ex says he is confused about being single

[hellohello1]

hey all, im sure many know my story, but for a quick background: my ex boyfriend broke up with me 6 weeks ago, claiming he is confused, needs to find himself, still loves me, has doubts if the relationship will last, isnt 100% sure i am the one for him, says we will probably get back together one day, break up will be good for our relationship, no guarantees though.. (i could be clingy and controlling and jealous especially towards the end of the relationship) so the first 2 weeks i begged. i have not initiated any form of contact in 27 days. he has not gone for more than 5 or 6 days without talking to me, typically it has been random crap which is clearly just an excuse to talk to me or to feel me out..has said 2 weeks ago he has thought about getting back together, but needs to be sure of it, still loves me...it is obvious to me that he doesnt want to be with me right at this point, but does not want to let me go either, in other words, i think i am his safety net.

 

i have responded most times he has contacted me, but it has been brief and i have not really said anything about myself or what ive been up to, and certainly have not discussed my feelings for him..i added pics to facebook last week of me just out having a good time with friends and then 12 hours later he adds pictures on facebook. then a few days later i add some more pics that were taken the day before of me out partying with friends (mainly just girlfriends)..anyway i get a facebook message that night from him saying some random stuff, so i barely replied, he asked me how i was doing i just said busy and stuff..then after a little more of small talk he brought up the relationship. essentially, he said he has been very emotional lately and hurt and confused, and he thought by now he would have figured out what he wanted to do (be in a relationship with me or not)..he says he wishes things were simple and clear but theyre not and its frustrating, because he doesnt know what he wants to do. this is the first tiem he has brought up the relationship. my responses were that i am sorry he is feeling confused, i hope things get better for him and i am sure he will figure things out, and if he ever wants to talk in greater detail he can contact me about it..and that was that..

 

then 2 days later he adds pictures from the day before he sent me that message of him partying and his arms around girls and all that kind of thing. i am pretty sure he is doing it for probably several reasons, but i definitely think he is trying to make me jealous..(other than this past week he hasnt added pictures to facebook in over 3 years)..im pretty sure he is trying to be seen as a "hot commodity" and perhaps wants a reaction out of me? maybe he wants to boost his ego?

 

should i continue with not initiating any contact with him? i really would like to be with him one day..what do you think his motives were for randomly letting me know he is confused about being single and "doesnt know how its treating him"..to keep me around as a safety net? to feel where im at?

[woodc5]

Don't initiate and let him figure himself out. Stop looking at his Facebook, too. It's only going to bother you.

[hellohello1]

youre right. its sooo hard. i dont want to delete him though. i did hide him so he doesnt pop up unless i purposely go to his page..i think the past 2 or 3 days have been hard becaue i have not been busy..all my friends are away, is there any ideas anyone has to keep myself busy? ( i only get 25 hours a week of work)

[lovethyself]

luckily for you hellohello, you are a girl..guys tend to come back to their ex's more than girls do because they don't have the same social characteristics..guys usually hold in deep feelings while girls talk about them in the open to other girls. Therefore when its the girl making the decision to cut things off, they've already thought long and hard about it PLUS they've gotten advice from their close friends and family..When guys cut things off its because they (at the moment) want to be single and have sex with different girls..if you weren't a physco gf or never cheated on him, then he really has no real reason to break it off unless he just got bored of you or is not attracted to you SEXUALLY as much. Right now he's thinking he's better of single like some of his friends, or because he's young possibly..but when he goes to bed at night all alone, he's thinking of you. Trust me. Your best bet is to distance yourself and not be so available to him. YOU are the prize catch so act like it

[hellohello1]

thanks, yeah im pretty sure the relationship got super boring and we werent having nearly as much sex, plus we literally spent all our time together there was no mystery or excitement anymore..

 

logically i know i need to continue not initiating any contact, and perhaps even outright ignoring some of his if they are just random crap, i guess i just need affirmation that i should continue doing what im doing..im missing him lots now

[lovethyself]

youre right. its sooo hard. i dont want to delete him though. i did hide him so he doesnt pop up unless i purposely go to his page..i think the past 2 or 3 days have been hard becaue i have not been busy..all my friends are away, is there any ideas anyone has to keep myself busy? ( i only get 25 hours a week of work)

 

the #1 idea to keep yourself busy is to start going to a gym, it will help with your confidence and the physical results will get your ex to notice..remember, men are visual creatures so anything you do to help your appearance (weight loss, new haircut, makeover, tighter butt, toned/tanned legs..etc) will get your ex and other guys to really notice you.

