25 Days of No Contact and now I get a Nasty Note.

[skynet74]

True Love just doesn't keep showing up whenever you break up with someone. Once you find a special someone, I believe you should do everything you can to keep them in your life somehow. I don't know a single person who has so many lovers or friends that they can just start throwing them away as if it takes no effort to replace them. Any Ex who does this will soon realize what a mistake they are making.

 

We've all shared something special with our Ex's. Some longer than others. I think the longer a relationship has lasted, the more you should want to keep that person in your life. You've shared years together. Why just give that bond up like it wasn't important. Many of us don't want to give that up. The relationship felt good and we want that back.

 

Many of our Ex's simply don't look at this from our point of view though. They live in a land where The Grass is greener on the other side. Once they see for thmeselves it isn't..... then who do you think they will run back to? They will come back to US. In my opinion there is no damage in thinking this way either. I for one could not even imagine thinking my EX was NEVER coming back. It's the hope of knowing she could wake up tomorrow and want to come home. This is the only thing that keeps some of us going. Without Hope......... You've got HOPELESS. Which one would you rather have? I've made my decision. If the time ever comes when it looks like she isn't ever coming back... then I will deal with it then. But right now Hope is my closest friend. Danimal is a close second!

 

 

 

John

[benevolent]

The lie is that if and when the ex comes back after a breakup and major emotional toil, that you think it is because it was from all your attempts. It takes two people to break up...one to mess up, stop feeling, etc. and one to stop feeling/messing up themselves which leads them to decide they don't want it any more.

 

Sure I'll admit there are exceptions, but overall and from what I've read on here (including your stories), they don't initially come back because of you. They return because they're afraid to be alone, because they know they can walk all over you, because you are a convenience - you get the picture. Is that a good reason? Thats where the lie is, one thinks they came back for us. When in reality they need as much as space, time and a major overhaul like we do.

 

I still love my ex and most likely always will, but I'm not going to let that hope run my life. If it happens that's great, but I'll only accept it if she is a better person for me. If it seems like I harbor resentment, fine, that's my choice, but at least it allows me to move on and not make her a priorty in my life. Now that I think about it, a little resentment is fine because look at what they put us through, despite how much good we have given them.

 

As far as me telling her that I'm hope she's happy and all the best, I already said that...to her face and meant it. To me that's more of a sign of moving on than saying it in this thread.

 

I think those that are reading the post should focus on themselves (man I think I'm sick of saying that) and not have this ultimate plan of getting their ex back. Perhaps it is best to expect the worst versus hoping for what may never happen. Sure, I've said things are possible, maybe not at the frequency you'd like to hear, but regardless of what you say, you still are using that idea of hope as [wrong] motivation.

 

As far as having the NC rule helping you out, that is great, but think how much better it would be if you went on with it indefinitely. You now say you want your ex back, whereas before you said if she doesn't come back then that's ok too. Well, which is it? My sense is that you say things on here to sound good, but you don't know what you want at all since you waiver constantly.

 

Remember, it wasn't too long ago that you were talking about snooping on her e-mails, having her call the cops on you, etc. My feeling is that you are still doing the snooping, are not using the NC rule because of fear of her calling the cops and in total denial.

 

I say this to you because you ought to stop hurting yourself with this relationship, especially one in which she just falls back to man after man. How could you be okay with that? I don't care if I don't know her, but any sane person would say screw that, especially after 3 times.

 

What is it about this woman that makes you want to go back. Can you list 10 reasons for us to know? Hell, maybe I'm missing something and I or all of us could learn something.

 

Was she a first love? An only love? What is it?

[danimal77]

HAHA. Thanks John.

 

Hang in there buddy. We'll do it. We've done it, right? We'll do it again. In the meantime, it's a good thing that they don't know about this site, right? I swear, if it wasn't for this site, I would have been so tempted to cave in, on many an occasion.

