Was I really wrong here?

[rustyschackelf]

So basically today my fiance and I had a big fight because she had heard alot of information about the relationship me and my ex-gf had (who I dated right before here for about 4 months). We have talked about our ex's in the past but never in great detail, I personally feel like people in committed relationships shouldn't delve too deeply into the subject and should leave the past in the past. Well she called me and proceeded to ask me just about every question she could about the relationship, and made me explain it in great detail. I told her the truth about everything she wanted to know. She then said that she felt that I had purposefully hidden all of this from her and that she didn't like having to hear it from other people, which is not true, I honestly didn't know it was that important to her to know all of these details, she never asked and I just didn't think it was that prudent to talk to her about all of it. She also stated she felt as if my last relationship was more serious than I made it out to be, but I never made any claims as to how serious it was, whenever we had talked about it I just said it was a relationship, and a bad one at that. She then said that now she is having doubts about us and doesn't see me as quite the same person she did before because I didn't disclose all of this to her sooner, but she still wants to marry me and thinks she can get over this with some time.

Right now I don't know what to think, I honestly think I really haven't done anything that wrong here, had I known she wanted to know all of this stuff I would have told her, it wasn't like she asked and I lied, but I just didn't think it was that important because it is stuff that all happened before I knew her. I have never asked her details about her past because it just wasn't that important to me, I knew the broad strokes and I was content to leave it at that, I trusted that she had no skeletons in her closet and again I like to leave the past in the past and look toward the future. i will also say that I feel as if she is being a bit hypocritical (although I didn't tell her that) because during our conversations she started telling me details of her past that I never knew, one particular thing she said about her last relationship even contradicts something she has told me before about it. The difference here is that she knows people who will tell her things about my past, I on the other hand don't know anybody who will fill me in on the details of her past. Throughout our entire relationship I have never lied to or cheated on her, but now she feels that by not disclosing all of the details of my past I have hidden things from her, and I have been "selective" about what I have told her. Any thoughts or suggestions anyone may have on this situation would be very helpful, thank you for reading I know its long.

[DN]

No, you are not wrong at all, she is being ridiculous. No one has a right to know all the details of past relationships.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Although I believe details of a past relationship such as sex life and other things the former couple did is not important information to disclose, other things such as pregnancies, STDs, cheating etc is important information. I am not quite sure what kind of information she is referring to that she is hurt that you left out.

[rustyschackelf]

Although I believe details of a past relationship such as sex life and other things the former couple did is not important information to disclose, other things such as pregnancies, STDs, cheating etc is important information. I am not quite sure what kind of information she is referring to that she is hurt that you left out.

 

None of the things you listed happened. I never cheated on my ex but I have strong suspicioun she cheated on me. My fiancé was more mad that she didn't know the specific length of the relationship, how serious it was, why it ended, what the problems were, anything major we did together (such as trips), and how long it was from the time it ended to the time we started dating.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Out of all that you listed above, I think the last one is the most important. It gives someone an indication of whether or not they are a rebound or if enough time as elapsed between the end of one relationship and the beginning of the new relationship. Also, knowing whether or not the previous relationship was serious ties in with the length of time between the end of one and the beginning of the other. People who are serious about someone, it breaks off and then within a few weeks are dating someone else, are very likely rebounding or can't stand the thought of being alone. The other stuff she mentioned aren't that important.

 

Why do you have suspicions that she cheated on you? If you have these suspicions why would you want to marry her. It sounds like there are issues in your relationship that need to be addressed before you consider marrying her.

[rustyschackelf]

My fiancé has never cheated on me. My ex did. And one of my fiance's issues was that it was only a month and a half between when my last relationship ended and I started dating my fiancé. But she is honestly not a rebound of any kind. My last relationship was short-term and I was not devastated at all when it ended, in fact I was relieved and happy it was over, so I was ready to start dating other people much sooner.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

My fiancé has never cheated on me. My ex did. And one of my fiance's issues was that it was only a month and a half between when my last relationship ended and I started dating my fiancé. But she is honestly not a rebound of any kind. My last relationship was short-term and I was not devastated at all when it ended, in fact I was relieved and happy it was over, so I was ready to start dating other people much sooner.

