My GF hit me

[sahara56]

I have been in a relationship for about 8 months with a girl who I suspect has at least anger issues, but possibly BPD

 

She doesn't think she has any problems but has a history of dramatic relationships and her family is well aware of her anger problem (she says she EXPRESSES her anger incorrectly, but does not have a problem)

 

We have been seeing a counsellor for a few months after one incident and only last week he told her he thinks she has anger AND control issues.

 

Yesterday I was out and she logged into my Facebook account and checked my messages (unknown to me at the time). When I came home she was crying and I asked what was wrong and she said "Dont you know?". We have been fighting so often lately I said I didn't know specifically.

 

Anyway, she didn't elaborate so I did something else after asking a few times. Soon after she went into a rage and I tried to get space (she wouldnt let me) so I walked out of my apartment. She followed me and blocked my path. I then tried to go down some stairs as I could not get in the elevator and she restrained me and pushed me against the wall, against the stair railing, pushed me down some stairs, and against another wall before starting to hit me repeatedly. I am a big guy so it didn't hurt, but was scary

 

I then sat down on the ground as I couldnt go up or down the stairs and asked her to stop, I then pulled out my phone to record what was going on and she continued screaming at me before hitting me again and trying to break my phone

 

This went on for a while and I eventually managed to lock myself in my bathroom. I later found she went through my Facebook and found messages which she thought were something and WEREN'T. I have not cheated on her or gone after a single girl while I have been with her. She said she would never lie to me so when I asked why she had gone through my messages she denied it until I sent her a screen grab of my history page

 

She then admitted it and I deleted her off my Facebook and our relationship status. I have been feeling horrible ever since as I really do love her very much. She obviously has some issues but I dont know what I can do.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She is out of control and after a scene like that you need to get far away from her. You can't fix her...she needs to want to fix herself. If she contacts you simply tell her she crossed over many lines with the violence, the threats, the accusations and the violation of your privacy for no good reason. Tell her that as much as you love her, you can't be with someone who is this violent and out of control.

[sidehop]

You may love and care about her but this isn't a relationship you should be in. If she's this out of control who knows what she could do next? And I agree, I highly doubt she will change any time soon.

[emma j]

Hi there,

 

i am so sorry that you are going through this situation with someone you love but i'm even more sorry to say that this behaviour and her attidude will not change and i have 3 years of this to back me up.

 

I am single 2 months now from a relationship very similar to yours. my ex had bi-polar however i suspected he could also have borderline personality disorder.

 

His past relationships where also dramatic and unstable, mine where not. We where on and off for 3 years, the most recent lasting 8 months. During this last attempt at a relationship it became very abusive. He never hit me, but one time he came close, came right up to my face but he wouldn't thing twice about hitting or punching something around me. He was controlling, manipulative and as you said would go into terrible rages, usually over nothing but ALWAYS my fault.

 

I got accused weekly of cheating, something that i could never ever do, i loved him dearly, would have married him tomorrow but he dumped me weekly.

 

My rose tinted glasses are off now and i can see what the relationship was really like, unhealty, toxic, contolling and abusive. None of these words belong in a happy relationship. I wasn't allowed to see any male friends, not allowed to do much really.

 

What i'm trying to say is that things won't change, not even with the counselling and you don't deserve any of this. my adivce is to run, run and don't look back. i wish i'd done this the first time we broke up. maybe then i wouldn't be in the horroible place i am now. Only good thing i can take from it is the lessons, things that i know i won't ever allow in a relationship ever again.

 

So plesase please think long and hard. do you deserve this. imagine it was the other way around, that you hit her. more than likely you'll be in a police cell. good luck and pm me if you want...

[MikNomis]

Spend some time apart with her. She knows already that you're avoiding her because of her major screwup. Continue for a few weeks, and get back to her. Meet with her to discuss what happened and what could have been done differently.

[agent1607307371]

but I dont know what I can do.

 

Leave, now.

 

There is no excuse for physical violence in a relationship ever. That you are the man and bigger than her is not any part of the issue. The lost her temper and restrained and beat you. That is beyond unacceptable.

 

It doesn't matter that you love her, you have to take care of yourself first.

[1MoreChance]

I agree with everyone who says to end it and get away from her.

