Broke up because I can't forgive him..but I feel so guilty

[OccultFigurine]

Hi there, has anybody got any advice? I feel absolutely terrible.

 

Me and my ex split several months ago...for very good reasons you can see in my previous posts.

 

I'm sorry to day that a month ago we started talking again and were considering getting back together. During this time he tried really hard-in some ways. He did all the things that I could have wanted him to do, was much more kind, thoughtful,and much more affectionate. However he refused to deal with the reasons we split, and wouldn't even discuss them with me.

 

I brought it up several times and feel that he fobbed me off somewhat. I went away for a couple of weeks and during this time I felt that I couldn't forgive him and that the real,deep problems were never going to be dealt with.

 

I told him last night that it wasn't working for me, and I feel SO guilty. He was very upset, he basically said that he can't take me messing him around any more and that he was done. Which I totally understand. I would never intentionally mess him about, I just WANTED it to work, rather than actually believing it would,or seeing any evidence from him that the major problems were being dealt with.

 

I feel so sad that I hurt him, and that if I had just kept away and stayed strong when he wanted to get back together I could have saved him from being hurt this time around. He was trying, in his own way, but the terrible lack of communication between us, and the unwillingness on his part to deal with anything that made him uncomfortable, meant that this situation was never going to change

 

I know that breaking up was the best thing to do, long term, for both of us.But knowing that I hurt someone when if I had just been a bit stronger a month ago is really hard to take

[DN]

I read your posts and while I understand why you were upset I do think that many people would have been able to get past this given his efforts to assure you that he did in fact love you and want to be with you. I hope that you have in fact made the right decision and don't come to regret it.

 

Also, you have a right to know what is best for you but not to know what is best for him - that is for him to decide.

[OccultFigurine]

Thanks for your reply DN. I'm just unsure of how much assurance I can take without any action to back it up?

[DN]

What actions were you looking for? Discussions don't always solve issues and loving someone isn't always something you can demonstrate in the short term - but the fact that he has stuck around to try surely means something.

[OccultFigurine]

He knew that not having met his friends was an issue for me. He had promised to take me to his best friends house on a night that my children were away ( the first child-free night I have had in 5 years I might add!) That night he went without me, and when I asked him why he told me he didn't realise I wanted to meet him? Even though this was one of the reasons we split? It didn't make sense and so it seems to me he's still avoiding the issue.

[DN]

One of the problems that you had before involved some talk about you with his friends - do you think he is embarrassed about that episode and that is why he is avoiding this issue?

[lavenderdove]

OK, you have been together on and off for FIVE years and haven't met his friends yet? After him saying he was embarassed to be seen with you?

 

I think this is a no brainer. You need to get rid of this guy and get with someone who loves you and is proud to be with you in all circumstances. You are right that if you really love someone, and have any kind of character at all, you won't care what other people think whether you are bald, or missing an arm, or 'unattractive' by current standards.

 

Of course everyone is entitled to find attractive what they find attractive, but for whatever reason his pride and image of himself as needing a certain looking woman to please his friends is something that you shouldn't have to tolerate or feel bad about. He's basically being shallow and putting his own self image and vanity above your relationship.

 

Also, is there any chance he is lying to you? You mention you haven't had a child-free night to go out in 5 years and have never met his friends... does he only see you at your house, and never out in public? Do you go to his house and know for sure he is single, and not pretending to be single while really being married or having a girlfriend (hence can't introduce you to his friends because he has a wife/girlfriend)?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with LavenderDove. I read your other threads...this guy is in his forties and acting like he is still in high school seeking approval from a bunch of teenagers. Don't worry about him feeling bad because he knows the real issue and was trying to get away with not dealing with it. Kind of like someone who wants to sell you a beautiful looking house with a lot of serious defects..so they keep pointing out the superficial cosmetic features of the house to steer you away from the fact that the foundation, the wiring and the plumbing are in a bad state.

