Fiance is kind of..letting himself go.

[PhilliesFan001]

I don't really know how to write this without sounding like a complete jerk.

 

My fiance & I have been together for over 5 years and we're getting married next year. He's been depressed over the last year and a half and has also been working 6 days a week so I think that combined has led to some personal care issues.

 

For one thing he's now about 50 pounds overweight. He eats nonstop junk, I assume as comfort food. Lots of chips, buttered toast, big portions at dinner, sandwiches, Coke..etc. We currently don't live together (I have to be a few hours away for work) and he has no time to cook for himself (gets home at about 6:30, then has night classes) so he just eats a ton of frozen junk.

 

The bad eating has also led to some stomach issues so now he passes gas constantly. I understand everyone does but he does it so often it's really starting to gross me out

 

He has no real time to exercise and when he does have time, he lacks the motivation to do so. I've tried getting him to go for walks with me but it never lasts long. He's on medication to help lower his blood pressure, which he never takes because he "forgets." The extra weight has also led to back problems which he'll never get looked at.

 

Aside from physical health, obviously the depression is still here and because of the work and classes he has no time to see a therapist or get any real help. He was on antidepressants but took himself off.

 

I just feel..I don't know. I love him so much and I'm still attracted to him, but I'm afraid if things keep declining, I won't be. He knows he needs to lose weight and start taking better care of his physical & mental health, but he just won't.

 

I don't know how to bring this up and show how important it is to me without upsetting him or hurting his feelings Obviously I want him to lose weight for attraction purposes, won't lie, but I'm afraid that he's creeping into scary health territory. He's only in his 20s and he already has weight, blood pressure, knee, back and neck problems. I want him to live a little longer!

 

Any ideas?

[lavenderdove]

It sounds like depression is the source of this problem, as all other behaviors flow from that... it makes you feel tired, hopeless, etc., so sometimes just doing the minimum to too much, so bad eating habits etc. can come to the fore, especially if he is using food to comfort himself like a drug.

 

But he is responsible especially for things like taking his medications so that he can get better. If he refuses to do that, then he is not only wrecking his own life, but the life of anyone he takes as a partner because she'll have to live with his continuing depression, which is a tough life for both the depressed person and his spouse.

 

I would first start wtih the approach that he is obviously depressed, and that he must start seeing a therapist and taking medication if necessary. You can insist on that, and i would not marry him until he is showing serious signs that he is willing to step up and take responsbility for his mental health. If he can lick the depression, then he may on his own when he has more energy and a better outlook start caring for his physical health. It is extremely common for depressed people to start neglecting hygiene and physical health, in fact one of the signs of depression.

 

Also, you need to examine why he is so stressed out and overworked, and work to change that. He may need to ramp back his schedule, work less or take fewer classes, whatever it takes to fix his life such that he doesn't make the depression worse by stacking on more stress and no time to relax and take care of himself.

 

So i'd start with the depression, telling him you are worried about him and he MUST take care of that and see a therapist and take his meds. And don't marry him unless he does, and if he refuses, make it clear that you want to live a happy and normal life, and he needs to start making that a goal rather than just living life in a miserable fog and not taking responsibility for his health.

[vertigoxo]

I have depression. I use food as a means to comfort myself, especially late at night. I am not medically considered overweight, but I am out of shape and have an unattractive amount of midsection fat. I'm starting to even grow love handles.

 

Anyway... I would definitely talk to him about getting himself to a doctor's office to see what they can do for his depression. Medication is not always the answer to everybody's cases- Maybe he needs a few changes in his daily activities. Yes, this includes exercising and cutting out the junk food. Instead of a donut, he can eat an apple. Instead of buttered toast, he can eat a healthy turkey sandwich. And so on and so on. Here are other things to also include in his daily life that can help considerably for his depression:

 

- Getting the recommended 8 hours of sleep each and every night. He should go to bed at night and wake up in the morning.

- Light therapy. Everyday, he should go outside and relax under the sun for 10 minutes. The sun naturally makes people happy and he gets his daily vitamin D supplement, which could also help his depression symptoms lessen.