 

I promise you this will only get worse, not better, if you stay.

 

You had only been together 8 months... this is not how beginnings (or any part) of a relationship should be... the fact that you are already in councelling raises a red flag also. ironically, while it is always good to seek help, I just think that this early in the relationship it can only mean the relationship is doomed.

 

If you love her and want to help her, leave. She needs to be single and get help, NOT to be acting out in a relationship.

[DN]

It really doesn't matter whether she has anger issues, control issues, BPD or athletes foot. What does matter is that she is violent and that you should not tolerate, now or ever.

 

She will become violent again. And when she does, you could be seriously injured despite the fact that you are a big guy - even big guys can be harmed with a weapon. You could also end up arrested as women like this have a habit of calling the police and claiming they are the victims of domestic abuse.

 

If you have that evidence on your phone, use it to get a restraining order should she attempt to contact you again.

[sahara56]

Thanks all

 

We have been talking back and forth on SMS and she basically expects me to reach out to HER to see if this is worth looking at again. She understands that help is required but hasn't yet clicked that it is a SERIOUS issue and that it is her responsibility to fix it

 

Her messages and tone are incredibly depressing, hurtful, confusing and just plain devestating. I wanted to marry her (the rest of her is literally everything I want and have never found), but I just prayed she would finally wake up and see that the problem is hers

 

I will pay for ANYTHING that she wants to do, but honestly believe she needs medication and some therapy (rather than couples counselling which isn't deep enough). My mother has her own mental issues so I guess I am more open to working things out as my Dad has put up with it for 40 years, but I know that I don't want this drama in my life

 

I do love her deeply, but right now she is coming accross like an enemy - I guess because she doesnt feel in control (but is trying to assert it again).

 

[DN]

This is a toxic situation that is not your fault nor is it wise for you to remain in this relationship.

 

The fact that your Dad has put up with it does not mean you have to put up with being abused emotionally and physically - that is a mindset you need to shed right now.

 

No one should have to put up with behaviour like hers - don't impose that on yourself.

[DN]

link removed

[sahara56]

I should clarify that my Dad was not ever physically abused, my mother has a very different mental issue to this. I'm just saying, I have seen how someone can stay with someone and bring up kids who are 'normal' as they care about their partner

 

I hoped that we could work it out if she looked deeply enough at herself and wanted to declare war on this thing. I think she is scared to really open up as I imagine this could be the hardest thing she'll ever have to do in her life

 

I can respect the challenge, but I would hope that someone would see me as 'valuable' enough to go 'Hang on - maybe I should listen to what he's saying'

 

First step I guess is admitting you have a problem right? We're at Step 0

[lavenderdove]

What if next time she has a jealous rage like this that you're in the kitchen and she grabs a knife? Honestly, that is how a lot of domestic abuse deaths happen. Policemen get injured far more frequently in domestic disputes than in other types of calls, because people fueled by large degrees of emotion are far more dangerous than calculating criminals.

 

I would take this very seriously. Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she can't seriously injure you in a domestic dispute like this. You are just lucky she had no weapon at hand other then her hands and feet, and you could have been seriously and permanently injured being thrown down a flight of stairs.

 

To be honest, i think you also need therapy if you're willing to take back someone who has the depths of problems she has, and your own mother was mentally ill. You are repeating co-dependent behavior patterns, and that is just not healthy for you. Love isn't about trying to 'fix' someone who is 'broken', and when you fall into that trap, it is usually a sign that your own co-dependency behavior is coming forward and it is not a healthy relationship. You need to see a therapist to break your own pattern (trying to 'fix' mentally ill people).

 

Frankly she IS the enemy of your own potential for happiness if you are trapped in an abusive relationship that taps into old wounds produced by a mentally ill mother. You don't want to get trapped into repeating your father's life, and need therapy to understand your impulses to be with someone this disturbed and to call that 'love'. Love is about a geniune caring, working towards common goals, not all this drama and abuse.

 

Spend your money getting therapy for yourself, not trying to 'fix' her. She will only 'fix' herself if SHE wants to, otherwise you are just throwing your money away while she uses the therapy as a manipulative ploy to keep you around.

