Protection Advice

[silex]

I am meeting up with a friend for breakfast tomorrow. She has a little sugar daddy that I tried to warn her about it. I already pleaded to her, make sure you are certain this is type of relationship she wants to get involved in.

 

She said yes, so it is her life. He has given her small trinkets this and that. However at the end of the month he is giving her very large sum of money.

 

I just want to make sure my friend is protected from any legal action recourse, or violence towards her in case things go south.

 

So that is what is what I am looking for advice to what to tell her, here are my ideas so far:

 

1) Any monetary gift should be given in writing stating that is was a gift and does not have to re payed.

2) Tell more people about this relationship, work friends etc people that see her everyday, as I am currently the only one that knows.

3) Do not give him a house key under any situation.

[DN]

If she wants to be with this guy because of his money then that is her choice. I think you should back off since you have already tried to warn her.

[browneyedgirl36]

Yikes! Let me say that you're a good friend for thinking of this, and I think you are right -- she needs to protect herself physically and financially.

 

How well does your friend know this guy? I'm assuming not well, hence your concern. If she doesn't know him all that well, I would suggest that she do what you are suggesting, plus a few more things:

 

She needs to give this guy's personal info -- his name, address, date of birth, and phone number -- to you, just in case, plus show you a photo or at least give you a good physical description of him, for sure. And, she should tell you - or someone else -- when she is meeting him and where, just in case -- God forbid -- something happens. Maybe you could ask her to check in with you regularly.

 

I agree about getting it in writing that this stuff he's giving her is all gifts. If he's really well-off, he probably gives trinkets and other gifts to all sorts of women, so he probably won't care to try to sue or anything, but large sums of money are a different story. If he writes her a check, he needs to write "gift" on the check or sign something saying it's a gift.

 

Is he married? Something to be concerned about, as you friend really doesn't want an angry wife -- or girlfriend -- after her. She really should find this out.

 

When I first read your thread's title, I thought "protection" meant condoms. She needs to use those, for sure, and you should remind her of that, even if you think she'll be annoyed. Who knows how many others this guy is a "sugar daddy" to? And, what if she gets pregnant? Yikes! Yeah, she needs *that* kind of protection too.

 

Just curious...does she like this guy, or does she just want the gifts? My friends and I have joked about the "sugar daddy" situation, but we've agreed none of us could ever do it!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If she wants to be with this guy because of his money then that is her choice. I think you should back off since you have already tried to warn her.

 

If she is that much of a money hungry person, then she will get what she deserves in the end. Don't try to save her from her folly. Sometimes greedy people have to learn the hard way. Don't get yourself involved...you warned her...if she can't see beyond the gifts and the money then that is her problem. As for getting it in writing that those are gifts...somehow I can't see a sugar daddy wanting to put anything in writing...it is quite possible this guy is married or has some kind of long term relationship elsewhere. Even if he doesn't, the whole sugar daddy thing is about a trade...she gets gifts and money while he gets arm candy and sex with some young thing. She is not little miss innocent here who needs to be protected.

[browneyedgirl36]

If she is that much of a money hungry person, then she will get what she deserves in the end. Don't try to save her from her folly. Sometimes greedy people have to learn the hard way. Don't get yourself involved...you warned her...if she can't see beyond the gifts and the money then that is her problem. As for getting it in writing that those are gifts...somehow I can't see a sugar daddy wanting to put anything in writing...it is quite possible this guy is married or has some kind of long term relationship elsewhere. Even if he doesn't, the whole sugar daddy thing is about a trade...she gets gifts and money while he gets arm candy and sex with some young thing. She is not little miss innocent here who needs to be protected.

 

I agree with you, CAD, but I also see the OP's need to want to do everything possible to warn a friend and make sure she is safe. I have a friend or two who have done some REALLY dumb things -- like my friend who had a relationship with a married guy (UGH!) for many years, and I admit that while I felt like she knew what she was getting into and that whatever happened was going to happen and she had to deal with it, I still found myself unable to refrain from making *suggestions* to her -- particularly about using protection, but also just in general trying to dissuade her. In the end, she finally broke things off with him, but she did it in her own time; nothing I said really mattered.

