Please read this if you are blaming yourself and beating yourself up!

[rapunzel]

I found this post on another forum and just re-read it again. It's a great read so I wanted to share for those who are feeling badly in the wake of a break up

 

Ladies (and gents),

I have just finished reading another post where they said, "I will never love again, no one will ever be as good, I'm to blame, etc., etc., etc." Enough!

 

A relationship cannot save you, it did not create you and it will not break you. If I could get you all in a room and take each one of you by the shoulders and give you a quick shake and then a hug, I would. Listen to me: The one who would leave you is NOT the one for you, never was. YOURS will not leave you. Yours will not turn away in disgust. Yours will not let you go so someone else can have you. THIS one was not the one. TRUST that. BELIEVE that. OWN that.

 

Your heart IS broken, mine was too. The heart can and does heal itself. You will learn from this. It does indeed all suck. It's the end of something, an important part of your life, sure, but if anything, it's only the very beginning of what can be a better life. THIS guy got out of the way so your REAL guy could make his way to you to find you, to love you, to hold you close.

Your right one won't have to be convinced, coerced, threatened, cajoled, to be with you. HE either gets it or he does not. If he does not, then he's being stupid anyway and you don't want that. People change all the time, so realize that when I say "this man" it can also mean the way this man is *now* It's possible he could change, people do it all the time, but until such time as he does, don't sit there holding your breath for that to happen. When he changes, he won't be "this man" anymore, get it?

 

Please, for the love of pete, please get it in your heads that when someone rejects you, THEY are the ones who lose, NOT you. NOT you. YOU are in the driver's seat of any and all relationships you are in. You can shape it, encourage it, inspre it to look and feel anyway you want. If your man doesn't "get" that he should want to spend time with you, then YOU pull away until he removes his head from his ass. If she dares to call you a name, insult you, ignore you, God-forbid hit you, whatever, you don't pick up the dang phone until they get their crap straight. Enough with accepting half-baked attitudes!

 

If you "loved too much" then they didn't deserve that from you anyway and you can and will find someone who will appreciate that. If you have a habit or trait you know needs attention, tend to your business, however do not let anyone tell you you are somehow deficient in some way, you are NOT. Which leads me to rule number one on this board: Thou shalt not call names. And that means you do not insult yourself, belittle yourself, put yourself down, denigrate your previous actions, etc. You observe what happened, you see where you can improve and you move on. That's it, just don't do it again. But don't beat yourself up because that accomplishes nothing except to make you hate and mistrust yourself in the long run which in turn causes other people to treat you that way. That's no way to live or to conduct your relationships.

 

When you get it in your head, feel it in your heart, and know it in your soul that YOU are the prize here, THAT is the very moment your life will truly open up and your real Prince or Princess Charming will come running into your life. At that moment, only the good ones will apply for the position because the bad ones won't stand a chance, you won't give those jokers the time of day.

 

I love men, I really do, and I love the man in my life, but I LOVE MYSELF MORE and you should too. No one, and I mean no one, is more important in your life than yourself and maybe the flesh from your own blood, meaning, your children. No one who can't see your true worth and value can ever be a good partner to you, and if someone has left you and told you or insinuated that you weren't "enough," THAT person is blind to your real self, and that person also can't be a good partner to you. If you are or have been hiding your true self in the hopes that no one will notice or in an effort to keep someone from "running away" STOP. You don't want someone who will freak out so easy, because you can't count on that. You bring a full person to the table, and you expect a full person to meet you halfway there. If you're not bringing your full self, you are selling yourself and your potential partner short. You need someone who can take what you dish out in good faith. Of course don't abuse that, but if you mean well, your partner will be able to handle it without too much changing on either part.

 

If you believe that a person was brought into your life by some predestined arrangement, if you think destiny or even God brought them to you, could you not then also believe that it was that very same Power that also exited them out? Don't you think God knows better than you do? Do you not think then that the Universe is trying to tell you something? Stop fighting against it and you will come to the REAL purpose, partner, and meaning of your life that much quicker.

 

I haven't written this as a tirade, as a scolding, as a condescension or anything of the sort, but it truly breaks my heart to see so much self-abuse when I've gone through the same heartbreak you all have, and I know what's on the other side. It really will be ok. I'm only hoping some of these words will help you bypass some of the knee-crumpling, soul-crushing pain I went through a couple of years ago. The pain is NOT necessary, the LESSON is.

 

There most definitely IS a light at the end of the tunnel. That tunnel is dark, it's uncertain, it's even frightening for some to have to go through this pain, sometimes for the frst time and for some of us, we've been through it before and we all want it to be the last time. I completely understand, but if you can keep going forward in FAITH and just telling yourself especially in your darkest moments that you WILL make it out the other side a better, happier, more fulfilled person, that none of this is in vain, that you are heading towards something better, then your trip through that dark tunnel will not only seem shorter, it will be shorter, not so completely intimidating, and you are most definitely not traveling it alone.

