MsDexter Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I know people say well it depends ... But say you don't keep in contact and you know it's over for good in the long run. You have no idea what they are doing, and you know for sure that there is no going back. In your own experience how long did it take? Were you felt like "I am happy I have seen some people on here saying they still sad after months and months and I am so afraid Link to comment
thissuckss Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I definetly would like to hear this myself. In my passed experiences if there was another girl for me I would be just fine, but I dont know what its like to be happy on my own and im scared to death. Link to comment
moving Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 In my limited experience? One year is how long it takes me to stop feeling sad. Not that I'm completely depressed and "pining" for that entire time, but one year seems to be long enough to: (1) accept that things are really, truly over and there's no going back (2) simply get tired of having unrequited feelings and/or (3) meet someone to date who at least seems *interesting*, whether or not it ultimately becomes a full-fledged relationship. And yes, both times I've had to go through this, there literally has just come a time when I've thought, "Wow, I'm happy again. Cool!" This second time - even though there is someone new I'm interested in (we're "hanging out," but nothing's official yet) - the fact that I'm feeling happy again is completely internal. It's not based on anyone new. It's that MY life is full and exciting, filled with possibilities and good people - and after a not so heart-to-heart esque conversation this week with my ex, I've understood the fact that he never was (and can never be) the things I wished for from him, and would want from anyone else new. So being sad over the same old hurt just really seems like a waste of energy. As my therapist put it, "I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired" - so now I choose not to be those things. Link to comment
MsDexter Posted June 23, 2010 Author Share Posted June 23, 2010 In my limited experience? One year is how long it takes me to stop feeling sad. Not that I'm completely depressed and "pining" for that entire time, but one year seems to be long enough to: (1) accept that things are really, truly over and there's no going back (2) simply get tired of having unrequited feelings and/or (3) meet someone to date who at least seems *interesting*, whether or not it ultimately becomes a full-fledged relationship. And yes, both times I've had to go through this, there literally has just come a time when I've thought, "Wow, I'm happy again. Cool!" Thank you, oh OK well I have accepted that the things are truly over and there is no going back so I will be working on 2 & 3. Link to comment
Live-N-Learn Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 It really depends how much contact and what type of contact you have post breakup. If you stay in contact it will take much longer. If you go NC then it depends how long your were together and on your ability to let go and accept it is over. My ex and I have been broken up for 5 months. We pseudo dated for 3 months post breakup and I made no progress. Matter of fact I was worse off than when we first broke up. I went NC 9 weeks ago and am in a much better place and believe I will be fully over it within 6 months of NC. Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 I dont know, but I'd be interested to hear this too. After 8 months I still come onto this forum a lot and see that almost all the people who were broken up with arond the same time have stopped posting here. I guess that doesnt mean they are necessarily over it, but they have moved on enough. I just feel stuck. I know i shouldnt compare myself to other people, but I dont know why it is so hard for me to move on. Link to comment
MsDexter Posted June 23, 2010 Author Share Posted June 23, 2010 Thanks Live-N-Learn No contact at all I have his e-mail stuck in my head lol but I will not send anything I refuse to we were together for 3 years which is why this is probably really hard. I deleted his number everywhere I had it I am so glad I never bothered to remember it lol. I have deleted him off MSN & Facebook. I have no idea what he is up to or really intend to find out. So do you think all of this will help me get over it quicker? Link to comment
MsDexter Posted June 23, 2010 Author Share Posted June 23, 2010 I dont know, but I'd be interested to hear this too. After 8 months I still come onto this forum a lot and see that almost all the people who were broken up with arond the same time have stopped posting here. I guess that doesnt mean they are necessarily over it, but they have moved on enough. I just feel stuck. I know i shouldnt compare myself to other people, but I dont know why it is so hard for me to move on. Well I think it's nice to come and help others even if we do move on maybe you are not stuck but just nice Link to comment
peanutbutterandjelly Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Well I think it's nice to come and help others even if we do move on maybe you are not stuck but just nice i wish that were the case, but i find myself asking for a lot more advice around here than recieving it. And as much as I want to be, I'm not over my ex. I just am slowly pushing forward because theres nothing else i can even do. Link to comment
