Where to go from here?

[Nana00]

When I was in another country half way around the world last year, I dated this guy (introduced by his older sister) for 7 months. He left that country towards the end of last year. That's when our relationship took a dive, but even before he left, we were on rocky roads. Before I met him, his sister and I were friends. She would often mention his brother, with the intention of us becoming friends. From hearing stories about him, I had my doubts. I'm use to more independent people. He wasn't. Long story short, we started to date. I'd hoped my doubt about him was just that...a doubt, but it wasn't. It was a major problem in our relationship. He's 30 yet he works with his sister and he lives with her. They talk on the phone daily. Being an only child, I can't understand this kind of relationship or he calls it family-ship. From little, he listened to his sister...where to attend college, where to work, etc. This is nothing new to him. I thought it was something he could grow out of. In the beginning of our relationship, we were inseparable. When I went out with my friends, I would invite him and he would come. Everything was peachy. Gradually, things changed. He be came more distant. He always had 'something' to do. I thought this was normal...when things are okay, guys tend to back off while girls become paranoid. One day, I had a gut feeling something was off...I caught him smoking. He told me he'd quit, but this is a lie. He kept the lie for 4 months. To me, a lie is a lie, regardless of what the lie is about.

 

I ended up forgiving him thinking "if you fool me once, shame on you, if you fool me twice, shame on me". We continued our relationship with most of my trust gone. I guess it also doesn't help when in the beginning of our relationship he says he doesn't know if love lasts forever and he jokingly said I'm not his type. Again gradually, he became more and more distant. He would have random gifts from people, when asked, he said they were from friends. I thought it could be from his sister. He already knows I think he lives in his sister's shadow, so I dropped the subject, not wanting an argument. He also has anger issues. I've never dated anyone getting upset over small matters.

 

Towards the end, when I invited him out with my friends, he didn't come. It seemed he doesn't like the night scene anymore. The few times he came, out of no where, he would start to pick fights. It stunned my friends who met him for the first time. Needless to say, none of them like him.

 

We broke up in mid February. Towards the end of March, I laid my cards on the table and told him I still wanted to be with him, but he doesn't feel the same. I begged, pleaded, embarrassed myself. Nothing worked. I left that country and came back home to the States. I had closure. I cried my eyes out and I had to admit, I found this forum then. I read on a daily basis and could relate to so many people. I closed myself in, no contacts with anyone. I'm staying with my parents so friends couldn't really reach me. After reading this forum with a combo of listening to music and going through boxes of Kleenex, I started to move on. No contact was the way to go. Which I learned on this forum.

 

Out of nowhere in June, he started to contact me. He wants to get back together and wants to marry me. I was skeptical but wanted to be friends and go from there. Keep in mind, we're half a world apart. Last month, we started to talk again, maybe once or twice a week. I noticed when I send him emails or text messages, he doesn't respond until days later,which for him is abnormal. This guy would take his phone into the shower if he could. When I asked him about this, it would be some excuse, he doesn't have internet or he couldn't send text (umm...for days?). Earlier this week, a very good friend of mine in his city told me she has seem him clubbing just about every weekend. This is quite a strange change from his lack of interest in going clubbing when I invited him. When I asked him about this, he said he goes clubbing just to listen to music and drink. I also asked him when his words and actions don't match, which I should believe, he couldn't answer. Why would a guy tell his ex girlfriend he loves her, he wants to be with her, and he wants to marry her, then behind her back, go clubbing every weekend? Yesterday, he finally admitted to looking at girls at clubs. He said he won't do it anymore. To me, it's too late. He completely lost my trust. I'm going to make even more of an effort to move on this time.

 

So where do I go from here? The no contact rule worked, he came back, but now it's not working and I want this to end. I'm definitely going to follow the no contact rule again. Does the no contact rule work for a second time? I don't want him back...so I need to be prepared? I just hope I won't become weak.

 

Oops, I didn't mean for my story to be so long. I got a little carried away. Thank you for reading.

[KittyBoo]

I think that the next time he contacts you that you should politely tell him that you are no longer able to maintain contact because it hinders you from moving forward. Tell him thank you for the time you spent together but that you do not wish to remain a part of each other's lives. And then just be firm in your resolve and do not reply to any attempt that he makes to contact you. Good luck.

