journals and bad things

[herekittykitty]

Long story short (as possible), I've been married 8 months. It's been good despite the adjustment of moving in together. My husband seems to think otherwise.

 

He has several journals. He left one open a while back and I saw he wrote some pretty mean things about me, things he wouldn't say to my face. "My wife is the rudest, most uncaring person ever"...etc.

 

I never snoop, but after that, if I see the journal open, I can't help myself. Today I read that he "doesn't enjoy marriage" because he feels tied down. Funny thing is, he goes wherever he wants, whenever he wants. I have made sure he is not "tied down". I never wanted his life to stop just because he got married.

 

He acts like everything is great but behind the scenes, he's writing terrible things. I hate it. It makes me paranoid. I haven't told him I saw the latest entry.

 

My question is...is it normal for a husband to write or think bad things of his wife? Is this just something I should accept? What should I do, if anything?

[waveseer]

Why is he leaving his personal journal open for you to see? I suspect some sort of attempt at manipulation on his part.

[herekittykitty]

He has an office I never really go in except to clean. I think he thinks I never go in there. And he probably trusts that I won't read it, which I have failed at majorly. Not an excuse, but it's SO hard not to read when there are such bad things about you.

[thinovate]

i would just kill him with kindness. Be supersweet to him all week and see if his writing changes.

[waveseer]

I suggest you stop cleaning his office. I know that seems overly simplistic but think about it, if you hadn't gone in there then you wouldn't be having a problem.

[herekittykitty]

Good idea. I am so nice all the time. I clean house, make dinner, have fun, compliment him, take care of myself. It seems no matter what, he will write mean things. I confronted him once, and he was SO mad at me for reading it, which i understand.

[herekittykitty]

I guess I should keep the office off limits. I just hate that I cant go in a room in my own house. But even if I don't go in, I know he's still writing about me.

[waveseer]

You are here writing about him, seems fair to me.

[herekittykitty]

I'm not trying to write bad things though. I'm just trying to find out if this is normal.

[waveseer]

My opinion is that he is entitled not only to his privacy but also to his opinion. If you had negative things to share about him you could do it here (and it wouldn't make you a bad person).

[Sparkly Eyes]

No, this is not normal! I think you should have a talk with him and tell him that he is totally free to go and end the marriage if he doesn't enjoy it and thinks of you as the rudest, most uncaring person...because honestly, if that is really how he feels, if he doesn't end it now, he will in future and I guess that's not what you want.

[Beautiful Nightmare]

If that's normal, then we're all screwed.

 

I can't imagine being married to someone who apparently hates me so much it leads to him writing in disgust. Sure, in the short term, you wouldn't have a problem if you hadn't read it. But in the long term? Resentment like that never leads to a happy ending.

 

Sit him down and ask him if he's happy with your marriage, in a non-confrontational way of course. Bring up the journal if he denies anything is wrong, and if you want, ask him what he thinks it would take to save your marriage and make you both happy.

[petite]

Being open about the snooping and also asking him to discuss the problems with you seems like the best way to deal with this.

There are obviously issues he isn't discussing with you; and playing games in a marriage shouldn't be a priority, but rather sorting out problems if there are any of course.

[herekittykitty]

Thank you all. I was pretty sure this wasn't just a fact of life. It kills me.

[marshmlofluff]

If you had negative things to share about him you could do it here (and it wouldn't make you a bad person).

 

No, but if she consistently wrote mean-spirited things about her husband here, without giving him an opportunity to address the issue directly, that might make her a bad wife.

 

He may be entitled to his opinions, but as those opinions bear directly on his marriage, his wife is entitled to his honesty.

 

Being open about the snooping and also asking him to discuss the problems with you seems like the best way to deal with this.

 

I agree.

[bluegradient]

The fact that he's writing things like that after only 8 months of marriage is really harsh. I mean I've heard the saying, "the honeymoon is over," but he sounds like some bitter old man who has had someone nagging him for 40 years not a newlywed.

 

And maybe I'm old fashioned but his having journals seems odd enough as it is. I've always thought writing down stuff in a journal or diary as something schoolgirls do. I had a LiveJournal once and that was to keep in touch with some female friends, it wasn't for posting my feelings.

 

I think he intended for you to read it. What would have happened if he died in a car accident? Someone's gonna go through his stuff and see what he wrote then anyway. To me writing it down indicates a hope, even if it's a subconscious hope, that someone else is going to read what he wrote. I won't even write down lock combinations or passwords because I'm cautious about other people finding them and this guy writes stuff about you in a house you share? That's fishy.

 

If you have truly been pleasant to him and can't fathom what he means by referring to you as rude then you really need to talk to him openly about this. Cause if he's writing down things in a way that makes you seem terrible and him seem like some kind of victim or abused partner, there could be an affair going on already. He might be trying to garner sympathy from another party who may be hearing these horror stories of his elsewhere, maybe in emails or an online journal. "Boo hoo, my marriage isn't what I thought it would be. Woe is me, my wife is oh so mean to me. Wanna get drinks sometime to help me get my mind off her?"

 

Sorry if that is a terrible thought but the whole situation just sounds like he's living a double life. Or wishing he was. He doesn't have a therapist does he? If so, maybe it's some kind of exercise to write down his frustrations or something. Still doesn't explain why he would claim you are acting in a way that you are not.

[catfeeder]

He's leaving nasty comments in open journals for a reason.

 

He expects you to see them. I'd start by asking him why.

[DN]

First - these were private ventings that he made in his journal and he had a right to expect you not to read them. Those sort of thoughts often occur to people and some find that writing them out is a safe way to get them out of the system and see them in perspective.

 

But, having seen them, it would be a good idea to do some self-examination, and see if there is any truth to them - even if they are only venting after some temporary argument or disagreement.

[ForumGuy]

Why is he leaving his personal journal open for you to see? I suspect some sort of attempt at manipulation on his part.

I agree with this post. He is leaving it open for you to read on purpose and putting you in the predicament of having had looked at it (of course you are curious, who wouldn't be?)), but not being able to respond, because if you did, you would be snooping. Very underhanded I think. But, since the beans have been spilled, you have to try to change your behaviour, if you are willing and see if the writings change. My guess is that he will be impossible to keep happy and you will end up frustrated. He should not be leaving his diary open like that. Games.

[Sabina K.]

That's really bad and I'm sorry you're going through this. The life of two newly weds should not be like that and I find the comments made by your husband mean and inconsiderate, regardless of whether he wanted you to see them or not. Games should not be played in a healthy relationship.

I would seriously stop cleaning his office. And the rest of his house, too.

[Unreasonable]

This stinks of manipulation imo.

 

I would, without obviously giving away that you read his journal, say you feel unsure about your relationship and ask him how he feels about you and certain situations. See how they match up.

 

If he lies, then I would try the "killing with kindness" technique - address EVERY complaint he has (surely there are SOME specifics?) and see if his attitude towards you changes.