Let selfish people find each other. Don't worry about being a certain way. It's always best to be honest/be yourself. Life's about being true to ourselves. Let selfish people live in their own selfish worlds. Try not to let this mishap bring you down.

[RagingBull]

There are Nice Guys (which most men are), and and there are Jerks; but no one ever mentions a rare third category of men. This guy is daring and confident like jerks tend to be, but doesn't abuse women. He is respectful and honest as a Nice Guy but not too sensitive, generous, or needy.

 

For many, it is can be very difficult to become this kind of guy. It can take alot of learning, practice, and personal development.

 

You can start with these articles:

 

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[Pyralis]

RagingBull

 

Good stuff, very informative articles. I think I am all too often seen as one of those "nice guy" doormats. Maybe what I need is to pick up some of those "jerk" traits. Not too much of course, just enough to strike that perfect balance.

[Princess777]

Places to look for a "nice girl" could include (don't laugh!)

grocery stores, or other various types of stores, laundromats, parks, recreational areas, libraries, local functions, similar interest groups/meetings, friends setting you up, weddings, etc. Don't limit yourself to bars and clubs or you'll be disappointed.

 

Hmmm... not sure about some of those articles posted here for reference.... they sound a little comically biased to me. OK for a joke I guess.

[Pyralis]

Hmmm... not sure about some of those articles posted here for reference.... they sound a little comically biased to me. OK for a joke I guess.

 

Yeah, you're right. I was just kidding about that "picking up some of those 'jerk' traits" remark. I recently met someone online who likes me for the kind of person I am. I consider myself very lucky to have met her. Why mess with something that works, right? Besides, I don't like the idea of having to change who I am to get someone to like me.

 

I see what you mean about how those articles have a comical bias. I didn't take them too seriously when I read them, but on the other hand I can definitely see the advantage of having some "bad boy" traits to get and hold a woman's attention. I still think that we "nice guys" tend to get over-looked way too often. I feel as if I lack that attention grabbing whatever-it-is to avoid always being put in the dreaded "he's a nice guy, but not boyfriend material" category.

 

I dunno. I like who I am right now. The typical "nice guy." But I don't like the low success rate that comes with it. And as I said earlier, I don't like the idea of having to change myself to get someone to like me. Oh well. Quite the dilemma, huh?

 

EDIT: Now that I've thought about it, that's just my low self-confidence speaking. To heck with changing myself. If someone doesn't like me for being me, fine. That'll be her loss, not mine.

[Scout]

I personally don't know what people mean when they refer to themselves as "nice." A blander, less interesting word never existed. I want a guy who has manners, integrity, character, humor, opinions, sexiness and kindness towards humanity.

 

I do not want someone who has nothing to say, expects me to lead the conversation all the time, and has no opinions or interesting ideas or can't think for himself.

 

So, to me the equation is fascinating vs. boring - NOT "nice" versus "jerk".

 

If you find yourself constantly sighing that you're a nice guy - or girl - who always finishes lasts, I suggest you take a hard inward look. Either you're picking the wrong people or you aren't doing much to make yourself a desirable person. But saying "nice guys always finish last" is to me one of the biggest cop-outs said in the dating world.

 

Blunt words, yes, but hopefully will rouse some of us to action and get out of the swamp of self-pity. On the other hand, we all need to indulge in a little self-pity at times...just as long as we snap out of it. Life is too short to be so hard on ourselves!

 

love, Scout

[Princess777]

Well, please don't let this offend anyone, male or female, but let me throw this out there: I think a lot of "nice guys" label themselves that because they really are nice people and perhaps they just tend to let people walk on them more than they should, (they're TOO nice, and are people pleasers). Hence girls think that these types of men might not be strong enough to be their "manly" partner. A woman wants something she doesn't have or cannot be, someone to compliment her personality and her as a person. It's hard to explain..... true, nice guys, don't try to be someone you're not, but at the same time, you might want to work on commanding respect from females and males in order to attract the type of person you're really interested in..... if someone doesn't respect you, they'll label you as a "nice guy" or a "sweet guy" because their impression of you is that you don't really have a lot of self-confidence, vitality, and inner strength. This is not to say that nice guys don't really have these things, but girls will label you as that before they get to know the real you, based upon your first impression/first date, etc....... and, as you guys so often complain, it is true that once that time has passed, it is difficult to change a woman's mind about you. I think it's more of a match problem instead of "nice vs. bad". I think a lot of labeled "nice guys" are in fact just shy and so if they find a shy girl to go with them, they'll be just fine and won't have to try to be something they're not in order to attract girls that aren't really a match for them anyway.