[avman]

Hey afterdinnermint,

 

I have to tell you that these things don't fix themselves overnight. And it is likely to get much worse before it gets better.

 

I can respect the challenge, but I would hope that someone would see me as 'valuable' enough to go 'Hang on - maybe I should listen to what he's saying'

 

But this isn't YOUR challenge. This is HER challenge. She needs to be the one to take active steps to fix herself and make the necessary changes in her life. This has nothing to do with you being valuable. This has to do with her being controlling and violent. Lets not lose perspective here.

 

It's fine to admit you love her even with her faults. But to be stuck in this situation puts you at both physical risk and mental risk. It is extremely unhealthy for you and you will suffer for it.

 

I agree with others that you should seek therapy for yourself to get to the source of why you feel you are so undeserving of something better. And your girlfriend needs to get into treatment for her issues as well. While this is going on, you two should not date. You both need to work on yourselves. After some treatment I am willing to bet you will feel differently about things. And even if you don't, you can try to re-establish a relationship if you have both made significant progress.

[sahara56]

THanks, I just wrote a long message back but for some reason I lost it

 

The basic message was that I was keen to try and work on this as I have only found true love twice in 32 years and this was one of them. I know that "true love" must sound utterly absurd with this stuff going on, but I do love her.

 

I haven't had relationships like this before at all, the odd little bit of drama which I thought was bad, but NOTHING like this - it's like I was playing high school and now went to the major leagues! Suddenly some old GF's seem like great people again!

 

I was drawn to her as she was so magnetic and literally everything I have written down that I want in a wife after my only other possible marriage material relationship ended 5 years ago. I realise that BPD type people can radiate a certain charm, so I guess I fell hard.

 

I pray that somehow this can be worked out, but will go to the counsellor on my own regardless. I can also imagine her with a new guy in 3 months time and being "happy" while I pick through the pieces too. That thought is the most depressing.

[sahara56]

I thought that when I deleted her off Facebook and so forth that she would "wake up". We've had fights before, but I've never taken such drastic (aka - appropriate) action.

 

I guess I'll just go NC for the next while and see if anything changes.

 

As far as it being over, rationally I understand (as I took those steps), emotionally I'm in denial. It makes no sense to me how someone can not realise that they are the problem despite the relationship going off the rails in such dramatic fashion.

[avman]

It makes no sense to me how someone can not realise that they are the problem despite the relationship going off the rails in such dramatic fashion

 

It happens all the time. People that realize they have a problem usually go get help and work on it. But most people don't really think it's possible that they have a problem. So nothing ever improves and they go around claiming the world is the problem and they are the only rational person.

[lavenderdove]

So what if she's everything you think you ever wanted if she plants a carving knife between your shoulderblades in a couple years. I don't say that to be callous, but for a bit of reality there...

 

You also don't know that she's BPD, that just your assessment of her behavior. For all you know, she could be a sociopath (5% of the population is), and they are quite charming, exciting, manipulative, magnetic, clever and also extremely dangerous to anyone they hook up with because their only true emotions are rage when their desires are frustrated and an overwhelming desire to get their own needs satisfied by using/abusing other people. And you definitely CAN'T ever fix a sociopath becuase they are wired differently than other people with no sense of empathy or true bonding.

 

So be very careful here before you cast her in the role of your 'one true love' when you might be in the grips of a manipulative sociopath, not someone with BPD. I suggest you talk to a therapist to get a second opinion on whether this is 'true love' or you in the grips of a sociopath or someone with mental illness, and the strong pull you feel is co-dependency or being conned, not true love. Perhaps it is love, but love alone doesn't make a relationship work, especially of the other person is deeply troubled or sociopathic. You've got a love of drama now (which in itself can be addicting, or the quest to 'resolve' the drama and 'win' that battle can also be addicting and exciting), but don't confuse that with love, and it sounds honestly like you need to be very careful and protect yourself in this situation by separating from her for a while and going to a therapist to talk about whether this situation is fixable or not on both your parts.

[sahara56]

She said she knows it's a problem and wants to fix it with further counselling, me learning how not to trigger her (to set off rages), and she is thinking about hypnotherapy

 

I don't know that it's BPD, but I'm pretty sure she's not a sociopath. I think even if BPD she is pretty high functioning compared to some things I've read.

