She wants a Break, I asked to break up.

[ncbb]

What does it mean when my gf wants a break after I have a spaz/needy moment. She has pushed away for a month and I felt like things were going south. When she tells me she wants a break and I ask for the engagement ring back, she gets upset and doesn't want a break up, just a break. Is there any significance in her keeping the ring? She had an absolute out and did not take it? I've read all about breaks and how they are most likely to end, but why keep the Ring and leave her most intimate undergarments here?

[DN]

I agree with you that a break is almost always a break-up. I would send back her clothes and enclose a letter asking for the ring back. Don't contact her about anything else.

 

If she wants to fix the relationship then decide what to do then. But don't fall for the 'on a break' nonsense. You are either engaged or you are not.

[misssmithviii]

Agreed, in my experience with myself and other people - a "break" is meaningless nonsense. If she wanted to work on some issues with you, or if it was going rough yet she still wanted it to work out - there would be no reason to take a "break" and everything that encompasses having a break. She just as easily could've asked for a little space if anything, but a "break"? Ugh... yes, send her clothes back and ask for the ring and nothing else - if she wants to fix things, that's needs to be her objective - not yours.

 

By break, I assume that means dropping the gf/bf/engaged status - correct me if I'm wrong but what is the point of dropping that status unless one wants to do things that aren't permissible while in a committed, monogamous relationship? When things get rough yet one wants to continue the relationship and expects to continue it - there's absolutely no need to drop the status.

 

Best wishes.

[lostnscared]

I agree. It's odd for her to say she wants a break but still want to keep the engagement ring. Either she wants to work through your issues and keep the engagement going or she wants space/wants out and therefore by default is not interested in marrying you at this point.

 

I wouldn't say it ALWAYS means that the relationship is over, but typically asking for "space" or a "break" is a sign that the relationship is headed down south or is already pretty much over. Every now and then the break is needed for clarity purposes are to work through doubt, but for the most part a break isn't a good sign.

 

Being that I'm on a break right now with my BF, I'm treating like a break up. I recommend you do the same.

 

The only way she gets to keep the ring is if she decides she wants to make this work.

 

Otherwise take it and run.

[ramcoro]

Well she might be trying to be optimist about the situation (Or she is selfish and wants to sell the ring). Either way I agree with the above post, ask for your ring back.

[ncbb]

To be fair, she is going through an extreme rough time in her own life, Finances, getting ready to be kicked out of her apartment, has 3 kids etc... same advice?

[misssmithviii]

... Yeah - if anything she would be reaching out to you, and as I said before - wanting space is at least keeping the status while having some reflection time - hence I think breaks are nonsense. If she just wants space and time to herself for a little bit, then why not just ask for that? There is no honest, good reason for dropping the title unless she's seriously planning on leaving you, doesn't want to be engaged or wants to do something that's not permissible in a relationship.

 

If I were having her problems I would be thankful my man were there to help me through it. If I wanted time to get my life straightened out (which it sounds like she SERIOUSLY needs to do) then I wouldn't want to drop the status - that's not directly related to her life problems. But perhaps not getting married to someone who is adamant about keeping an engagement ring while taking a "break" isn't such a bad thing...

[dancingcolors]

Maybe she wants to sell the ring.

[DN]

To be fair, she is going through an extreme rough time in her own life, Finances, getting ready to be kicked out of her apartment, has 3 kids etc... same advice?

Yes. Even more so. Get that ring back.

[itsallgrand]

Oh wow. A woman not ready for marriage, if you ever did see one.

 

An exchange of panties for the ring.

[HeartGoesOn]

Is she getting child support for her 3 kids? Either way, you have every right to get that ring back, and sooner rather than later.

[Ms Darcy]

You better get that ring back before it ends up in a pawn shop.

[MikNomis]

Tell her there's either stay together and work things out, or break up. A break doesn't achieve anything that already can be achieved better by staying together or breaking up. But at the same time, you said things were going south for a month at least, so I think you made the right choice in telling her to break up. Also about the spazzy and needy moments, I think you should work on eliminating that completely.

[ncbb]

We are meeting today to exchange stuff and rings. Let the healing begin. I hope she has the ability to tell me the truth, not that it matters really.....

[sahasupa]

Actually, this situation is fairly typical for break ups. The dumper often drugs the dumpee along until s/he is emotionally ready for the actual break up. You did the right thing by going for a preventive dump. Now do yourself a favor, go NC and do not think too much about her motivations for doing this or that. That is irrelevant now.

[ncbb]

your 100% right, 3.5 hours from now is the end of the end.

[DN]

I hope it goes as well as it can under the circumstances. Stay strong.

[ncbb]

Well I have the ring back, over a 2 hour talk we decided to take a "Timeout". shes in a deep dark place, Mom is selling her car, shes being evicted this weekend, and is in such a bad place she doesn't even care.

 

I asked her what she wants after she walks out the door, the answer was to still be known as "My Girl" and after she gets out of her slump, she wants to pound on my door and hope I'm still available. I kinda of feel like I'm abandoning her, but she refuses help from anyone, I spoke to her friends, they are getting ignored too. I told her she can't live in the past as well as worry about the future, live in the now.

 

She is stuck worrying about things that haven't happened. I asked how much of a timeout she needed and the answer was a week, 2 weeks maybe a month. At this point I have initiated NC. She also is worried that I want to get married because she wants to get married. Worried about what if I wake up one day and don't want to be married anymore. Anxiety?

 

I prefer to think the best of people and the signs of depression are all there, but the signs of depression and cheating are so much the same. She has her kids 24/7 so I think the possibility of cheating are slim. I'm still listed in her phone as her "Faience". When she removed her Ring she had tan lines, I guess that's a good sign.

 

I do know that I lover her, am in love with her and not just in love with having someone there.

 

I'm not lost nor confused nor sad... Maybe I feel helpless, or maybe I'm not sure what I feel..

 

Anyone?

[DN]

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. All you can do in these circumstances is do what is best for you. I think your best bet is to assume the relationship is over for good and, when you are ready, move on.