25 Days of No Contact and now I get a Nasty Note.

[skynet74]

Had a 10 year relationship that recently went bad. Girlfriend moved out but comes by once or twice a week to get her mail. On June 1st I decided to not call her anymore because she said she wanted her space. She even said that she wasn't ready to be friends and she would call me when she was ready.

 

Well This week I decided to leave a friendly note in with her mail saying that I am doing well and I hope she is too. I also mentioned that this space apart has done me good because it's given me time to work on myself. I closed the note by saying she deserves the best and I know that she will find it. It was a very nice note that mentioned nothing about love, missing her or anything to do with wanting her back. I did not want her to feel like I was pressuring her back into a relationship. Since I left the note with her mail it was also not like I initiated any contact with her since she did pick up her mail and the note at her own convienence.

 

So I get home and find a nasty note she has written back to me accusing me of sending her a computer virus. Let me mention that I got a Virus and immediately sent all my friends a warning telling them NOT TO open up any attachments addressed from me because the virus was automaticly sending itself to anyone in my address book. So I did the right thing by warning people and here is the thank you note I got from the Ex.

 

I am glad all is well. I am doing good too although I am a little upset because of the virus you sent to my computer. Coincidentally right after I can no longer use my computer you stop taking my calls. Hmmm Seems a little fishy to me. So Thanks. Also the fact that only Candy + I got the E-mail and she opened it on her bosses computer and screwed up his as well.

end

 

Nice of her huh? So even though I did initiate No Contact I had to call her to clear this misunderstanding up. I hate people laying false blame on me. I also told her that I did not pick up the phone when she called a couple weeks ago for two reasons.

 

#1. She said she would call me when she wanted to be friends.

#2. I knew she wasn't calling for friendship. She was only calling me to find out how to fix her computer.

 

Then yesterday on the phone she tells me that she never said she didn't want to be friends. She said she told me she just needed a few days to clear her head. Even though I was being nice on the phone.... very level headed, reasonable and mature, she sounded very agitated and then said she was getting ready to go out and she would talk to me tomorrow.

 

This is a very uncomfortable stage of the game. We are inbetween talking and Not Talking right now. She said she will talk to me Today.... but I feel like it's still only going to be so I will help get her computer running again. I HATE THIS CRAP! For almost 10 years our relationship seemed so peaceful and easy. Now I have walk on broken glass to even get her to be nice to me. She seems angry at the world. Especially ME.

 

Any advice??? I want her back but only if she's going to be the nice person she once was.

 

 

 

John

[fmfisdead]

Hey man, I think your honestly doing everything right, right now she is prolly just mad that your so fine and feeling okay. The virus thing, that stinks, because its true, viruses get sent out to everyone on peoples mailing lists, its good that you told her this too. I would say continue to do what your doing, continue no contact, and as for just fixing the computer, maybe thats a reason for her to contact you? did you ever think about that? You had 10 years toghether, that is something special. Maybe this is just a rough point in the relationship. I think your doing all the right things, and I think any situation that comes up you will make the right decisions. if you need anymore advice you can pm me.

[Mun]

First of all I find it very irritating and sometimes even rather amusing that people will accuse others of sending them a virus. A virus can be sitting in your computer for awhile and when it goes out it does not discriminate ( unless there are certain parameters). Plus the sender is unaware he/she has even sent it out, or that he even has a virus on his pc. Run your anti-virus at least 1 every 2 weeks.

Ok having said that....

 

I think you should stop all contact with her for now. You sending her a note is still contact. Check her reaction to it. She is still feeling very much in control of this situation.

 

Take the control away. Next time she calls let her know (very politely) that you are in middle of something and hang up. Maybe you should forward her mail to her too? just a suggestion.

She asked for time to clear her head, tell her you need time as well and go from there...