 

The truth is, she'll be back from her week long vacation from Cuba, where she went alone. I've hung in there and now, starting tomorrow, she'll be back, which means I have access to her again, if I wanted it, but I can't think this way. Tomorrow does mark 1 full month since the breakup. I'm on day 19 of NC this time around and when she comes back tomorrow, no, she will not have an email waiting for her, or a message on her cell phone. She'll have nothing.

 

Think about it guys. She's been away for a full week, by herself, or one would hope, right? Is there any chance that she'll come back, thinking, expecting, or secretely hoping that Dan has attempted at initiating contact? Sure there is, but I haven't.

 

I was very upset when I found out that she reconnected with her ex a month ago and who knows who else, after the breakup and joined her single chat, applied for jobs out of state and deleted everyone of my cherished emails before she went on her trip. Man, it was hard to swallow, but I did it this time around, where as in the past, I would act on impulse and do whatever I was compelled to do at the time.

 

The real challenge begins now. How much space do we give ourselves? How much space do we give them? When is the time right to make a move? Too little time, will handicap you even more. Too much time, strengthens the chance of them having moved on in every sense and not only in the process of having done so.

 

These are all questions that each and everyone of us has a different answer to.

 

Patience and the will to survive will make impossibilities and dreams become a reality my friends.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[skynet74]

Remember, it wasn't too long ago that you were talking about snooping on her e-mails, having her call the cops on you, etc. My feeling is that you are still doing the snooping, are not using the NC rule because of fear of her calling the cops and in total denial.

-------------------------

 

 

Well first of all you have to get the people in this forum straight. I have NEVER snooped on anybody's e-mail and she has never called the Cops on me. You've obviously got me mixed up with someone else.

 

 

John

[benevolent]

What is so hard about explaining to us why your ex is so worthy? I'm sure others on here would love to hear what your motivation is and if you can't produce anything for me, then do it to help out others in the post.

 

 

 

 

Have you asked yourself what her thought is of you? Based on all that you have said and done, would you take yourself back?

 

And are you still snooping through her e-mails?

[avman]

Everyone behave yourselves please. You are all starting to cross the line into flaming and thats not permitted here.

 

avman

[danimal77]

Skynet,

 

Benevolent was referring to me. I'll take the bullet for that one.

 

Benevolent,

 

I am not a confrontational person by nature, but it is obvious that we have two very different attitudes and approaches. Stick to what works for you, as I will do the same. I will continue offering advice to other members, as I see fit and you can do the same thing, however, there is no need to follow up on my progress, or lack there of.

 

To answer you question of would I take back myself, if I was treating myself this way. No, I wouldn't have taken back the man I was when she left me. Have I come a long way since then? Yes, I have.

 

I in no way indicated that I deleted her messages or voice mails. All I said was that I left none of my own and what is wrong with having felt the way I felt when she left me? It's what I've done with myself since and I've come far. I know that. You can have your own opinons and I will respect them, just please stop presuming and assuming things about me.

 

Thank you,

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[Mix Maxster]

Dammit, I tried to make a response, but for some reason I finished it and hit submit but the damn thing told me to log in again and I lost the post

 

Well I'll try to think of it again but it'll be hard. Anyways, this isn't a flame against Benevolent so PLEASE refrain from attacking me or whatever. Anyways, Benevolent made the note of asking why it is we would want them back in that sense or why we would give them that option when they could easily walk all over us. That is because if they come back for the reason they could walk all over us then it wouldn't matter if we improved or not, it wouldn't matter if we did any changes. We can be the same old guy and they'd come back and walk all over us, but if we become "the catch" for them then chances are they came back because of our influence on them.

 

Think about this, if we've all been reading these posts and understanding them and believing what everyone is saying and are living by it then WHY is it then that we don't give up. People will tell you right off that you're in denial or that you're going to get hurt in the end and that this is foolish behaviour to hold onto something you don't have. Ok well then are we just supposed to move on and whatever because that seems like the right thing to do for ourselves? that it proves that there ARE other ones out there and that we shouldn't give our exes that benefit because they messed up? TRUE but WE messed up too. Chances are they left just like any OTHER person would have left, do you think our behaviours and our causes for our splits would have been tolerated by anyone else? I'm going to say no, so if you change that and fix it and your ex believes it and comes back, we're supposed to turn them down because they missed out on their chance? I don't know about you but that's pretty shallow and low. And don't get me wrong, do NOT think I'm doing it for her... I'm doing it for myself because of every other women out there including her.

