Ex broke up with me and now im confused!

[kush]

So long story short, my g/f of 4 years started asking me questions about marriage and what I thought. I told her not anytime soon. She cried. Fast forward couple months later a friend of a friend begins to call her phone and texts her online... I thought nothing of it, as if they were friends... until she broke up with me. She wanted to be friends but I refused and she cried.

 

4 days later I really missed her and I thought about it long and hard... do I want to be in this for the long run with her? I decided yes. I called her to tell her that I loved her and I wanted a future with her. She told me she needed to think things through.

 

She calls me back the next day and tells me she has to be honest with me shes seeing someone new. I was devastated. I asked her who it was she would not tell me. She tells me that she wants to come back but she needs time to break it off with him because she feels guilty... Later that night her little brother asks if I have seen his sister because he hasn't seen her all weekend! I called her several days later and asked her where she had been sleeping and she admitted she spent the night at this new guys house but nothing happened between them... He was just a companion someone fun to hang out with. She said she still wanted to be with me she just needed time.

 

She then asks me to chat with her the next day and she says she broke it off with the new guy and she needs some time alone to be happy by herself, and let the dust settle.

 

Just today my ex's friend added me onto her facebook. I had to ask her if my ex was seeing the guy I suspected who was calling her... Low and behold she says yes and she was surprised I was asking her this question because it was a coincidence that she also wanted to know what was going on between us. Her friend wanted to know when she broke up with me so she could make sense of this...

 

So right now, her friend only knows that they were hanging out recently... not the details of their relationship. She did mention this new guy wanted to stop talking to her because he was not looking for more than "hanging out" whatever that means...

 

My ex called me the other day and she still texts me... I told her I need time to heal. She told me she doesn't want me to move on.

 

Right about now I am real down to find all of this out... any opinions?

[huskiesfan]

It sounds to me like she's trying to pursue something with this other guy, but he's not looking for anything more than hanging out right now, so she texts you and says she doesn't want you to move on from her, and she needs time, so that you stick around, hoping she'll come back to you.

 

And why would she want you to move on? If you move on, that means noone is there for her to fallback to if this guy decides to cut things off with her. My honest advice is to confront her about her continuing to see this guy, and tell her to come back when she's really ready to be with you, instead of using you as a backup. Why do people play these games? It's beyond me.

 

 

Hope this helps.

[annie24]

well, when you told her that you weren't wanting to get married 'anytime soon,' after 4 years together, she probably figured you didn't love her enough and she started to detach. and she found it easier by meeting this new man. so, now she's seeing him. she probably likes him, but since he's told her he doesn't want anything serious, she's probably hurt again. i think if this guy breaks up with her, she'll come back to you. if he decides he does want a relationship with her, i bet she will stick with him.

 

how old are you guys? why would you not be ready to marry her after 4 years together?

[itsallgrand]

She made a mistake. That mistake was not communicating with you in clearer terms. What she wanted. What she needed. That she either wanted to try and make things work with you, or not.

Instead, she said nothing and detached....probably bc of what Annie explained. But that didn't make it right.

 

Question. Do you want to be with her for the long term? That is what she was asking you, and she probably took your comment about marriage as you saying "I don't see this going anywhere serious.".

 

Such problems lack or poor communication can create!

 

Do you want to be with her, her mistakes and all. ? Remember, you have probably made some mistakes yourself. It's crunch time.

[kush]

So her friend whom my ex does not talk to anymore (they got into an argument several months ago) just called me.

 

She told me that she talked to this other guy. He claimed he thought they were just friends and nothing else. She says this guy likes to date and does not have relationships hes just not that type. She asked him if they slept together and he questioned why she was asking so she backed off... All he said was that he knew my ex had broken up with me and they were hanging out...

 

She then told me that she has known my ex for a very long time and from her history in relationships she would not be surprised if she slept with him. OUCH!

 

So... back to the miscommunication... my ex told me she thought she could be with me until I was ready but then she detached when she realized she was getting too old shes 28 and she wanted kids within 2 years no later. She told me this after she broke up with me...

 

So now i'm stuck in this dilemma. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this woman? She moved on to the next guy so quick. Is that characteristic of someone who loves you?

[kush]

I have made mistakes... That I admit. We are not perfect.

 

The thought of having a relationship with another woman has never crossed my mind. she made me happy whether I was married to her or not.

[cantexplain]

I've seen it so many times where one person takes another's commitment to them for granted: They won't take the relationship to the next level. They fail to fulfill this need for their partner ... as you described in your OP.

 

It takes loss and separation to find-out the consequence of not satisfying the other's needs.

 

At this stage: What I think you need to be careful of is that you are not trying to fill the empty hole left by the loss of the relationship (at any level) and that you are not trying to assuage your pride by the rejection and the presence of a new lover in your ex-girlfriend's life. I am also worried that she will learn that in order to get her way she can just dump you, threaten to dump you, or show interest in others. This dynamic you've entered here could invite some additional challenges if both of you are not careful.

