FWB...Does it ever end well?

[TakingtheBlame]

I have posted on this site several times recently, in relation to a guy I was dating for a few months. We broke up nearly a year ago because he wasn't over his ex girlfriend/fiancee of 8 years, and he felt he wasn't ready to jump back into a serious relationship, which he felt I was looking for (and I was.) After one sexual relapse two weeks following our breakup, he said he would prefer to be friends with me rather than become a FWB. We have kept in touch since then, but not frequently, usually to have brunch or dinner every few months or so, and he has been very helpful to me professionally (he is in the same field as me, but a few years ahead.)

 

However, a few weeks ago he IMed me and hinted (almost jokingly) that if I ever wanted to sleep with him again, I should let him know, since he wasn't having much luck in the dating world. I was a little surprised by this sudden turn of events and I was a little insulted, so I declined, and he backpedaled, saying "I hope you know I didn't message you just to tell you that."

 

I've been thinking about him a lot lately, and I haven't slept with anyone since him (this was about eight months ago) so naturally I've been giving this a lot of thought. Part of me is extremely tempted to accept his proposal, another part of me feels like I'd like to explore a serious relationship someday if we are ever single at the same time and our paths cross.

 

My question is more of a general one, and mostly for the guys on this site...given this situation, once you've dated a girl very briefly, and for the sake of argument let's say it was truthfully because you weren't ready for anything serious, would a FWB arrangement with that girl completely destroy any chance she'd ever have at being in a serious relationship with you in the future? I know the general consensus on this sort of thing but I wonder what guys REALLY think about girls who engage in casual sex, especially following a more traditional relationship with the same guy.

[MetaphorDavis]

My question is more of a general one, and mostly for the guys on this site...given this situation, once you've dated a girl very briefly, and for the sake of argument let's say it was truthfully because you weren't ready for anything serious, would a FWB arrangement with that girl completely destroy any chance she'd ever have at being in a serious relationship with you in the future?

 

Yes. You can however rezero the relationship by asking him to hang out and then rebuffing him. He can be taught to be your BF, its more difficult if you were a FWB, but it can be done.

[lavenderdove]

what i think you need to pay attention to is him saying he is not having much luck dating and then asking for sex... so in essence, he is saying you aren't good enough to date either, but he'll take the sex if you'll offer it since he hasn't found someone he likes enough to be his girlfriend (you included).

 

he's single, and no reason he can't ask you on regular dates if what he wanted is to date you. it sounds more like he's already decided you're not 'girlfriend material' for whatever reason, and he's still looking for that, but will take the sex to tide him over.

 

I wouldn't do it if what you want is to date him. I'd ask him if he'd consider dating again rather than just FWB. If he says yes, he's OK to date then great, but if he says all he wants is FWB, i'd pass on that and keep looking for a guy who likes you well enough to date you, not just take free sex when offered.

[guynextdoor]

He's not having much luck dating so he wants to hit you up for a piece of azz? Seriously do you really want to be his booty call? Doesn't sound like you are over him, ditch the douche and find someone that does want a relationship.

[Brigadoon]

What she said.

And I've had FWB situations myself and either it was a case of me hanging in there hoping for more or else it was them hoping that some "good loving" would change my mind. It didn't; and I didn't respect them for taking scraps.

Don't accept less than what you truly want; and in your case that's a relationship.

 

(and at least you know that although you aren't dating now; he's still sexually attracted to you which 'aint a bad start lol)

[Clive1967]

From this blokes perspective.

He hasn't found a rewarding relationship so he is looking back on the relationship he had with you with found memories, particularly the sex. Blokes remember the sex really well, particularly when they are not getting any.

The reference to it in his message was completely deliberate and manufactured in the hope that you were missing sex as much as him and would pop straight over to sort him out. Of course you called his bluff and he quickly back tracked with the 'it was only a joke' ploy. Nonesense.

You obviously have feelings for this guy but don't let them rule your head. The reasons you had for splitting up will still be there and even if you convince yourself most of the time everything is ok there will always be the moments of doubt. You should not have those moments in a fullfilling relationship.

Trust me, I know how hard it is to move on from someone you care for but if it is not 100% reflected, you are heading down an unfullfilling path. If it is too hard to just be friends then its best to have a clean break. Having made that decision you will probably suddenly see new possibilities opening up in front of you.

[TakingtheBlame]

Well, let me clarify something and see if it changes anyone's perspective. It doesn't sound as though he's dating to find a rewarding relationship right now. When he mentioned his bad luck at dating, his exact words were "I've been on a few dates but it's frustrating." I asked why and he answered "Girls just don't put out." In the meantime, he's been completely respectful to me and hung out with me just to talk, at least until now. Does this mean he's not yet ready for a serious relationship (considering it's been a little over a year since the ex-fiancee left him) but could consider me if he is ready in the future? Do things ever work that way?

[Brigadoon]

Well, let me clarify something and see if it changes anyone's perspective. It doesn't sound as though he's dating to find a rewarding relationship right now. When he mentioned his bad luck at dating, his exact words were "I've been on a few dates but it's frustrating." I asked why and he answered "Girls just don't put out." In the meantime, he's been completely respectful to me and hung out with me just to talk, at least until now. Does this mean he's not yet ready for a serious relationship (considering it's been a little over a year since the ex-fiancee left him) but could consider me if he is ready in the future? Do things ever work that way?

