My Boyfriend of 1-1/2 years doesn't want kids

[mseames]

My boyfriend of 1-1/2 years decided after a couple of months of depression and struggle that he doens't want children, period. This crushed me, as we both went into the relationship with the agreement that we both wanted marriage and a family. When it gets to the point where it is going to happen, he changed his mind. Said he didn't want the responsibility. I don't know what to do, i love him so much and it is the best relationship we both have ever had. I can't decide if i should leave or just give up on kids, although both thoughts are killing me. I cry all the time and i just don't know what to do, i can't see a future without him, but i can't see one without kids either. I am crushed and confused, what should i do?

[Sparkly Eyes]

It's hard to say...you can always find another man, but with him, you have to give up on your dream about children. How old are you? If you are really young, perhaps you can give him some time with the hope of him changing his mind. If not, then I'm afraid you have to move on.

[sunday2010]

If you're young maybe give it time if not please move on and fast!!!

[alli]

So for a year and a half he wanted children, and now for the past 2 months after a period of depression he doesn't want them? It seems that perhaps the depression is affecting his decision-making, perhaps once he gets treated and returns to his normal, happy state he will return to his original decision.

 

I don't see a reason to jump the gun right now and break up, unless you were looking at marriage very, very soon. Especially since he's back & forth on this. If he were steadfast in his decision to not have children the whole time you've known him, breaking up would probably be the only option if having children is that important to you. Yeah, you don't want to wait around forever to see if he changes his mind, but give it a little time at least to see how things pan out.

[faithful14]

I would think for now, it's just the depression talking. I would think that once he's out of his funk, he might change his mind again.

[In the Dark]

If it's important to you and his mind does not change then it will never work out.

Having a child is life changing.

Some people do not mind the thought, while others do.

 

Also people CAN and do change their mind regardless of how much they love you.

That's where serious compromise where one of the people have to just suck it up comes in.

 

If that can be lived with, without resentment then it is fine.

[ChelseaLee]

You need to make it crystal clear to him how much this is hurting you! I agree with what the others said; this is most likely a side affect of his depression. I would imagine that the thought of having children while depressed would increase the depression. When you're depressed, it's extremely difficult to take care of yourself, let alone children! He most likely developed this new perception on having children during the peak of his depression and just hasn't had time to really think about it clearly.

[Fudgie]

Sounds like depression could be playing a part, no doubt. I'd have him get some help with that. He will feel better overall.

 

I'd wait several months AFTER he starts treatment to make sure he's back to his old self, then ask again. If he says no...then you need to respect that and decide your next move. Don't do anything sneaky to get yourself pregnant, and don't nag or be mean about (god, I get so mad at women who do these things - so mean). I understand your frustration because you went into the marriage with kids in mind, but that doesn't mean that he's bound to it by law. If that is what he thinks, you either need to settle or move on. I'd say move on then, because if you want kids in your life, you may end up regretting it later that you didn't have any.

[dancingcolors]

Years ago, iwas 32, and my boyfriend was 23. I really wanted a kid, and he said he was too young, which was fair. We were together 2 years. He went to the rabbi, we are both Jewish. The rabbi told him to leave me, so I could have the baby I wanted. He did leave me, and I met my kid's dad. That didn't last but 4 years, but I have my 21 year old daughter. She is by far the BEST thing that ever happened to me in my life.

 

Now 25 years later I find him on facebook. He is 48 years old, and you know what? He never did have a kid.

[Ms Darcy]

This is a really tough one. I dated a guy for a couple of months and he didn't want kids. I am really glad that we are broken up.

 

On the other hand, you've been together for almost 2 years and you were planning a future. This depression - as others say - may be impacting his reactions. I would give it a little time and then tell him in no uncertain terms that you do want children. If his mind doesn't change, you have to leave.

[mseames]

Thank you for all of the advice. I do think he is depressed and is off balance, but he is refusing all help. After a talk he said he didn't want me to wait around and that he was ready to move on from the relationship. So we did end up breaking up, but i am happier now and i am dating again. I really think something is off with him, he actually said he didn't want to live past 60. We are both nurses, so i can't make him get help. Now i just feel very sad for him and what he is missing out on in life.