Is it wrong to give advice to someone even when they dont ask??

[Lauren8785]

A ? for everyone.....Is it wrong to give your advice if someone doesn't ask for it, to begin with??? When I see someone hurting or talking about something- I like giving my advice and trying to help them even if they dont ask. Thats the kind of person I am. I want to be a counselor someday and enjoy helping people with their problems and can't help but state my advice. Is it wrong to?? I believe its just in my nature.

[Lauren8785]

Also, someone told me I shouldn't be mad at them because they never asked for my advice to begin with.

 

I got annoyed because this girl keeps talking about how in love she is with this guy and he's treated her like trash and I have told her numerous times she don't need a guy like that and just felt she doesn't listen to me. She never asked for my advice, but she keeps on talking about it and saying she's confused and stuff so I gave her my advice to help her out anyway and she told me she never asked for it so I shouldn't be mad at her.

[MetaphorDavis]

Listening without judgement is the highest form of communication because it lets the person knows you understand them and forms a bond of trust...once that trust is established then give them advice.

[-Sanguine-]

Also, someone told me I shouldn't be mad at them because they never asked for my advice to begin with.

 

 

If you are simply offering advice to someone, what would you have to be mad about??

[lana111]

Yes. I hate when I hear a person talking and someone throws in their two cents when the person speaking never once asked for advice. They may not want an opinion at that moment. If they do, they will ask.

[Lauren8785]

If you are simply offering advice to someone, what would you have to be mad about??

 

Mad- cause I kept giving the same advice over n over. She just wouldn't stop talking about him when everyone told her the same things I did. it gets old. Annoying and fusterating when you try to help someone and they seem like they dont listen!

[-Sanguine-]

Mad- cause I kept giving the same advice over n over. She just wouldn't stop talking about him when everyone told her the same things I did. it gets old. Annoying and fusterating when you try to help someone and they seem like they dont listen!

 

Okay, I can see how that might be annoying, but really.. if she didn't ask you to help her, you can't just get angry because she's not listening to your advice.

 

Even if she DID ask you for advice and she doesn't listen, you have no right to get mad at her. Advice is just an opinion of what you would do in that situation. She can take it into consideration, but she doesn't HAVE to do what you want her to do and you don't really have a right to get angry because of that.

 

I've been in a situation similar.. except one of my friends would offer me advice, even when I wasn't complaining about anything or upset. She would just offer her opinion when she felt like it and be upset with me if I didn't agree.

 

Maybe you should just offer advice when someone asks for it to keep yourself from getting frustrated when they don't listen to what you say.

[nutbrownhare]

One of the things about being a counsellor or, for that matter, working on a helpline - is that you only give advice when it is asked for. Actually, I'll qualify that ... counsellors very rarely give advice; what they will generally do is to explore areas of difficulty with a client, so that the client can come up with his/her solution to problems. Even in this area, one of the skills of the counsellor is knowing WHEN to introduce difficult concepts or give feedback which the client may find painful.

 

When asking if it's wrong to give advice when it hasn't been asked for ... generally, help or advice which hasn't been requested is seen by the recipient as criticism. You are telling the other person by implication that you know their problems and their situation better than they do, and this is unlikely to be well received. If you then find yourself getting mad when they don't accept your advice, you would do well to reflect on whose needs you are trying to serve here. It doesn't sound as though they're the needs of the other person.

 

I've just picked up the following from a website about the characteristics of codependency:

 

Control Patterns:

 

I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.

I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

 

I am not saying that your desire to help others is wrong - without people like you, the caring professions would not exist - it's just that it might be useful for your own sanity to look at this characteristic within yourself. If you can learn to differentiate between your own needs and those of others, this will make you very much more effective if you do decide to become a therapist.

 

"Help is the sunny side of control"

[livelarge]

May I suggest this, advice is meant as ONE option, not the only option. And it should be given as a means of support - not as a dictate.

 

We are all human. Some of us even do the same stupid things over and over again and we won't see our way out of a bad situation until we are ready to. We are not just waiting for the right advice; we are instead waiting for our hearts to catch up with our heads.

[-Sanguine-]

May I suggest this, advice is meant as ONE option, not the only option. And it should be given as a means of support - not as a dictate.

 

We are all human. Some of us even do the same stupid things over and over again and we won't see our way out of a bad situation until we are ready to. We are not just waiting for the right advice; we are instead waiting for our hearts to catch up with our heads.

 

I like this a lot! Very true. People need to come to a realization on their own most of the time.

[shes2smart]

While your intent to help is probably good, I suspect that giving un-asked-for advice is probably not the best way to help.

 

My long-time therapist once said something that really changed the way I looked at people. She said, "(my name), some people just like to {complain}"

 

They don't want advice, they don't necessarily want to change anything, they don't necessarily want to get out of the situation, they just want to complain.

 

It's their absolute right to do so, as well.

 

But you don't have to stick around and listen.

[daffodil444]

A ? for everyone.....Is it wrong to give your advice if someone doesn't ask for it, to begin with??? When I see someone hurting or talking about something- I like giving my advice and trying to help them even if they dont ask. Thats the kind of person I am. I want to be a counselor someday and enjoy helping people with their problems and can't help but state my advice. Is it wrong to?? I believe its just in my nature.

 

yes and no.

 

on the one hand, i'm sure you're intentions are the best and that you want to help.