 

Good luck

[a_little_sparrow]

Well, skynet, I don't know what to say. The note doesn't sound as nasty to me as it probably sounds to you. A couple things I think are pertinent:

 

first, it's been a month and she's still coming by your place to pick up mail? These are not the actions of someone who wants to keep from contacting you. When I lived with someone and I had to move out of her house I had an address change in pretty quickly. And by the end of the first month, she was only getting a trickle of mail--and that mail she would send to me in bulk. I think it's so strange that she would take all these steps to cut off your cell phone service and take the car, and yet she can't figure out how to get her mail forwarded to a new address.

 

second, she sounds very confused. As most of us sit tight wondering what effect no contact has on the ex, this is a quick glimpse.

 

I think you have the upper hand in this whole thing, just stick to the high road. Remain level headed reasonable and mature if she calls today. Let her lead the conversation to wherever she wants it to go. If she makes reference to the note, just tell her this is really the way you feel, though I don't think I'd go into a list of things you've done to improve yourself. I would stick to the idea that you have faith that no matter what happens things will turn out for the best. Be strong. And know that you have gained a lot of strength since the breakup, but it's the kind of strength you don't need to explain.

 

For the computer thing I would tell her to go pick up a copy of Norton Anti-Virus and they'll have instructions on how to fix the problem. Seriously, she's not helpless. I still can't help replaying the thought of her canceling your cell phone service without telling you. I would help my ex with things on her computer. While we were breaking up, something happened to her DSL connection, and she called tech support. And though it was something I could have helped her resolve in a fraction of the time, I knew it was no longer my business to help with that type of thing. For my ex, I also think it was a matter of her recognizing new levels of independence.

 

To sum up my advice. Let her lead the way in this phone conversation today. And, in order to keep expectations low, I would anticipate having to start no contact again after this phone call. But I guess you'll see when that time comes.

 

Hope this helps some.

[Francis]

Well, after TEN years of being your girlfriend, it is no surprise she is acting that way. She has probably been very nice and patient with you, and all you can tell her now after 10 years is that you are doing fine.

 

If you want the girl, act like a real man and be honest with her and tell her your how you feel, before she meets another guy and you be back on the board regretting the past.

[danimal77]

Francis,

 

Why even mention to him about her finding another man? He's not being any less of a man because he's protecting himself. Sometimes speaking directly from the heart always isn't the best way to go. At times we have to conceal our feelings for a better time.

 

What should he tell her, that he's falling apart without her being in his life, so that she can feel better about herself, knowing she's not alone. She's accusing him of sending viruses.

 

Skynet,

 

I still say, stear clear for a while and take this time for yourself, as much as she's doing. As long as she's throwing you mixed signals and doesn't seem like she really knows what she wants anymore (been there), just take a few steps back and let her know that as much as she needs her time and space to reflect, you do as well. It will help. NC does help and once things have settled down and please don't let the thought of another man pressure you into moving quicker than you should. This isn't a race.

Take your time. Let her have her space. She may not realize it, but she needs it just as much, so, with that said, "be the man" and give it to her for a while. IF she wants to date other guys, fine. If not, that's fine too. That should not be a motivating factor to try and reconcile with her just yet.

 

For the moment, bide your time and take a few steps back. It does wonders man. I wasn't in it for 10 years, only 2, but I'm applying NC for the first time ever and it helps so much. You become stronger and you reclaim something inside of you that lay dormant. She's taking care of herself right now (or at least trying to). You do the same and when you're feeling ready, contact her, but give it time my friend. time heals all wounds.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[benevolent]

Hey it could've been worse...like snooping through her e-mails right

[Spartan1]

I agree with Danimal77. My wife left me after a ten year relationship. Three years of which we were married. I was absolutely stunned when someone who I was so close to turned so cold.

 

There was absolulty nothing I could say or do right in her eyes. This is the same sort of period you are in at the moment. No matter, what you do or say things will be interpretted by her, in the worst possible light. Every action will be interpretted as either an attempt to get her back or to spite her for leaving you.