 

Whatever the case, I know it's not right and potentially dangerous. A friend suggested I see a lawyer to make a note that I have concerns and put it on file in case anything ever gets turned against me. I find that extremely sad, but probably a necessary step for my own safety.

 

As I said, I pray that somehow she sees the light.

 

Thanks for slapping me around with a dose of reality.

[lavenderdove]

She says you need to learn how not to 'trigger' her? But this time, you didn't even know what was wrong, and she went off on you and attacked you! You didn't 'trigger' that, she just is totally out of control, and it is not your responsibility to walk thru life on eggshells because she can't/won't control her temper.

 

Again, she is making her problems your problems, which is a classic hallmark of a co-dependent relationship. I think it is great you are going to counseling, but you need to avoid her entirely or only see her in controlled situations with other people present until you have a very strong indication that she is in treatment and taking responsbility for her problems rather than telling other people they need to change to not 'trigger' her. That is again avoiding responsbility for her own behavior, since the world is full or irritating/angering things, and she needs to learn to respond appropriately rather than going off like a loose cannon everytime she sees something that upsets her. The world will NEVER be trigger free, and the sooner she accepts responsibility for her own behavior, the better.

 

And you being too kind and understanding of a serious problem with her being violent is not the answer, in fact, it enables the behavior. Draw a very firm zero tolerance attitude towards her bad/erratic behavior or it will just encourage it. She was totally and completely wrong, end of story, and you don't have to change anything about yourself in order for her to stop this behavior. It's all on her, not you!

[DN]

me learning how not to trigger her (to set off rages),

This is nonsense. You can't walk on eggshells to avoid abuse - this is her problem not yours.

 

Additionaly, she is setting up a pre-made excuse to abuse you "well, you triggered my rage and made me scream at you/hit you/stab you. If you behave yourself in the future I might forgive you but remember that it's your fault not mine"

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Over time if you wear a red shirt instead of a brown shirt that will trigger a rage in her. These kind of people want absolute control and it will always be something that will trigger a rage.

[sahara56]

Thanks again, really appreciate your comments.

 

We have been messaging today and she goes between seemingly understanding it and apologising (but it never feels like a real apology, like if I hit someone - not that I have), and sounding arrogant, pompous and mean. These exchanges are helpful for me to see that this is something very very deep that she is struggling with.

 

When she has been more forthright and understanding in her tone and messages, I try to play ball, when she is seemingly looking to control the situation or BLAME (ie; about the triggers) then I shut down and tell her that it's not acceptable.

 

She now says it's her decision to decide what she wants (which is true I guess), so we'll see what happens, but my guess is that she'll lie in wait for me to send her something and when I don't she'll chase me until I come down hard about the reality of the situation. This may go on for a week or two and either she'll do something, or more likely, get bored and get an ego-trip from someone else and let them chase her.

 

She went out drinking last night with a few friends and got hit on by a few guys but says she didn't give them her number, but that she was crying in the club in front of people and I was like - if I hit the person I love I wouldn't be in a club and if I was, I also would be pretty upset!

 

I say that as an illustration (I guess to myself) that I am being made to feel bad for her feeling a certain way no matter what she did. The constant manipulation/twisting reality is quite upsetting.

[DN]

You are allowing her to manipulate your feelings. Don't do that. Don't even respond to her contacts (although I would have been tempted to say that it is better to be hit on than hit)

 

You really do need to see this woman for what she is and stop trying to see a good side to her or some psychological reason for her behaviour that will justify staying with her. Look to your own best interests and that means not being with her even though you love her.

 

In short - tell her she's dumped.

[sahara56]

I did - I told her yesterday as she was raging that it was over. I have said that before when I was mad at her excessive anger and she said "I want it over too", but wouldn't leave me alone for hours screaming and yelling (classic "I hate you, don't leave me")

 

The difference is this time I cancelled our relationship status on Facebook and then when she saw that and reacted, I deleted her entirely. She then came to my house and apologised, but pretty soon it went into ANOTHER fight and I asked her to leave alone.

 

Today she was talking about how "we broke up", although it was me that did it. She says SHE is not sure about getting back together after this.