MsDexter Posted June 23, 2010 Author Share Posted June 23, 2010 i wish that were the case, but i find myself asking for a lot more advice around here than recieving it. And as much as I want to be, I'm not over my ex. I just am slowly pushing forward because theres nothing else i can even do. Hmmm ... that is exactly what I am afraid of :sad: Link to comment
Live-N-Learn Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Thanks Live-N-Learn No contact at all I have his e-mail stuck in my head lol but I will not send anything I refuse to we were together for 3 years which is why this is probably really hard. I deleted his number everywhere I had it I am so glad I never bothered to remember it lol. I have deleted him off MSN & Facebook. I have no idea what he is up to or really intend to find out. So do you think all of this will help me get over it quicker? Yes...That is why NC is suggested so many times on this site. Not having the ability to know what your ex is up to is the only way they can no longer add to your pain. Every update or contact with them only sets you back. The fastest way to healing and moving on is NC. I know it's hard but what choice do you really have? Stay in contact with someone that does not want you back and continue to feel the pain? That is not an option any of us will benefit from. Remember, the sooner you let go and move on the sooner you can get to a place where you will be available for the next relationship with someone who wants to be with you. Link to comment
MsDexter Posted June 23, 2010 Author Share Posted June 23, 2010 Good advice. What I am stuck on is he said it's not what "he wants" it's what God wants being with me is something he wants apparently but God told him it's not right lol so ... I am so like confused & angry. Link to comment
moyno85 Posted June 23, 2010 Share Posted June 23, 2010 Ok I'm going to scare you I broke up with my ex a year and 3 months ago. I stayed in contact that entire time - I can honestly say that year has been the second-most excruciating experience of my life. (Seeing my cousin die #1) It has been nothing short of chest-numbing agony almost the entire time - the only time I ever felt better was after 43 days no contact, didn't feel amazing but definitely felt WAY better and could see a future without her. I'm currently 33 days NC this time and feeling pretty good. In all honesty, I think you only ever start to feel better once you cut it. Boom. CHARACTER BUILDING PEOPLE! haha whatevs. Nah emotional pain, its good for you. Seriously! Link to comment
moving Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 I stayed in contact that entire time - I can honestly say that year has been the second-most excruciating experience of my life. (Seeing my cousin die #1) It has been nothing short of chest-numbing agony almost the entire time - the only time I ever felt better was after 43 days no contact, didn't feel amazing but definitely felt WAY better and could see a future without her. Wow, that sounds incredibly intense. I had a different experience staying in touch with my ex - after two months NC, we reconnected. It was really painful at first, but to be honest, it got better month after month, until (9-11 months into it), I could just see him or talk to him and feel happy about it, not really worry when we were going to see each other next, and just get on with the rest of my life. There really have only been two experiences that threw me really badly. The first was inviting him to my birthday party. I found it was much more painful (because it felt much more couplish) to hang out with him WITH my other friends, rather than one on one. The second was hearing him start to talk about dating again. Those two experiences caused the hurt to flare to searing again, and the second one is what brought me onto this site. It was a matter of - either the hurt was going to subside, or I was going to go NC and never look back. To be honest, it's subsided again, so I'm not planning to do any explicit cutting of ties, especially since I'm about to move soon. I'd say that what the experience has taught me, though, is that staying in touch with an ex after being dumped is signing up for (at best) months and months of low-level, background pain. At this point, I feel that I'm through the worst of it, and am okay not to go NC -- but I wouldn't choose to go through this again. Next time I get dumped (may that day never come...), I'm going NC, cold turkey, and going on a hunt for new friends rather than insisting that my friendship with my ex is SO SPECIAL that it must be preserved no matter what the emotional cost. Link to comment
MsDexter Posted June 24, 2010 Author Share Posted June 24, 2010 Ok I'm going to scare you I broke up with my ex a year and 3 months ago. I stayed in contact that entire time - I can honestly say that year has been the second-most excruciating experience of my life. (Seeing my cousin die #1) It has been nothing short of chest-numbing agony almost the entire time - the only time I ever felt better was after 43 days no contact, didn't feel amazing but definitely felt WAY better and could see a future without her. I'm currently 33 days NC this time and feeling pretty good. In all honesty, I think you only ever start to feel better once you cut it. Boom. CHARACTER BUILDING PEOPLE! haha whatevs. Nah emotional pain, its good for you. Seriously! Oh OK sorry about you cousin may they rest in peace! But see it doesn't scare me that much as I cut the contact straight away so maybe I won't be as stuck ](*,) Link to comment