 

You must ask herself why she thought you would send the virus? What makes a woman leap from being a lover and best friend to suspecting you of motives that would never of entered your head and is not in your nature?

 

The reason she is expecting some of ex-gets even action. She is expecting payback for leaving you. I don't know why but that tends to be the train of thought some people go through.

 

What throws them is when you are nice, respectful, mature and happy for them. Or at least that is the face and attitude you let them see when they talk to you.

 

The way to play it from now on is to focus on yourself. It will be hard. Incredibly hard because you have been together for ten years. But you have to do it.

 

She knows you love her. She knows you want to be with her. Don't worry about this real man stuff. The same rules apply to both genders. You are doing the right thing by remaining pleasant, mature, indifferent and by not appearing needy.

 

She needs space. You are doing the right thing by giving her this space. Do not write any more notes though. There is little to no point. She needs to miss you. I made the mistake of writing the odd note, this can sometimes lead to longer notes. It is a trap not worth getting into.

 

Focus on yourself. Find new interests if you can get motivated. Leave it to her to contact you for a while. Things may yet work out as you want. Out of interest, my ex-wife had changed her attitude for good, people change over time for better or for worse.

 

One final thought. Often to get what we want we have to take actions than run contrary to what we think we should be doing. Strange, but true.

 

Good luck.

 

Spartan.

[danimal77]

Benevolent,

 

One thing for you: Do you deliberately try and instigate arguments man?

 

Everyone who has read his comment can clearly see that, right?

 

Spartan1,

 

I agree with you 100%.

 

Skynet,

 

Stay strong man. Stay focus and don't stop believing?

 

Peace,

 

Dan

[skynet74]

Well, after TEN years of being your girlfriend, it is no surprise she is acting that way. She has probably been very nice and patient with you, and all you can tell her now after 10 years is that you are doing fine.

 

If you want the girl, act like a real man and be honest with her and tell her your how you feel, before she meets another guy and you be back on the board regretting the past.

 

---------------------

 

Well let me give you a glimpse into the past 6 months. In january she suddenly Turned cold and wanted out. Said she didn't want to be with anyone. She needed to find herself. A week later I find out she's hooked up with this friend and thinks she's in Love. He dies from Alcohol poisoning. She comes back to me. Said she missed me. I love her so I take her back. We date for another two months and then she meets a guy at a club and two days later she throws me out like yesterdays garbage again. Takes away my Cell phone, My car and tries to take my home too. I've begged, I've pleaded, I've cried my eyes out. 10 years of telling her I love her at least three times each day. I've shown her more love and affection than you would even believe. This is what she does to me. Is it any wonder why I am trying a different approach right now?

 

 

John

[danimal77]

Spartan,

 

I just wanted to comment on one line of yours. You said: "Out of interest, my ex-wife had changed her attitude for good, people change over time for better or for worse."

 

Don't be so sure friend if she has changed her attitude for good. Good can go to bad and back to good again.

 

Don't stop believing everyone. It's possible. Find your will and you will find your way.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[danimal77]

Skynet,

 

No, it's no surprise. Your woman doesn't know what she wants. That seems pretty clear to me. No offense man, but you're the nice comfortable shoe of which she could depend on. The guy who would always take her back and who would fall apart if she were to leave you.

Well guess what? You're not man. You're a strong guy, who is taking care of his own ass now and keep it up.

 

Now, after read what you just wrote, I strongly encourage you to keep up NC for as long as it takes. This woman has to also know that she can't take you and your love for granted either.

 

Regret will set in, but you have to give that a chance to materialize on her part.

 

Keep it up man.

[skynet74]

Spartan,

 

I just wanted to comment on one line of yours. You said: "Out of interest, my ex-wife had changed her attitude for good, people change over time for better or for worse."

 

Don't be so sure friend if she has changed her attitude for good. Good can go to bad and back to good again.

