how do you show someone that you have changed?

[hellohello1]

maybe the answer to this question may be obvious, but i would appreciate any feedback..

 

alright so my boyfriend broke up with me, and while of course not all of the faults that led to this breakup were due to me, but many more and after 7 weeks i can clearly see them all in a new light that i never realized before. keep in mind while my ex broke up wtih me he said that it is far from impossible that we will ever get back together, and said that again not even a week ago, we arent tlaking much, only when he contacts me, but he has brought up several times our "possible" future..

 

anyway there were several issues, none of them that cant be fixed though. the ones that i contributed to i believe are that towards the end, i was clingy, controlling, jealous, put pressure on him to make me happy, needy, i think i suffocated him, we spent all of our time together, there was no mystery, i didnt want him going on trips with his buddies to vegas and whatnot..we had such a good relationship though and there is such strong chemistry between us, he has said several times about the possibility of getting back together. right now he wants to be alone and not see other people as he wants to figure out whether he wants to work on our relationship or move on, as he doesnt want to do something with someone and then regret it. sometimes i would put him down and i think he felt he wasnt good enough, i pressured him to make me happy i think. i feel absolutely terrible about this and realize now how bad it was.

 

i am in the midst of trying to move on and am not waiting for him. i have my own life and am having fun with friends. i do believe this relationship is salvageable and we have such a great time together and much in common and want the same things in life. last week he brought up several date ideas he has for us if we do one day get back together, and even said one of the ideas was so nice that if he were ever to propose its how he would do it..

 

so how do i show him that i am not this person anymore? i have kept busy and developed my "own" life, one that i had before we started dating 2.5 years ago..he is aware that i have been out having fun with friends, but how do i show him that if he does decide to get together with me i will not be that jealous person who wants him to spend nearly all of his time with me? i definitely dont want that anymore as i can see how toxic it was. i have told him that i do not want that and it wont be like that, but of course those are just words. what can i do to show him?

[Exchange]

Personally I think it takes longer than 7 weeks to completley change one's behavior, however I would suggest to casually start hanging out and build up from there. Overtime he will see the changes you have made to better yourself, and ultimatley putting yourself in a better position for him to want to be in a relationship with you again.

 

I also hope you are doing these changes for yourself and not to win your ex back.

[odile]

Try not to worry about making changes to "show him" anything.

Make the changes in your life to better yourself, for the good of yourself.

If you direct your energy in this way, your effort will be more sincere, and more fruitful.

It's important for you to consider and address whatever it is within yourself that brought out some negative behaviours.

Putting down and insulting your partner, being controlling and jealous-- these things all point to larger issues that you may have independent of the relationship, and this is stuff that you need to get to the roots of and work on while you are still single.

The changes that a person can set in action within 7 weeks take longer than that to actually set in, so even if he comes back, try to be wise about whether or not you are actually ready to be with someone.

If you push things too soon or too fast, you run a great risk of falling into the same unhealthy patterns.

If and when you decide that you want to give a relationship a go, take things easy, and move at a gentle pace rather than rushing together.

[TSandullo]

Changing for the better may impress your ex quite a lot, but may not necessarily guarantee a reconciliation.

 

This is a bit of a morbid thought, but I use it myself:

If my ex was dead, would I be hellbent in 'changing' myself.

 

Initially I can honestly say no, but now, well I work on my kinks daily and learn something new.

 

working on yourself for yourself lasts longer as the reasons will always be there: your existence, whereas the existence of your ex in your life may necessarily not be.

 

having said that, I agree with the following:

If and when you decide that you want to give a relationship a go, take things easy, and move at a gentle pace rather than rushing together.

[hellohello1]

i appreciate it guys. i was in a 3 year relationship prior and was constantly cheated on and lied to and while of course its no excuse, it caused some insecurities and trust issues with me and anxiety over having control and whatnot. i totally agree 7 weeks isnt enough to make complete changes, i havent yet. but i acknowledge my issues and am actively working on them.

 

i think you guys are right in that i need to not do it for him, and do it for myself. which i totally agree with, because i hate being this way, just hate it. i hate looking at other girls and getting jealous. its clear i have insecurities and i think i need to develop more self-confidence..thanks guys

[Puckdog27]

There is no way to show someone you changed. They can only notice it on their own by interaction with you, and unfortunately once you break up, there is very little interaction to provide evidence of the change. There in lies the rub.

 

That said, if the changes make you a better person, just continue to behave in a way that reflects the change you state you made.

[biggerheart]

Saying you recognized what the problems were is not the same as fixing them. Of course you are not clingy now. He is not there to cling to but what stops the behavior if you got back together? Trust me, just noticing you have the capacity will not help you recognize it if you slip back into it.

 

Regardless, you can not tell someone you changed. You just change and they either notice or they don't. You can tell them what you are doing that would indicate change... going out more, being happy, seeking counselling, etc.

[wildestkabs]

You don't. If they are still interested, they will find out on their own, otherwise any changes in you would not matter if they have absolutely no interest left (changes in physical appearance possibly being an exception).

[hellohello1]

i said i recognize the problems and am actively working on fixing them. anyone has the ability to be "anything". just because i have the ability to be clingy doesnt mean i will be again. when he first met me he was the clingy one and i wasnt..it was like that for the first year.

 

i appreciate the feedback. he was in las vegas this weekend which was difficult for me but i didnt text him at all or anything liek that. he texted me today telling me he was coming home and whatnot and i just said oh thats awesome i hope you had a good trip he said ya i did, he talked about how he got drunk and whatnot and stayed up late..kind of kept going on about how much he drank when i didnt even ask him. before i would have nagged and gotten annoyed but instead i just laughed and said well im glad you had a blast and whatnot. he kept trying to go further and i just laughed it off everytime instead of nagging and whatever like i did before..does anyone think he was "testing the waters" or wanting to see how i would react? he would keep telling me random information that wasnt TERRIBLE, but stuff that i would have nagged about while we were dating (drinking too much, staying out too late, being irresponsible) but instead i laughed it off and seemed happy he had a good time..is this showing change?