MsDexter Posted June 24, 2010 Author Share Posted June 24, 2010 Next time I get dumped (may that day never come...), I'm going NC, cold turkey, and going on a hunt for new friends rather than insisting that my friendship with my ex is SO SPECIAL that it must be preserved no matter what the emotional cost. See I did that already so I am hoping I won't be miserable few years down the line. Link to comment
cho Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 I wish I would stop thinking about my ex- we only dated for less than 3 months and it's been almost 4 months since we broke up and I still think about him everyday. Luckily I'm mostly in NC with a couple of texts initiated by him but nothing major (I never responded to the last one). I'm not really in pain anymore, but I still think about him A LOT. and it was such a short relationship! UGH! ](*,) Link to comment
45caliberlove Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 I wish I would stop thinking about my ex- we only dated for less than 3 months and it's been almost 4 months since we broke up and I still think about him everyday. Luckily I'm mostly in NC with a couple of texts initiated by him but nothing major (I never responded to the last one). I'm not really in pain anymore, but I still think about him A LOT. and it was such a short relationship! UGH! ](*,) cho, don't feel bad about this, i was only "with" my ex for about four months. and we were only together for about two. it was after two months that she decided to tell me she didn't want a boyfriend anymore because she felt like it was too much pressure to put a label on us. however, she still wanted to see me all of the time like we were still dating. i spent two months in HELL, we were still intimate, but the relationship was gone. it has been almost two months since i decided to finally tell her i couldn't do it anymore. i STILL think about her almost all day everyday, and am constantly walking around with this terrible heartbroken/anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. also just found out on friday that she is seeing/talking to another guy and they have talked about moving in together. this has been the hardest week ever for me... Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 He told me that this is a loss and can be treated in the same way as a bereavement. He told me that the time frame in which people get over bereavement is 6 months. I copied and pasted the above advice from my doctor from one of my threads. Hopefully it wont take that long for you. Link to comment
TurtleDove12 Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 He told me that this is a loss and can be treated in the same way as a bereavement. He told me that the time frame in which people get over bereavement is 6 months. I copied and pasted the above advice from my doctor from one of my threads. Hopefully it wont take that long for you. I like that video you presented earlier. The Dr. said about a year to fully get over the heartbreak of the milestones that the year has. 6-12 months. I can do that. Link to comment
moving Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 I wish I would stop thinking about my ex- we only dated for less than 3 months and it's been almost 4 months since we broke up and I still think about him everyday. Luckily I'm mostly in NC with a couple of texts initiated by him but nothing major (I never responded to the last one). I'm not really in pain anymore, but I still think about him A LOT. and it was such a short relationship! UGH! ](*,) The strength of your feelings is separate from how long the relationship was. A short, intense relationship can take surprisingly long to get over. Plus, your feelings are your own and you're entitled to them. When you're ready, gently try to replace your thoughts of him with other things or people that you like. But don't fault yourself for your own thoughts - I do this sometimes, and it can add another layer of unnecessary angst. Link to comment
MsDexter Posted June 24, 2010 Author Share Posted June 24, 2010 It makes sense the 6 months thing and you know no contact so far is doing me wonders I love how I don't know anything about him I do get curious but I know if I try and poke around it I will end up feeling worse so I am being strong and avoiding it Link to comment
pumpkinmoon Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 It makes sense the 6 months thing and you know no contact so far is doing me wonders I love how I don't know anything about him I do get curious but I know if I try and poke around it I will end up feeling worse so I am being strong and avoiding it There we go then... You are makin progress and you can even see it yourself Link to comment
jenna-is-here Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 6 mos to 12 mos my therapist told me. I am hoping it will b closer to the 6 mos for me to feel like my old self again and happy without him. Link to comment
cho Posted June 24, 2010 Share Posted June 24, 2010 45caliber: sorry to hear that, just try to hang in there.... moving: thanks for your words... it does add another layer of angst and it's very frustrating. I feel like I've plateau'ed with my healing and now all I do is think about him, wondering if he's ever gonna call me again even though I already know it's pointless to think about him or what might happen. It seriously consumes me... I don't even have much pain towards it. I think I'm just so disappointed it didn't work out or something... I dunno.. SIGH anyway - hope it's 6 months since the break up and not since the last contact hehe Link to comment
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