[annie24]

he's in his 40s, and he has a gf in her 20s and he isn't going around showing you off to everyone??? personally, i find it a red flag if i haven't met a man's friends within a few months. 5 years? forget about it. something is very wrong with this picture. don't waste anymore time on him.

[OccultFigurine]

Hi guys, thankyou all for your replies, it's really appreciated.

 

To answer a couple of points:

 

I'm as sure as I can be that he's not been seeing anyone else, I used to pop into his house unannounced all the time, he lived over the road from me. I did used to get the odd night out with him, with babysitters, but he never once let me meet certain friends-specifically old friends, a lot of his friends from when we got together I know very well.

 

I guess that I feel that he was living two lives-socially rather than romantically, and thats something that has damaged the trust over the years-and yet he wanted to be involved in all aspects of mine.

 

I like your analogy crazyaboutdogs- it's true that any time we have tried to sort these issues out he's gone for the more superficial aspects of our issues.

 

When we got back together, we had a talk about being more affectionate-and that went for me too, after trying and trying I have to admit that I had started to give up on that side of it too, and try and accept that he just wasn't that kind of person.

 

And so this time I did try, and once or twice I feel I got somewhere-but then the last time we slept together the day I went away(sorry if this is TMI) it was horrible-he hardly looked at me, didn't kiss me.I stopped and burst into tears. He apologised and said he was tired-too tired to kiss or even look at me? I don't buy that, especially after we agreed we were both going to make the effort.Then while I was away he text me and was pretty nice, I couldn't get rid of that awful feeling, and the feeling that I could be doing this for years and years to come.

 

He said when I ended it that I always do this, I go away to stay with my family and come back questioning us-and this is true to an extent-it's hard to go from being surrounded by people who love you and accept you for who you are to come back to someone who makes you feel like you're not good enough.

 

Regardless of all the reasons we split, I still feel bad. I don't think I'm going to have any long term regrets, but regardless of whether he was up to being the boyfriend I wanted or not, I hurt him, and it's never a nice feeling to know you've hurt someone.

 

Thanks everyone xx

[lavenderdove]

Of course you feel bad... you were attached to him and used to him. That doesn't mean he is good for you or you should stay with him.

 

You will feel sad for awhile, but honestly, in the end you will get your happiness back because you won't feel neglected or treated like you're a second class citizen because you don't meet some arbitrary 'standard' he sets for women.

 

And he's COUNTING on the fact that you don't have enough self esteem to give him the boot permanently, and using that against you to keep treating you badly and you tolerate it.

 

I think if you can't break away on your own, please call and get a few sessions with a counselor. I think that will straigten you out and help you see that he has problems if he is treating you this way.

 

And you may have hurt him by denying him the privilege of treating you badly, but honestly, he doesn't deserve to have you if he is treating you badly, and needs to take responsbility for when he is wrong or treats someone else badly. So don't feel bad about 'hurting' him if he continues to treat you badly and doesn't change. He really needs to man up and correct his behavior and treat you right, and if you 'hurt' him by stopping him from hurting you, then you are doing absolutely nothign wrong, in fact the right thing because nothing says you have to feel bad so that he can feel good! If he really cared about you, he would treat you right... very simple principle that needs to be followed.

[Iakasot]

I have a different take on this. I don't think he's embarrassed to show you in front of his friends. He's embarrassed that you won't see him the same way if you see how he acts when he hangs out with friends. I mean look at how easily you dump and question relationships, don't you think that you might project that "pickiness" to him, and he'd be able to tell that there's a high likelihood you wouldn't be accepting of his friend circle and the behavior that goes on in it and stop liking him?

[OccultFigurine]

 

He really needs to man up and correct his behavior and treat you right, and if you 'hurt' him by stopping him from hurting you, then you are doing absolutely nothign wrong, in fact the right thing because nothing says you have to feel bad so that he can feel good! If he really cared about you, he would treat you right... very simple principle that needs to be followed.

 

Thanks Lavenderlove, this is what I have been thinking throughout today. He is after all an adult, and perfectly capable of deciding how to treat other people.