 

I won't suggest that saving this situation is hopeless. I will say that both of you will have to really look at your own self honestly; and communicate with one another very, very honestly for this to ever work out. Finally, this requires opportunity. She is going to have to come back to you. You can't control this. And you can't control her ability to be honest with herself and with you. You can control your honesty with self and others.

 

Good luck! Live and learn. I made the same mistake once, too. Sorry.

[kush]

Can you please explain further what you mean about filling the hole and assuaging my pride? Give me some examples.

[kush]

Well her friend has told me that my ex is not the sweet girl who I think she is. Shes been in many past relationships and my ex asked her not to say anything to me about her past.

 

I am still trying to digest this whole thing as it shocks me. She also stated that my ex does not have many friends even though it seems that way through facebook and she has many issues that most people are not willing to deal with.

 

My ex told her that I do not deserve to be friends with her boyfriend and his group of friends. She told them that I had no friends (i gave them up for her) and that I don't deserve to hang out with them of course that other guy being in that group of friends...

 

So all in all we both came up to the conclusion that she is really controlling and does not think of others feelings. Hers always come first.

 

I am starting to wonder if I should tell her I know about this new guy and who he is. I wonder how she will react. Will she pull away?

[FootofGod]

A sad situation, friend. I feel sympathy for both of you, but her reaction is ridiculous, even considering all things. To instantly rebound and pretend that it's nothing, but contradict that with all of her actions, is pretty hard to swallow.

 

I would take this as a sign that NEITHER of you were ready for commitment - if she can turn so quickly and do something like this, she would fail as a wife, no question. Apparently nobody wants to accept that marriage is going to be a battle, and she seems oblivious to it to say the least. At least you know you're not ready. She's not even near ready and thought you should be married by now!

[kush]

I want this feeling of despair to go away... The games just hurt me even more. She obviously is still seeing this guy otherwise she would be here with me tonight or atleast give me a call this weekend. And for her to say she has already cut it off with this guy is absolutely ridiculous because she thinks I have no clue as to what is really going on... nothing but lies. I understand she wants to get married and have kids but now im thinking it was an excuse to end it temporarily so she could have some fun and get attention to regain her self esteem as she was very insecure about her looks. I was always nice to her and told her she was a beautiful girl and I accepted her flaws but she never seemed to want to hear that. She gained a lot of weight and kind of let herself go when we were together...She never put on makeup or dressed up to be attractive when i took her out for dates... I felt less attracted to her near the end of our relationship because she didn't go out of her way to make me feel appreciated. It was never good enough. i was paying the rent, the bills, the groceries, even cleaning and cooking after her while she was unemployed for over one year after she graduated from university...all the meanwhile i supported her for 2 years while she was at school.

 

What perplexes me is that this guy is totally the opposite of me... Hes a bouncer at a night club, total beefcake not in it for serious relationships and shes obviously got the hots for him because I remember one day she told me she met his ex at his job (shes a bartender there)and she thought she was totally unattractive which is now a red flag to me that she was interested in this guy a looong time ago. This was before our 3rd anniversary she told me she met his girlfriend. I should have seen the signs...

 

So now I'm in a situation where I have to make a real hard decision. I invested a lot into our relationship. I am a career oriented guy, looking towards the future. All my friends tell me I should be out there finding a better girl one who will treat me right and not take things for granted... I gave up friends, hobbies, interests because she was so needy(and now I find out she told her friend that I had absolutely no friends whatsoever and made me out to be some absolute loser) she tried to isolate me. I really do care about her, I want her to be happy because she has endured a lot in her life and I have as well so I know the pain involved with a bad childhood.

 

At this point I can only assume that she is looking for grass that is greener and that is fine by me. What bothers me is that she is stringing me along as if there is hope. All the people I talk to even her OWN FRIEND tells me that I deserve better. Some how I can't get her off my mind.

[Ms Darcy]

So now i'm stuck in this dilemma. Do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this woman? She moved on to the next guy so quick. Is that characteristic of someone who loves you?

 

So out of this whole thread, this paragraph really says it all to me. You don't want to marry her. If you wanted to marry her, you wouldn't have put her off indefinitely after four years. And when you called her back was when you were at a high point of rejection after the breakup saying you were in it for the long-run. I suspect she was a little dubious about that.

 

Now here you are saying she was needy and isolated you and had a bad childhood etc ... but you were with her. And while you invested 4 years ... so did she. So, I think in truth either she wasn't really as bad as you are suggesting now or she was and this relationship should have ended a long time ago. Either way, I think what it sounds like it that you are pretty much not wanting to marry this girl.