- Healthy dieting and light exercising. Eat 3 square meals a day, with maybe a healthy snack in between the major eating times. A nice 30 minute stroll around the neighborhood or park will do wonders for him. After he loses a few pounds, get him to pick up the pace and start "power walking". After that, light jogging. After that, some jogging mixed with running, until he is able to run without any problems! He should do this 5 days in a week and take the weekend off. Oh, and exercise releases endorphins. Endorphins = Happy chemicals.

- Surround himself with friends and family members. Get you, him, and other people to have a fun night together and watch comedy movies. They are a great way to make people laughing and happy.

- Basic hygiene. Force him to take better care of himself. When he knows he looks (and smell) great, he will feel great about himself.

 

 

There are many more things to do that don't require taking potentially dangerous pills to help people with depression getting out of the dark clouds. It may be difficult for him at first, but you have to try and get him to do these things so that he can feel better and lose the weight so that everyone can be happy again. Good luck! Oh, and a great herbal supplement to take for mild-to-moderate depression is Saint John's Wort pills. You can get them without a prescription and they're available where you would find your vitamins in a super market. I've taken them before and it "boosted" some of my happy chemicals up. So yeah, good luck!

[WockaWocka]

I agree that depression is likely the underlying cause, but given that he's already aware and maybe defensive about it, I'd say try to resist the urge to "fix it" for him. Often it backfires, either because it makes the person defensive or because it makes them see you as the enemy.

 

My suggestion is to approach him in a gentle but firm way about his recent changes. Tell him you've noticed his addiction to junk food, his hectic work schedule, failure to take his meds, etc and are concerned about him. Try to just stick to the facts (maybe omitting weight gain for now as more than likely he's aware of it). Ask him about what he think caused it. See how he wants to address it and how you can help. Try to save your suggestions until he's had a chance to discuss it.

 

Ultimately if things don't change you may need to take a more aggressive stance or give him an ultimatum, but for now I'd recommend the gentle-but-firm approach in person so you can assess his awareness of the issue and his desire to fix it.

 

Cheers.

 

.

[Trammel]

I have had a lot of anxiety/depression issues, and I can tell you, that in addition to meds/st. john's wart/therapy or whatever, I notice a huge difference in my mood when I am exercising regularly. It really helps.

[PhilliesFan001]

Thanks everyone for the replies, really helpful.

 

I went out today and picked him up some things; heating pads for his back and neck pain, a "days of the week" pill box which I'm going to fill up for him to make sure he takes the damn medication, lots of low fat/healthy veggie stuff that i'm going to show him how to cook.

 

also have some st john's wort so hopefully that'll help a bit if he's not into antidepressants. I've brought up therapy numerous times but he's very, very, very against it and its at the point where i'm just nagging and making him angry. he's not into it so i have to kind of respect that. just need to find him another stress relief outlet..sigh.

 

I will take all these tips into thought though, thanks so much!

[metrogirl]

Thanks everyone for the replies, really helpful.

 

I went out today and picked him up some things; heating pads for his back and neck pain, a "days of the week" pill box which I'm going to fill up for him to make sure he takes the damn medication, lots of low fat/healthy veggie stuff that i'm going to show him how to cook.

 

also have some st john's wort so hopefully that'll help a bit if he's not into antidepressants. I've brought up therapy numerous times but he's very, very, very against it and its at the point where i'm just nagging and making him angry. he's not into it so i have to kind of respect that. just need to find him another stress relief outlet..sigh.

 

I will take all these tips into thought though, thanks so much!

 

 

Exercise will help so much if you can get him to stick with it. I was much like your fiance. In a relationship for 5 years, I let myself completely go for a few years. I used to be the girl that always had her hair done, nails done, makeup always done, tanned and worked out but then a series of events sent me into a deep depression. I worked extra hours so I wouldn't have time to focus on my depressive thoughts. Working more made me even more tired, which fed my depression anyway. Suddenly I didn't have the energy to workout, so I stopped. Then I didn't have the energy to do the hair and makeup thing so that stopped. I started eating, eating just to eat even when I wasn't hungry. I put on so much weight which in turn made me even more tired. It was an endless cycle of abuse and I use that word because that is what I was doing to myself.

