How to handle conservatism, ignorance?

[dr_styles]

ok ignorance probably isn't the right word, maybe naive. Or perhaps better, "innocently immature" lol. Things are going pretty well with girl I'm going out with, at least well considering the really slow and tough (from my PoV) start yes the same one from a few months back. But often something happens which really reminds me how conservative she is when it comes to anything even remotely sexual.

 

Some instances which come to mind:

- just last night we we're watching TV and saw an ad for a push up bra (the ones which add apparent cup size), and very casually normally asked if those actually worked. She first said she didn't know but when I said how not (you're a girl ...), she said she thought the question was inappropriate.

- when we first explored each other's body a bit more (i.e. I felt her breasts), never actually saw them staying covered, and she was worried I thought she was "easy" ... 6 months into the relationship! needless to say but just to clarify, no sex yet, and she won't before marriage.

- I found out she doesn't dress up much because she thinks looking sexually attractive is again, easy, and s-l-u-t-t-y (her words). And we're talking something modest like date wear, or a cocktail dress.

- she can't even properly say the word masturbate and has no idea how it works

 

I know someone as religious as her might have that sex = taboo attitude but if I can't even ask something as simple as whether a pushup bra works or not (c'mon it's not asking about a dildo or something), or how some basic things in the world work it's a little concerning. She's late 20's, a couple of years older than me. That's where the "immature" bit comes in, and some of these things sound like coming from a young teenager still learning about the world.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think it's unfair to call her immature. Her beliefs are hers and she's expressed her opinion about these things openly and calmly.

 

She probably thinks you very immature as well.

 

Are you sure you are a match?

[Brittney2008]

It sounds like you have very conflicting view points are you sure this is the girl for you?

[dr_styles]

In the end that's what you date for, but then how to balance respecting her beliefs (I'm not trying to change them) and "being myself" to find out if she is a match just as you'd hope she is verifying the same to me. If it were typical compromises like no sex before marriage, I can take that fine, but not even being able to talk about a bra, or a dress, is a little worrying for me. The other bit is then what she chooses not to even get knowledge on. I am sure most people who choose not to masturbate (sorry, I'll think of a non-sexual example next hopefully), still know what it's about.

 

I am happy overall but these are a little worrying for the future.

[Brittney2008]

In the end that's what you date for, but then how to balance respecting her beliefs (I'm not trying to change them) and "being myself" to find out if she is a match just as you'd hope she is verifying the same to me. If it were typical compromises like no sex before marriage, I can take that fine, but not even being able to talk about a bra, or a dress, is a little worrying for me. The other bit is then what she chooses not to even get knowledge on. I am sure most people who choose not to masturbate (sorry, I'll think of a non-sexual example next hopefully), still know what it's about.

 

I am happy overall but these are a little worrying for the future.

 

All of your points are valid. I wouldn't be with a person like this.

 

It is her beliefs though and she seems firm in them. Are you willing to continue to see if she will lighten up?

[enalover143]

I agree with others that you have to respect her beliefs, but I also agree with you I think the comment about the pushup bra was a normal thing you asked with no malicious or perverted intent. It's a bit ridiculous she finds that offensive. In general though, it seems you guys are not a good match and I would caution against hanging on simply because you fear you have no other options.

[Dako]

If I dated someone who disliked wine, sunsets or old movies, I wouldn't call them immature. If sexual discussion put them off, I'd consider it another difference and would simply flee.

 

Some people dislike sex and might never change. There's no "normal" to sexuality. It's a big continuum.

[catfeeder]

Are you looking for someone with whom you can lighten up and enjoy yourself? If you can do that with this girl in every other way except with sexual content, then all you need to do is avoid the kinds of conversations you'd avoid with any other woman you respected. If on the other hand, she's wound too tight and your time spent with her is like a big eggshell walk, then maybe consider a walk away from her?

[FathomFear]

I don't know either of you but I'd hazard a guess that you're not really compatible. Sounds like she would be more suited for some guy who was just as conservative as she is. And you likely would be better suited for someone more open-minded and less pent up about these issues.

[dr_styles]

Hmmm bad idea I've accidentally mixed two points together then. There are her beliefs (also likes/dislikes as mentioned) which are made as knowing choices for herself, then there is her knowledge/beliefs about the world in general and this is where I put the immature tag on, just not in the immature-spoilt-pouting way.

 

What worries me is how little she knows of some aspects of the world, not about her choosing not to follow them. I'm ok with avoiding sexual stuff in general conversation but it seems very easy to get into it if the words bra, or attractive is related to having sex with her.

[annie24]

i agree with those who say you two just don't sound compatible.

[Scott12]

In the end that's what you date for, but then how to balance respecting her beliefs (I'm not trying to change them) and "being myself" to find out if she is a match just as you'd hope she is verifying the same to me. If it were typical compromises like no sex before marriage, I can take that fine, but not even being able to talk about a bra, or a dress, is a little worrying for me. The other bit is then what she chooses not to even get knowledge on. I am sure most people who choose not to masturbate (sorry, I'll think of a non-sexual example next hopefully), still know what it's about.

 

Dr. Styles,

 

If she's this uptight about sex (not having sex, but even TALKING about sex) now before marriage, she's going to be just as uptight after marriage. If she's very conservative religiously, then I'd definitely get out while you still can, because you're never going to be able to convince her to loosen up about sex.

 

Scott

[dr_styles]

well had a couple of days to think about it some more and boy it's annoying to think about haha. It sucks because they're question marks on the future really. In a thread a while back I very generally asked what people would want to know or experience first before considering marrying them, and in this case it seems quite a lot. She hasn't specifically mentioned that as a rule (besides from sexual intercourse) but it feels like she applies that rule a lot of things. Again though, I don't know for sure. What I do know is, so far, she's withholding so much I wonder if I'll ever be satisfied she is the one. And just to be frank when there's no premarital sex either I'm not too comfortable with just waiting a couple of years and see what happens.

[Unreasonable]

Some people were simply raised that sex = bad, and they can't get over that, even after marriage. I wouldn't say it has anything to do with maturity or ignorance. It's a different viewpoint. Some religions forbid or frown upon short dresses, strapless stuff and cleavage. Might I ask what religion she was raised as? I can tell you if she was something like a Mormon you could have some serious differences.

 

Frankly, if she is as conservative as you say she is, I'm a bit surprised she let you feel up her breast at all before marriage.

 

Sounds like you guys are just on two different wavelengths and you might need to find someone a bit more like you.

[avman]

Religious debate. Thread closed.