 

Don't stop believing everyone. It's possible. Find your will and you will find your way.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

 

-------------------

 

 

I agree. I heard a Marriage Counsler sum it up best. She once told you that She loved you and wanted to be with you FOREVER. But then she changed her mind. So SHE DOES change her mind. If she changed it one way then she can also change it back the other way. Never give up hope. The only thing standing in our way of being back together with our ex is one single decision that she can make in an instant. She changed her mind before and she can change it again. My ex told me in january that the chances of ever being back together were slim to none. I think Very Doubtful and "No way" are some other words that left her lips. Well 6 weeks later she was telling me that she loves me and wanted to get a new apartment together with me. So nobody say that they can't change their mind.

 

In my situation I rushed it once we were back together. I put the pressure on non stop about how I wanted to get a new place with her now. How I wanted things back to normal NOW NOW NOW. No wonder she ran away again. She wasn't ready. She obviously still isn't. I think more than anything she is just confused. But according to history I see that she IS capable of coming back again. So we'll see what happens. Thanks so much for all the great advice...... Especially Danimal. You are always there for me.

 

 

Thanks,

 

John

 

 

 

John

[Francis]

Sorry for being so harsh before, but I don't think you're the nice comfy shoes she can depend on, you're the man she has spent half of her life with! I am 100% sure she still loves you, but she probably has a lot of resentment accumulated.

 

I had a similar story with my former bf. He never asked to marry me until I broke up : Why buy the cow if the milk is free. He then married this girl and is already divorced and paying alimony. And all the women he dates look like me.

 

I think that if you both wish, you may work things out and it will all be for the better. If you don't, you will never forget her. Men attach much more deeper than women.

[danimal77]

John (Skynet),

 

The advice is not free . Joke. As much as I agree with you that they could come back as easily as they left us. Quite honestly, this isn't such a good thing though. It shows a little bit of a flighty nature, seeing that they can leave us and meet another guy as well (or reconnect with an old ex, as my ex is now doing), just as easily and then leave him and come back to us and on and on. When does it end? With a person like that, it may never. This is also a sign of inner instability on their part. They tend to lean towards those who they think will provide them with stability, not realizing that it must come from within.

 

I swear to God, this NC has made me realize this, now more than ever before and I will be a lot wiser if she does end up coming back to me again, as her pattern dictates she very well may. Perhaps a healthy woman wouldn't? Perhaps a healthy man wouldn't take her back either?

 

When and if there ever is another us, I will be smarter this time around. That's what these harsh lessons have taught me friends. This NC will also hopefully let her know that perhaps I am not the man she thought I was. I am not there right now at her beg and call anymore, chasing her like a blind puppy dog. I am truly taking care of myself this time around and that's what she truly needed for me to do all along, so that I could take care of her, but she has to be able to take care of herself. That's not my job, as much as it's not hers to do for me either.

 

When we chased them, we shows signs of helplessness. When we stop, we show signs of strength. True strength comes from within and not from them.

 

Get healthy my friends. Become strong and happy with yourselves and look them up. They won't know who you've become, but I can promise all of you, they will not be so quick to want to hang up that phone, or not reply to that email.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[skynet74]

John (Skynet),

 

The advice is not free . Joke. As much as I agree with you that they could come back as easily as they left us. Quite honestly, this isn't such a good thing though. It shows a little bit of a flighty nature

 

----------------

 

This is true. However my Ex was stable for almost 10 years and then turned flighty. So since this is something totally out of character for her I am still in the stage where I'm chalking her behavior up to temporary insanity. If she was like this for our entire relationship then I would totally agree. However since this is something new I think it could still be a phase or something similar. The next 6 months will tell a lot about weather this is temporary or something more permenent. At this stage I just have to lay low and let her do this on her own. Hopefully she'll see her way out of this tunnel of darkness and come back to me. In the meantime as difficult as it is.... I really do have to take care of myself.

 

 

thanks again,

 

John

[benevolent]

Oh can't take a little tongue-in-cheek humor? Besides I think the wink implies that.