 

I didn't stop to think of how my boyfriend might have been affected by all of this. He still took me out but I noticed his affection was not like it used to be.

 

Feb 1st of this year, I changed my entire lifestyle. My eating habits are better, I don't eat the junk and I work out no less than 4 days a week. I still work 6 days a week and often 10-12 hours a day but I still manage to stay on track. I have lost 26lbs so far and looking forward to another 25-30.

 

Only recently did I find out that my boyfriend had lost his attraction to me. These are issues that we are still trying to figure out so for now we are on break. I wish he would have stepped up the way you have done for your fiance. I think it's wonderful that you are concerned about him and I hope you are able to get him to work towards a healthier lifestyle. It won't happen overnight, but he will feel so much better once he starts. I know I feel better than I ever have.

 

Good luck.

[sophie274]

As much as I agree with the others that it's very nice of you to be helping him, I also feel like this has turned into a big enough problem that you won't be able to nudge him out of it. If he weighs over 400 pounds and has all of the problems you described, he is in quite a pickle, and needs serious action. I think it's going to be difficult for you to solve this problem without him "agreeing to it". I really think he has to make a commitment to change his lifestyle and stick to it, and then you'll be able to see progress.

 

If I were you I would speak to him frankly about your concerns, and not try to just work changes behind the scenes in terms of cooking more healthy food and getting him to take walks, etc ... I think you need to tell him that you are very worried about his health because of the various problems he has due to his weight, and that you think he needs to take action. Obviously you should be there to support him, but I think he needs to have the will and the desire to change first.

[lavenderdove]

Be very very careful about marrying someone with obvious mental issues (depression or otherwise) who refuses to get therapy or stay in treatment for it. It is someone who is in denial or making a choice that they are OK as is, and it is up to you and the world to 'live with it', as they are williing to live with it themselves.

 

You could well end up spending your life enabling/nurturing someone who just doesn't care enough to try to live a healthy, happy, normal life. That is OK if he wants to make that choice for himself, but he will be dragging his future wife and kids along down that path, and you don't want to go there.

 

I would insist that he get treatment, and he needs some tough love where he hears that though he may find his depression acceptable and not needing treatment, you don't want to live your life with someone who is depressed and doesn't do anything about it and lets his mental and physical health slide. It's not a criticism, its a life choice and he needs to understand that one does have to address the needs of your partner in terms of trying to maintain mental health, or else he needs to find a partner who doesn't care that he's depressed and doesn't care for himself (a co-dependent enabler type). If that's not you, then don't marry him.

[WockaWocka]

Obviously you should be there to support him, but I think he needs to have the will and the desire to change first.

 

This is exactly what I meant about resisting the urge to try to "fix" him. You can buy him heating pads, pill organizers, st john's wort, etc all you want but ultimately he has to (1) recognize the is a problem; and (2) want to recover from this himself. Once that's in place you can certainly support him, but I would discourage you from trying to take the lead. Otherwise you will find yourself taking care of him for a very long time. If I were you I would try to ascertain how much he recognizes the scope of the problem and what he wants to do to fix it. If he is unwilling to do therapy then what else does he think will help? There have been impressive studies documenting the effect of regular exercise on depression, but this has to be his choice. Eventually if he doesn't improve you may need to give him an ultimatum.

 

Cheers.

[Minx2012]

Be very very careful about marrying someone with obvious mental issues (depression or otherwise) who refuses to get therapy or stay in treatment for it. It is someone who is in denial or making a choice that they are OK as is, and it is up to you and the world to 'live with it', as they are williing to live with it themselves.

 

I would have to agree with this poster. Now, I know that the thread is more about his " physical weight " and its effect on his health etc ( and vice versa )...but I think it's good to be very aware and very sharp about the decisions you make when dating or committing to someone with mental, depressive problems. This is NOT to say, " Just leave him while you still can ".....it's more like, " Caution...you need to think long and hard about what you will get yourself into once married to him ". I am sure that there are PLENTY of people who are married to partners with history of mental disorders etc, and I am sure that they are also happy....but there are also difficulties. Make sure that YOU are the right person who can accept such difficulties.

 

It's one thing to try and get him to exericise to lose weight...but it's another to get him to face his problem and do something about it.