[OccultFigurine]

I have a different take on this. I don't think he's embarrassed to show you in front of his friends. He's embarrassed that you won't see him the same way if you see how he acts when he hangs out with friends. I mean look at how easily you dump and question relationships, don't you think that you might project that "pickiness" to him, and he'd be able to tell that there's a high likelihood you wouldn't be accepting of his friend circle and the behavior that goes on in it and stop liking him?

 

Thanks for your input Iakasot, always good to have another take on these things.

 

I don't think that its about how he acts around his friends thats putting him off-I've known this man 5 years, I've seen him at his best and his not-so-best.He knows I would accept his friends...he's told me so much about them that even the ones I haven't met I felt like I knew them already

 

Also, I don't 'dump and question relationships' - things have happened in THIS relationship that have made me question it-I don't think that makes me picky!

[Iakasot]

Thanks for your input Iakasot, always good to have another take on these things.

 

I don't think that its about how he acts around his friends thats putting him off-I've known this man 5 years, I've seen him at his best and his not-so-best.He knows I would accept his friends...he's told me so much about them that even the ones I haven't met I felt like I knew them already

 

Also, I don't 'dump and question relationships' - things have happened in THIS relationship that have made me question it-I don't think that makes me picky!

 

How do you know he "knows" you would accept his friends? If you're assuming he'll make the same conclusions from your actions that you would, that's an erroneous conclusion. If you know by asking, then he could say he knows out of the pressure of answering a certain way to avoid making you mad and/or confrontational/argumentative. ("How COULD you say that knowing I did this and that?!?")

 

Okay, how many other relationships have you been in? How many guys were interested in you? Please don't be so quick to "not count" guys. In my experience, women try to come off as being less picky than they really are to make you me feel like I'm not under a huge amount of pressure in a relationship, when that's simply not true. Like if a girl rejected/dumped a lot of guys before me, I feel under a lot of pressure.

 

5 years is a long time, I would have decided way before that point if I didn't want someone anymore.

[OccultFigurine]

So if I can't know the reason by asking him outright, and I can't know the reason through guessing, and I can't know the reason by listening to his actual answer, how do you suggest we dealt with this issue?

 

Not that I think this has any bearing on my situation, but I have been in four significant relationships-one which I ended, one which ended by mutual agreement, one ex dumped me and another died......am I supposed to believe that that makes me appear picky?

[Iakasot]

So if I can't know the reason by asking him outright, and I can't know the reason through guessing, and I can't know the reason by listening to his actual answer, how do you suggest we dealt with this issue?

 

Not that I think this has any bearing on my situation, but I have been in four significant relationships-one which I ended, one which ended by mutual agreement, one ex dumped me and another died......am I supposed to believe that that makes me appear picky?

 

Maybe not, but weren't there guys who were interested in you that you didn't date?

 

As for knowing the reason, if you asked him directly, that would be a better indicator than guessing. Did you? You can't ever know, but asking someone AND proper context can make you more certain.

[OccultFigurine]

Maybe not, but weren't there guys who were interested in you that you didn't date?

 

As for knowing the reason, if you asked him directly, that would be a better indicator than guessing. Did you? You can't ever know, but asking someone AND proper context can make you more certain.

 

What are you asking me here? That by rejecting any guy who asked me out when I was in a relationship I was making my BF insecure? Should I have said yes? I'm not sure of your reasoning here.

 

And of course I asked him directly..I asked and asked for FIVE YEARS and got nowhere. I asked to be added on FAcebook, and was told he'd 'lost' his password, despite him adding friend after friend afterwards. I asked him to introduce me to certain friends, and yet every time we made concrete plans to visit them, he would disappear for days.. Honestly, I didn't take this decision lightly

[Iakasot]

What are you asking me here? That by rejecting any guy who asked me out when I was in a relationship I was making my BF insecure? Should I have said yes? I'm not sure of your reasoning here.

Not quite. In my experience if a girl rejected guys who were good guys, she'll either lose interest and wait for me to dump her, or dump me. Obviously when you're taken, it is a different story.