[savignon]

I suggest re-reading your thread. It doesn't seem like you were ever really very into him. Ask yourself what exactly you miss about him. It doesn't seem like it was the right fit even from the start (based on your description)

[Nana00]

Honestly, I was cautious from the start. Partly due to my past breakups and party due to hearing about him and being introduced by his older sister. Regardless, I fell in love with him. For whatever reason, we just had chemistry. He was wrong for me in every way. Every one of my friends and even a close friend of his asked me what I saw in him. I couldn't pin point, it's just a feeling that I have when we're together. I'm 28, but I feel like our love is like high school love. I was extremely worried about our future and wondered if we even have one, BUT, I pushed that thought aside and just wanted to be with him. I not sure if I can explain why I was with him. I miss that feeling I have when I'm with him, we just have chemistry. I've had many guy friends in the past, being an IT major in college, I was constantly surrounded by guys. Some were great looking, some had great qualities, but I didn't feel that chemistry with them. I don't usually feel that chemistry with many, only a few. I was more cautious this time because we only had chemistry to go off of. We had major cultural and personality differences, and communication problems. If it's just chemistry, that could easily disappear right?

 

I might appear to be not into him, but I was deeply in love, and he knows it too. Like anyone in love, I did everything I could for him. I cooked every dinner for us (I don't even cook for myself). Buying him scarves and gloves to keep him warm in the winter. I tend to be spoiled a bit being an only child, but with him, I catered to his every need. When he was upset (which was often), I would be the first to apologize, whether it was my fault or not. I told him not to be angry because it's not good for his health. He was serious about our relationship too. Before he left, he bought us a couple's ring, to him is a promise ring, but this was returned after we broke up in February.

 

I've been back since mid April, I haven't done anything with my life. I feel lifeless and wounded. No confidence to even look for a job. Lately, I keep thinking, what makes a guy tell his ex girlfriend that he wants to be with her and wants to marry her, then turns around and go clubbing every weekend with a guy friend? I don't mind it if his behavior is the same now as when we dated, but he's clubbing more now. He admitted to checking out girls at clubs, but I'm not sure if this is the main reason that he goes? If there are any guys out there who have said this before, could you please explain? I'm trying to understand the reason behind it.

 

This is the second time I'm going through NC with the same person, it doesn't get easier does it? I keep wanting to email him and tell him it's over and not to contact me, but that's just an excuse to contact him. Is anyone going through the same? Facing NC the second time around with the same person?

[Nana00]

Feeling awful...I went shopping today to get out of the house, but every few minutes, I would get teary eyed It was only two days ago that he sent a text saying he won't look around anymore. I want to email him and ask him so many questions...like what propelled him to tell me one thing and behind my back, look around. It makes me feel not good enough. I'm guessing most guys on this forum won't do this so they can't answer this question.

 

Right now I feel like the best approach is 'silence is golden'. Sometimes he doesn't respond for days or weeks post argument. Even though I keep having this urge to email him and give him a piece of my mind, deep down I know it's over. It's no use. Nothing can be built on a trustless foundation. I don't want to hear him explain anything because I think it'll just be some excuse, but why do I want to contact him? I'm so confused.

 

If he can not contact me, then I can too, right?

[Nana00]

Yesterday he sent me a text saying "Hi honey, how's it going? I miss you". He obviously thinks we're still together but on a break. He hasn't used 'honey' in 9/10 months, so he knows he's in trouble. Had a mini setback yesterday, someone wore his cologne. I hate scents at times like this. I wish to be like Jane in Someone Like You where she get her erotic nose brain removed post breakup! I'm going to try my best to wait 30 days, after that, I'll email and explain I can't be with someone who makes sweet promises, then searches for other girls behind my back. Don't contact me anymore.

[Nana00]

I'm thinking about sending him a text tonight saying "you don't love me, if you loved me, you wouldn't look for someone else. don't contact me anymore." This way, we both know it's over, not just me.

 

Two scenarios could come out of this.

One, he listens and doesn't contact me. We both move on.

Two, he apologizes. I might become soft. The battle between my head and heart starts again.

 

Any advice? Should I wait longer to send him a message? When I'm okay and really don't care about him?

[oceanblue535]

He doesn't even deserve that and may not care. Cut him out with NC! You know it's what you need to do.