[BlueWhale]

Time and again happens again..woman comes along, kinda attracted to me.., tell me how she was hurt by dihonest guys in the past and how she look for sincere honest guy. and being a sincere honest nice guy, I let her know my true character..and my genuine interest to know her with possibility of dating. then she stops responding to me. I am just being used again and again for their reassurance.

being a nice guy it is hard to work on mulitle girls at the same time, but seems like that is the only way to go..being loyal to one only puts me in weak position..I am sick and hopless because of it..

any thoughts?

 

WRONG!

 

Being nice is fine. A gentlemanly quality is what this society needs. But this quality must come from within, not induced by the environment, i.e., the presense of a vulnerable woman. When a woman consults you for advice, give honest assessment but don't hope to take advantage of her plight. You don't seem to be a true gentleman. A true gentleman would console the lady and help her back onto her feet without asking for anything in return.

 

A gentleman with power is extremely desirable to women.

 

You don't sound like one.

 

You seem to cloak your powerlessness in nicety when talking to women under duress. I don't have sympathy for you.

[BlueWhale]

One more thing. Many people talked about interesting vs. boring as the true meaning underlying nice vs. jerk. I have to point out that this is a superficial comparison. Women like to hang out with interesting guys. But this does NOT necessarily mean that they like to father children with them. Interesting guys (most jerks are) are good companions and entertainers. But over time, their assets will be valued less and less, as most women are attracted to power, security, and stability, qualities that are necessary for bring up children.

 

If you want to screw around and cannot master the art of being intresting and seductive, at least consider other options which may involve money. This way, you are in control and don't have to change yourself to suit the women's whims. A real man should not be needy for emotional companionship from women. Get that from your male kameraden.

 

If finding one mate is what you want, it's easy. Just adjust your expectations. Look at yourself in the mirror and you'll find your mate.

 

If on the other hand, you desire many women without bending yourself to their wants, become powerful. It's a long road, you are warned. Powerful men, before they reach their ultimate positions, often lack women companionship. Napoleon is a case in point. It takes enormous concentration for them to set their sights very high throughout the period of ascension -- also a period dry of feminine consolation.

 

It depends on who you are. If you are indeed an average joe, join the camp of the jerks.

 

Never, ever waste your time and emotional capacity. Learn this. They'll come to you.

[wlfpack81]

There are Nice Guys (which most men are)]

 

LOL man coming from another guy I'll have to say that's some BS. I'll admit too many of my fellow men act dogishly to women but that type of behavior is going to continue as long as women keep falling for these types of men. The nice guys/girls always finish last.

 

Of course let's be honest an overwhelming percentage of these nice guys/girls are probably unattractive hence they're having to be nice. When you're good looking you know you can sit around and be stupid b/c you'll get any guy/girl you want but when you're an ugly male/female you have to be nice just to get people to look your way and notice you.

[SexySadie7]

Mahlina, you seem very akamai for your age.

You wrote: 1.) One partner jumps from conclusions about one assmption.

2.) They don't resolve problems by communicating effectively.

3.) That's where things tumble down from there, when they start making false assumptions of being a good guys as something portrayed as being weak.

(Which is not the case. Here's a quote: "Compassion is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength." It takes a stronger guy to be a good guy. It takes a weaker guy to be a bad guy.) So much props to you Good Guys! You guys are the 'Real Men.' Not the bad boys. In the end, no one will want the bad boys. Women will learn, and avoid them like the plague.