[kelly155]

I think you just explained my ex! The whole process of the break up & the feelings after wards for a guy....

 

I distanced myself, NC at all even when he tried contacting me to ask if I was okay....and the next thing I got from him was a deleted friendship on facebook and him being in a relationship with a girl 2 weeks later.

 

UGH. But I guess things happen for a reason....

[kelly155]

thanks, yeah im pretty sure the relationship got super boring and we werent having nearly as much sex, plus we literally spent all our time together there was no mystery or excitement anymore..

 

 

That's exactly how our relationship was....although, I myself didn't mind being comfortable.....love is more than just a "honeymoon" phase! I don't think he understood that. I don't think that it helped that he was recently divorce too and probably just wanted a girl that will put him in the honeymoon phase FOREVER....I guess the joke is on him because there is no such thing!

[hellohello1]

for some reason the past few days ive had such a rough time with this..i think its because i havent been super busy..is this normal though? its been 6 weeks since the break up..i feel worse than i did last week or even the week before..missing him bad, those pics made me wonder what hes up to, who hes with..however, those pics were taken the day before he messaged me saying how emotional and confused and hurt he has been lately..

 

2.5 weeks ago he told me he wasnt planning on seeing anyone, hasnt, doesnt want to, would be surprised if he even went out on a date with someone by the end of the summer..but it hurts, who knows..maybe he met someone..im thinking too much about this..

[probablybetter]

i know exactly how you feel! 2 weeks ago, i was obsessively checking my ex's fb, being jealous, hurt, and confused over all his new pictures, status updates, comments, etc. what helped me was to remember that although he hurt me alot during the relationship, i was still allowing him to hurt me even when we weren't together. and in the end, it wasn't really him who was doing this to me--i was the one looking at his fb and inflicting the pain upon myself! since then, i've stopped cold turkey and haven't been on his page at all. it was a combination of this realization and just getting sick of that sinking feeling every time i saw his page. don't know if this will help but just letting you know what helped me. i feel SO good now that i have no idea what he's up to, it's really freeing.

[hellohello1]

thats true probablybetter - thanks..

 

i just have to keep that in mind..its so tough! is there something you do or think of everytime you were about to go to look at his stuff?

 

and i totally agree - im the one choosing to look at his stuff, at least regardless im certianly not going to let him have any indication that it has hurt me or anything..i think i need to step away from facebook for a little while..

 

we need to realize that only we have control over ourselves. they control themselves and we control ourselves. we can choose whether to look at that or not, or even go on at all..i will try to keep it in mind, thanks

[hellohello1]

UPDATE - so today i am working (we both work in the mall, he works at the opposite end on a different level) and shortly after i start he comes in (he was not working) apparnetly he was buying something in the mall and decided to stop by..well aynway he ended up talking for about 10 or 15 minutes..i was very casual and happy and smiling and stuff, didnt talk too much about myself, he did ask a lot about who i was doing things with, and seemed a bit surprised and hurt when i would just say oh jut some friends..and when he found out ive been doing some of the things ive been doing..he told me that i was looking good, he rubbed my shoulder..he talked a bit about some past memories of ours, told me that last night he went for a drive to a town an hour away because he was trying to think..then told me he went and hung out with his buddy at the pub afterwards and got extremely drunk..he told me it was nice seeing me and told me i should stop by his store thursday night (when we are both working) i never raelly gave him an answer..im thinking i shouldnt? anyway so i was acting happy, and like i was loving life and having a good time..it almost seemed to bother him..anyway well its been 4 weeks today of not initiating any contact with him!

 

should i have acted the way i did? just continue doing what im doing? not show up at his store on thursday?

[lovethyself]

couldn't have done it any better myself! good job...first off, i highly doubt he drove an hr away somewhere just to "think"...i'm sure he just said that so he could reassure you that he is indeed "confused", which he is not..he's simply testing the waters and seeing whats out there for him..def do NOT show up to the store thursday, it will set you back to day 1. Take a step back and look at what's happened so far...you have gone NC and now your ex is showing up unexpectedly, bringing up the past, complimenting you on your looks, and even asking you to see him in a couple of days...you are doing everything RIGHT. Believe me when I say its still too soon to give into anything..he probably hit a dead spot (girls uninterested, plans not following through, not as much sex as he thought) hence the whole drinking with a buddy nite..what i would do is stay busy and uninterested in what is going on in his life, he will see it and sense it and in turn get HIM interested in you again.