 

On the other point of saying that once again if most of us believe that there are others out there for us, that there isn't JUST ONE person for us, that there are a lot of people who could love us more than our exes did or connect on the same levels or aren't as pushy as our exes or whatever.... why do we still hold on? why do we NOT give up after we understand and know this? IF we know there are others out there for us and there are a lot of great people, why don't we want to pursue these people? Is it REALLY denial or being stubborn when you KNOW in your HEART that there's people out ther and you could so EASILY prove that too, but choose not to because you believe they can come back??? Ask yourself that question because quite honestly if I know I could have anyone in the world, why do I choose my ex and DO NOT say it's because I enjoy the challenge of her because I could get that kind of challenge from any girl.

 

One last thing, sometimes it takes us to change and love ourselves without them before they love us again. When we love ourselves and love the singlehood because it gives us the chance to disappear and reclaim ourselves, well then aren't they reserved to that right to come back? because I don't care just about her dumping me, I KNOW that with what I was doing ANY GIRL would have done the same a LOT sooner than she did. I know this and I didn't do anything until AFTER being dumped so really if I reclaim myself into being a damn fine catch well then if SHE don't want me in the end I can have anyone else and it's EXACTLY that attitude that won't leave me hurt if she denies me because I only was going by what I felt I could get. If it's all you're counting on well then you will get hurt. And just because they stopped loving us once does NOT mean they really stopped loving us because this is what they think is the case, sometimes it takes them going out and finding what's out there for themselves first before they really fall in love with us because they're just as if not more confused than we are.

[benevolent]

Chances are they left just like any OTHER person would have left, do you think our behaviours and our causes for our splits would have been tolerated by anyone else? I'm going to say no, so if you change that and fix it and your ex believes it and comes back, we're supposed to turn them down because they missed out on their chance? I don't know about you but that's pretty shallow and low. And don't get me wrong, do NOT think I'm doing it for her... I'm doing it for myself because of every other women out there including her.

 

I think that has been my stance and point for basically every post I responded to. The point being, that one should focus on themselves, improve themselves, try to correct wrongs, etc. The problem and confusion, I think, is that when someone qualifies their statements with comments about getting back together with their ex in the future or something else that involves their ex in that realm of thought, it's basically a lie to themselves. It's not a sign that they have started the process of healing themselves. Believe me, I was the same way and I've seen many others who responded the same way with the "yeah but..., you don't know us, you don't understand, etc..." It's so critical that you be honest with yourself and accept the fact that your ex may never be back in your life. That is a possibility and a reality [at the moment] for many of us.

 

I think (and others have shared my sentiment here), that time, a lot of time is needed for one to break out of that fix, that is our ex. The other thing is that once your head starts to clear, you can look at the relationship in a whole new perspective. A lot of the posts I've read suggest that the problem is with us, but no one really talks about the flaws that our ex's have. Has anyone considered or entertained the thought that if we improved yourself that maybe you would see you ex in a different light and may not want to deal with that? Just to reiterate, I think when someone places their ex as the "ultimate' goal during this whole healing process, it's really a disservice to you.

 

I'm not trying to discourage reconciliation and getting back together with our exes. I would consider it as well, but only if she was a person improved and evolved as well. If she came back because of another reason, like convenience, then I would say forget it. Like a lot of others on here, we knew that we were going to get married, in fact I would have asked her at this point in time. We talked about kids, looked for houses, had a family life (with her kids) and out of nowhere she snatched it all away and left.

 

It's one of the hardest things that we have to go through - the breakup, heartache and NC rule. However, it's not the end of the world and you're only better if you don't allow it to break you.