 

And of course I asked him directly..I asked and asked for FIVE YEARS and got nowhere. I asked to be added on FAcebook, and was told he'd 'lost' his password, despite him adding friend after friend afterwards. I asked him to introduce me to certain friends, and yet every time we made concrete plans to visit them, he would disappear for days.. Honestly, I didn't take this decision lightly

Well, if he lied about that because he wanted to avoid confrontation, there's a good chance he lied about whether he'd feel secure knowing you wouldn't dump him if you knew how he is when he hangs with friends. I don't know the whole story, but he probably wasn't such a great guy if he lied and didn't add you on fakebook.

[lavenderdove]

^^

He's not a 'good guy' who is misunderstood if he won't fully allow her into his life, including introducing her to friends, acknowledging her as his girlfriend on FB etc. They've been together for FIVE YEARS and he's still publicly acting like he hardly knows her, and is not treating her like a partner.

 

There is NO EXCUSE after 5 years to not include your girlfriend fully in your life unless he is (a) dating other women and lying about it and trying to keep them all from finding out about each other or (b) wants to keep his options open and not get serious or © wants to 'hide' the girlfriend from the friends for whatever reason, whether that is being 'ashamed' of her looks or his buddies are druggies and he's hiding that part of himself from her or whatever.

 

You are making the absolute right decision to dump him. It is ridiculous that after 5 years he won't let you on FB or go out with you and his friends together. There is something very wrong there, and frankly at this point i wouldn't even care what it is. He either steps up and treats you like his official girlfriend, or you go find someone who does want to fully include you in ALL parts of his life and who is proud to be with you and tell the world that.

[OccultFigurine]

^^

someone who does want to fully include you in ALL parts of his life and who is proud to be with you and tell the world that.

 

 

Yeah this is pretty much what I was looking for-and I don't think that's unreasonable!

 

This is how I've treated him- every person in my life knows who he is, or has met him.

 

I wish I felt angry about him for all of this, if I did perhaps it would make things easier. I just feel a sort of resignation-that we're not going to have the relationship that I want us to have and I have to get out before this goes on for many more years. It all boils down to the fact that he was quite happy with the way things were going and I wasn't.

[lavenderdove]

But actually your apathy towards him now is a good sign... it shows you are accepting the situation for what it is... a guy who won't commit to you and fully include you in his life is basically a waste of your time if you want a real partner where you share your lives together, fully and openly.

 

If he's still not doing that after 5 years, then it will never happen. You can only live on promises/hopes for so long.

[OccultFigurine]

I read your posts and while I understand why you were upset I do think that many people would have been able to get past this given his efforts to assure you that he did in fact love you and want to be with you. I hope that you have in fact made the right decision and don't come to regret it.

 

Also, you have a right to know what is best for you but not to know what is best for him - that is for him to decide.

 

Hi there me again. I'm just curious to know how you think we would have been able to get over this DN?

 

My ex contacted me tonight and told me that he's missing me (I miss him too obviously) and that he knew I was confused about what I want but to get in touch when I've figured things out.

 

I would love things to have worked, I really would. But I just don't know if things have gone too far, or even whether either of us possess the communication skills to work something out.

 

There were obviously things I wasn't happy about, but I don't know if its reasonable to expect him to change those things, or just accept that he doesn't want them to change.

 

We've now got to the point where we're split up several times, and its always the same- we'll argue about some issue (or not even argue, more of a heated discussion) he'll storm out, then later tell me things will be different, things aren't different, I'll bring it up again so on and so on. Until we split.

 

I'd like it if we could work it out, but I no longer know what I should be compromising on

 

*confused*

[DN]

If two people love each other and are willing to compromise almost any relationship is fixable.

[OccultFigurine]

If two people love each other and are willing to compromise almost any relationship is fixable.

 

I don't doubt that he loves me-and of course I love him..just not sure about the 'willing to compromise' part!

 

Hmm I guess I have some thinking to do about what I really want