 

I don't think I've ever thought of someone being able to have the bolded parts together and have it actually make sense.

He's not being "respectful", he's being honest; in saying that the reason he's there is because all the other girls wouldn't give him what he wanted so he's gonna swing by you and see what you say. And he doesn't even have to go to the trouble/expense of taking you on dates!

When a guy really feels something for you he can't wait to take you out and show everyone that you belong to him. Not get into some ambiguous FWB situation whereby you're actually free to meet someone else and toddle off into the sunset.

I'm sorry. This sucks. I know because I let one of my exes get away with it on and off for two years. It was only when I finally said enough that I met my last ex, who couldn't wait to show the world that I belonged to him and who treated me better than I had ever experienced before. And if I hadn't shaken off the last guy I would literally never have met him.

[FreedomRing]

This^^^^. Don't be naive. What would your advice be if it was your sister in this same situation? Recognize your worth and don't settle for less.

[Go Habs Go]

It usually doesn't end well. You're going to be nothing more than a booty call with this dude. Find someone that wants a relationship.

[capilot]

Did it with an ex for a while. We'd broken up on good terms and wound up in a FWB relationship for several months. It worked out very well and we're still good friends.

 

Don't do it if either of you secretly wants more. Otherwise, exes make the best FWBs because they already know how to please you and don't need to be taught.

[andromeda99]

What would your advice be if it was your sister in this same situation? Recognize your worth and don't settle for less.

 

Good question. I agree with this.

[lavenderdove]

Of course anything can happen, good or bad, in any relationship, so there is no way to predict the outcome.

 

BUT i think if the reason you are doing this is because you hope for a real dating relationship, then you are going to get more and more attached to him, and resent it and be depressed whenever he does things that show you it's just a booty call and not a relationship (i.e., only see you now and again, talk about some new woman he met and might date, talk about his dates with other women, talk about how he still wants his ex).

 

So if you want the possibility of a future with him, you're better off just being friends (no sex) until he either decides from seeing you he really wants to date you, or you discover he really is never going to do that. But i wouldn't waste your time waiting around for him. Keep dating other people who are showing you they really want to be with you, not just really want sex but DON'T want to be with you otherwise.

[TakingtheBlame]

This thread, once again, highlights my near-obsessive need to know whether he doesn't want to date me because he just doesn't see me as girlfriend material or whether he isn't ready to commit to anyone due to ex-issues. I seem to have a very hard time focusing on what I want and feel, and often have the strongest feelings about why the other person feels the way he does and how I can best go about riding that out and ending up in the situation I want with him. A terrible habit, I know, and I wish I knew how to get out of it. I appreciate that most of you have answered my OP focusing on the correct aspect of my problem, namely, what do I want out of a relationship right now, and not trying to divine the future or read any particular guy's mind. Back to the drawing board, I suppose!

[Batya33]

I trained myself not to analyze the "why" and i love to analyze the "why" - made it far more simple for me - if he wasn't interested in dating me then who cares why - I assumed it was because we didn't click,and I got over the ego bruise ASAP so I could open myself up to other opportunities. I never was involved in casual sex but I can relate to wanting to know why someone didn't see me as relationship material.

[TakingtheBlame]

Yes analyzing the "why" is a very difficult habit to break! I saw a therapist for a few months late last year after this break-up because it was one in a long line of break-ups after which I was practically immobilized in the rest of my life, overwhelmed by the rejection and the questions and the feelings of diminished self worth. But I had to stop the sessions due to financial/academic concerns and I never really got a chance to address my obsession with the "why" wholeheartedly again. I've had very little luck training myself to focus inwardly in the past, so perhaps I will seek professional help again when things in my life straighten out.

[Brigadoon]

To all intents and purposes it doesn't matter why; if he's not giving you what you have made clear to him that you want then the only thing that you can do is remove yourself from the situation and effectively go NC.

When you meet someone with whom you would like to have a relationship the most important consideration is whether they make you happy and for whatever reason this guy doesn't.

I did this with an ex who treated me this way; and he never stopped trying to contact me while I was in a new relationship and when that ended and I continued to refuse to go back to FWB he asked me if I would give our relationship another chance and showed me that he really was serious and not just trying to score. So really you need to look after you and constantly torturing yourself with the "whys" of it is not looking after you.

I'm sorry that you've been disappointed like this but I promise you that one day you won't even care, if you even remember him by that point.

[LoveSoDeep]

TtB -

 

If you have feelings for him...then no this cannot end well.

 

FWB only works when BOTH parties want nothing more then an occasional roll in the hay. It sounds like this is what he wants but you want more so save yourself the pain and don't go there.

[Dewboy]

TtB -

 

If you have feelings for him...then no this cannot end well.

 

FWB only works when BOTH parties want nothing more then an occasional roll in the hay. It sounds like this is what he wants but you want more so save yourself the pain and don't go there.

 

 

Bingo!!! could not sum it up better myself.

[Puddincup]

Bingo!!! could not sum it up better myself.

 

I agree with this too.

[Blue Spiral]

It's ended well for me--but, in most cases, the F part of FWB has ended up developing feelings for me. That's sometimes been problematic, but usually not. There's a difference between caring about someone and actually loving them.