Confused with Ex, Why does he need to be buddies?

[Buffee]

Hi there,

 

Wow, it is somewhat comforting to find that I am not alone going through this.

 

My boyfriend of 8 months suddenly broke up with me three weeks ago and I guess I did see it coming, as he has been pulling away slowly for the last month and a half.

 

The part I am confused about, is that he doesn't want to be together as boyfriend/girlfriend but wants to be friends. When he initially broke up with me and I told him that I wasn't sure if I could be friends with him, he got upset with me.

 

In the past few weeks we have hung out a few times, gone bike riding, and we play on the same softball team on sundays. When we are together it is like we are buddies. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to have no contact, as sometimes I find this very hard. How can you go from being intimate with one another, to just buddies? How do they just turn that part of them off?

 

To give you a background, he is a divorced (3 years) father of two girls. He hates his ex wife and he has to deal with her because of the girls. If he has to talk to her, he is usually instantly angered, so i figure there are alot of issues there he hasn't dealt with possibly. It took three months until he introduced me to his daughters and since we got along very well, I was included most every weekend to hang out with them.

 

Since we have broken up he has told me that if I wanted to come hang out with the girls, I am welcome to come do so at any time.

 

I would love to have him back as my boyfriend, as I miss being with him, and I miss his girls dearly, but I am not sure what he is up to. One one hand he tells me that he can not give me the love that I deserve, as he can't commit to anyone and that if I found someone that could give me this he would be happy for me, and on the other hand the other week I got a very jealous email from him when one night I went out for drinks with some friends and he saw that I wasn't home.

 

Does anyone have any insight or thoughts as to what is going on with him?? Or if I should continue to hang out with him as a friend or maybe persue a no contact situation so he actually has a chance to miss me?

 

Thanks for you help.

 

Buffee

[dogmeat]

mabye hes bitter over the ex wife thing......

[Gilgamesh]

Women do this a lot also to men, after they break up with them, the dreaded "Your a great guy, Im not ready, lets just be friends" speach, its kinda cliche' now but still used.

 

Its very simple, in most cases, the dumper feels guilty over what they are doing, they know they are hurting someone, so they say they want to be friends, "to soften the blow" thats only part of the reason, and thats why they think they are doing it, the other reason is, it removes the guilt and feelings of being a bad person, because if the person they dump decides to remain friends, then that means they arent that bad of a person!! get it?

 

After all, if the person I dumped still likes me as a friend, then what i did wasnt that wrong.

 

The problem with this is that the person that got dumped usually only remains friends because they figure that if they remain in that persons life, that somehow they will "realize" what they can lose, and come back to them. Mistake!! That doesnt work, specially when they get into the "friends with benefits" agreement. The person that did the dumping has all the benefits without any of the commitment. its a one sided deal, not fair at all.

 

If you really want someone to want you, and know what its like to be missing from their life, then do just that, be gone. hopefully they will then miss you and then realize their mistake, no gaurentees here. But if you remain their friends, they arent missing any of the companionship, they receive your love and give nothing back. really your being used.

[sutton]

Gilgamesh got it right I think.

 

I can TOTALLY relate to what you're going through, except I have stayed completely NC.

 

I'm in the midst of a crappy breakup - which I saw coming probably if I'm honest - but SHE engineered it, created the drama, lied to me etc.

 

Every week since breaking up she has tried to talk to me - right now its week 6 or something and she is insisting that she needs her 'mail'. I don;t have any of her mail as I have been sending it back 'not at this address' and frankly she is using it as an excuse to see me. Last week it was 'did i leave my digi camera there?' as if its no big deal, everything is fine.

 

Anyway, she cannot live with the fact that SHE is the jerk here and is trying every angle to get some reaction from me. I am ignoring her completely. Its hard to do, but then I remember how she has treated me. I don't want her for a friend. She has not treated me like a friend.

 

Try to remember that this guy is being selfish - he is not concerned with your feelings - maybe he wants to have you around sometimes - but it sounds like only on his terms. And, its really not fair or kind for his kids! Very confusing for them I bet.

 

I would go no contact as Gilgamesh said. If he wants you he needs to really want you. Not just sometimes.

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey Buffee,

 

I would suggest you look over at the thread called "Strategy for getting back together with your ex" (here's the link: link removed ). Read some of the beginning pages of the thread, and you start to get a pretty good idea of the advice myJoy gives to everyone on there. For him, you start no contact until the love for your ex is one that can accept the ex's decision no matter what, and then you reinitate contact. It's kind of tough to summarize, but it's at least something to consider.

 

My ex also asked if we could be friends. I'm sure there is a cynical side to both our ex's asking if we could be friends with them. But I think it also points to a confusion on their part. They would like in some way to be with us, but they're not really sure how that together should be. I do agree with Gilgamesh. I don't think continuing to be friends with your ex immediately after the breakup is going to help anyone, especially you. Getting dumped hurts, bad. And I think you'd benefit from a little time spent away from the whole thing.

 

So to answer the question, I think that you should start no contact with the guy. It guarantees absolutely nothing for the future, except that at some point you will probably be able to hang out with him (and his daughters), and not feel disoriented and hurt by his presense.

