Getting things into perspective.

[pumpkinmoon]

This is just once incident that occurred during my relationship (first year and half).

 

I'll try to be brief.

 

Basically we went to a wedding party one night. From the get go he wasn't paying me much attention, as was always the case. I used to just get ignored a lot which was always an issue.

 

I went out for a cigarette and when I returned he was at the bar. I went over to get a drink and he said to me that he has something I am not going to like then proceeded to show me a picture of him and the female comedienne with their tongues out pointing towards each other. I didn't take that much notice as it didn't look like anything.

 

But later while we were waiting for a taxi with his mates, one of his friends brought up what happened and said that him and the comedienne touched tongues and wiggled them together and made a gesture with his index fingers where he swirled one around the other.

 

I was in shock and went quiet. We went on to a club and I got a little upset. He expected me to just be fine with it and to sit next to him like nothing happened but I couldn't. I had to get away from him.

 

Overtime I got used to this and "normalised" it. Tried to justify it to myself and tried to forget about it as best I could.

 

That night we got home and I was fits of tears and he was so angry at me for being upset.

 

I have talked to some friends about this and they have told me it is cheating. So I'm looking for more opinions on it and if you would consider it a deal breaker if your bf/gf was to do this to you.

[DN]

I think it was inappropriate but I don't think it was cheating.

[RedDress]

I agree with DN.

 

If your bf himself told you about it and even showed you a picture... if his buddy casually brought it up in front of you... if your initial gut reaction was that it was nothing... it's because it's not cheating. It's stupid... but it's not cheating.

[sunday2010]

My ex did the same to me at a wedding last year in feb.It was a family wedding.I had gone to alot of trouble to look nice.That day after we travelled to the site to the wedding I was ignored as usual....this happned many times at events we would go to.I stood round while guests ate and drank and he was ignoring me barely speaking to me.For what I don't know

 

i woudl just normalise this behaviour and start accepting it when in fact thats when I should fo called him on it and left him.i should of dumped him ages ago.

 

I commented on the "ignoring stuff" because thats what would happen to me.What you are talking about was the same thing that happned to me!!!

 

the tongue stuff you're talking about is gross and I woudl of been shocked and disgusted.i woudl of said see you later.I really woudl of!!!

 

I wanted to comment as you have helped me alot on here.I'm still struggling some days

 

I just think its so important to see this kind fo behaviour is really crap and we deserve better.

[MsDexter]

I think it was inappropriate but I don't think it was cheating.

 

So what is cheating? Because I think it is cheating you don't go and put your tongue into other peoples mouth when you are in a committed relationship.

[pumpkinmoon]

I agree with DN.

 

If your bf himself told you about it and even showed you a picture... if his buddy casually brought it up in front of you... if your initial gut reaction was that it was nothing... it's because it's not cheating. It's stupid... but it's not cheating.

 

My initial gut reaction was it is nothing because in the photo the tongues weren't touching and my ex denied they did when I asked him. It was later infront of my ex that his friend brought it up with a smirk on his face and told me what had really happened. My ex said nothing.

[DN]

So what is cheating? Because I think it is cheating you don't go and put your tongue into other peoples mouth when you are in a committed relationship.

Apparently they didn't put their tongues into each others mouths but touched them together. I think it was a silly thing to do but it is not cheating.

 

If shoefairly thinks it is then that is her decision.

[DN]

Is this something that happened with an ex not a current boyfriend?

[pumpkinmoon]

I'm sorry you are still struggling. It will get easier I promise.

 

It was awful being ignored. My ex denied ignoring me and accused me of being jealous and needing all the attention. That wasn't the case at all. At this particular event, he ran on ahead of me leaving me to walk in on my own into a group of people I didn't even know and had his back to me most of the night. It was always the same and absolutely terrible. I should have left him a long time ago just for that!

[pumpkinmoon]

Is this something that happened with an ex not a current boyfriend?

 

This is an ex yes and I have been having a hard time seeing him for what he actually is. This is just one "inappropriate" incident in a string of many and I wanted to get opinions on it to help me understand better.

[MsDexter]

I think from time we start to say this is not cheating this is just inappropriate soon cheating is going to be something else too because saying tongues touching is not cheating is soon going to become oh I just touched her with my thing didn't put it in so it's not cheating.

[DN]

This is an ex yes and I have been having a hard time seeing him for what he actually is. This is just one "inappropriate" incident in a string of many and I wanted to get opinions on it to help me understand better.

Well, looking at one incident in isolation won't really help. You need to look at patterns of behaviour rather than one particular behaviour.

[RedDress]

I think from time we start to say this is not cheating this is just inappropriate soon cheating is going to be something else too because saying tongues touching is not cheating is soon going to become oh I just touched her with my thing didn't put it in so it's not cheating.

 

I respectfully disagree with this. It's not the act, it's the intent. Is it cheating if a doctor touches you? They touched your intimate parts. What if someone walks in on you while you are changing? Or if you decide to moon a bunch of people? Or streak accross campus? Then EVERYONE saw you!

 

You said she was a comedienne. I'm assuming this was part of a show or something... or general jokes with a bunch of friends around. Especially if everyone saw it and there were pictures, etc.

 

He wasn't trying to hook up with her. So it's not cheating.

 

At least... that's my take.

[pumpkinmoon]

She had finished her act and was talking to him and his mates whilst I was out of sight. It wasn't part of the show.

 

If a doctor touches you, it is for a medical reason, if someone walks in on you getting changed, it's an accident. This wasn't an accident in my opinion, it's something he willingly did for no reason or gain which could have been avoided.

[pumpkinmoon]

Well, looking at one incident in isolation won't really help. You need to look at patterns of behaviour rather than one particular behaviour.

