Wife has no sex drive,help!

[KTO]

Hi, this is my first post so i hope i get it right.I guess like alot of couples we have a sex problem.But it seems like im the one with the problem.I have a strong sex drive(typical male right?).my wife does not seem to have any interset in sex.Maybe two times a year she comes to me for sex,the rest of the time im trying to have sex with her.But when she wants it she has to have it and i better be willing.We make love about two or three times a month with me being the one who initiates,even when i try i get excuesses or she says thats all im interested in.I end up feeling rejected and depressed.When i try to tell her my feeling and desires she ends up getting angry and i end up stuffing my feelings.Then some days when she asks me whats wrong i dont want to tell her or fear telling her so we dont fight.I feel like she is a selfish lover.I have needs too, i try to forfill hers but its like mine dont matter.I have been trying to tell her my feelings for six years but she does nothing about. Unlike a lot of guys I am very sensative and emotional man,my downfall i guess.I love and desire my wife,she is in so many ways the most wonderful person i ever met.And she is a wonderful mother.I thought marriage would be different.I thought we are suppose to make sacrafices and do things to make each other happy even if we dont want to.If we love each other we should do anything for each other.I feel my needs emotionally and physically are being ignored.We have been married for a year and lived togather for six and have a son who is six. Any advice would be helpful.Thanks

[Gilgamesh]

Hello

 

Low sex drive can be atributed to many factors, it could be physical, mental or emotional.

 

Although I dont agree that marriage has to be a sacrifice, I do agree that she should try and find out whats wrong.

 

Sex 2-4 times a month is pretty low in my book, and most of all, with a partner that doesnt really want to do it but feels its more like a chore. this must be very frustrating for you. specially when you love your wife so much.

 

I assume she is young under 40, women usually have high sex drives in there thirties. and are real comfortable with it.

 

Beside the obvious, trying to be more romantic, and maybe going on a vacation together somewhere to try and spark the passions you once must have shared, Id have to recommend you see a marriage counseler, its probably not going to get much better between you unless you get outside help.

 

You both need to be happy or something is going to give.

[Mischivo]

I'm a firm believer that you must be comfortable discussing such matters with someone you're so close to. If she has less sex drive than you, and you want sex, tell her! Tell her how you feel, tell her that you have needs. Explain to her that you want to MAKE LOVE to her more often. It's not about sex this and sex that. Tell her that if you were with her just for sex, you'd be long gone (any idiot could realize that).

 

This is a note to anyone who has a low sexdrive and a partner with a high sex drive:

JUST DO IT! Have sex with them, holy crap, it's not that big of a deal. Give him or her a damn orgasm and make them happy. It only takes 5 minutes. 5 mintues a day, or every few days isn't going to intrude on your soap schedule!!!

[tomnharry]

reading your posting was like I wrote it myself ! ... I am married 6 years, my wife is the whole world to me, but I have a high sex drive and she has apparently got none. She used too ! .. but I dont know whats happened. It has been like this for a few years now, but finally the other day I told her I couldnt take this anymore, that we needed to face this. I have moved out of our bedroom until we make new ground. I have no idea what that new ground will be and neither does my wife. She says she still loves me, wants to be with me and is not considering breaking up. She says she doesnt know how she feels about the sex and she feels the problem is with her. It is really strange at the moment, its been 2 days since I moved out of out room. We have been going about our normal lives and are still very close etc, but I cant pretend that this feels normal or good. It doesnt, its awful. I just want to be with her, in every way. All the bleeding hearts will tell you that love and sex are one, this is true, but sex for the sake of sex is also healthy, especially with the person you love. What confuses me is that if sex and love are the same, then does my wife not love me ? ... According to her, she is madly in love with me, and we have a great life, and an amazing little kid. From the outside we are one of those couples that people are always looking at and thinking how lucky we are. I wish I could give you some solid advice ! .. but im struggling myslef ! ... All I do know, is that as hard as this is, at least we are now trying to face this in the open and come to a solution.

In the dream world that would mean we end up thumping like bunny rabbits, but probably ill end up doing more housework and being sensitive. (that was sarcasm before anyone gets p'd off).

If you get any inspiration, id love to hear it ! good luck.

[Texas48]

Been married for 25 years so I'm in the same boat. I think alot of it comes from the fact that they know they can have sex anytime they want it, thereforeeeeeee they dont have a desire for it. When I was a kid one of my dreams was to grow up so I would have money to buy an icecream cone ANYTIME I wanted one. After I was old enough to have an ice cream anytime I wanted it, the desire was gone and I didnt want one very often.