 

You are so right about the last line. The bad boys think they are being clever, playing around, lying & cheating, thinking they are fooling everyone. I think, sadly, sometimes, they are only fooling themselves & throw very good women away to play the field & be the "hot" guy.

I know a good guy who's been a nice guy all his life, now his long-term relationship is over & he wants to play the "bad guy". His girlfriend cheated on him several times. It's so sad cuz he's driving some very nice people away. I fear, soon, no one worthwhile, really will want to have anything to do with him, but he can't see this.

He also seems rather naive as far as VD is concerned b/c he's been in a "monogamous" relationship for so long. It's almost as though his attitute is, oh, that can't happen to me, only other people get AIDS/VD. I really fear for him, but don't know what to say to him. I see him heading down a very rocky path.....he's a nice guy, I don't want to see him get hurt or sick.

I don't really know what to do.

[Shinobie]

Actually i kind of disagree because a lot of us guys who r nice r usually really shy and a women never wants to be around a guy like me.I am extremely nice but that never ever really helps me except for when i need to be used to go get something for them or help them with something else.All u ever are is used for something and they never ever really want to get to know u.All women around me ever seem to want is to go out with a fricken guy who has no good morals.Who all he wants to do is get in their pants i mean why do u girls go for these guys?

[Alabama]

I know how it sucks at times, to be the nice guy and never truly get a girlfriend. I am going through the same thing. Yet I would rather be nice to woman, and at least have a friend. I would hate to be some jerk who only uses woman for sex. That is wrong. It does hurt to have woman come to you for advice, but that is all it seems. So don't fret...your not alone.

[Double J]

There's this girl I dated who told me she lost her virginity to some 25 year old (she's 17) in April. He lives up north, so after they did their thing, he left her here with false hopes and expectations. She told me she hated him, that he was a total jerk, etc. 4th of july weekend comes around and she goes to NY where he is and spends the weekend with him. Girls are just irrational sometimes, no doubt about it. They shun the nice guys and go for the jerks because they don't want to hurt the nice ones; it's less of an emotional investment to go for the jerk.

[1Adam12]

I just wanted to chime in on this..I am a nice guy but I am NOT a Doormat either which in my opinion is why the saying it never pays to be a nice guy is wrong..it never pays to be a doormat to a girl or anyone that statement I'll agree with..

 

Being a nice guy in my opinion means respecting a woman but also standing up for yourself and not letting her or anyone else treat you like a pushover. I mean do you want to be in a relationship where u basically have no say the woman just suggests stuff and you are nothing but her "yes man" because you don't want to disagree with her out of fear she will get upset when she probably wanted to hear your ideas..

 

As for the girls going for the aholes ...some girls do this and I think alot don't do this and I'd like any girl who has or hasn't posted to back me up on that if Im right..alot of the nice girls for us nice guys are already taken or they don't want a relationship because they were treated bad in a previous one..

 

Phillip

[Shinobie]

What i hate is when girls like to go out with those stupid guys and think "o i love him" then have sex with him many times have a hard time then he dumps them right away then bam hes gone.Then they r depressed as hell and never give us guys a chance maybe its because they look at us like we arer stupid ugly pathetic males.I have an extremely hard time looking in a girls face anymore i always feel that they r judging me harshly and i feel that i am ugly and they would not wanna see soemthign like me.I always walk with my head looking down or act like im wiping somethign off my face tryign to cover it up my friends have noticed it..As for me ive been used as a doormat all my life by girls they never respect my kindness all they use it is too their own seflish crap...

[BlueWhale]

There's this girl I dated who told me she lost her virginity to some 25 year old (she's 17) in April. He lives up north, so after they did their thing, he left her here with false hopes and expectations. She told me she hated him, that he was a total jerk, etc. 4th of july weekend comes around and she goes to NY where he is and spends the weekend with him. Girls are just irrational sometimes, no doubt about it. They shun the nice guys and go for the jerks because they don't want to hurt the nice ones; it's less of an emotional investment to go for the jerk.

 

Do you have her picture? I can tell you whether she's worth it or not and what state of mind she's in. I'm very good at reading faces.