 

Just as an aside, your attitude has changed, danima, since the last week or so - going from snooping through your ex's e-mail and being "co-dependent" (as someone else put it) to offering some solid (yet previously mentioned) advice.

 

My question (and this is not meant to knock you) is are you trying to convince yourself that you are healing for the sake of sounding good and resourceful on this thread or have you really changed?

 

Personally, I think you are pulling the same positive re-inforcement talk that you used in the beginning when I first came on here. Like I said in earlier posts, it was admirable, but I think you could just see through it.

 

Again I think it great to be positive and determined, but if you keep on qualifying your comments with hopeful comments of getting together with your ex in the future then I think you are doing a great disservice to yourself and to someone else who you may end up with.

 

In looking at all the posts here, there is a commonality shared by alot of us here:

 

1. Our ex wanted to move on, needed space, wants to find themselves, etc...

2. We've come up with ways and methods to get them back all to no avail.

3. Many are allowing themselves to be setup for pain.

4. NC sucks early on

 

I think the hardest thing to do is isolate yourself from all the emotion, pain and what if thinking. NC has allowed me to deal with my whole situation in a better light. The key thing here, despite what others may say, is that it takes a lot of time. Personally, I think a few months at the least is when you start to notice the lessening of pain and everything that you've felt post breakup. What is also key is to focus on you and improve yourself. What did you do wrong and how are you going to improve that part of yourself - not for your ex, but for you and for someone else that may be in your life. Hang out with your friends, learn a hobby - just focus on bettering yourself.

 

In my 7 months, I learned to play guitar, I took dancing lessons, I joined a gym and spent time with close friends and family, etc. Will you have your off days? Absolutely. But what you should see is a change in you and less of a focus on your ex. You will see your relationship objectively and will start to admit the faults and flaws that it harbored. You'll also begin to see what you really want and realize that your needs and wants should be complimented with equality. I know this may seem impossible, but it can and will happen. I was in your shoes and felt true physical pain as well. I thought my life was over and would never be the same. Yet, 7 months later I am a much better person than I was in the beginning. True, I haven't completely changed and I'll more than likely "fall of the wagon" sort to speak, but it won't be as bad or intense.

[danimal77]

Francis said: "you will never forget her. Men attach much more deeper than women."

 

Why make a statement like that? That is such a generalization Francis. No offense please, but I've noticed a trend of people on this forum who act like they have the entire opposite gender figured out. No, those of you who think they do, sorry, you don't!

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[danimal77]

Benevolent,

 

Time will tell, won't it? Yes, it will!

 

Even though we all may share a commonality, everyone's situation was different, because all are different, as are our ex's. One ex may never come back to you, after having left, in which any attempt at trying to bring them back, will be to no avail, as was in your case (sorry) and then there are other ex's who will come back numerous times, and either stay or leave again.

 

There isn't a quick fix and I'm no longer looking for one.

 

Time will tell and so will a little elbow grease.

 

BTW, we should jam man. I've been kickin' out jams on guitar for 14 years now.

 

One more thing. Do I still believe that I can get my ex back? Yes, I do. Have I changed in the last month? Yes, I have. Judge for yourself.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[Francis]

Hi guys, I read a psychological or sociological study about six months ago (I forgot the name, this is why I did not want to mention this fact) that men attach at a slower pace but much deeper than women. And from my own experience, I believe that is true.

[benevolent]

My ex wasn't one who didn't come back - let's just clear that up. If she ever did (and that may happen), then I'll only take her back is she if sincere about it, is willing to accept me for me, will have no problems working at the relationship and has truly changed for the better herself.

 

I think that is the difference of what long term NC can do for you. I reached a point where the idea of wanting her back wasn't an issue any more. I moved on and while I may have fallbacks, my trend is always up and for improving me.

 

Personally, I just think that when one throws in their ex in almost every comment, especially when it suggests or implies hope and getting back together, it's just a sure sign that you have not moved on, even when one claims it.