Women think if they "give it up" once a month you should be grateful to them. If you leave her, she will lose weight, fix herself up, and start banging the next guy she gets interested in. Giving him all the sex he wants. It never fails.

 

Texas48

[antney]

I share your pain fella's.

 

I have a question for you. "How many times a week WOULD you make love to your wife *IF* you had the chance too?" I said 7 and my wife freaked out.

 

My wife is a beautiful, intelligent woman and I lust for her daily. I can't supress my feelings for WANTING her each and every day. I am so desperate to see her that I make up any excuse I can to come into the bathroom while she is showering --- just to sneek a peek. I have always blindly assumed that every woman in the world would want to be married to a man to craves them 24/7, but I'm finding that it's just not so and it disappoints me.

 

She has four sisters and two of them (herself included) have become frigid as hell over the past few years. They can literally go months without having sex -- it has no impact on them. They complain that my brother-in-law and I are just sex crazed and that they couldn't satisfy us if they tried. Is more than 2x a month unrealistic for young married couples? My wife cites numerous examples from Oprah and Cosmo that lovemaking is more important to men than women and that he lack of desire is not only normal, but acceptable. I say BS!

 

I am in my mid-30's and am married to my high school sweetheart for the past 13 years. We have two wonderful kids and a great life (in my opinion). I am self employed and work out of my house. My wife quit her job six years ago to raise our kids. Before the kids, we used to have a great love life and the sex was pretty regular. Six years later, my wife has become dis-interested in sex indicating that after taking care of the kids, she's got nothing left at the end of the day. Our kids don't go to sleep until 9:30-10pm and my three year son (mama's boy) sleeps between us EVERY night.

 

I initiated this very discussion with my wife the other night (after I bolied over AGAIN), and it led to some interesting findings not previously disclosed in past communications with her. For starters, she said that she "smells" (down there) the next day after we make love. Anyone ever heard that one before? We both shower daily (sometimes twice), but she said that one reason she avoids/delays sex is if she knows that she has to "be somewhere the next day" and that she doesn't want people to "smell her". At first I thought she was kidding. I am going to ask the doctor about that one because this one came from left field. Looking back on our "sex schedule", most of it coincides with the start of her period. I think I've become conditioned to initiating it around that time because I know my chances are pretty good and she seems to be more receptive (ie: not falling asleep before the 10pm news). The other night she said "there are times when I want to just spoon and hold you, but I don't because I'm afraid it won't be enough for you, so I go to sleep instead".

 

She resents that fact that I can fall asleep within 30-45 minutes, but it has the reverse affect on her by keeping her up for 1-2 hours afterwards. And while she never turns my advances down, I sure do hear about "how tired it makes her the next day" or "how lovemaking brings on a migrane the next day". It makes me feel like I "took advantage" of my wife and am making her miserable. Is that weird? Does anyone else share these feelings?

 

Although I would never cheat on my wife or condone those that do, I certainly understand why some men stray. Women push their husbands away and after a few years it get's old. Everyone needs to feel wanted or desired by someone. Lack of sex with the person you love puts me (and I assume other men) in a very bad mood and I'm not a moody person. During this intense frustration period, I must admit that the family life suffers until I am granted sex from my wife. I don't think I need mental help for the mood swings. What I need is a doctor to write a RX for more sex.

 

I'm a pretty confident person (not cocky, but I know who I am and I like what I've become), but I gotta tell you, after the most recent sex talk with my wife the other night, I am feeling like shit. I don't even want to be in the same bed with her (and my son) anymore. I'm pissed and afraid about what the future may hold. Sex is not the most important thing in the world, but I feel that it's pretty damn important in a marriage. In some ways it's the glue that keeps the family together and mom and dad on loving terms more often. The old saying goes..."If mama ain't happy, we ain't happy" --- but the reverse is most certainly true as well.

 

Sorry for the ramble, but thanks for letting me vent. I appreciated reading your posts. In some strange way, I take comfort in your stories knowing that I am not some sex-craved man, just a man who loves his wife and wants to "bring back that loving feeling" in my house. For now, it's off to the other room for another lonely night.

 

Peace. Out.

...antney

[Getting On With It]

Whilst no expert, and unable to offer any solutions, I might be able to shed some light, some of which may even be useful for improving the lives of you guys, who have loving and understanding, but unwilling, partners...

 

I've been reading some interesting things on this post - like "love and sex are one", and "sacrifice" and "just do it". Yurk. So, all the replies are from blokes, then. Here's something for you...

 

Women do not think like that -- well, most don't anyway. They see sex as more than just a physical act, or they have been brought up to see it as "dirty", or they are concerned that it's the only thing their partner is interested in. There is a huge psychological thing associated with the subject, and it's a real pig to deal with. I know one who -- literally -- sees her genitals as a parasite, and they spends her life struggling to stay in control: she even says "Oi, don't wake the parasite" whenever there's a chance it might happen. Should sound familiar, even if the words are not the same!

 

There's so much to this area, and I've not the time to address it properly, and am already looking like I'm preaching, so I will get to an oversimplified point:

 

Different people require different stimulus to feel loved: some people are visual, others audial, and the remainder respond to touch. For the most part, women tend to be auditory -- you need to tell them you love them, or they don't believe it; the majority of men are physical -- and for them, sex is a key element of feeling loved... when these men don't get it, they feel rejected.

 

The upshot is that, whilst some people just have incompatible libedos, a lot of relationship problems come down to understanding. Having taken the time to discuss what makes you feel loved with your partner, but even more importantly, taken the time to listen to her tell you what is important to her (note: this is vital -- don't skip listening to her here) things start to become easier. Demonstrate your love for her by displaying it on her terms: press her feelgood buttons -- that explicitly excludes the sexual ones. You're point here is, it's about making her feel loved and wanted. Take the pressure off, make her feel wanted, and give her the opportunity to do the same for you: if she makes the conversion from seeing it as 'sex' (which is dirty, inconvenient, whatever) to 'making love' then you'll live happy ever after.

 

Of course, if, in the course of your frank discussions, you discover the real problem relates not to understanding, but your lack of sexual technique, don't be offended!

 

Massively oversimplified lecture over.

[damous]

Like some others here, I totally feel as though I wrote this myself.

 

I too have been married six years to a woman that I am very much still in love with. We have two children, ages 4 and 2 1/2. After our first was born, the libido went to nothing on her part. She didn't used to be that way and our sex life prior to kids was good if not great. Now, we have sex 2-4 times a month and the last time she initiated sex was two years ago. We get into arguments over her lack of interest and she keeps coming up with excuses after excuse to rationalize why her libido is gone. The worst part of all of this is the "mercy" or "chore" sex where even if she's into it...it just seems as though she's trying to just "keep me satisfied".

 

I love this woman immensely and she loves me too. I cannot cheat on her and am trying desperately to find other solutions. A few things that I can tell you guys:

 

- breast feeding can lessen libido

 

- oral contraceptives (ie, the "pill") can lessen libido.

 

-it's important to distinguish lack of desire (ability to get "in the mood") from the lack of "arousal" (ability to have a response once the sex has started...such as lubricating, excitement, etc).

 

-it's important to rule out depression or medical problems such as hypothyroidism which can be common after kids.

 

Right now, I have started to take anti-depressant medication I am so depressed over this. I can tell you that the more I try to get her to discuss this, the worse it gets. I don't know if sleeping in separate beds will help (it's a thought) but it might just make her see you as more selfish. I am right here with all of you guys. I am making her give up the pill, hoping that this will help. I figure that sex with a condom is better than no sex at all.

 

I don't know what else to do but I can't leave her or my kids. It made my day to see that I am not alone.

[jets]

I have been married for 5 years. We have two young childred. Our marriage has been sexless for the last 4 years. May be 20 times in the last 3-4 years. And I am 28 years old. My wife is ice cold when it comes to sex. I got tired of making advances and getting rejected about 2 years ago. I have just given up. Life is just miserable. I had so many expectation while growing up. Now Im getting heavy, and just going through the motions of life. I think that I would cheat if the opputurnity arose. I'm glad that I'm not the only one out there.

[mookle]

Reading all this has filled me with great sympathy for the guys involved.

 

Most of you guys who have written are married, and constrained by having "responsibilities", such as children and joint mortgages. I am not, and don't have those burdens, but am in a serious relationship (the most serious I've ever had, although it's only been going for seven months), which is starting to make me unhappy for the same reasons as most people here have mentioned - lack of sex. I would prefer 4 or 5 times a week; I think my partner would struggle just to do it once at the moment. She is not as physical (or as sensitive!) as me, but in the space of a month it seems to have subsided. I love intimacy, romance (!), hugging and touching also, probably even more than sex, but that seems to have declined too. When confronted with my feelings, she did say that she definitely loved her, and she just wasn't as "touch, feely". I can't help feeling rejected and unwanted. My love making skills are okay, in case you were wondering.