 

All my very best,

Sandra[/b]

[scotsguy]

Good post. I'm feeling a bit down today and this really helped me. I like the idea that my ex left to make way for the perfect girl for me. If she had been the one she wouldn't have left. Thanks.

[bungalo]

Thanks for the fantastic post Rapunzel. I am feeling better emotionally...although a bit under the weather physically....

[ElleB]

Excellent. This is the "slap" I needed.

Thank you X

[brandnewday47]

Great post!

[ItsmeShane]

This is a really good post. Made me feel a little better.

[liquinn2]

Thanks for the great post. I'm feeling a bit better now

[rapunzel]

Yes, I remember reading this post way back and it knocked some sense into me because I was taking full responsibility for the break up...

 

I still have a hard time when the flashbacks come and I cringe thinking about how I said this or did that...and then again, blaming myself. We all make mistakes, so did our exes, but we can't take ALL the blame.

[Mttens]

Great post, thanks. Really helped me today reading it.

[paulod]

I'm liking this post a lot,

 

Many thanks for this

[maddyfaye]

"If you believe that a person was brought into your life by some predestined arrangement, if you think destiny or even God brought them to you, could you not then also believe that it was that very same Power that also exited them out? Don't you think God knows better than you do? Do you not think then that the Universe is trying to tell you something? Stop fighting against it and you will come to the REAL purpose, partner, and meaning of your life that much quicker."

 

I do believe this and need to remember it more often. The way she came into my life was absolute destiny and the things that had to happen all in a short time for it to unravel so quickly at the end of 14 years must be for a reason.

[1guygirl]

im with other posters, great post rapunzel

 

i took on too much of his critisisms while i sat picking the egg shells out of my feet

[Jaeiyola]

The one who would leave you is NOT the one for you, never was. YOURS will not leave you. Yours will not turn away in disgust. Yours will not let you go so someone else can have you. THIS one was not the one. TRUST that. BELIEVE that. OWN that.

 

Thank you so much for posting this. I understand that if it was meant to be, he would have never let me go. All this time, I've been thinking we'll get back together.

Obviously not. I'm glad I can open up my eyes and see the truth.

[kuteknish]

bump for everyone!

[OldSoul86]

Rapunzel, thank you so very much for the beautiful post. I could not help but tear up when I was reading it because you speak from the heart. People, heed the advice given in the OP, Rapunzel has been there and lived to tell about it - we can do the same. Be strong ENAers.

 

OldSoul

[blueplanet22]

Brilliant post and so true x

[Sanders24]

Do you not think then that the Universe is trying to tell you something? Stop fighting against it and you will come to the REAL purpose, partner, and meaning of your life that much quicker.

 

Nice post. Enjoyed this simple quote.

[nkm08]

You bring a full person to the table, and you expect a full person to meet you halfway there. If you're not bringing your full self, you are selling yourself and your potential partner short.

 

This is infact the problem. I dated too much before I turned 18 and I found someone I could have spent the rest of my life with before I had the real life skills and maturity necessary to live out that life.

 

I didn't bring myself to the table. I let myself fall victim to the depression and complex problems I buried inside of me and after 4 years of being together (3 happily on both sides) in the last year I gave up on myself and let that depression hollow me out because of stupid personal reasons and I made him walk away from me. He tried for a year to put it all back together again, but I wasn't there for him when he needed me, and there was only so much he could do. He gave me hundreds of opportunities and chances to rectify the problems I created and while I cared, I just didn't try anymore.

Yes, it's important to accept the lesson that pain brings and accept what happened and move on, but it's also important to understand the truth of the matter. I don't think there is a single person for each of us, and maybe everyone is right and one day I'll really love someone as much as I loved him or more, but I know I'll always want the one I chose to have been him.

 

Maybe I just don't see it yet, but I feel like the best I can do is to try and be happy for him, for his chance to find someone that really can give him what he needs since I couldn't anymore; and to learn to love myself in the mean time. I understand, now, that I should have learned how to be a whole person first and fallen in love with "the right guy" second. You can say he wasn't the one, and clearly he's not the one I'll end up with, but that doesn't change the fact that he could have been the one because it wasn't just me, he wanted to be one too.

 

Maybe one day I can forgive myself for watching his heart break as he told me he couldn't do it anymore.

[rapunzel]

Rapunzel, thank you so very much for the beautiful post. I could not help but tear up when I was reading it because you speak from the heart. People, heed the advice given in the OP, Rapunzel has been there and lived to tell about it - we can do the same. Be strong ENAers.

 

OldSoul

 

Thanks OldSoul, I'm glad you appreciated it. Just to clarify, I was not the author of the post, it was from another forum and I just copied it as it resonated with me.