Unsure about breaking up with her

[deprlon]

Thank you for anyone who replies honestly, especially to those who have/are going through what I am right now.

 

I am in the middle of a busy month and weeks of my life and have little time to really sit and reflect. In spare moments I think about my decision, but they don't provide any solace and provide give me much pain to think that I may have made a mistake.

 

I was with my girlfriend for about 3.5 years and we spent a lot of our lives together. We go to the same school, but have different degrees/aspirations in life. For a while in our relationship, I started to reconsider my feelings for her and reconsider whether we would even work out. I had so many ambitions and goals that I just didn't want to drag someone into. I didn't feel like she deserved to be with someone who was so unsure in their life and did not know how to tell her that we just didn't belong together.

 

But all the while, I thought that maybe it could have worked. I kept ignoring my deep feelings and just went along with it, because she was so great and she really took care of me. When you are with someone for that long, they just seem to understand you. They get what you feel and they know how to fix it. But I got tired of fixing things myself - I wanted to know I could live my own life, limitness and no bounds. In a relationship, you really have to see the other side and perspective. This is something that I wasn't willing to do as I really didn't want to sacrifice anything and I ultimately wanted me to blame for my successes and failures of my life.

 

Finally I reached a tipping point -- I broke up with her and said that I think that she could have someone much better. She said she would have done anything for me but I didn't (and still don't) believe it. I think she really did love me and I think that she really felt that we could have worked, but I think it was all a fairy tale and not a practical opinion for her to have.

 

But now, I am thinking that this was a terrible mistake. I know it is normal to second guess yourself, especially after the monumental decision I just made, but I think that there may be more to it. I feel like I may have just wanted to run away from my problems of my own life and I shoved her out.

 

But then again there are other things, not just the hinderances of my ambitions, that bothered me about us. She wasn't very good around people and there was something awkward about her that I couldn't set my finger on. When we were alone, she always wanted to be close and she was clingy -- I always wanted to do other things and separate.

 

I wanted our love to be just something that was "okay and on the side" rather than the forefront of my life. I kept taking her feelings for granted and I never thought of how seriously she was getting involved and how I just wasn't on the same level.

 

Am I alone on this? Did I make a mistake? I am desperate and I don't know where else to turn. Thanks for your time.

[SapphireNoir10]

Do you love her? Do you want to be with her?

 

Only you know if you made a mistake or not

[Stay_home]

In regards to saving her from any further harm and being honest about your feelings, I commend you for realizing these things about yourself and taking the responsibility to acknowledge. In terms of distancing yourself from a woman who's supported you for over 3.5 years and proved it... I think you made a mistake. Whatever you may think your faults were, she accepted them. 3.5 years is a lot of time to invest in a relationship to let it go because you suddenly realize that you haven't grown up yet. There could've been otherwise to handle this problem, I think. Nevertheless, if you're not ready, you're just not ready. But why now, after she's put in so much work, energy and effort? I guess you got to do what you have to. But I really think you may have made a mistake letting this woman go.

[deprlon]

Do you love her? Do you want to be with her?

 

Only you know if you made a mistake or not

 

I love her, but I think I don't want to be with her. The overall sentiment that "she is the one" just isn't here right now.

[SapphireNoir10]

Then its best to let her go and find someone who is sure about her and will appreciate, love and want her.

[Sparkly Eyes]

To be honest, I think she is better off without you and I think you know that. You don't love her, you want her for sex and other benefits. The truth is, you can't have your cake and eat it too...Being free and single comes with some disadvantages just like being in a relationship. You are new to singledom, so you miss what you effortlessly had before. You will get used to it, no need to go back.

[Stay_home]

^^^ Like I said, I think you made a mistake and left a good woman behind.

[Ms Darcy]

I love her, but I think I don't want to be with her. The overall sentiment that "she is the one" just isn't here right now.

 

Then you don't need to be with her.

[stu1973]

Good people you connect with are few and far between.

 

Sounds like GIGS to me.

[deprlon]

To be honest, I think she is better off without you and I think you know that. You don't love her, you want her for sex and other benefits. The truth is, you can't have your cake and eat it too...Being free and single comes with some disadvantages just like being in a relationship. You are new to singledom, so you miss what you effortlessly had before. You will get used to it, no need to go back.

 

That's not true about my sex life. On the contrary, while I may miss that it is BECAUSE I didn't want it to be about sex that I let it go now. I didn't want us to be defined by a one way relationship

[moving]

To be honest, I think she is better off without you and I think you know that. You don't love her, you want her for sex and other benefits. The truth is, you can't have your cake and eat it too...Being free and single comes with some disadvantages just like being in a relationship. You are new to singledom, so you miss what you effortlessly had before. You will get used to it, no need to go back.

 

I think this is what's going on. It sounds like you gave it thought and made the best decision for both of you. If you were so uncertain about her after 3.5 years that you felt able to walk away from it rather than trying to work things out with her, then, y'know, she probably isn't the one.

 

I think "dumper's regret" is probably fairly common when you realize everything that comes with being free and single. In a fairly happy, comfortable relationship, you have a lot - comfort, companionship, intimacy - that you suddenly lose when you return to being single. You have to fill much more of your time; you don't have that primary person to run to with your news and your ups and downs; you lose the person with whom you shared in-jokes and special places and moments; and then there's the "sex and other benefits". When you're the dumper, you make the choice to walk away. Nothing was preventing you from staying and having all of those things. But when you had them, it wasn't enough. So that probably means that you made the right decision - even though, now that you've lost both the bad and the good of the relationship, you remember and miss the good. That makes you human.

[d_lilah]

Every relationship takes effort, and even more so after the honeymoon period has ended. After such a long time, the 'spark' won't constantly be there, both parties have to work on it, and it sounds like you were too focused on your own future to even consider a future between the two of you together. Classic GIGS, I think.

 

Do you miss her or the relationship? If it is just the relationship, you will have more in the future, they are a dime a dozen...not always good, but they happen every day. But there is only one of her and she can't be replaced by another.

[nutbrownhare]

It sounds as though she put so much into the relationship that you didn't really have to work at it, and that you didn't really appreciate it because it was just too easy.

 

From the rest of your post, you seem unsure of yourself and make life unnecessarily difficult for yourself, so something that happened effortlessly would feel suspect and uncomfortable.

 

Even if she was the most perfect partner in the world, that was something that you were/are unable to handle right now, and it's probably best that you let her go, and gave her the opportunity of finding someone who wants what she's got to give. In general, if a relationship's right for you, you don't spend your time questioning it.