[hellohello1]

thanks, i appreciate it. yes i definitely think i should not stop by on thursday..i hope it makes him not so sure of me as his "safety net"..i guess im a bit scared that he will get mad/upset, but please tell me thats stupid? i appreciate ur response..i thought i acted pretty cool and happy..i was polite and even laughing with him but i was pretty indifferent to what he has been up to..i definitely feel that i do have some control, at least of myself and it feels good to not let him know the satisfaction that while i am out and having fun, part of me is stil hurting inside

 

i do like to think i am doing things right too..i dont think he would keep contacting me and even showing up at my work if i was contacting him..i think since i have stopped pushing him, he no longer feels the need to pull away

[hellohello1]

does anyone else think i should just not go on thursday? im really unsure of what to do even though my gut is telling me not to show up...

[lovethyself]

since no one has replied to you yet, let me put in my two cents again...you're thinking that if you don't show up he will be upset/mad...as a male, let me tell you that if he does get upset...it's only because he now feels like he has NO control over you...men like to be in control..when girls get mad/upset its because they take it to heart and well the saying goes "hell has no fury like a woman scorned"..its worse when a girl gets upset at a guy then vice versa..think about it, if this situation was reversed and YOU were the one who got upset because he didn't show up..you'd probably be a total b*tch to him and start to ignore the feelings that you may still have for him..When he gets mad its not going to be bc you hurt his feelings, its because you didn't do what he asked you to do...take it for what its worth but him not having control of you anymore will def peak his interest and make him work much harder. I wouldn't show up if I were you, and if he asks why you didn't just tell him you had plans afterwards or were too busy during work.

[Cadence44]

does anyone else think i should just not go on thursday? im really unsure of what to do even though my gut is telling me not to show up...

 

Don't go on Thursday. Your gut has been leading you in the right direction. When in doubt about what you should do, always lean toward letting your actions show him that you are becoming increasingly indifferent and are moving on. I think if you keep it up, you'll actually start moving on which will be good for you no matter the outcome with your ex.

 

The facebook stuff is classic passive-aggressive behavior on his part. He's trying to get a reaction from you to make himself feel better and it's not okay. Now that you're onto him, you can't let yourself be baited anymore. Go cold turkey and don't look at his page anymore. Just think about the day that he mentions something that he's posted and you tell him that you have no idea what he's talking about. It will be really satisfying for you and very confusing for him that you're not following his every move as he had expected.

 

As usual, I'm really impressed with how you've been handling this (aside from moments of weakness when you've checked his facebook). You're polite and friendly, but your actions are clear that your world no longer revolves around him. You are slowly slipping away from him and that gives him space to think. Instead of pushing him you are pulling. I think others on the board could learn alot from you.

[hellohello1]

alright. im not going to go. thanks guys. i think i knew i shouldnt but i was a bit scared he would get upset/mad..even if he does, so what? thats not a reason to get mad. its not like we made a specific time to meet up and i dont show up, i didnt even say i would go to his store i kind of didnt answer it and the subject got changed..

 

thanks guys because you have given me the support to know not to go. if he would actually get mad at that then its his problem anyway..im just going to keep doing waht im doing..thanks for the support

[hellohello1]

ughh i cant stop thinking about this..i have gotten my mind off of it and slowly my mind comes back to it..im scared hes going to think he shoudlnt be with me because i dont show up, or that i am completely over him, or i dont care about him...this is ridiculous..please tell me it is..i am thinkin about it too much even though im trying to get my mind off of it..no one thinks im ruining my chances by not showing do they? since he has initiated contact everytime since the past 4 weeks im scared he will see this as i am not interested in anything with him ever anymore and will stop contacting me..ugh i am being stupid arent i? i dont know..

 

 

im starting to get a headache literally over this and am getting a bit of anxiety and panic (ive been doing so good lately) i know i just need to calm down..im just scared ughh.....