[Mix Maxster]

You're right Benevolent with most of those points, I guess from my POV I see things differently. It first started off with me not believing, then to me believing because of how great I felt I was and because I felt me and her went together like peanut butter and jam lol then to me believing it because I felt I could get her back. The most successful people go after what they want and they stop at nothing to get it, is that denial when you chase your dreams? It may be for some, but it's not what I believe and I honestly do NOT believe my ex won't talk to me again. I have a strong feeling she will want to get back together once she sees what is out there. This new guy she is dating is lacking so much and I KNOW he's not going to do enough for her, but who am I to dictate that. Anyways, you said you never heard anyone saying things about their ex? Hmm well I thought there were posts like that because trust me I could list TONS of stuff on here about my ex, but mature people don't ditch people because of that... you don't just pick and choose your friends and say **** to those who are bad or who are lacking or whatever. Anyways fine I could list some things, she's stubborn, thick-headed, single-minded, (basically stubborn and she there's many a other things that irked me, but it's not a big deal and just because she did some things to hurt me doesn't mean she enjoyed doing them. SHe felt she was doing what made her happy and what felt right to her, but I"m sure she'll rethink her decision. I mean afterall, why wouldn't she? she's not THAT stubborn.

[Mun]

We all know that the goal of NC is to heal yourself. To take a step back from the situation and look at it objectively. To see what you did wrong and take a good look at what your ex did wrong. To take time to find yourself ( love yourself) again. To become a stronger person. To learn from the mistakes of the past so that we may not make them in the future.

 

When you begin to heal you will start to see that EVERYTHING is not about the ex. In fact you might find yourself talking less about the ex. Why? Because your focus has shifted from him/her to yourself. That is how you will notice that you are doing better.

 

Getting the ex back is more of a consequence than the reason for NC. Often the other person notices the incredible change in you ( no more calls, no emails, no begging, no pleading) and wonders what happened. Your behavior will influence theirs ( when they still care). You behave like a mature adult, they are forced to behave like that too. It takes two people to argue and create a bad situation.

 

Let's start doing things that will help us to move on. We need to heal in order to feel better about ourselves so that no one will ever walk all over us again. Once we do this we will become more attractive--to everyone--and maybe even the ex .

 

LOVE

[benevolent]

EXACTLY!

[danimal77]

Muneca said: "We need to heal in order to feel better about ourselves so that no one will ever walk all over us again."

 

Muneca I agree with you, with exception to that last part about healing ourselves so that no one will walk all over us again.

 

Who walked all over us? Our ex's? In many of our cases, we walked all over them and that's why they left us. We may have pressured them into doing something they weren't ready for yet, in certain cases and in other's we may just have taken their love for granted.

 

Our ex's aren't the enemies here and I know that's not what you said, but I'm taking it a step further. We were our own worst enemies in many cases and you are in saying that when the shift goes from them to us, we are in a much healthier and better position in general, but in many a case, the focus may have been more on us and not enough on them to start out with, by us exercising our own needs and demands and not taking their's us much into consideration.

 

We do have to become selfish now, in many ways, during this process, but in many ways, as a result of going that, we are truly becoming the opposite and that's where the objectivity factor is essential.

 

With that just said, the lack of emails, phone calls and pleading will only get you so far, in getting your ex to notice you as a consequence of having changed your actions/behavior in that respect. If you are feeling strong enough and are confident enough in yourself, at some point it should be you, who should initiate some form of contact with the ex. That is of course if you still want them back in your life.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[Mun]

Dan I agree with you, sometimes we are our own worst enemies. That's why if you look at my post again you will see that I also said " see what you did wrong and take a good look at what your ex did wrong."

 

There is no surefire formula to fix every single break up. If there was I'd be selling it on Ebay .

 

The thing is that I suggest NC as the best way to find yourself again. Whether you need to become a more loving and caring person, or if you need to get a backbone-that's up to each individual.

 

My advice is not meant for everyone, but like I said you will notice when you start healing that the ex becomes secondary. The most important person you are doing this for is YOU. It is only after this healing has taken place that you can change your relationships for the better : whether it be with this ex or with someone new.