 

So what if there were patterns of untrustworthy behaviour throughout the relationship?

[MsDexter]

I respectfully disagree with this. It's not the act, it's the intent. Is it cheating if a doctor touches you? They touched your intimate parts. What if someone walks in on you while you are changing? Or if you decide to moon a bunch of people? Or streak accross campus? Then EVERYONE saw you!

 

You said she was a comedienne. I'm assuming this was part of a show or something... or general jokes with a bunch of friends around. Especially if everyone saw it and there were pictures, etc.

 

He wasn't trying to hook up with her. So it's not cheating.

 

At least... that's my take.

 

Honestly a doctor a man with a degree that touches 50 people a day they are professions saving lives touching you isn't going to be the same. And if it is part of show I would of said no if you love your partner truly you wouldn't want anyones tongue touching you.

[sunday2010]

I'm sorry you are still struggling. It will get easier I promise.

 

It was awful being ignored. My ex denied ignoring me and accused me of being jealous and needing all the attention. That wasn't the case at all. At this particular event, he ran on ahead of me leaving me to walk in on my own into a group of people I didn't even know and had his back to me most of the night. It was always the same and absolutely terrible. I should have left him a long time ago just for that!

 

oh my god this would happen to me as well... what the hell????

 

my ex woudl say you just want all the attention you have a problem!!!!.put it back onto me!!! UNBELIEVABLE ist teh exact same behaviour.It must be something men just do.It has to be an ingrained behvioural pattern.

 

thats the thing if I ever get into another relationship, what do I do if I start seeing this * * * * all over again.walk at the first sign?? you like to give people the benefit of the doubt but you know I'd have to seriously look at walking at the first sign of this rubbish.

 

thanks for your support!!!

[DN]

So what if there were patterns of untrustworthy behaviour throughout the relationship?

If they would be so viewed by most people then he was probably untrustworthy. But if this one incident was the worst then perhaps he wasn't.

[pumpkinmoon]

oh my god this would happen to me as well... what the hell????

 

my ex woudl say you just want all the attention you have a problem!!!!.put it back onto me!!! UNBELIEVABLE ist teh exact same behaviour.It must be something men just do.It has to be an ingrained behvioural pattern.

 

thats the thing if I ever get into another relationship, what do I do if I start seeing this * * * * all over again.walk at the first sign?? you like to give people the benefit of the doubt but you know I'd have to seriously look at walking at the first sign of this rubbish.

 

thanks for your support!!!

 

It's not a normal thing men do. My ex ex never did it. When we were out he used to talk to me as well as other people, if not more so.

 

My ex has even turned away from me whilst I was mid-sentence to talk to someone else who had just approached him.

 

I have also wondered what I will do if I come accross someone like him again and I've come to the conclusion they get once chance to rectify it, or I'm gone. Not wasting another 4 years on another loser.

[pumpkinmoon]

If they would be so viewed by most people then he was probably untrustworthy. But if this one incident was the worst then perhaps he wasn't.

 

 

 

This is just some of the behaviour that I would class as dodgy. I have discovered more to add to the list since.

[Hell_On_Heels]

It must be something men just do.It has to be an ingrained behvioural pattern.(

 

No, it's something some men do. I guarantee there are women who do it, too. It's not a gender issue here. It's really about people who can't or won't take responsibility for their own actions and blame other people instead. According to them, if you express that you're upset with something they did, they immediately declare they are innocent and you are the problem.

 

The ex did the same to me. It's not that his taking me for granted was hurtful to me - it's that I lack a sense of humor, am too sensitive, and eventually bi-polar. He's got his story and I've got mine...

 

I only commented on this because there has been some repetition that "all men" do this or that. Sunday, your ex had some serious mental issues. I'm sorry to say that, but he treated you horribly. Please don't ever think that all men are like that. If you do, you will never walk away when someone treats you badly...and to answer your last question - yes! Run away as fast as you can when you see a red flag going up.

 

ShoeFairy, I don't think it was cheating either, but it was bad behavior even so. I'm pretty sure if you had done something like that, he'd have freaked out.

[DN]

 

This is just some of the behaviour that I would class as dodgy. I have discovered more to add to the list since.

It would appear you are well rid of him.

[MsDexter]

OK I really want to know what cheating is

[sunday2010]

It's not a normal thing men do. My ex ex never did it. When we were out he used to talk to me as well as other people, if not more so.

 

My ex has even turned away from me whilst I was mid-sentence to talk to someone else who had just approached him.

 

I have also wondered what I will do if I come accross someone like him again and I've come to the conclusion they get once chance to rectify it, or I'm gone. Not wasting another 4 years on another loser.

 

yeah thast what I'm going to do.4 yrs for me too GONE i can'tget it back...

 

Your ex sounds awful...but don't they all

[sunday2010]

I''m sorry if I genralised it.I didn';t mean to.Having a bad bad bad day today

 

yes my ex was a nasty nasty man... so are you saying don't even give them one chance to rectify??? if its the red flag straight up don't give them a chance.

 

I just wanted to say to shoefairy as well.this is another example below:

 

try this for the start to this year.Me and my ex were with his horrible family at a nice apartment overlooking the river of the city I live in.the fireworks for new years are going off its celebrations allround... his sisters have partners and they all get kissed as the clock strikes 12.here I am on my own on the balcony and hes fooling around with a party horn in the loungeroom and i was ignored.I got really upset and went nuts at him and he put it back on me saying I should of come up to him and kissed him.he seriously was in another world, ist like i didn't exist.I think i knew then he had plans to break up.My mum thinks he had plans for sure but couldn't bring himself to do it or was cheating at the time. looking back all the signs were there.