 

on the other, those best intentions may be perceived differently from the people you are giving advice to if they haven't asked for it. one person may very much appreciate your input while another may feel as if you're trying to meddle in his/her life. this i say after i've been in situations both in which i've had someone give me advice i didn't ask for and it's been a great help and others in which someone has tried to give me unsolicited advice and it's come accross as them being more interested in hearing the sound of their own voice and not respecting my opinions.

 

it's not wrong per se, but be sure to go about it in a way that shows you mean well.

[daffodil444]

Listening without judgement is the highest form of communication because it lets the person knows you understand them and forms a bond of trust...once that trust is established then give them advice.

 

very much agreed

[catfeeder]

It's not about being wrong or right, it's about not jeopardizing a friendship. Lots of people vent but aren't necessarily asking for advice--especially advice they don't want to hear suggesting actions they aren't ready or willing to take. Imposing unsolicited advice puts them in a horrible position of either following unwanted advice or defending against the expectation that they will do so, or later defending against the implication that they 'should have' done so.

 

The best advice in the world is wasted on anyone who isn't ready for it. Some people opt to start avoiding the friend who's advice they did not follow. That's one of the key risks to imposing unwanted advice--it can come off as intrusive and rude and superior, and it can land you lonely pretty fast.

 

I listen to my friends and allow them to go as far as they wish, including repeating themselves. I may later ask them things like, what would you like to see happen? Or, is there any way I can help you with this? Or, any ideas about what you'd like to do about this?

 

I think people are most compelled to take action on solutions they come up with themselves. If there's any way for me to help facilitate that by asking things instead of stating things, that's my first choice.

 

If I'm bubbling over with what I believe is a great solution, I first ask, "I have an opinion but don't know how you'll feel about it--do you want to hear it?" I wait for them to consider that question carefully. This is a last resort--only used when I see a big neon piece of a puzzle they don't seem to see.

 

Tread carefully.

[Cheetarah]

I think it's natural to want to extend help/advice to someone talking about a particular scenario with you. However, I think when you give unsolicited advice, your focus shifts on what you can say next rather than truly giving them your ear. When someone is JUST wanting you to listen this can be kind of insulting.

 

But I've just gotten into the habit of saying "I am not looking for advice, but I could really use your support by just letting me vent right now". So, I usually just listen. Then when they are done, I ask if they'd like some feedback, as another poster suggested.

[Lauren8785]

I think it's natural to want to extend help/advice to someone talking about a particular scenario with you. However, I think when you give unsolicited advice, your focus shifts on what you can say next rather than truly giving them your ear. When someone is JUST wanting you to listen this can be kind of insulting.

 

But I've just gotten into the habit of saying "I am not looking for advice, but I could really use your support by just letting me vent right now". So, I usually just listen. Then when they are done, I ask if they'd like some feedback, as another poster suggested.

 

Thanks guys, thats very interesting. I never thought to ask someone if they wanted to hear what I thought. I usually just speak my mind when someone is telling me something, I don't hesitiate to ask. Maybe that's something to keep in mind next time instead of just giving my advice out at anytime.

 

Nutbrownhare---"If you can learn to differentiate between your own needs and those of others, this will make you very much more effective if you do decide to become a therapist." --I don't have any needs. I'm not trying to gain anything from this, I just like helping a friend when I see them upset. I guess I mistaked my friends ventings as an opportunity to give her advice.

She told me she was just venting and not looking or asking anyone for advice but instead I took it the wrong way and gave my advice anyway. I just love helping people with their problems it makes me feel good to help someone!! Thank you though for the tips and everything, its good to have that in mind as well.

 

Livelarge--"We are all human. Some of us even do the same stupid things over and over again and we won't see our way out of a bad situation until we are ready to. We are not just waiting for the right advice; we are instead waiting for our hearts to catch up with our heads. " That quote is soo very true!! I just wish my friend could see that she can do better then this guy she's been with. Its just fusterating cause she complains about him at work constantly n b*s about how bad he treats her and yet tells me she's still in love with him and confused. Its like DUH anyone with a brain would know to leave someone like that and move on and she's told me all her friends n family told her the same things yet still is soo in love with him. I don't understand that its like she knows he's worthless yet at the same time won't let him go she still sleeps with him she told me and uses him for sex. He tells her he loves her yet is with other girls. This guy is terrible! It just doesn't make sense. I know I can't tell her what to do but I told her it gets old listening to that and I just don't want to hear about it anymore. If you dont like being treated that way then why continue to let it happen?? Its a given..and common sense

[Cognitive_Canine]

In real life, I don't give advice unless asked for it. A lot of my friends just want someone to listen and agree with them. I always say "do you want to talk about it?" to give them the option to ask. On here I assume everyone is looking for advice, since this is a help forum.

 

I know that I don't like it when people give me unwanted advice when I'm upset. I really just like being left alone. I cry extremely easily and I'd rather hide in my room until I regain composure. I feel humiliated if someone is hell bent on being with me while I'm upset.

[catfeeder]

If you're tired of hearing the same ol' complaints, draw the line at what you're willing to discuss. You can say, "You already know how I feel about this, so unless you're ready to act to change things, we can talk about anything else in the world--but this."

 

If she sticks around as your friend and you can find other things to base a friendship on, then you'll both have a win. If not, then it's her loss--let her take her it to someone else.