 

Think about it, our ex's basically said F you and your feelings, even though they might have done it in the nicest way. I say fine and let them be a non-issue. If you want them back in your lives then let them earn it.

I think we owe it to ourselves to worthy of one's love and caring, etc. I've read posts where people have gotten back and failed? Why? You filled a void, were a convenience and a safety blanket. More importantly, you didn't allow yourself to heal or start the growing process.

 

Whether we know it or not we have an advantage and chance to become a much better person out of this. I think our ex or anyone else would appreciate that much better.

[danimal77]

Benevolent,

 

Why did your ex basically tell you to F Off? She doesn't have to earn anything with you. She owes you nothing. The sooner you realize that, the better off you may be as well. If you respect yourself, she will as well.

 

Whether you want her back or not and have moved on from her, is once again, your perogative. Other's may have a differing one.

 

Once again, everyone has a different reality, based upon their own life and experinces. It's all in your perception. You are not dealt cards in life. You are presented with options. You choose the hand you want to work with.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[benevolent]

Uhhh....big misread here I guess.

 

My ex didn't tell me to F off. What I'm saying is that's what they're really saying when you get the "need to find space, got to find myself" spiel. They're just being nice about it.

 

I'm fully aware that she owes me nothing, just like I owe her nothing. And as far as respecting myself - have you been reading my posts man!?!?! This is something that I have no problem with and my self-respect does not cater to her. That's my point, NC is all about YOU, not on how you want your EX to perceive you - why live a lie?

 

Man I hate being having a summer cold...I should be out playing softball and not on the 'puter.............

 

blahhh

[skynet74]

Hi guys, I read a psychological or sociological study about six months ago (I forgot the name, this is why I did not want to mention this fact) that men attach at a slower pace but much deeper than women. And from my own experience, I believe that is true.

--------------------

 

I agree with that. At least that is the way it has always been for me. When I first meet a women it usually takes me about a year to actually feel like I could be in love with her. With my Ex's it seems like they have been crazy in love within the first few months. With my lastest relationship I am hurting over right now I told her I loved her first but I think she felt it a lot more at first then I did. Somewhere at about the half way point) 5 years into it) I think my Love kept growing and hers may have started subsiding. Little arguments started happening which I didn't see as warning signs at the time. In hindsight they may have been. I just thought they were some growing pains in our relationship. If I was able to look into the future at that time then at least I could of changed things at that point and attempted to weigh the scale in my favor again. Unfortunately I have 5 years of weight on her side that I now have to tip back to where it belongs. How the hell do you do that? It's not going to be easy, but I'm trying my best.

 

 

John

[danimal77]

Benevolent,

 

On one hand I agree with a lot of what you're saying, yet, you make comments about "why live a lie?"

 

What's the lie? Some of our ex's do come back to us for a reason and I know that your ex didn't tell you to f off. I am are you were not speaking in the literal sense, but more so the figurative sense. I misread nothing.

 

What I was trying to explain, was that people don't just pick up and go and tell us to f off, in a "nice way". There are reasons for it and more times than none, we pushed them away from us, for them to get to that point to leave us.

 

You did love her once, right Benevolent? It still seems to me like you are harboring resentment towards her. I have yet to hear you say, I hope she is happy and I wish her all the best? That what indicate more along the lines that you truly have moved on from her and that is your goal, right? To make it all about you and not her? Well, unlike you, I do still love her and I am aware of why she left me and contrary to what you keep implying about my ulterior motives here, which makes me more and more aware that perhaps you have become quite cynical as well, that this NC has helped me out a lot, in many different ways, but I DO NOT SHARE YOUR FEELINGS, okay?

 

I want my ex back, but I also want me back and that's what I am working on. I do not have false hope. I have hope. Take it for what it is.

 

Come on here and encourage people and tell them that it COULD HAPPEN and it MAY BE POSSIBLE, rather than giving off the impression that it can't or shouldn't, based upon your own personal biasis and negative experiences that may have infected you in the process.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal