Drifting

[joanony]

Reading thru all these posts I know that a lot of people share the same feelings as I do re: feeling empty and aimless. It seems the older I get, the more childish I become and I just get more confused about everything.

 

I've had intermittent and frequent bouts of sad attacks since I can remember, maybe since about 10 years old or so and they just hit me so acutely then seem so ridiculous a day or two later. As the years went on, they were brought on my different things and then gradually became about nothing, I would frequently feel sad for no reason at all.

For instance, I had a wonderful day on Sunday with a boy at work I'm interested in and there seem to be good vibes. It was a good fun day at work, even though I'd only been there a month or so, I've already got quite a few good friends there. But somehow on the train home, I just started to get into this dark mood and my mind just kept spinning and I couldn't keep up with all these random thoughts in my head that were making me feel really off-balanced, like something wasn't right in the greater universe of something.

 

I keep having these little epiphanies in my life, like realising how little things can really brighten up ur day, or how small I am in the world so I shouldn't beat myself up over my mistakes because they really don't matter. And these little thoughts can cheer me up instantly when they dawn on me but I can't sustain a sense of well-being no matter how many times I tell myself that I won't let myself be swallowed up by self-pity and self-loathing anymore.

 

I don't know what to do with my life. I thought I knew what I wanted to be (when I grew up which I assumed would be around now - I'm 23) but I just don't have a passion for it anymore. I'm not passionate about anything really and anything I like always seems to be a passing interest. I keep travelling overseas to escape any sense of responsibility at home regarding my 'future' (I graduated last year so that responsibility ie career mortgage etc is rearing up on me bigtime and I always feel judged when people ask me what I'm doing now I've graduated and I seem to be justifying my casual retail job to all the "tsks tsks" I'm imagining from the minds of all the suits that come in once they find out I'm not studying anymore) and because when I'm travelling my future doesn't matter, I am only for the there and then and loving every minute of it, discovering new things with every passing moment. I try to keep the same sense of interest at home but it's just too easy and familiar and I don't even feel like I fit in in the city I grew up in, like something simply doesn't gel between us.

 

An unforeseen side effect of this aimlessness is that this boy I'm interested in intimidates me because he's only 21 but seems so creative (I studied graphics so creativity is a big issue for me, he's doing an architecture degree) and focused and passionate. The more I get to know him, the more intimiated and less sure I am that I'd be good enough for him. Even though he seems interested at the very least to get to know me better (he instigated the lunch tete-a-tete), I'm scared I'm starting to give him the wrong impression about my own feelings towards him because I know I'm becoming quieter around him like I'm afraid I'll say something ridiculous to turn him off completely.

 

I don't know, I'm just ranting and rambling. I just wish I could get rid of these darker feelings but they've been with me for so long it just feels like its a part of me that no-one has any idea exists and I feel like such a fraud when I interact with anybody.

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You are what you love, not what loves you

[deviousj420]

ive felt that way b4 and styill sumtimes even do now - i got on meds from my dr for depression - try sumthin - itll change ytou around alot - dont be afraid - cuz really its just an option to see if it works - dont got no other options at the time bein ryte? so try that - anyways 0 i love to travel n thats sumthin i wanna do alot jsut to get out of here cuz new excitement and journey is what i crave n what motivates me most - id love to come with ya next time you leave - but for real talk to your dr n see what thewy haveta say - im takin lexapro nit works wonders - tho sumtimes imstill retarted in the head =0)~ i feek 75% better

hope ya feel better!

heather

[butterflykiss04]

I know how you feel I am a 23 year old with a five year old and a one year old except that you have accomplished alot more I get real down on myself alot I didnt graduate and I try really hard to make it with 2 kids but you know what It sounds to me like u are afraid to be happy because you have gotten so ussed to being sad give this guy a chance who knows he might inspire u and like devious said meds are not a bad idea I take zoloft and I works as far as people judging u dont sweat it girl small people are like that.

 

 

[myplague234]

im 15 and can relate. i have odd feelings about a lot of things. i dont want to go in depth but just try to sort things out in your head and firgure out whats going on first.

[ShroudedSorrow24]

I can totally relate to you... Ever since I was 10 or 11 I can be happy one day and then sad for a day. It also changes within the day. I'm great in the morning and sad in the evening (and vice versa).

 

I always have those crazy thoughts of the world is so huge and I am such a tiny thread in all of the intricate patterns, so why should I matter?

I don't know if you've ever had the feelings where you just look back at things that have happened to you in the past, and inside you feel as if it never really happened. Or if you also have that feeling while your doing something...like it's not really happening. Well I'm just ranting now...But I just posted to let you know that you are definitely not alone

[Caldus]

It took me forever to learn this but the only person who can truly make you happy and at peace within yourself is simply you. I think the first step with all of this is to just realize that you can change and not feel like that all of the time. I still feel like you do sometimes but not nearly as much as I used to. I guess it's about developing confidence about life itself. You should just follow what your heart says when making difficult choices such as what kind of job you want to get or whether you and this other guy are right for each other. It's possible that he's feeling similar to you. Everyone hides some things from everyone else. I hide a lot of my emotions in front of other people in real life. I would just get to know him even more and after a while make the decision. Again, follow your heart. Another thing: Don't be so worried about all of this. Whatever happens in the future will happen and don't let little things in life put you down. Sometimes we think that things are going wrong just because we sense things in a certain way or because we don't sense something that we need/want. We are limited by our senses, but we can still enjoy life! Good luck!