 

i will also say that I feel as if she is being a bit hypocritical (although I didn't tell her that) because during our conversations she started telling me details of her past that I never knew, one particular thing she said about her last relationship even contradicts something she has told me before about it.

 

If she brings things up again with you then tell her exactly this. Tell her that she is disappointed about your openness when she herself hasn't been forthcoming. Tell her that if she thinks you are somehow a completely different being from what she imagined then perhaps she needs to re-evaluate her own level of openness about her own past if she expects others to be open.

[rustyschackelf]

If she brings things up again with you then tell her exactly this. Tell her that she is disappointed about your openness when she herself hasn't been forthcoming. Tell her that if she thinks you are somehow a completely different being from what she imagined then perhaps she needs to re-evaluate her own level of openness about her own past if she expects others to be open.

 

I do agree with you that she is being unfair about this when she hasn't been totally open with me. But I'm afraid that doing this will escalate and prolong this debackle. And I just want to put it behind us.

[warmpandacola]

I met my current boyfriend while I was dating my ex. Didn't cheat but things were really rocky and ex didn't want same things I wanted (til after it was too late but I gave him several chances over the 2yrs off and on) I was friends with my current bf for a month and began dating him literally days after we broke up. At the time my bf didn't know full details but he asked some things and he still to this day doesn't know major details because it's irrelavent and doesn't effect our relationship at all. I don't understand her problem if she asked you questions and you answered them for her it should mean a lot to her that you are honest and open up when she asks you. You aren't a mind reader and it's not a real that at the beginning of a relationship you have to reveal every single detail of your past. She should give you a break. I mean, you're with her now, not your ex... So if she trusts you there should be any problem.

 

I was a little bothered at first by something from my bf's past when he told me something but it was something he did like 3 years before I met him and I have always known him to be faithful and trustworthy so I didn't let it get to me. It's the past! Maybe if I had trust issues within the relationship where I felt he was hiding something then maybe I'd be bothered cuz it would be an addition to trust issues already developed but idk.

 

I guess just reassure her you have nothing to hide, that the past shouldn't matter because you are with her and love her so she has nothing to worry about.

[turnera]

I personally feel like people in committed relationships shouldn't delve too deeply into the subject and should leave the past in the past.

Why? You are supposed to be this person's best friend. Why should part of your life be hidden? Or did you feel that she would judge you poorly if she knew said things?

 

I have never asked her details about her past because it just wasn't that important to me,

But that is YOU. Why is what YOU believe more important - or more right - than what SHE believes? Do you do that with other situations? Decide what is important and not, and then expect her to agree with you, just because you believe it?

 

I'm asking because that's what my husband does. It becomes VERY invalidating, over time, to have your spouse decide THIS is the way something should be - because HE believes it. I'm just asking you to step back and see if that's something you do; because if you do, you'll be seeing a lot more disagreements ahead.

[wildchild1]

You either learn to deal with it now, or it truly will grow into a debacle. You are letting her unilaterally dictate your relationship because of this non-issue. As someone recently engaged, if I had that happen to me with my Fiance, it would seriously make me question how she would handle a real issue that came up.

[dave_49]

i know exactly how u feel past is past and she shouldent ask things about it if its going to hurt her or cause problems where there was;nt any. give it time she will put it away and u can enjoy each other again.some things are better not said than dragged up and it was only a four month relationship so just give it time to sink in with her

good luck

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I do agree with you that she is being unfair about this when she hasn't been totally open with me. But I'm afraid that doing this will escalate and prolong this debackle. And I just want to put it behind us.

 

If you are planning on marrying her then you need to feel comfortable communicating your feelings to your partner and that includes telling them when you think they have a double standard about behaviours.

 

I also think there is validity in one of the other posters comments about not assuming what you think is unimportant is the same thing that she might think is unimportant. However, this whole thing should not blow up into a trust issue because really what the issue is about is differences in communication style and opinions on what is important and what is not. This can be worked through amicably if both of you remain calm, logical, reasonable and willing to compromise and acknowledge that you both made mistakes.

[DN]

Although there may be things that you need to know about a person's history, demanding the sort of details she wants to know goes beyond need to know into unnecessary prying. It is irrelevant if those details are important to her - they are private and she does not have a right to know, much less a right to be offended. When you are with someone you don't lose your individuality and any right to privacy in heart and mind.