 

When my ex asked if we could be friends, I was very clear that I couldn't only be friends with her. Of course our love has friendship as a foundation, and since the breakup I've sorely missed her as my friend. But we were also lovers, and I know, even one month after the breakup, I'm not yet able to separate those two things from each other.

 

Of course when deciding how to initiate no contact you should probably take some advice from others on the forum. I started no contact a couple weeks after the breakup. The last time I spoke with her I made it clear that I was leaving the door open for her, and I guess for me it feels like I've done everything I can do to let her know I still love her and I would like her back, but she'll have to make the next move. Others might have other opinions on this.

 

Best of luck. Though no contact is the best policy, it's definitely not the easiest. I miss my ex like crazy at times. But reading through this forum, I know it's the best thing for both of us. I am slowly healing. And I can rest assured that my ex is probably thinking of me in some capacity. Unfortunately, I don't know whether this is with regret for her decision, or with optimism that her life will be better now without me. Only time will tell.

[Buffee]

Thanks guys for your thoughts.

 

We haven't remained in a friends with benefits situation, the past few weeks we have just hung out as friends and it is very confusing.

 

So I guess I would have to agree with you that no contact would probably be the best thing to do, it's just tough when we have to play on the same softball team for the rest of the summer. When we broke up I was going to not play at all, but he seemed to get mad when I suggested he stay on the team and I would quit.

 

I guess it all comes down to him wanting his cake and eating it too, the best of both worlds, being free and single and still having me around as a buddy.

 

And I also agree that I guess he hasn't had a chance to miss having me around, cuz I am still here and like someone said, on his terms, when he wants me around.

 

It really isn't fair that even though they were the ones that dumped you, and no longer wanted you around, still can play with your heart and emotions and somehow make you feel bad for a situation they created themselves.

 

How come its the ones that treat you crappy that you want back?

 

Buffee

[Scout]

Usually girls do this when they break up with a guy, not vice versa. It's certainly an interesting situation. I haven't a clue what to tell you to do! Which is pretty rare for me.

[Buffee]

Scout,

 

LOL.... you and me both are pretty much confused.

 

If I ever figure it out, I will let you know, as I never had an ex act like to towards me before.

 

In my other relationships where the guy was the dumper, they pretty much walked away and we weren't friends at all.

 

This one has me confused and I am not really sure what to do, so maybe stepping back and not contacting him for awhile might clear my head.

 

It just makes it a little tough when we have to play on the same ball team once a week, but I guess I don't really need to hang out with him.

 

Buffee

[Buffee]

Today I am very sad.

 

My ex made plans with me on monday to go for a bike ride, then later on in the afternoon, blew me off to go play hockey, but resheduled to go for a bike ride this afternoon.

 

A half hour ago, he calls and says he has taken his daughters to a lake, and is stopping in at a buddies (who he is going to visit on saturday) so he might be too late to go for a bike ride, and if I have a chance to make other plans I can, but if he gets home in time, we still may be able to go, but that all depends on if he stays for dinner at his buddies.

 

I have totally taken this as being blown off for the second time, as he made plans with me on monday to go biking today.

 

When I asked him if he really wanted to go biking with me, he said yes, otherwise he wouldn't have given me the courtesy call to say he might be late or might not be able to make it. To me, it is being blown off!

 

THis makes me very sad, as I am not sure why he even makes plans with me at all.

 

Buffee

[Buffee]

Well I guess I have had a good weekend, I am kind of confused and not sure how to really feel.

 

It has been a month since my ex and I have broken up. Since the first week of our break up, we have hung out a couple times a week as buddies, either bike riding or watching a movie. He has made plans, and cancelled twice last week, but then shown up later. To top it all off, we had formed a softball team mixed with mostly his work friends and a few of my friends that we had just paid the registration fees for before we broke up. WHen I told him I wasn't sure if I was still going to play, he got angry and said I should still play on the team. So every sunday now for the next 8 weeks we get to see each other at softball.

 

So i guess this makes the no contact situation tough to do, I suppose I don't really have to talk to him while I am playing with the team. I feel kind of awkward playing, as most of the team are his work friends, but everyone seems to playing along like nothing ever happened.

 

To makes things a little more confusing, a guy I had met last week asked me out for dinner and a movie this weekend. I figured what the heck, lets go have some fun and we had a great time. I guess I am very confused as if it is too soon, after only a month after my break up, to be dating someone new, especially when I still have feelings for my ex.

 

He has asked me out again, and I would love to go, but I am very afraid of hurting him, cuz if my ex ever decided to come back, I am not sure what I would do.

 

The saying really is true, that you meet people to date when you really aren't looking, but I am not sure if I will be able to give this new guy a fair chance. They say that if you get back out there and start dating again, that maybe this new attention from a new person will make your ex realize what the heck he gave up, but that isn't a reason to get out there and date someone. Man, am I confused!

 

Anyone have any suggestions or had any experience with getting back out there and dating again, even though the flame is not extinguished for your ex?

 

Buffee