 

Someone has said that rebounding quickly is a sign that she would fail as a wife. It's one of those things that isn't wise, but does not guarantee that at all. I've been with my bf for two years and he most definitely started dating me quickly after a breakup. I know that is similar for other friends. How quickly you can get over a relationship depends on you and the quality of that relationship. And different people have different coping mechanisms. What IS wrong is that she is stringing you along. That is what is most questionable.

 

I also think you need to stop talking to her ex-friend about her. That's bad form. I suspect that this girl has some sort of agenda, especially since they are on the outs.

 

If I were her, I (personally) would have left and either returned and stayed or stayed gone. I think her mistake is that she's trying to hedge her bets. She doesn't trust you but she wants you to be the fallback.

[kush]

yeah well I told her I wanted to marry her before I found out about this new guy. I was serious. And now I find out shes been with this guy and they have been talking over 5 months. She also denied that he ever called her on the phone while we were together she saide that would be weird, but I know because he called when she was in the shower and its a reflex to pick up the phone to see whos calling and tell her...

 

So she lied to me about them talking on the phone. She also lied to me about me not knowing the guy. She lied to me about this new relationship and her feeling guilty about breaking it off with him, hes not into her for a relationship. I'm not sure what her intentions are but shes losing points with me quickly, i am pretty much at the point where i want to move on and she thinks I don't have a clue of whats going on and shes stringing me along... thats what you call love?

[Ms Darcy]

yeah well I told her I wanted to marry her before I found out about this new guy. I was serious. And now I find out shes been with this guy and they have been talking over 5 months.

 

Ah, I see ... there was some dirty dealing going on before the relationship ended. Well, then I think your thought to move on is a wise one.

[kush]

I will never know the truth if shes just hanging out or if theres more to it. Somehow i feel like she will come back and my heart says I want her but my mind is telling me no these are bad signs in a future wife... I will never know the truth.

 

She said she needs space to be alone and think things through... and when I told her I was thinking about moving on she didn't want me to. So, I have initiated little contact. I have not called her since she has admitted to seeing a new guy she always initiated contact by texting me. A few days ago, she called me and I didn't answer. She then continued to blow up my phone until I finally answered because I thought maybe something was wrong... of course she was angry I wasn't answering her calls and she just wanted to chit chat.

 

So. I am still thinking about her although I kept myself busy this weekend by hanging out with new friends. Now I am home alone and I am really sad about this whole situation... I am trying very hard to move on and not give myself hope. I know shes going to keep contacting me and I don't know if I should just ignore her. Would it make her push away or pull?

[kush]

I had another question for the ladies. What does it mean when a girl cries when making love? She said she was crying the last time we were intimate a week before she broke it off I had no clue she was crying...

[kush]

I understand what you are conveying but there is more to the story. This is the 2nd time she has broken up with me. The first time was absolutely one of worst things I have endured in my life besides my father dying at a young age. She was the first girl I was serious about. I wanted to marry her and have a family I told her. My mother did not accept the fact that she was living with me and that I was supporting her before marriage so she broke up with me after my mother started to harass her on the phone. My mother did not like her family because they were broken also she felt that she was not good enough for me... I would prefer not to go into detail but basically her father was not really a father figure he was an alcoholic, her mother was permiscous, abusive to my ex, and she divorced him not too long ago but I did not disclose the details to my mother just that they were divorced.. basically my ex had a very hard life growing up.

 

My feelings for her did not change despite my mother but she broke it off anyways. I begged and pleaded with her but she wanted to break up. After I realized how much pain I was in I told her to keep my belongings, and not to contact me again... 3 months passed and I was almost healed ready to move on.. she started to blow up my phone... I answered eventually and she wanted to see me again. We were back together a few days later but I knew in the back of my mind that there was a good chance she would break it off again. So i protected myself and decided that I would not ask her to marry me until I felt she got her career started and she was not dependent on me. I wanted a partner who planned for our future, our family. Someone responsible. She finally got her entry level job a year after she graduated and she breaks up with me due to the fact that we didn't see each other much because of conflicting work hours. She felt that I wasn't in it for the future, not being attentive and not meeting her needs... I worked long hours to pay the mortgage, bills, etc.. I was in it for the long run she just couldn't see beyond the "proposal". So it was my fault for not communicating with her my feelings but at a certain point I kind of felt used... I gave her so many gifts, so much jewelry, took her shopping for most of her wardrobe because she couldn't afford much after paying her student loans, her credit score dropped drastically because she was on unemployment before she finally found a new job which doesn't pay what she deserves, and she missed several payments.

 

Now I regret the miscommunication between us. Most of all I regret the fact that I invested so much into this relationship and she doesn't seem to understand. She can only blame me and jump into a new relationship with no discretion and honesty. With a guy who is the total opposite of me... not career oriented, not thinking about a future, and family. It hurts... I am back to where I was the first time she broke up with me...