[iJester]

You need to get out there and see some other guys. You should experience the fun of being single too, since he certainly is. Seriously, go bang someone else and see how you feel. If you don't like, don't do it anymore, but if you do well...

 

Post a picture of you all over a guy on facebook and see how quickly he comes running.

[hellohello1]

haha, yea i know i need to get out and have fun..i was!! but now all my days of all my buddys are working

 

so i decided that after reading your guys posts several times over and over (thanks btw) that it would be WAY too soon to push..clearly me pulling has made him come to me, and while there is a bit of a risk that he may get upset/mad/stop initiating anymore contact, pushing will probably do no good either..so im just not going to do anything..continue doing my thing..thanks..i was having a moment of weakness.

[lovethyself]

here's what i suggest, being as though you are not trying to get over your ex...your trying to get him back..right? Like i've said so far, you have been doing everything right and he's been the one initiating everything..what you DONT wanna do is give him any power back..by him wanting you to show up, he will sense he still controls you somewhat if you do decide to go...picture a scale, right now its unbalanced and you are on top(even though deep down inside you're on the bottom), if he gets what he wants then you will slowly start to come down and you two will be evened out. When he first broke up with you it was reversed, he was higher than you were. So back to what I would do...def don't go and when he brings it up, simply just say sorry you had plans or were too busy but maybe you two can have lunch sometime..what you're doing with that question is making everything on YOUR terms..trust me if this guy is thinking about you and possibly wondering how to get YOU back, then that lunch offering will light his day and he'll surely say yes. If he does say yes, congrats your in the ball game..if he says no..then continue to stick to NC.

 

The reason i am telling you to ask him for lunch is because its been about a month and he's been making efforts to be around you again..when my ex first broke up with me it was around 1-2 months before we hung out again and we got back together..I think the chances of getting them back are greater if there had never been a breakup during your relationship. Its easier to get them back the first time since everything is new to them...being alone, third wheel, emptiness...but if you two have been down this road before then you might need some more time to make him miss you. Just my 2 cents

[hellohello1]

alright so i DIDNT go! ugh it was tough..u know i think ive done good considering ive gotten to the point where my ex boyfriend (who i want to be with very much) invites me to come up to see him and i dont go! ugh i m scared i made the wrong choice and he will stop contacting me..he HAD to have been surprised that i didnt..right befor teh end of the night he texted me some random stupid text that was probably just an excuse to talk to me..ugh..thanks guys...i wouldnt have been able to do it without the support here..

 

ugh..all i wanna do is just tell him i love him so bad..why is this so hard? am i doing the right thing? he has contacted me or reached out probably about 10 times in the past 30 days where i have not contacted him once..i only contact him when he contacts me..and when i do i dont say too much and am kinda apathetic..i am scared he is going to give up and not contact me anymore being stupid arent i..?? i dont know..

[Cadence44]

Ok. Pull yourself together, girl. You did great! I know you're worried about how he'll react to you not going to visit him at work. I think you're still thinking as if you're in relationship mode and are accountable to him. The reality is that he chose to break up with you. You don't owe him anything and he's aware of that. He knows that he gave up the girl who would have come to visit him at work. Trust me, as soon as he had to accept that you weren't going to show up, he was thinking about what he gave up. This may have the side affect of some short term anger on his part, but he'll realize soon enough that he's mad at himself, not you.

 

You aren't being mean or cruel to him; you're friendly when you see him but you're also standing up for yourself and not accepting less than what you deserve. Don't willingly hand over the gift of continued control and influence over you.

 

Also, it may help to think of it in the reverse: He broke up with you; by doing this, he didn't do what you wanted him to do. Did you start feeling differently about him or do you still care about him? Was knowing that you couldn't have him anymore a catalyst to your feelings becoming stronger and more apparent to you? Of course they were as that's the natural reaction to having something taken away from you. It increases in value when you can't have it anymore. By standing up for yourself and demonstrating that you've accepted that you are no longer his girlfriend and that you have self-respect, you are in effect helping him to realize your value.

 

If you read this board enough, you will see that exes come back when they genuinely fear that they are losing you. Many of them make the decision to break up assuming that the dumpee will still be in their life and at their beck and call. If the dumpee does the opposite, oftentimes it causes the dumper to question whether the break up was a good idea. However, if the dumpee is waiting in the wings and still available at any time, the dumper is reassured and comfortable with the decision as there is no reason not to be.