 

I am supposed to be moving in with her in early August. At the moment I'm only seeing her for 3 or 4 days every other week, and we've been worrying about jobs and money...its just I don't want to end up years down the track with a woman whom I love but can hardly bear to touch me. Perhaps I'm worrying too much, and maybe it's just a temporary lull. But I don't see the point in becoming miserable. It's not fair on everybody concerned.

 

I'd love some advice! Will things get better when I move in? Should I continue the relationship, or save myself from future trouble? (am sounding very shallow now!) I just don't know what to think, or what's the best way to decide. Aaaaaargh! It's (well, I am) doing my head in. Any thoughts pleeeeeease??

[Getting On With It]

mookle,

 

I can tell you from experience that moving in will not improve it -- in fact, apart from a potential "new situation honeymoon" it is likely to make things worse.

 

The bottom line is, you need to sit down with her and get to the root of what it is all about. Are there money pressures? Is she always too tired? Is there a self-image problem? Or is it just that you have differing libidos? Unless you can resolve the underlying issue, whatever it is, then you can't expect things to change.

 

Of course, you might have to address the worst case situation: what if the problem is something that you can't help to resolve -- for example, you just have different sex drives. For that, all I can suggest is, imagine being 60+ years old together... sex won't be part of the relationship by then. That might give you some insight into your priorities, but it won't address the obvious shortcoming in your intervening years...

[ctigerx4]

Well here is a topic i can relate to, from the womans perspective. I have dealt with a low sex drive for as long as i can remember. kinda like spurts , sometimes i always want it and then times i don't . I just got remaried. and the whole wk of our honey moon, we made love twice. since the honey moom we have made love 2 times a day. The only thing i know that couses me to not be in the mood is the repitition of out sex life. If everytime we make love it is the same way same style or possitions. i don't want what i can imagine in my head and then it is like why bother with the mess after.

But if i can't imagine what this time will be like the excitement of the unknown really turns me on.

Maybe you and your wife have hit a stale road in your sex life and she needs new and creative ways to become excited. think back to when you first got together, and try to relive some of those moments.

Or talk to her about new and adventure different places, for example next time you are out alone together. take a detour to the country, and pull off on the road and anitiate it right then and there. you never know. as far as getting cought. don't worry. could you imagine sitting in a cell and telling someone "what are you in for" and you say " oh my wife and i were makeing love on a bill board " or something like that? I don't think so. the person who would catch you would probably be more imbarrased than you. lol

Speaking from expirience. not cought yet. but sure fun trying.

[MarriedButDejected]

I am 33 years old...and have been married for 11 years now. My wife didnt have a high sex drive when I met her. But after 11 years...and 4 kids....her sex drive is all but gone. I admit that I have not been the best of husbands...I have had affairs....but we have tried to work through them. I believe that she still has issues...and when a relationship has issues....I guess women...loose certain things.

 

I have discuss with her on numerous occasions the problems...and each time...she admits that she still has issues with what I did...but she also says...she knows part of it is her....and she promises she will try to do better. After a few monthes of no real headway...I become aggrevated again.

 

My wife....will not instigate anytype of sex with me. On the rare occasions she does...try to...which seems to only be when she thinks I am mad over it...all she does is roll over and say..."do you wanna???" I dont know about the rest of you men....but that does nothing for me. In the words of women everwhere....we want to feel wanted...and desired....we want to know you think of us in that light....if you dont make us feel that way....we think...you dont. And to men...just like women..if we dont feel desired...or we dont feel that we turn you on....We dont feel like a person.

 

I wish there was a easy answer to this problem...but I guess....there isnt....if anybody has more advice..please let us know

[srarobert]

well well, thank god i am not he only one. My wife and i have been married a year and a half with a 4 month old son. we have sex about 2 1/2 times a month. i say a half because some times she makes me stop. its not because we have a son because we barely had sex before, and she recently told me that she has never really wanted to have sex. thats kinda a shity thing to here when sex is supposed to be a way to express your love for one another. I am 22 and she is 19 were at an age where sex should be exciting and often but apperantly not. i haave recently convinced her to see a doctor on the matter to see if its something wrong on the inside but if that turns out neg. I dont know what to do. I would never cheat on her in my life but a man defenently needs sex. I sometimes get so mad i tell her i will cheat but she just tells me"well do what what youve gotta do", now what the hells that supposed to mean?

 

I am in the air force and post out for 5 days and come home for five days and its like i never left when i get home no hug no kiss no i missed you so much nothing. i am beggening to feel like i am not even there and it sucks i know i am whinning but hell she never listens. if anyone can help on this matter feel free to let us all know there seems to be alot of problems but not many solutions. Shes my life and I will not let this ruin our life together.