[annie24]

yeah, nothing you can say will really matter, she's going to do what she's going to do. for sure, she should use protection (as in a condom!) because you never know how many other women he has, and if he has a wife. if he does have a wife, i hope she isn't the violent type!

 

my intutition (not knowing this man) is that he's more likely to ditch her when he's tired of her, not kill her. but of course, we've all watched those cases on Dateline where a man gets his mistress killed, etc.... because she's gotten 'inconvienient.'

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I agree with you, CAD, but I also see the OP's need to want to do everything possible to warn a friend and make sure she is safe. I have a friend or two who have done some REALLY dumb things -- like my friend who had a relationship with a married guy (UGH!) for many years, and I admit that while I felt like she knew what she was getting into and that whatever happened was going to happen and she had to deal with it, I still found myself unable to refrain from making *suggestions* to her -- particularly about using protection, but also just in general trying to dissuade her. In the end, she finally broke things off with him, but she did it in her own time; nothing I said really mattered.

 

I understand where you are coming from. I just get very irritated with selfish, money hungry people who will sell their souls for money. People like that would sell their family and friends if they could get a few bucks for it. It is other people who need to be protected from leeches like that!

[silex]

Well we have been friends for over 25 years. So she is like a sister to me. As such I consider her family, all I can do is tell her she is stupid, but love her anyways.

She will sink or swim on her own.

I will not get in the middle of this relationship or agreement or whatever they want to call it.

I will also not turn my back on her she is family to me.

 

We have had many talks and and she has shed many tears over this.

 

It is an act of disparity, I know she is not thinking straight. When a person thinks that there is only one way out, and refuses to look at long term or alternatives there is nothing you can do.

 

I know who the guy is (no I have never met him), I know he is single, and has 0 people skills that is why he doesn't have wife or girlfriend. So he tries to buy love.

 

I already know she will regret this not today, nor tomorrow, but a few years from now.

 

I was looking for advice from people that may have gone through divorces etc. That they didn't think about at the time, but now have come back and bit them in the behind. So I could tell her.

[annie24]

it sounds like she has very very low self esteem.

[browneyedgirl36]

I understand where you are coming from. I just get very irritated with selfish, money hungry people who will sell their souls for money. People like that would sell their family and friends if they could get a few bucks for it. It is other people who need to be protected from leeches like that!

 

Oh, I know...I can't even fathom the concept of having a "sugar daddy." I wouldn't want to be someone's "kept woman" or whatever they call it. I would rather be alone and broke knowing that I was taking care of myself.

[browneyedgirl36]

It sounds like she might be in a bad financial spot, and/or extremely lonely, which is why she is agreeing to this. You said she has shed many tears over this and that she sees no other way out, so I am assuming she thinks she needs the money and/or she is very lonely and willing to basically sell herself to this guy.

 

You're right -- the only thing you can do is tell her what you think and then love her anyway. That's what I had to do with my friend who had a relationship with a married guy. I told her I thought it was morally wrong, that it was hurting his wife and kids AND her (my friend) and that the only person getting anything out of it was HIM, and that it wasn't going to end well. Then, I told her I would say no more about it, and I didn't. I just loved her anyway and hoped it would all turn out OK. He ended up making the decision to stay with his wife, and my friend was pretty devastated, but she had to know it would probably happen. I didn't say "I told you so" or anything, but I admit I thought it. Sad thing is, the guy is STILL after her from time to time, but fortunately, she isn't biting, so she's wised up a little bit, anyway. She went through over 10 years of this covert relationship with this married guy only to have him dump her. 10 years that she could have been dating others and possibly finding a great guy.

[annie24]

10 years?!?!? wow, what a waste of time! imagine how many link removed dates she could have gone on, and at least one of those men surely would have been husband material.