Finally separated after years of talking about it...am miserable now

[kevlar]

Well...we did it...we have separated, and I am so miserable..and think she is too..

 

You can read my previous posts, starting in 2003 with me questioning my marriage, believing I married for convenience and the wrong reasons, to 2007, meeting someone on a trip that I felt an instant connection to and questioning why I didn't have this in my own marriage, even at the very beginning..

 

She too has been unhappy for a long time. From my previous posts you can see that I often began to question my marriage when I was away on business travel, and liked being on my own, and from the awkwardness I felt upon returning, when I didn't really miss her while being away..

 

On these earlier business trips, I let the freedom get a hold of me, and didn't stay in close touch with her while gone, and that was a mistake. On a business trip late last year for a couple months, I swore to myself that I would make a concerted effort to stay connected with her and not lose touch with her while gone, even flying her out to vacation with me for a week..

 

I think my actions after returning from the other trips caused her to put up an emotional wall and prepare herself for me to do the same thing again. At some point during my time away, she stopped telling me she loved me (in reciprocation) the standard "luv you too" at the end of a phone conversation. The first time she did it, I wrote it off, but then paid attention to the fact that for the whole month (the rest of the time I was gone) she didn't do it. I of course confronted her with it at some point, and asked her why was she holding back and she said, "I don't know"..

 

Upon return we had some long talks, and I asked her why she stopped saying it again and I got the same response. So I asked her point-blank if she loved me and she said “I don’t know”.. This caused me to me to do a lot of thinking, and I came to the conclusion that although I’ve made a lot of mistakes, I KEEP TRYING to make this marriage work, but if she can’t tell me she loves me or not, what am I doing here?

 

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND that my actions are a huge part of why we are in this situation. If I could have just loved her unconditionally, and hadn’t questioned the reasons why we got married in the first place, the quality of our relationship, my sexual attraction to her or found comfort outside the marriage, and had just loved her unconditionally, we might not be in this situation.

 

At the beginning of this year, we decided to separate when our house sells, it did, and we are now living in separate locations, and I think we are both miserable.

 

I feel like my world has been ripped apart and think she feels the same way…

 

I’ve had a pain in my chest for the past 3 weeks that the doctor diagnosed as anxiety and gave me medication for it, and this is something I’ve never had before.

 

From talks with her where we both admit that we miss each other, I can’t decide if going back is going to put us right back in the same sinking boat again, or if this has simply been a big eye-opener for us..

 

The next problem in my wreck-of-a-life is porn. I’ve never admitted it online or to anyone in person before, but it has been a HUGE part of my life for a long time, and is the one big dirty-secret that I go to great lengths to hide, and great lengths to obtain and have for years. It hasn’t progressed like I’ve read on porn-addiction websites to harder-core or weird stuff, I like the same old soft-core images/video, of women-only and it is the “variety” of women that interests me..

 

It’s like the “chicken or the egg” analogy, as I don’t know if I turned to porn in my marriage because of the lack of sexual chemistry or if the porn inhibits sexual chemistry and satisfaction with her. Frankly, I’d rather please myself than be with her, and have done so for years. I am seriously disgusted with myself over this and have been so for a long time. It is the thing in my life that I am most ashamed of.

 

My fascination with it started while in the military on deployments where porn allows soldiers to keep their sanity when no women are available, but I suppose some manage its use or stop altogether when they return to regular life and I have not.

 

I’ve sworn an oath to myself that if I go back to her, I can never utilize porn again, because even if I have no sexual chemistry with her, she will be my outlet when I need a fix and this will at least be some sort of an improvement..

 

I stayed over last night, as she needed a “fixit man” for some things she couldn’t do, I was over very late and I needed to do some work on our old property that I promised to do for the new buyers early the next morning, it is near her place, and I wanted to spend some time with my little one.

 

I slept in my own bed, on my own side and we didn’t touch. In some ways I wanted to roll over and tell her it’s going to be okay, and in other ways I’m so afraid that that is simply me missing the convenience of our marriage and we still don’t have any sexual chemistry, so it’s just not going to work, so why try?

 

She thinks I should just come home and we can work on it, but damn it, we’ve been working on it for years! Nothing has changed….I think we’re both just lonely..

 

I don’t know how some people do it.. I wish I had some chemistry with her. I find her “cute”, but can’t bring myself to think of her in an erotic way. She’s 5’ 3”, about 120 lbs and keeps herself in shape, so there’s no excuse there. I see other men, for example ones I work with whose wives (in my opinion) are nowhere near as attractive as my wife, or those that have simply let themselves go and they seem happy as hell, and I envy them. I wish I could do the same.

 

Opinions/Advice much appreciated..

[Unity]

My best guess is you should let the separation last longer. It's new and fresh. If in a few months or a year you both want to try, then and only then should you consider it. It's best not to make a decision while you're both lonely and reeling from the newness of it all.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It sounds to me that if the two of you get back together it will not be because the two of you are in love and want to make it work...it will simply continue to be a marriage of convenience for two people who just don't want to be alone.

[kevlar]

So...I go to visit my little one tonight, and have noticed a trend in the fact that everytime I leave and say goodbye to my wife, I get this pain in my chest on the drive home to my place that the doctor says is anxiety..

 

I think it may be heartache..

 

What the hell is wrong with me/us?

[lostandhurt]

You say you worked on the marriage for years. To put it bluntly I think you are lying to us and yourself. Some people want to be married but simply do not know how. Some are naturals but suck at conflict resolution while others seems to sail along happy as can be.

You and your wife have issues that need an outsider to help cut through the crap. Have you been honest with yourself? No! Have you been honest with your wife? No!

How on earth can your marriage become more loving, respectful and close if there is no honesty.

Your dirty little secret has changed you not the porn. The porn is a fantasy, your wife is reality. I think therapy is in order for both of you individually and then and only then some marriage building for both of you. If it helps your marriage that is great, but if it doesn't it can help you both for your next relationship.

 

I have one last question for you: Would you give your life for your child? Of course you would so the least you can do is give your marriage the one last real try to keep your family whole. Marriage takes work and it seems you really haven't been working on it have you. The happy couples you speak of work on their marriages, rarely do they just magically happen.

 

Lost

[AutumnBorn]

So...I go to visit my little one tonight, and have noticed a trend in the fact that everytime I leave and say goodbye to my wife, I get this pain in my chest on the drive home to my place that the doctor says is anxiety..

 

I think it may be heartache..

 

What the hell is wrong with me/us?

 

 

I'll tell you. You two bought the Hollywood version of love. The stars shooting and angels singing. That's a chemical reaction, not love.

 

Go here and start reading:

 

link removed

[kevlar]

Thanks for all the great advice...

[Circe]

Heartache?

 

I'd go with your doctor's diagnosis of anxiety. It's probably caused by fear of an uncertain future and stress in your case.

[CaptainLimbo]

Hey man,

 

I'm not going to be preachy because I am obviously also not doing too well.

 

I think you might have a sort of 'starter marriage', despite having a kid and lasting longer than average.

 

It seems to me that whatever the reason you got married, it might have been the wrong one. I know this was my case.

 

I wish you the best of luck, and if I were you, I could be strong and continue on alone. But I cannot speak for your heart.

 

Cheers,