[artoferos]

I am surprised with all this school boyish talk of low sex drive at such and such age and circumstances.

 

Those are just stereotype prejudices and has nothing to do with facts.

 

Consider the difference betwen a new car and an old car. You got to keep the old car more lubricated and better maintained - right.

 

So all we need to do is understand the physiology of men and women and the impact it has on their mind.

 

Women take longer to respond, longer to reach orgasm and have disimilar responses to similar stimuli.

 

Man has similar responses to similar stimuli and ejaculates in far less time.

 

In a relationship as time goes by - the woman has had liitle response to sex because the man has already done his job, before she is ready. All she is left to do is get up and wash.

 

No guys this won't do. Don't blame her for what you are primarily responsible for.

 

Take responsibility and let her come first. There is more, but this is getting too long.

[Mar]

Okay, I'm going to somewhat reiterate my very first post on here, since I haven't heard it yet. I'm a 29-year old female, with a 34-year old fiance. HE has no sex drive. None. We've had sex once in the last 1 3/4 years. I've discussed it with him, tried different sexual stimulants, tried seducing him, all to no avail. He's just simply NOT interested. He loves me, I have no question of this, but he says he has a chemical imbalance which causes his sex drive to be very low. My thought is that, if we had sex, even infrequently, as we did when we first met, why the problem now? I've suggested doctors, medicine (Viagra, of course) etc., and he won't take me up on ANYTHING I suggest. I'm not oversexed, merely doubting the wisdom of marrying someone who can't really show affection and can't or won't improve our sex life. I love sex, it's a wonderful experience that I feel brings a couple closer together......he thinks that as long as the basic love is there, that's enough. Grrr. I disagree.

[Gilgamesh]

It really does sound like a serious problem you have there Mar.

 

Low sex drive can be caused by 2 things, "plumbing problems" where he has desire but things arent responding, this usually gets fixed pretty good with Viagra.

 

If its psychological in nature, then he just doesnt get the desire, even if everything physical is operating properly.

 

There is one thing that can affect both those things at the same time, and thats low Testosterone levels. If this is low, it can have drastic effect on sex drive and function.

 

I would recommend he get a blood test for testosterone, replacement therepy is not that expensive.

 

As for all the others that posted, If Sex is important to you, if you feel its something you desire in your relationship, you should talk it out with your partner, tell them its important to you, explain how you feel, ask them to get help etc. there is no reason to live your life frustrated, you have the right to be happy, and feel fulfilled.

[Big_Heavy_Sigh]

Wow it was starting to feel like I was the only guy this ever happened to. My wife and I are in our very early 30's and had a wonderfull Sex life for nearly a year after marriage. Then all of a sudden...*BAM* it was gone. I mean we went from making Porn (her idea) to nothing almost over night. At first it droped from twice a day to 3 times a week. Berfore I had noticed it went to one time a week. Then just once a month. Last year it was a special occasion thing. You know like on my Birth Day...then once over Christmass vaction (2.5 weeks on the beach in South Fla) The last time we had sex was in March (didn't even get it on my B-day this year). I have tried to start things up in the bedroom, but receive one reason or another for her lack of sex drive. About 4 months ago she talked to her OBGYN about it and was told hormone replacement was not covered via insurance and that the cost was to great to even think about.

 

 

 

My wife tries on several occasions to get "In The Mood" but nothing seems to work. She always seems to be too tired for sex..but will be more than willing to sit up all night long watching a movie or reading a book. I have planned weekends so grandma will watch our son and I can spend a romantic evening with my wife. (you guessed it) nothing seems to work, 9:00 pm comes around and she falls asleep before her head hits the pillow.

 

 

 

She has gained weight over the past year or so and I think it plays a big part in the way she sees her self. I tell her she is beautifull and very sexy all the time. Perhaps she thinks I am just being a "Good Husband" by saying that. Maybe she forgot that she was bigger than she is now when I fell in Love with her. Our Family doctor has put her on Anti Depressants.

 

 

 

I hope something works soon. I am tired of always talking about making things better and nothing working. Our talks always end in 'me feeling more guilty than helping anything". I don't want to leave her...but I hate live this way.

[Rock Grisham]

I think it boils down to the fact that if a woman actually enjoys sex, she would want it all the time. And for God knows how many reasons, many women don't have as much enjoyment, (and thereby interest) as men. Do yourself a favor, check out this site-----link removed.

I did and my wife has thanked me ever since!! Good luck.