 

I hope that clears it up.

[danimal77]

Muneca,

 

It sure does clear it up and BTW, I just PM'd you.

 

Danimal

[kate111]

Skynet,

 

It sounds like your girlfriend doesn't know what she wants.

 

The note you wrote her was still contact and you cannot do it again. Your ex has already told you she doesn't want contact with you and you need to respect that.

 

But she has to respect it to. You can either tell her to redirect her mail or else write "not at this address" on the front of her mail that comes and then put it back in the post box. She cannot keep coming around like this, it isn't fair on you.

 

You spent 10 years together. You must have alot in common. She is not going to forget you, in fact when she starts to date again there is every chance she will realise what a gem she had in you already.

 

You need to just shut her out of your mind for the moment.

 

This means no contact. Just sidetrack yourself for awhile with other activities.

[Spartan1]

Just had an interesting phone call on Thursday.

 

Ex-wife called up. During the break up and the final divorce she has never called me before, it was always me calling her when I had to contact her as she always done things through the solicitor. I myself kept my calls to a minimum.

 

Anyway, she calls up and we begin chatting. I am thinking to myself, why call me? She is the past. Gone. She left, she made up a ton of stuff about me to get a quicky divorce, she wanted the great single life, she gave up on marriage. Why she calling me? Ten years down the drain. Over, done with. I got my life sorted out, learnt from my mistakes and had moved on.

 

Her conversation consisted of:

 

Her male friends are hitting on her even though she has made it clear she is not interested. These must be the male friends of the new crowd she hooked up with before she asked for divorce because all her other male friends are married. Why she is telling me this, I don't know. I don't care anymore. After nine months of emotional pain I am a bit numbed to her woes. I said to her, these men must of been keen on you for some time, why not date? Give them a chance.

 

There are not many good men out there apparently. Eh? I told her there are loads of good women, not had a problem meeting any. Been asked out on three dates but decided not to date and stay as friends. No good men she says? I told her she is right, all we want is sex really and if her mates up for it as well, all the better. Everyone together...men are bad

 

Sounds like this crowd of singles she fell in with before she asked for divorce are running out of steam. That leaves her with her married friends who are her oldest and are a really nice crowd. I really liked them and miss them.

 

But why is she calling me up to complain about the single life she choose? I don't want to know. I don't care anymore. I told her that her new found single and divorced friends would after a year or so, fade away because they are seeking what most people seek - someone to share life with.

 

I felt so strong when we talked. I made a point of learning from my mistakes but I get this feeling she has not learnt a thing. She hasn't grown from the experience. I was back in my old role of boosting up her confidence which is what I done when we started dating ten years ago. I refuse to do it now, she is a 35 year old woman who values independence, her house and her money over love and relationships.

 

She has her independence. In all honesty, good luck to her.

 

The green stuff will make a nice comfy bed for her to lie in at night.

 

There are few feelings in this world that can rival the sheer pleasure in forgiving and forgetting. To let things be, to stay calm and simply walk away and let them get on with it.

 

My ex wife sounded lonely, eager for conversation, suspiciously intrigued by what I was doing in my life and who I was dating. And to be honest, it was refreshing to be in control, to end the conversation amicably even though she wanted to talk more and to show how I healed beyond her wildest expectations and came out of it stronger than I have ever been. I am more in tune with myself now than I have ever been in my entire life.

 

Time is not the healer. It is what you do with it. You can spend years, decades moping around and not healing or you can focus your time from the moment you break up. My advice is to focus as soon as you can, as soon as you feel able to.

 

Reason I posted is because this person was a part of my life for ten years. I am 33, that is a big chunk of my life.

 

And no, I will not be friends with my ex wife. She could of let two years go by and divorce for a few hundred pounds, but she choose instead to strip me of my dignity and being. Something a friend would never of done.

 

Everyone here can walk out strong if they put their mind to it.

 

Good luck everyone.

[Francis]

 

 

I've found this whole conversation very interesting and honest. I am particularly impressed by these last remarks of Danimal77.